DFC #480

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Can you believe Dad gave them that lamp as a wedding gift? He's still got stains on it from the last wedding.Slibs

Ever since Bil signed that promo deal with Service Merchandise the props have gotten a hell of a lot better. I remember the gool ol' days when he would suck off a sailor just for money to buy sable brushes.Bill Versteegen

The delectable delicacies of life drawn just out of reach, while others feast on joy like kings. We wallow in our misery, and Dolly talks of nailing biker chicks in leather. This is the rest of your life, Peej. Get used to it.agm

"Unsinkable," you said. "Safest ship ever built," you said. Dumbass.Mr. Schpanky

"Wilhelm will try pole-vaulting. I'll dig a tunnel. Katrina, you go to Checkpoint Charlie and try charming the troops. Pfefferjaeger, you spray-paint graffiti all over the Wall. One way or another, we'll make it to the West, where life is good."Ken

So, theoretically, if we took all this stuff now, the bride and groom wouldn't really miss it, right?Robbbbb

"Dolly, there's a very good reason Bil's gift for the couple isn't up there. It's called the DEA."Dvandom

"All this could be ours if ...THE PRICE IS RIGHT!"Valvoline

Of course they're not buying the shit. I told you to sell the gifts at a different wedding.Entrepreneur

What do you think, Dolly, maybe just this one time you can get a couple of appliances under your dress without turning the goddamn things on and giving yourself away?ItsClaude!

"Fuck, we're in another wedding panel. Grab me a sharp knife, would ya'?"Lots42@aol.com

"Am I the only one that's noticed that the good silver goes down a setting each time Mom walks by to 'check out' the gifts?"Hang Lose (Sort of salvaging Rudy. Conceptually, anyhow.)

While standing at one of the improvised urinals, Jeffy makes a shocking discovery.Westur the Unspeakable

"Nice outfit. Wanna trade?"Westur the Unspeakable

"The weed in that basket was KILLER! But I think we're at the wrong buffet, dude."K-Man

OK, Dolly, you were right. It really is the Age of Chrome.Gaijin Marty

"I agree it was thoughtful, but do you think it's legal for Mom and Dad to give us as a wedding gift?"Vinegar Tom

"You want to run this gang, fine! There's just one problem. Rocco over there thinks I'm in charge."Doihle

Looks like somebody already brought Lunchables. I told you we should have checked the Target registry!Nethicus

"Pawn Shop Client Appreciation Night" my ass! It's a sting, I tell you!agtorange

I know you're disappointed. We're all disappointed. I guess 'swap meet' means different things to different people.agtorange

For the record, I thought that using dead insects instead of flower petals was really fuckin' cool.Pete B.

Dolly came with her family but left with the flower basket, six place settings, three toasters, two bottles of cheap scotch, the blades from the blender, a groomsman's virtue, and enough dirt on what Dad and the priest did in the basement to keep her rolling in hush money for years...rudy (self-salvaging)

"Now it's your turn, Dolly. Please stare straight ahead... you feel sleepy.... sleeepyy.... now you're beginning to feel lighter, like an unseen hand is giving you the most amazing wedgie of your life..."Ratbastard

"Jerry Fine had a clown at his bar mitzvah. Jerry Fine got cash, a motor scooter, and many sports jackets at his bar mitzvah. Jerry Fine had dancing girls at his bar mitzvah. What do you think Dad's trying to tell me?"Stan Xhiao

"Someday us circus freaks will unite and overthrow the establishment. Are we doing the teapot routine or the leap frog act?"El Caballero

"'Separate but equal' my ass!"El Caballero

"Just where does one register for a meth lab, anyway?"Sean Q

"Dammit, Dolly, the Feds don't care if Gran'pa gave it to you. If you want your Lil' Helper homemaker kit back, you'll have to bid on it like everyone else!"LuvBJones

PJ was too young to understand what was happening. Jeffy simply hurled. But Dolly and I stood transfixed. Deep down, we weren't sure the aphrodesiac was going to work in the first place; but seeing it kick in during the traditional "Father's Dance With The Bride" exceeded even our wildest expectations. The Family Test Tube -- Applied Chemistry in the Keane Household, William Keane Jr.Pete B.

"You're goddamn right I'm going to add those two groomsmen to Billy's score; there was nothing in the rules that said you couldn't bag members of your own sex, and you really should have seen this coming. Billy's ahead of you, 6-4."Pete B.

