DFC #481

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Look! No fingerprints! I can commit any crime I want to because I won't leave any fucking fingerprints!agm

"It's... It's enormous! Can I touch it?"spun

"Sparky sent me a 'riginal Spike cartoon that I can hang on my wall. Sparky says he likes the way I draw cactuses. Sparky says if I keep practicin' maybe I can be famous too someday. Did you know Sparky owns a ice ring? Sparky says maybe he'll let me drive the Zamboni if I'm ever in California. Can we go to California? I'm gonna send Sparky some more drawrings. Sparky says..."'Zoid

"They're insipid, they're obvious, and they're uninspired, yet I just can't shake the feeling that I'm one ingredient away . . . what? A preachy, overstated Christian ethos? That's it! Thel, you're a fucking genius!Pete B.

Comedy, thy name is Keane.The Boy

". . . and we'll put 'em on that web thing, see. But just the pictures! And we'll let those web people fill in their own captions, so people will finally understand just how hard it is to come up with dialogue and maybe . . . what the hell are you lauging at?"Pete B.

"Who wants to play 'Where's my finger been?'"Lord Zombie

"Tit shots! That's how we're going to modernize the strip! Bouncy, glorious, tit shots and lots of 'em! The kids will love it! Now get naked, honey; papa needs some inspiration."Pete B.

"You want something Billy? Here is my answer. I'm CRUSHING your head! Crush! Crush! Crush!"Platypus

Now how am I going to wrap up the Dolly-and-Jeffy-in-love story arc, I wondered as I walked into the living room. Ah, yes, I realized, grabbing hold of the scene playing itself before me. Frezied group sex with Thel and Barfy. Accepting the decadent hell-hole that my house had become likely cost me my eternal soul, but God help me, it was the most productive artistic period in my life.Pete B.

"So today we learned how round lamps cast square pools of light. Come back tomorrow and you'll learn how to avoid drawing backgrounds by putting in random blue lines." Crazy Climber

Honey, it's gonna be a long night drawing again. could you put this much crown royal in my coffee this time?tupid

"...and then I flicked it into Roy's coffee. Man, you should have seen his face."bubba

Ah-ah-ah! All that crying isn't getting that Sunday page drawn, is it? The sooner you finish, the sooner we can go to the pound and save Barfy from...well...psshhhhhhhhh! koffkoffhack, hmm?Rotter

"Have you ever wondered how a Family Circus cartoon gets from my hand to your newspaper? It all begins with that upper shelf of Mad Dog bottles over there..."HOLY JESUS BATFUCK!

Fortunately, after the accident, Bil was able to draw just as well with his GI Joe Prosthetic Arm courtesy of Hasbro's Medical Division.Podbeing

"Hey Honey, the burglar didn't get away, after all! He's curled up in here on top of a pile of my strips, chanting 'kill me kill me kill me kill me'!"Hang Lose

You little shits better start coming up with some funny anecdotes...I'm fucking running out of ideas here!Les Miserables

"Billy, we need to work on these. I need bland, inoffensive, mildly amusing captions. And try to keep the penstrokes to a minimum , OK?"supernaut

My mother always said if you had this much talent, you could go far in America. And she was right. So long suckers! I'm off to a rave. -- From The P.T. Barnum of the Funny Pages: An Autobiography by AnonymousCoalcracker

Every halloween Bil would save money on candy by handing out rejected cartoons and shots of Jim Beam. Every November 1st we would pull the kids from the bushes and wash the eggs off the house.The Ghost of Roy Cohn

"Oh, don't worry, Mr. Cowles. I won't let the door hit my ass on the way out!"Westur the Unspeakable (shamelessly ripping off the ghost of captions past)

"'Bil,' my ol' man would say 'someday you're gonna be a great artist', then he'd laugh until streams of Pabst Blue Ribbon shot out of his nose."Rodney

"Gosh, Dolly, that's adorable! You stay right there while Daddy gets his sketch pad!" Kind words to be sure, but the fatherly advide I really needed to hear at this point was "Stop, Drop, and Roll". -- Dolly, MemoirsWestur the Unspeakable

"Honey, can you run to the store and pick up some more toilet paper? I've still got about three pounds of burrito running through the 'ol plumbing, and I'm down to the last five pages of 'Daddy's Cap is on Backwards!'"Hang Lose

"You see, I just take these two fingers and I PULL 'EM OUTTA MY ASS!" With that, the reporter from "Entertainment Tonight" decided that the interview was over.ItsClaude!

