DFC #482

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"We got to sacrifice a goat today! Dolly held it, I cut and Jeffy licked the knife!"maf

"Back off about a hundred feet Dad, we've got restraining orders."maf

Geez, those people are so touchy. You'd think they never heard the words "oral sex" before.Coalcracker

"... and she said it was a sin, so long story short, be sure an' say 'Hi' to Grampa when you meet him in Hell."Sean Q

"There's a guy from UPN in there needs your signature... turns out Father O'Maley's been tapin' confessions. "Sean Q

"Dad...the rev'rend told us today that Satan is reserving a special ring for us in hell. Isn't that great!"RMD

Billy Keane, used church salesman extraordinaire, closing yet another deal.Tom. Just Tom.

"We gotta go right home and practice, Dad ... next week is Palm Sunday."Stan Xhiao

"...so apparently, Jesus never actually had a father. Granted, Dolly's still screwed, but I have an idea that may be able to get me off the hook on this one!"Tom. Just Tom.

"We finished our part of the deal, now take us to Hooters."Torc.

"We got our Soul Certificates today! eBay, here I come!"Tom. Just Tom.

"Sorry we're late, but Sodom and Gomorrah Day was so much fun that no one wanted to stop."Helder

"Good news, Dad. Jesus forgives all your sins, no matter how terrible. Now all we gotta do is convince the District Attorney."Sean Q

I think the teacher really liked my report on "Inside Sodom and Gomorrah". She wants to talk to you...megafrim

Well, that's over; we know all we need to about Sunday.Joe Z

"First of all, there are ten commandments and none of them mention 'Man/Boy Leap-frog'"Rodney

"I can't beleive you drew a church, and the page didn't burst into flames!"Stiles

Today we learned what nubians were!the InSaNe

Now it's Sunday School every day! God bless the Kansas Board of Education!Seamus

"We studied the Old Testament today, oh my Pop, and I viddied myself all red with krovvy as I smote the Philistines, and then did the old in-out in-out with Solomon's wife."Stan Xhiao

" ... an' she kept drinkin' this 'Absolution Vodka'. Is that like holy water?"Riff

"Hey Dad, what's black and white and red all over and sits in the corner gettin' the floor all wet? Go check Room 12 and see for yourself!"Stan Xhiao

Hey..if this is Sunday why aren't we in color?Waldo

"So Joseph's dad bought him a beautiful coat which made him stand out, and his siblings got jealous and sold him into slavery. Neat story, huh?"Ken

"Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Wife...Doesn't leave much to do around the old Keane place, eh Dad?"Mr. Bunch

"Brother Robert mentioned your name an awful lot, dad. An awful lot."The Enigma

"We got Permanent Absolution Certificates. We just had to promise never to go to confession again."Sean Q (with a nod to Seamus)

"Uh, PJ's gonna be a little late, Dad. Father Steve is suffering the little bastard to come unto him."Stan Xhiao

"I'm filled with the Holy Spirit ... but I've left just enough room for a pitcher of Bloody Marys!"LuvBJones

"We may be in trouble. It turns out they can see you through the confessional screen."'zoid

"We swept the awards for 'Most Original Sin.' In my speech, I said we owed it all to you."'zoid

"Nice jacket dad...it's a 30-70 linen/wool blend, right? BAM! Leviticus 19:19! Burn in Hell, baby!Tom. Just Tom.

"Finger painting? Jewelry making? Cooking up bathtub acid? This Unitarian Church ROCKS!!!"Lt. Dan

"...we studied Numbers and Leviticus today. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some heavy-duty enforcing of God's will to do!"Tom. Just Tom.

"Today we learned about the Slaughter of the Innocents. Y'know, it's refreshing to hear about some biblical atrocity that we don't have coming to us."'zoid

Sunday school was a blast! Our teacher let us watch movies so we could count how many times they used the "foulest of the foul words!"Robbbbb

"We were learnin' about Moses, and decided PJ deserved a shot at being Pharoah, so we sent him down the river in a basket. Just kidding! About the basket, anyway."'zoid

Well, that's our half of the deal, fucker. Now get your fat ass in the wagon and bring me to Chuck E. Cheese.anon

So anyway, there was a Borgia pope who fathered like a dozen kids, poisoned people, and had 30 virgins in a stable for guests. I *do* wanna be a Catholic now!Slibs

"School's out, school's out! Pastor let the heathens out! No more pennance, no more hymns, no more Pastor's knowing leers as he relates the story of David and Jonathan, 'love surpassing that of women' my ass! Prob'ly a poor choice of words at the end, there.'zoid

