DFC #479

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"Jeezuz, Thel. Even if he did get your letter, I can assure you that Tony Danza is NOT hiding in the bushes waiting for his chance to 'rescue' you"Rodney

"Dad said there's a 60% chance of showers today. Of course, he also said there's an 80% chance Jeffy would remember to put on pants, so take that with a grain of salt."Sean Q

"No, Mr. Wilson don't want coffee, and he don't want the paper, and he sure as hell don't want a pencil-necked walking stretchmark like you ... now get the fuck out of my way, I've gotta go work some old man booty."Stan Xhiao

"Now mom, I know dad has been away for a long time, but do we all have to dress up for your roleplaying 'games'?"pelle (doing my damndest to stay away from a

"Boo!" Defendant's Exhibit A, Baby Keane vs McDonald's in re scald injury.Stan Xhiao

"Fuck waiting for the cable guy...I'll go out to the pole and restring the wires myself."Stan Xhiao

"It's still raining, Mom, I'll get the mail. You nearly drowned getting the paper."Sean Q

Y'know, it's pretty sad when the best dressed member of the family is a six year old boy wearing panties and ankle chains.Westur the Unspeakable

"Outta my way! If those 'struction workers liked your Pajama Game, they'll eat up my Cabaret!"Sean Q

PJ glanced back at the clock. Just 2 minutes until Bus 59 would pass by, heading north, to safety. Crouching into his 'on your mark' position, he counted down the seconds...Ratbastard (the 59 club!)

"It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly a door slammed. The ponytailed girl screamed. A pirate ship appeared on the horizon. Meanwhile, while millions were starving, PJ lived in luxury." - from The Great Keane Novel,, adapted by SnoopyLinus

o/` The best part of waking up, is Baileys in your cup! o/`Destroyer

"Clancy's called again -- we have to get Dad so they can empty the dumpster."Stan Xhiao

"...and if I see the eight-legged little fucker come out the water spout I'll make sure he doesn't go up again!"Stan Xhiao

"Like they say: Any port in a storm. If you need me, I'll be down at the docks."Sean Q

"I checked with dad, and the weather report for today is: 'Yes, with chances of background until late afternoon.'"Helder

Damn, she's not wearing pants either, thought P.J. Why do I never get copied on the memos?Sean Q

Since AOL had been down for two days, Thel takes to having cyber-sex with her reflection.Lots42@aol.com

"Did you really expect him to stick around after the DNA tests showed we weren't his?"Torc.

"A classic illustration on the transience of Thel's life. At left, a glimpse of the world before she was born: vacant, but teeming with possibility. At center, there is Thel: always looking out for the hope she once knew, staring into the middle distance in the thrall of melancholy. Jeffy, wearing Barbie underoos with frilly socks, stares spellbound at the back of Thel's knees; the part of a woman's body that he would always find most erotic. Dolly, pedantic as ever, yells I'm wearing my rubbers! I'm wearing my rubbers! and then PJ, thinking only, How I hate that ponytailed tormenter of my soul! Lastly, at right, the mortal reminder of the future Thel will find in death, a broken clock reading 7:47 (prefiguring Thel's death in a plane crash) sitting in pure blackness, its motionlessness the measure of eternity."Sarco Fuggus and the Ratbastard

One of the benefits of living with Bil Keane: The block he drew was the only one around where it would rain gin.Ken

"You're wearing a hollowed out corn cob, and you still have the gall to criticize my Madeline outfit?!"scoob

"Flood or no flood, I spent two weeks writing this report on Snow White, and I'm god-damned going to school today!"Sean Q

"My work here is finished. Toodle-oo, losers!" --The Dysfunctional Mary PoppinsHeath

Please, Dear God, if we make Jeffy put his pants back on, will you bring back the sun?Judgement Night

I have no idea what he's doing up there. All he said was "Put on your slicker and bring me my copy of 'Chunky Butts' magazine!"Somnambulist

This isn't how the other kids at school describe "spending the day at work with mom."Chutney

Thel stared defiantly into the storm. She had achieved "white trash" heaven and wasn't about to surrender it to nature. As she shooed her litter into the bathroom with the admonition to put pots and pans on their heads, her resolve crystallized. She had dreamed her whole life of living in a double-wide trailer and she didn't care if TEN tornadoes was comin' down the road. She and her kin was stayin' and that was that!!!Chutney

Does Dad realize that two males of every animal just doesn't work?Riff

Days like these always reminded Thel of her one true love, the man who wouldn't come back...the man in the other half of the corn cob costume.HasNoName, self-salvaging

Salvador Dali The Cob Woman Of The Bleeding House Ink on paper, 1955. "The only surviving piece from Dali's short lived circle experiment, this work only managed to survive the artist's attempts to, in his words, 'destroy the evil things' due to its getting caught underneath a pile of newspapers. Note the strange, almost human figures and the return of the clock motif."HasNoName

"So, exactly whose pleasure is that jacket ribbed for, anyway?"deX!

"It's raining, it's pouring / Our old man stopped snoring / Thel pumped his head / Chock full of lead / Because of his constant whoring."Doihle

"Well, Thel, I don't know about you, but I'm all dressed up and ready to leave, storm or no storm. When a house tells me to get out, I get out."The Enigma

"Shake the paper, Thel, and the dog will let go. Shake the paper, Thel, and the....hey, aren't you listening to me?" Of course not; the Keanes' new neighbor, Julio, was retreiving the paper barechested again in the rain....in the sweet, sweet rain, in the rain that rolled down his well-muscled, dark-skinned chest.....The Enigma (I swear that I like women. I swear.)