"That's right, bitch! You dis my cartoons again and I'll hit you twice as hard! Now get back in the kitchen and bake me some pie!"Lord Stan

So I flashed this sign to a Blood. Embarrassed? My face is still red!megafrim

Okay - you, you, you, you, you, you, and especially YOU are all going straight to Hell!NME--

Now here's the great part, all I have to do is send five cartoons to the guy at the top of the list....Peon

Ow. I have a boo-boo. Who wants to kiss it? Come on. Kiss it. I know you want to. Here. Kiss it. Kiss my boo-boo. I'll give you a hack cartoon if you kiss my boo-boo. It's a boo-boo. Smoochsmoochsmooch. Boo-boo!rudy

Wanted: Bil Keane; Middle-aged man, 6'1", goes by the aliases "Aunt Bil" & "Big Papa". If you see this man, shove a pencil into his eye, kick him in the crotch several times, and burn his corpse. Thank you. --Arizona State PoliceK-Man

About three hours into Bil's daily self-affirmation, Thel would usually enter the room and bitch-slap him until he curled up into a fetal position behind the credenza.Vinegar Tom

"Cousin Phyllis is getting married? Hot Damn! I got me a plotline for the next eight weeks!"Hang Lose

"Kids, when everyone at school taunts you, and tells you that you're a loser like your old man, and that you have no future, you know what you do? Hit the bottle, and hit it hard. Just like I did. Someday, you'll thank me for it."Hang Lose

"OK, so that's one can of whup-ass, Mr. Smarty-pants. Anyone of you other yard apes want to place an order? Anyone? Good. Now Billy, I want you to go up to my room, take your pants off, and wait for your punishment."Hang Lose

"I want a confession, and I want it now! Which one of you snuck into my office and added shading, perpsective and humor to these comics? Answer ME, DAMMIT!"Hang Lose

What do ya know? These DO suck!The one and only Don C.

"Yes sir Mr. Satan, anything you say!"Matt Miller

Eeeee... Teeeee... Phone... Home!D.G.Macpherson

"Now use your thumb and forefinger like this. You've got it, just use a little more wrist action." When Billy eventually reached puberty getting caught in the act was both embarasing and educational.Matt Miller

I think of my work as "Love Is" with an edgemegafrim

"Experiment . . . to . . combine my DNA . . . with . . Popeye . . . success! . . . feeling . . .weak . . . must . . . find . . spinach!"Hang Lose

"Good touch . . . Bad touch. . . . Good touch . . . Bad touch. . . " 'The Bil Keane Workout', coming this Fall from 20th Century Fox Home Video.Hang Lose

" ... So you can carry them around like a six-pack!"Stan Xhiao

Mercifully, 23 Short Films About Bil Keane was never even released to video.Gen. Sedgwick

So, you've discovered my Fortress of Color, hidden deep in the White Void. Sit down, relax, have some cocoa. It'll be easier to White Out your recent memories if you're holding still.Stefan Jones (Self-Salvaging)

"...to get to the other side!" Get it? Hey man, where ya going? I have a million of 'em! Come back!Mr. Ben McClellan (oh, brother)

OK, I admit that I still can't do perspective or backgrounds or dialogue, and that I draw the kids as melonheaded freaks. But just dig the detail on my lamps! I'm gonna chuck this "cartoonist" crap and send a portfolio to G.E.Gaijin Marty (self-destructing)

"Anyone know how to get eyeball juice out from under your fingernail?"Torc.