"Turns out it's 'Gee-Zus,' not 'Hey-zoos,' and beatin' motherfuckers down with a tire iron is NOT what he would do."agtorange

"...an' that's how he knew Jeffy and I were Jewish. That can't be legal, can it?"K-Man

"It's pretty cool! We're already almost done with Genesis, and so far there's fratricide, threatened murder, offering one's daughters to a mob to avoid disturbing important visitors, and incest!"Tonton Macoute

The Second Children's Crusade is barely out the door when it encounters its first Infidel.Ken

"Me and Dolly like Speedball in the third at Pimlico, but Jeffy wants you to put $50 on Fleetfoot to place."L'angelo Mysterioso

Mom reserved an hour for you in the confessional booth.Les Miserables

"....some bullshit about God being almighty, being all-powerful, stronger than anything. So yeah, I kind of had to kick Timmy's ass."The Enigma

Teacher has some questions for you about our Biblical diorama. She says there's no mention of gerbils in Sodom and Gomorrah.Gaijin Marty

Well, apparently Jesus said "No man comes unto the father but by me." Like any rule of that sort ever applied in OUR house.Tim Harrod

"The whipped cream and cherry goes on top. Who knew?"Tim Harrod

"First thing when I get home: BURN OUR FUCKING COPY OF 'MARY POPPINS'!"K-Man (Click it, damn you!)

Guess What! our teacher said our presence here today actually opens one of the seven seals in the book of Revelations! Cool, Huh?Frenchy, the Toad Swallower

"You shoulda seen Sister Abner's face when I told her how we turn the other cheek!"Stan Xhiao

We like Sunday School here at Our Lady of the Frivolous Exposition.Dan Deake

"Are we goin' on vacation again? Father Jacoby said you were askin' for a truckload of pennants!"'zoid

"That Doughboy looks awful silly up on the cross, but these Pillsburyterians make some damn fluffy communion wafers! He is Risen!"'zoid

"So, according to Deuteronomy 22:28-29, we ALL have to marry Dolly."Cassandra (I'm not lying. Deuteronomy 22:28-29, NIV. And they say that Christianity promotes values.)

If God is everywhere, is he in the TOILET?Doc Evil

"OK, so Joseph wasn't getting any pussy, and suddenly Mary's pregnant? How fucked up is that? This is way cooler than All My Children"ItsClaude!

Father Brown said I don't have to honour you 'cause I'm actually a spawn of Satan.Lucifer Antichrist (tell Thel the child support cheque is in the mail)

You should here my side first. I was just tellin' this joke..."Two nuns and a rabbi are fist fucking a pig..."Lucifer Antichrist

...an' when Father O'Hagan says "this is my body" Dolly here figures it's time for Show'n'Tell. Anyway, by the time they get her dress back on...'zoid

I'll tell ya, King James can't hold a fuckin' candle to Anton LaVey.Lucifer Antichrist

"If the meek are 'posed to inherit the earth, then Jeffy's gonna be king, 'cause he's the biggest pussy ever!"Hang Lose

For missing Mass, he gives three "Our Fathers". For stealing, ten "Hail Mary's". For a blowjob, two cookies and a glass of milk.Judgement Night

"The reviews are in -- your panels were a hit with Sunday school teachers over the age of 90."Helder

"Did you know Balaam's ass could speak? I can only get mine to whistle!"'zoid

"It turns out we can do anything we want and no man may raise his hand against us. We've got the Mark of Keane."'zoid

"...as it turns out, 'Use Nonoxynol-9' wasn't the right answer to 'How can we stop abortion'..."Tom. Just Tom.

"We learned that evolution is an affront to God, and so is medicine, life-support, and just about anything else that might prolong Jeffy's life."Helder

"Pastor says pissing blood doesn't count as stigmata, so I'd hold off sending that fax to the Vatican if I were you."'zoid

"...and so the Lord wants us to embrace our fellow man and -- get the fuck out of my way -- treat all as brothers."Stan Xhiao

"Seth, Isaac, Jacob, Benjamin, David... It seems like the youngest son always ends up with the goods, so we offed PJ just to be safe."'zoid

"...an' then when Reverend Felcher told us about how God was all-powerful, we drew the sigils like you showed us and invoked the Elder Ones. You should've seen the look on his face!"Podbeing

"...an' we learned 'bout how th' Jews are dirty an' killed Jesus an' how God wants white peoples t' make 'em pay for it in blood and fire. Sunday School at th' Aryan Nations Compound is th' bestest ever!"Podbeing (self salvaging...oh please....)