Surrounded by her unholy brood, Thel had just enough time for a final sip of decaf before the Wrath of God roared down the street and melted everyone's faces off.Vinegar Tom

"Mom, is Dad ever coming down from that belltower?"Vinegar Tom

Lost lyric to Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds: "Picture yourself drinking tea in a doorway / you're wearing a corn cob and Dutch wooden shoes / it's quarter to eight, she calls you quite loudly / the girl wearing rubbers of blue..."Jeremy Watson

"Okay, Mom. Jeffy is wearing one of PJ's old diapers, I'm not wearing anything under this raincoat, and you're wearing a jacket made of taped-together sheets of Bubble Wrap. Sure, it all turns me on, but maybe it's time to do the laundry now!"Pete

As he lay dying, stabbed in jealousy by his rubber-fetish dominatrix, the 27-year-old PJ would suddenly recall the moment it had all begun...megafrim

It was obvious when Mystery Men VI was released that the franchise had lost steam.deX!

"Shut the goddamn door! You're letting all the feng shui out!"El Caballero

"I distracted her while Jeffy snuck a few frame grabs with the wireless QuickCam. We used the prize money to buy new underwear, a decent server, and a fractional T1 connection."Stan Xhiao

"I see Dad made it rain gin again. Want me to go pull him off the downspout?"Stan Xhiao

Thelma stood at the door for a good half hour, but the milkman just passed their house by. A single tear rolled down her cheek as the realization hit her. Another had won his affections, and she was back to paying full price for half-and-half.Vinegar Tom

Beep, beep! Useful person, coming through! Move it or lose it!Mr. Ben McClellan (salvaging The Boy)

Too bad about Billy, but I told you to smear some blood on the mantle....Gen. Sedgwick

"Outta my way. Oz is short a witch, and that twister has my name written all over it."Helder

"They've got a temp opening in the Little Orphan Annie strip. I'll see you losers in 3 weeks."Helder

"Bet you regret wishing for oobleck now!"Heath

Next week, wait til after they've got our trash before you flash 'em.Roy

So it rained goats blood. So what? Did you think I was working on the merit badge for cooking?Rats Whiskers

"I don't care how good a centerpiece it makes. If you get rid of that weird tablet, it'll stop raining blood. Trust me."Magus

"Miss the bus? Miss the bus?!? It's 7:45PM you goddamn lush!"Torc.

"Rain? Rain? There's more background out there than we've had in years, and you people are passing it up because of a little rain?! Out of my way, pussies."Pete B.

"'Hallelujah' nothing. Next time wish for it to rain men with parachutes."Torc.

"No, PJ, you can't go back in there, no matter how hard you try."Schol-R-LEA, shameless to the last

"Don't you remember? No meth deliveries on Friday!"Torc.

"Snap out of it, Connie Condom! We've got customers coming, and Jeffy needs help with the rest of his Heidi costume!"supernaut

"Let me guess... The mailman is dressing up like the Jolly Green Giant today and he's going to munch on your corn niblets while you stroke his little green sprout. Fine by me, just don't toss your leftover butter back in the fridge, OK?"Lt. Dan

"What is it, girl? A raccoon?? Go git it! Go git it, girl!"K-Man

"...but the worst was the Bubblewrap Woman of Arizona. She would stand in her doorway with her children beckoning travellers and journalists, who she would invite in to have sex with them while they popped all of the plastic bubbles on her clothing." -- Charles Kuralt, A Lifetime Of Memories I Dont WantHasNoName

"You can take off the windsock--I can see the weathervane over at the Bumsteads."Torc.

"Slow ahead Mom...PJ, you keep that chum line goin', we got 3 miles on 'im..."Bleech_

"A body condom, National Enquirer and white slippers after Labor Day. Christ, woman, you're a walking faux pas!"K-Man

Well, until he comes home, you could always use this....Bad Girl

"God's having a 'heavy' day." -- Panel #8 in Why Dolly Doesn't Write Captions on Bil's Day OffBad Girl

Well, if I were running down the street shouting "After 25 years, I'm finally free from that hell-hole" -- I'd take my umbrella!Bad Girl

Mom, there are better ways of committin' suicide than the "walking suet feeder" bit.NME--

"Well, miss home-schooler, I'm done cleaning the blubber off of P.J. When is the Melville class over?"for(;;);

"Ma, you have got to let go -- yeah, Jesus loves you, but it was just a summer thing. He ain't gonna call, OK?"Stealth

"Most people actually have coffee in their Irish coffee."Helder

"Well, I'm off to hide the last pieces of Daddy. Back in a bit."Torc.

You don't want to go into the bathroom any time soon, right?Mr. ?

"I got a part in a 'surance commercial. Give my regards to Billy and that other guy."Heath

"No, but I do plan on leaving your MacArthur Park 8-track out there."Heath

"Look, you stupid floozy, Johnny Hart's building an ark! I think we should leave NOW."Heath

"I know it's not raining, but this is as close to goth as I can get with that shitty wardrobe he draws us."Hang Lose

"Maybe if you got the video camera Dad could sue the cops later."Torc.

Must be Thel's melonhead has gyroscopic stabilizers, because no matter how the scans are slanted, her head is ALWAYS perfectly level.rudy

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