"Listen, Sparky, having Lucy pull the football away is funny, but if you let him kick it you'll upgrade to heartwarming. That's where the money is, baby!"Wabewalker (salvaging)

"And since I traded in my old nose for the CokeMaster-2000, I've been very happy."Ken

"... Step 3) wipe your finger on someone's back." Bil fleshes out his idea for a new self-help series: Nose Picking for Dummies.Stupid Picnic

"C'mon Dolly, put down the gun. We both know you're not going to..." BANG!Helder (salvaging agm)

"I spent $10 on the wedding present, but I made $12 on all the wedding panels. Now who's the idiot?"Helder

"Do not be fooled by the hype and misleading offers from other vendors! Pull my finger now for just $19.95, and receive 3 months of online service FREE!!"anon

Once God struck Bil deaf, his propositions became more funny than scary.668 Neighbor of the Beast

Classic ad from Parade magazine for potential artists, originally titled "Can You Draw Bil?" until the typo was fixed to read "Can You Draw, Bil?" Crazy Climber

"Shut the fuck up and keep drawing or else it's back to making Nikes for the lot of you!"Torc.

"Noooo, Daddy's not mad, but if Daddy hears 'STOP TOUCHING ME!' one more time, Daddy's gonna get the eraser. Capiche?"K-Man

"Oh, contrare! I actually pull 'em out of my armpit!"K-Man

"Eeney, meeney, miney, moe ... OK, Dolly, it's your turn to 'inspire' daddy."Helder

"Alright, I'll give you kids one hour to clean up all this blood. But then I start grounding."Helder

"I've got more talent in this little finger than I've got in my whole body."Helder

2: Never get Bil Keane wet, or he sheds more cartoons.HasNoName

The summit was proceeding peacably until Keane threw down the King Features hand signal and the Tribune crewe pulled out their iron in response. --East Coast, West Coast: The Syndicate WarsStan Xhiao

Well if I wanted your opinion, I'd beat it out of you...yes, well I mean I'd ask for it while I was beating you. Must you be so fucking pedantic?Lucifer Antichrist

"Teeth! Teeth! Watch the teeth!"Torc.

"Well, my spawn loathe me, my wife will bang anything that moves except yours truly, and my job is shit. Other than that life is peachy-fucking-keen."Torc.

"Say, that last caption fell as flat as, oh, I don't know, my original!"Stan Xhiao

"Remember kids, only you can prevent fires in my pants."Helder

"In real life I'm pushing 80, kids, and the same thing that's keeping you prepubescent is keeping me off life support. Now think, think really hard, about what might happen to you if, for any reason, I have to stop doing this strip. Can you say 'Dorian Gray'? Hahahahaaaah! What's this? A touch of arthritis in my drawing hand? Gee, I sure hope not! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!'zoid

Bil's attempts to break the "fourth wall" were always confusing because we were never sure how many other walls there were. -- The Keane Family: An Oral and Verbal HistoryHasNoName

Hi kids! Be cool, and stay in school. This is Bil Keane for Doodlers Against Drugs. And that should just about wrap up that pesky community service!Coalcracker

Another witty Stephen King parody is foiled as Bil tries to work out how to spell "cheap hooch" backwards.macb3th

Once again, indecision proves to be Bil's downfall in Rock, Paper, Scissors.Lt. Dan

"In their opening statement, Larson's attorneys insisted that he'd just intended to draw his usual caveman and any resemblance was purely coincidental." -- State of Arizona, In re FC #481.Gen. Sedgwick

Pulled after just one production run, this rare "Draw Tipsy" matchbook can fetch three figures on eBay.Sean Q

"Billy, could you put your mother out for the night?"Torc.

Thel, get a ruler! It's my biggest stiffy yet!Judgement Night

"a-one, and a-two, and...Who's the guy who draws the strip that's loved from sea to sea? B-I-L, uhhh... something, something, K-E-A-N-E! He works all day and leads the way and feeds the family, B-I-L, dum-ti-tum, K-E-A-N-E! C'mon kids, sing with me now!"'zoid

"Well, sure . . I mean, as an artist, I'm waaaay sub-par, and I'm a little too preachy sometimes, and there really isn't anything funny about my work, per se, and . . . uh . . where the Hell was I going with this?"Hang Lose

"First one to mispronouce something gets a birthday!"Torc.

