DFC #474

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

God, they're easy, Thel thought happily to herself. Twenty dollars worth of presents and they can't keep their hands OFF of me.The Enigma

Family Circus collectable plate #202 - "Parole Denied".Westur the Unspeakable

"Mr. Kubrick, I'm ready for my close up!"Westur the Unspeakable

Wait a minute! In the "Love Is" cartoon, everyone is naked!Coalcracker

"Scalpel!"Stan Xhiao

In time, however, the novelty of Thel's new Flypaper Blouse began to fade...Westur the Unspeakable

"Fuck this bonding...I wanna suckle!"Sx

Love Is... about $107.95, plus $5 for gift wrappingStan Xhiao

"AAAIGH!" - Attack of the Killer Adobe Acrobat Mascots: New Line Cinema, 1998.deX!

"Group hump!"deX!

"Dammit. All the good handholds are taken."Helder

Thelma and Her Five Boobs, ink on paper, 1998.Westur the Unspeakable

The shoplifting was fun, but actually having the nerve to go back and have the stuff gift-wrapped? Priceless!Coalcracker

Half-naked and filthy, the cartoonist sat chained in his corner and plotted revenge...Westur the Unspeakable (I don't get it either)

"Well, if we're the best present a mommy can have, I'm gonna go hock all this shit over here an' get me some drinkin' money!"scoob (self-salvaging)

"This is very nice, but when do I get my orgasm?"Westur the Unspeakable

Even with all of us working at it, it took over an hour to get her bra off. Fucking thalidomide.Westur the Unspeakable~

To see more, simply click here and enter your credit card number...Heath

Sure, the condolence gifts were nice, and having Thel back out of ICU was wonderful, but what really made our day was the news that Bil hadn't pulled through that last operation. Phillip Jose Keane, as quoted in Kitty Kelly's Circus of the ScarsSchol-R-LEA

OK. Can't breathe, now. Time to let go. Really. Can't breathe.Chutney

I'd like to remind my brain-dead siblings that the last three times we've all been given gift boxes they were empty or contained vital organs of our ex-pets...so I for one don't think a hug is warranted until we see what's inside...N. Viro, Mentally Friendly

Scores for this round of Bad Touch: Jeffy-2, PJ-1, Dolly-4, Billy-3, Thel-16.Torc.

Bil Keane (1921-1999)-- The cartooning world suffered the loss of one of its most senior and prolific statesmen today with the death of Family Circus creator Bil Keane. "All I can say is that the long nightmare is finally over" grieved his widow Thel, surrounded by their four children . . .Hang Lose

"I jusht love theshe kidsh sho much" thought Thel as they began to squirm uncomfortably, "Cripesh, I hope the little bashtardsh don't know what gin shmellsh like."Hang Lose

Thanks, Mom.... (inside of card) for finally having the courage to smother that abusive, alcoholic bastard in his sleep.flodnak

"Yeah, I can hear you, Billy...can you see my eyeball?"Stan Xhiao

"Someone hand me the boot disk...she froze up again!"Stan Xhiao

"I expect a little more than a hug for the amount of money I spent."Helder

"Stop! STOP! Doesn't anyone notice how badly Dolly clashes?"scoob

Okay, who hearted?Gen. Sedgwick (not one bit proud)

...but when the gifts were opened, the love stopped.Torc.

"But I promised Morrie that my lips were only for him!"Schol-R-LEA, salvaging Argyle

"But what about MY needs?"Heath

120 pounds of Thel and nearly 150 pounds of small children doesn't even put a dent in the new Barcalounger "Cast-Iron Couch"! Those cushions provide firm, full support, without sagging, deforming or giving an inch! Look at little Jeffy -- he's speechless at the quality of this sofa. Available now at Vic's furniture!Platypus

I see hearts, so it could be Valentines. I see Mom, so it could be Mother's day. I see presents, so it could be Christmas. But I don't see Bill, so my guess is... Pride Week!Bill

Suddenly Jeffy sensed something wrong... There were non-primary colors in the room--Trap!Bill