"Ah, that adorable First Public Screeching Match, followed by that precocious First Savage Spousal Beating. White trash weddings are the best, dontcha think?"Pete B.

"Hmmm . . . a crate of trojans and a case of k-y . . . Daddy's really gotta learn the difference between 'useful' and 'appropriate'."Hang Lose

Remember, this is a formal occasion, so steal your utensils from the left.Leth

"Dolly, she's married now. Let it go."deX!

No weapons, no drug paraphenalia, no sex toys . . . good Lord, have these people even met Mom and Dad?Pete B., salvaging Vinegar Tom

"You call this a tribute? Tell 'em I want my full due or heads will roll."Stan Xhiao

"Dolly, today's panel is brought to you by Sears Kitchen Appliances. Sears, where America shops. Back to you, PJ."Stan Xhiao

"Thank you, number 1. Number 2, please stand on your tiptoes and say, 'Those are fake!'"Helder (resurrecting Coalcracker)

...and although it may not be as long, all the reflective surfaces make it even more visible from space!megafrim

P.J., if you can't at least hock a loogie on top of the table, then you can't play! Okay, Dolly, your turn. Two points if you can land one in the coffee pot.agm

I'd climb under the table to get to them, but a certain father is sitting there with his pants down and weeping.agm

"Are you sure you used a thirty second fuse?"Hang Lose

"Dammit, PJ! Quit levitating Billy and focus on the bride's dress."Hang Lose

Mom and Dad gave them knives? After what happened to his first wife, they're just asking for trouble!Elkman

"I've learned it's best to avoid the calamari at a bris."M (Phil Comes Alive!)

"...the explosive fork, the semi-automatic toaster, it's great and all, Moneypenny...BUT HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO REACH ANY OF THEM?!?!"K-Man

Don't bother. The bouncer doesn't get paid if we make it to the bar.Peon

"I guess it's cool that Mom and Dad are happy, but I never heard of a 'We're Sending the Little Bastards to Boot Camp' shower before."Cassandra

All of the children found adult parties boring, but only Dolly had thought to bring an entire basket of amyls.macb3th

"This makes Dad's gift of a coupon for 10% off an erotic pastry seem kinda crappy now."Vinegar Tom

"The adults are near. I can smell 'em."Torc.

"Looks like they're fresh out of cans o' Whup Ass-- may I interest you in a sparkling bottle of Shut the Hell Up instead?"Torc.

"Would you like to split an altar boy?"Helder

Those arm extensions are boss, Dolly. Next time, I'm the flower girl.Mighty Owl

"At your wedding? I think it'd be hard to shop for gifts, what with hell being froze over..."Heath

"That's enough, Dolly! My turn to use the glory hole!"supernaut

"Well, we found household appliances. Maybe women's lingerie is around the corner?"Helder

"Screw Jesus -- what would Julia Child do?"Helder

"Billy's been staring at that griddle for an hour. I think Mom's shine obssession is heridi-...oh, shit."K-Man

"Cheer up, it's for a good cause, and according to the Church's Bingo rules, if they win us they have to take us!"HasNoName

I don't care how good the Bris presents are - no one clips "Little Jeffy."Judgement Night

What do you mean you'd trade PJ for the knife set? You're heartless! At least go for the cuckoo clock.Coalcracker

"What the hell kind of service set has knives for three, spoons for four, and forks for nine?"scoob

Shouldn't we be facing the other direction? I mean, what kind of "receiving line" are we talking about here?megafrim

"I've got to hand it to you, Dolly, you don't waste time...only in the Home for five hours and we've already got Grandma's shit up for auction."Stan Xhiao

When Jeffy tilted his head to one side he noticed the reception improved.Stan Xhiao

"Look...I can fly Jack!" "Time to go....Billy's doing his Kate Winslet impersenation again!"RMD[trying to salvage OAK]

"Our parents build an emotional moat, guarded by crass capitalism. We cannot share intimacies with the outside world, and our souls are left to suffer in the void. I need a beer." subtitles from Ingmar Bergman's Fängelse CirkusTorc.

Dad said they're both big losers, so these must be the consolation prizes.Namgubed the Merry Elf

"My bet is the marriage will last longer than the waffle iron but shorter than the blender."Torc.

"Just in case nobody's told you yet today, your ass is really getting fat."Stan Xhiao

Jesus, I've won better appliances playing Skee-Ball!Rotter

I dunno about you guys, but this whole DFC thing is startin' to get to me...PJ actually looks kinda hot in his little suit.Big Daddy

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