"Now kids, look what your nude rough-housing has done. You've steamed up my glasses!"El Caballero

"I find your lack of faith disturbing." Bil's Darth Vader impersonation was actually creepier than the real thing.Stupid Picnic

After thirty years of cartooning, I can definitely say that it's the most fulfilling, rewarding career that anyone could ever have. Now if you'll excuse me, I must strip naked and slaughter my children, then bathe in their blood. Baal demands it! He speaks to me through my index finger! Can't you hear it?Seamus

"Just hear me out, Thel, hear me out! Another kid would mean 25% more cuteness, 25% more mispronunciations, 25% more humorous T-shirts, and all around 25% more fun! Just say you'll think about it, OK Thel? ... Thel?"'zoid

"Ladies and gentlemen of the press... In the spirit of total honesty and truth-in-packaging, I'd like to announce that I'm dropping the other 'L' from my name."'zoid

Your "close window" icon is up there. Do us both a favor and push it now.megafrim

Here kids,Wanna smell mommy?Maggotfoot

"Sweetie, can you come over here for a moment? Daddy needs another stroke of genius."Ken

"I like to think of myself as The Wizard of Awwwwws." With that comment, we knew we had no choice. The next day we had Bil committed to the Skelton Asylum for the Criminally Inane. -- Circle in a Downward Spiral: My Father's Descent, by Pavlov Jung Keane'zoid

"That's just fucking precious. I finally get a solo panel, and I don't even get a goddamn border?!? For Chrissakes, who makes the fucking decisions around here? ... What?"'zoid

I guess binge-drinking and buggery were pretty tiring, because he'd spend half the day passed out at the desk. One day, we replaced his lamp bulb with a sun-lamp, just for fun. Too bad that freaking masochist loved it. He played "Duck Duck Goose" just to figure out who would have to eat the peeled-off skin. Let's just say that stuff isn't very tasty. -- "Touched By a Demon" by Phrancis Jackson KeaneStiles

"I am the very model of a syndicated Car-toon-ist; of psychic ferns and Uncle Roy and drinking scotch until I'm pissed; of guttersluts and Ida Know and porking Jeffy with my fist; From Palindromes and Haiku and Nutsaks on the danger list; I know of what the soylent green is made, it's a nostril not a cyst; A log of fag, it's good-on-you, I don't know why the cartoon lists; In short, i know what holds the tent exactly wher it ist! I am the very model of a syndicated Car-toon-ist."-Gilbert & Sullivan, the lost years.Frenchy, the Toad Swallower

"This panel, ca. 1993, was when he decided to tell the caption in sign language, instead of writing. I had to remind him that deaf people can read words." -- excerpt from "Bil Keane's Innovations Make Me Want To Stab His Children," by Charles SchulzK-Man

"I've been scuffing my feet on this carpet for 3 hours. One more step, Officer Jones, and you'll be going back to the station in a Dirt Devil."K-Man

"Genius is 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration . . . and another 50 percent blow, as far as I'm concerned!"scoob

"Just listen, Artie. She wanted the house and we said 'Okay.' The car, the savings, my royalties, 'Okay.' We even let her get the kids, although what I'm going to draw now I haven't a clue. But you caved on the circles, Artie. You let her take my goddamn circles! You're a great guy and a terrific dancer, but you are one fucking lousy divorce lawyer."'zoid

Heh. Krahlin's giving those a.f.s. pinheads more trouble today. Fire off another $5 check to the lil' queer, willya hon?Doc Evil

"Ha ha, very funny. Ok, the joke's over. Who stole my compass? Come on, you know daddy can't start working until he has his compass..."Stupid Picnic

"Thel, I think I need a new 'ghost' character to freshen the strip up . . go run a bath and toss PJ in it."Hang Lose

Cartooning is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. That's why I hold each panel under my arm for half an hour.Bad Girl

"See this, Dolly? In last week's panel I told you to clean your room. Don't make daddy draw another panel telling you again!"El Caballero

From the size of his nose, I'd say this drawing was made after Bil had told just one lie, maybe two, tops.Gen. Sedgwick

"Why here's another cute cartoon about Our American Way of Life and family values! I'll send a copy of it to all the kids and our friends -- I know they'll appreciate my thoughtfulness!"M

Bil loved nothing more than talking to himself in the mirror. "You da man! You da man! I dont see anybody else here so you got to be da man!"Riff

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