Doesn't anyone just FUCK anymore?Doc Evil

And so Thel knew love. And for once, it didn't hurt, involve obscene acts, or alcohol. She relished the new feeling, and hoped beyond hope that perhaps the children would see this new life, and enjoy the love as she had. And then Billy bit her ear off.Jenn Dolari

"CUT! OK, what the fuck is Dolly holding on to? We paid Lucasfilm EIGHT MILLION DOLLARS for a digitized Dolly, not the incredible Clingo-Girl. Christ, get me a frappucino and a fat-free cookie, I'll be in my trailer."K-Man

"Did I ask for a hug? Does it look like I need a hug? Let me the fuck go!"Stan Xhiao

The divorce was over. The marriage to the new man, a man who knew what a square was, a man who knew what color was, a man who actually showed the children in some sort of normal perspective... the word love felt weak.munkiman

Thel's rare melon-noma had metastasized again...Gen. Sedgwick

This DFC panel has been brought to you by Pedomones (TM). Attract that special underage someone in your life.Heath

"OK, right hand, breast!" Naughty Twister was the Keane family game.Platypus

May 7, 1982: Jeffy, PJ, Dolly, & Billy are overcome with joy when they learn they've been accepted at Our Lady of Perpetual Spankings Orphanage and Delicatessen.Lt. Dan

"Presents shmesents... this year I'm giving you the gift of Jeffy."Sean Q

"...but Dolly gets you a strap-on every year!"crispy

The final page of the explicit, yet oddly nauseating, Keanea Sutra.Coalcracker

"What are you hugging me for? I didn't get you jack shit."K-Man

Happiness is...when yeast infections clear up.Argyle

Nothing says "love" quite like a giant-size WonderBread sampler.Vinegar Tom

The children were already thrilled that Thel had at long last murdered Bil and dismembered the body, but the cheerful wrapping paper was a thoughtful final touch.Vinegar Tom

"Whoah! Somebody hand me a Q-Tip."Black Cupid

"Just once, can we all get together without Dolly dry-humping something?"Black Cupid

But for all four of them, their favorite childhood game was Ring Around the Floozy.Ken

"Mom! Mom! Did we win the lottery?" the kids asked. Thinking of Bil's lifeless body on the side of the Interstate, I smiled. "We sure did, kids," I said, "We sure did." -- From Insurance Fraud Made Easy by Thelma Keane-Tyson, Inmate #5893490494Coalcracker

Thel smiled contentedly. The children were always on their best behavior for "Frottage Night."Chris Benton (You know what it is. Don't pretend you don't!)

"Yeah, yeah, we're the best gifts you could ever ask for, whatever. Now open mine so I can gloat over everyone else."Helder

"We've got her off-guard! Go for the throat, Billy!"Supernaut

Dolly, of course, was the first to try Thel's new present from her stay in Sweden, but inevitably we all got our turn. Bil couldn't sit for a month. --P. Jorgensen Keane, Mommy Packed a Pepperoni, Hazelden PressOrrin Bloquy

Later, she squeezed us so hard our spleens squirted out, too.Orrin Bloquy

Thel couldn't remember the last time the family had been this happy together. Then Jeffy gave the signal, and Operation Golden Shower commenced.Withnail

Over the years Thel had found squirming kids even more effective than royal jelly.Gen. Sedgwick

"I liked you more than Jack and Chrissy put together!"Torc.

"After Dolly lost all of her limbs in that accident, I'd tell her I loved her, and ask for a hug. She'd try, and I'd laugh my ass of at her, and hug the other kids. God damn, she was one dumb bitch." -- Thel Keane, "Guilty Pleasures"blaine[sk]

"Why does Billy get his own arm, while I'm stuck sharing with the miniature crap machine over here?"Helder

Everyone agreed that Keanu Reeves looked simply smashing in capri pants.Vinegar Tom

"This hugging stuff, it's no ride on a giant fish, mind you, but it's not bad."Monkey Punch

"Dad says 'today is a gift from God and that's why we call it the present.' He's a clueless dickhead, isn't he, Mommy?"Stan Xhiao

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