DFC #478

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Dear Boys, Your problems shouldn't be hard to solve. Use your shrieking sister to your advantage. When she hits F# 2 1/2 octaves above middle C, the waves should cause a massive pressure fluctuation. By closing off your ears just as the trough of the wave approaches, the resulting pressure differential should be sufficient to return your oblate heads to their proper form. Hope this helps, Bill Nye the Science GuyKen

"Oh God...Oh Oh OOOOOHHHHHHHH GAAWWWDDD!!!" It wasn't the sound of Dolly getting off that drove them away, it was the slap slap slap they heard coming from behind the book.chimp

The boys grimaced. . . if Dolly was going to yell 'Bad Touch' every . . . single . . .time, it was going to be a very loud night, indeed.Hang Lose

Now you know why it's called "Keaneing."Gen. Sedgwick

You'd have thought that after a year, she'd have forgotten the lyrics to "My Heart Will Go On." But NOOooooo...Gen. Sedgwick

Harpy (har'pee) [n]: 1: a creature with an intolerable screeching voice. 2: a creature with an intolerable screeching feminist polemic about the rampaging sexism in children's books every single fucking time she hears one.zen

The last thing her brothers wanted to hear was another of Dolly's fantasies about a menage a huit.Gen. Sedgwick

Snow White: The first book in the Dolly Keane I-Can-Scream-It-Aloud-All-By-Myself(tm) series, now available at your local Borders.Coalcracker

"SOMEONE LEFT THE CAKE OUT IN THE RAIN!!!!!!!!!!!" Billy and Jeffy knew well enough to get out of the room on Sadomasochistic Saturday, but when Dolly started singing MacArthur Park, they knew it was already too late.Tyranork

"About the time Dolly started polishing off two-fours of Coors Light and belching 'Heigh-Ho' for hours on end, Billy and I realized no one in this house really gave a flying fuck about us." Jeffy Keane, RememboirsTorc.

Only dimly aware of Dolly's screams of agony, Bil thought Damn, that's a nicely-rendered floor lamp!Gaijin Marty

The Bil/Dolly duet of "Some Day My Prince Will Come" wasn't just hard to listen to...it was downright creepy.The Ghost of Roy Cohn

The worst part was, the neighbors didn't believe that Bil wasn't shoving the cat into the garbage disposal feet-first until Dolly demonstrated her range with her take on "Alice's Restaurant".Paul T. Riddell

Dolly's Ultrasonic screaming was pitched too high for Bil's adult ears, but successfully drove the boys out of the room, leaving Dolly and Bil unchaperoned for nearly an hour.(Sonically Ignorant) Kal

Jeez, Bil thought, all I said was 'Once upon a time.'Torc.

Dolly launched into her operatic paean to the Evil Queen. Bil was unfazed, protected by his utter lack of artistic discernment.Stealth

As Dolly screeched, "WHO'S THE FAIREST ONE OF ALL?", Bil's head inexorably tracked toward the boys.Stealth

"After Bil's heart attack, Dolly sat next to his cold, decaying corpse, reciting Snow White as loudly as she could. It was almost three days before we pried her away. She hasn't spoken since... and am I ever so fucking glad for small favors" -- Billy Keane, "My Life in Hell"blaine[sk]

Dolly's operetta of her love for Sneezy. Now on CD.Nethicus

"Damn that Alan Dean Foster. His novelization is exactly like the movie!"El Caballero

Oh Great, Bil thought, P.J.'s fucking around with the dog whistle again.....Timmy's Flat Rotting Colon

Everyone knew when Dolly found the broken spring in the cushion that pressed up just so.El Caballero

"Dad? Dad, the atmospheric pressure's dropping!"Tonton Macoute

Bil's gaze kept drifting to the lamp. He had a dim recollection of coming home smashed from a wedding and sliding his hand up a short frilly skirt -- why the hell did that damned lamp somehow seem so erotic now?Luna

Seconds later, the lamp shattered - along with the window, the picture frame glass, and Bil's left eye.rudy

Billy and Jeffy agree with the critics' reception of "Dolly Keane's Gregorian Chant version of Snow White -- Big Daddy Grimm Style".Mr. Schpanky

DFC Collector's Plate #12: When Her Medication Wears OffLuvBJones

In the space between Bil's ears, no one can hear you scream.Mr. ?

Jeezum crap! Bil said under his breath. Just how many Yoko Ono songs *DOES* Dolly know?Doc Evil

"Every little girl wants to marry her daddy when she grows up. But Dolly's graphic plans for the wedding night.... let's just say Dad was eager to lend an ear." --All In Ther Family, Billiam KeaneStan Xhiao

Whenever the Bat-Signal was broken, citizens were forced to summon Batman by screaming at the top of their lungs.agm

The sound waves permeated the panels of all the other comics on the page, resonating off all the rectangular panels, collapsing lines, and crushing homes, characters, and word balloons. Being circular, the FC was the only panel left standing, and nobody laughed at Keane ever again.--Comix History Vol. No. 11: I Scream, You Scream, We all Scream for Bil Keaneagm

Somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico, a dolphin shuddered.Vinegar Tom

This image contains six occurrences of wanton violence including Dolly's screaming and several scenes from the book, an occurrence of impudence/hate: the uttering of the most foul of the foul words by a child, sex/homosexuality (touching for pleasure behind the book), four incidents of drugs/alcohol - everyone, children included, is under the influence, offense to God in the boys' use of the Name in vain with the 4-letter expletive, and multiple murder/suicides that are about to take place. -- The Family CapalertKen

Just then, Dolly let forth with what was to be known as The Belch. Six window panes broke, a mall in Las Cruces collapsed, and tidal waves destroyed Corazon de Maria, Mexico.Heath

Well, wouldn't you scream if Bil started reading you "Snow White and The Dream Donkeys"?K-Man

"I'LL tell you what the Wicked Queen wanted to do to those nasty dwarves! Crush their testicles in a vise! Slowly slice their penises into ribbons with a razor blade, oh yeah! Push glass tubes up their dicks and give 'em a karate chop. Kick their sacs repeatedly until they swole up to the size of eggplants! Pull their foreskins until their members come out by the bloody roots. Twist their........" Funny thing was, Dad stayed for hours and listened attentively to Dolly's fantasies. --Devil With A Pantone Blue Dress On, Jeffy Keane.Stan Xhiao

The Keane males demonstrate that Selective Hearing is a trait men gain only when married.Yakko (except me, I can do it already)

Dolly's first hemorrhoid, ink on paper, 1994.Westur the Unspeakable

With a mighty roar, Dolly reaffirms her position as the alpha male of the Keane family.scoob'

"Everywhere I turn, it's 'Hi Ho' this and 'Hi Ho' that - learn my name damnit!!!"Jackie

"Bashful, 555-6942. Doc, 555-8241. Dopey, 555-0069. Grumpy..."Not the Messiah (attempting to salvage Judgement Night)

The boys were right, "Snow White" just clashed. They'd trade it in on a copy of "Three Cabelleros", and then the living room's Southwestern theme would be completemegafrim

"Sure, when you want to hog the chair I've got a svelte ass. But draw me from the rear, and it's 'Caution, wide load.' Thanks a whole fucking lot."Helder

"OWWWWWWW! Hangnail, Daddy, hangnail!"Stan Xhiao

The boys' "Most Annoying Noise" contest had entered its second hour when Dolly decided she'd had enough and jumped in the fray. Her 90-second screech had both boys bleeding out their ears and knocked Barfy unconscious when he attempted to escape by jumping through a closed window. Needless to say, she won. Thank Christ I was too stoned to care.Pete B.

That was my "Out of Tune Bagpipe". Now for my "Nails on a Chalkboard" - SCREEEEEEEEEAAAAAACH! Judgement Night

"WARNING! You have entered the defense perimeter of this armchair. Please step away from the pederast!"scoob

"I said WRONG HOLE!!"bubba

"Some guy riding around in the woods decided to slip some tongue to a corpse? What sort of sick crap are you reading me?!"Helder

"Bullshit," Billy said. "You can't really shatter glass with your voice. That's just an urban myth." Bad move, Billy. Bad, bad move.Pete B.

Bil lives out a life-long fantasy of seeing his sons Riverdance to Dolly's somber recitations from The Snow White Guide to Gynecological Proceedures.Torc.

Ever since the Keanes left Branson...Mighty Owl

Dolly translates Snow White into Shrew.Torc.

The guillotine disguised as a lamp was one of Bil's finer ideas. Unfortunately, the voice activated trigger never worked.K-Man (salvaging Torc.)

"So how did she do seven? Oh! The ears! Ever think of the ears, Bil?"agtorange (self-salvaging, maybe)

Rather than shell out the $5 co-pay for the antibiotics, Bil suggested we endure Dolly's caterwaulling in hopes of curing our otitis media. Neither we nor Dr. Cuthbertson were amused when we went deaf a week later. "WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? : The Jeffy Keane Story" by Jeffy KeaneLt. Dan

Hi. This is Cap'n Keane, reminding you to install a Cap'n Keane Schmuck Alarm on every floor of your house.Ken

Shortly after this photo, Dolly had to be put down for reasons best not discussed in mixed company.Torc.

The boys know what Bil doesn't: Dolly's sneezes "go to eleven." In moments, he would know how the world sounds to Pete Townsend.Jeremy Watson

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