"Wow, you were wrong, Daddy! Turns out, the Bible isn't just for beating people with-- there are some really fucked up stories in it, too!"Hang Lose

"Shit, Dad, are you gonna key Father Murphy's car every time he condemns the 'Soddomites'?"Hang Lose

"Honor thy Father and thy Mother" BWAH-ha-ha-haaaaaa!!! Man, Christianity is a HOOT!Doc Evil

"Father Smith helped clarify the meaning of Spare the rod, spoil the child for us. From now on, the rod is for external use only, understand?"Tom. Just Tom.

Dad, settle a bet for us. Which punch line is better: "Peter, I can see your house from here," or "when I was born there was no room at the inn, and now they're puttin me up for the night."Jokestress (Andrea)

"We came up with fifteen more commandments, thanks to you!"Torc.

So I'm closing a deal on fifteen kilos when some dumbass kid actually shows up for Sunday School!megafrim

It was kewl! But I still think Cthulu woulda kicked Jesus's ass if the Holy Spirit hadn't wacked him in the back of the head with a chair. I thought Governor Ventura was gonna keep it clean!Slibs

This is the best "Never Come Back Again" contract I've ever finalized. We all get seats in the College of Cardinals!megafrim

Nice try, nice sign and all, but we know a pleasure dungeon when we see one. We're outta here.Gen. Sedgwick

All that practice was wasted. Turns out they meant handling a real snake.Gen. Sedgwick

". . . an' it turns out the phrase is actually 'beggar thy neighbor'!"scoob

Bad news, Pops. Father O'Hara says that "Coveting thy neighbor's wife" shtick ALSO applies to husbands, too...Doc Evil

"You missed the play, dad. Dolly was the harlot, I was Jesus's life insurance agent, and Jeffy humped the loaves and fishes."Helder

"Father! Why hast thou not forsaken me?"'zoid

o/~ "Who put 'da BOMB' in Abomination? Who's the Mark McGwire of the Cardinal sin? Who got the LAY in the Revelation? Who does the dirty dance with angels on the head of a pin? Billy! Billy! Billllleeee Keeeeeane, that's who!" o/~'zoid

"We're Saved! Forgiven! Time to commit this week's list of atrocities!supernaut

"The clinic picket was fun and all, but I just don't know. I mean, we're such good customers..."Tom. Just Tom. (salvaging myself. I must break that record.)

"It turns out that simply being crucified doesn't make you the Messiah. We'd better go home and get PJ down."Tom. Just Tom.

"I guess 'speaking in tongues' has nothing to do oral sex. Boy, was my face red!"'zoid

"Yes, Dad, spilling one's seed is a sin, but I don't think using your kids to keep it from hitting the ground is much better..."Tom. Just Tom.

I never figured out what he had told Father Mahoney, but the little bastard didn't stop saying Hail Marys until Thursday evening.Tom. Just Tom.

Bad news for you Dad. They gave back the deeds to our souls today.Anastasia

Dolly's not allowed back until her yeast infection clears up. And you might not want to get on the subject of loaves and fishes with her either.Anastasia

They told us to "honor thy father and mother," but, SHIT, you need to let out that jacket, Fat Ass.Jeddie Bear

The teacher said her name was Babylon, but I'm still pretty sure my whore's name was Candy.Nethicus (all the ones I pick up are named Candy Sue)

"If life does begin at conception like they say, how come Dolly's 'bortions don't come to visit us like Grampa?"'zoid

"Did you know PJ weighs 'zactly the same as a duck? I guess 'weighed' would be more accurate."'zoid

Watcher Archives File #482:Billy 'The Kid' Keane - Subject is a notorious coward, and only leaves holy ground when absolutely necessary. This, combined with his complete lack of a neck, has kept him alive since he was first identified in 1689. He had repeatedly blackmailed married couples into 'adopting' him, in a futile effort to recreate the family that abandoned him three centuries ago.Schol-R-LEA

"Get thee behind me, Sata -- er, no, wait. That'll probably just as bad...."Bad Girl

"They let us see the Relic. It's a pennant saying 'Cairo' from the Baby Jesus's flight to Egypt."'zoid

"Marx was full of shit. As opiates go, I'd rank this just below a poppyseed muffin."'zoid

"For the faith-healin' to work, they have to lay hands on the afflicted part. Needless to say, Pastor won't treat your 'burning sensation.'"'zoid

"...it did say that 'Jesus is my shepherd', but there was no mention of fathers prepping their children for 'His holy ass-reaming'..."Tom. Just Tom.

"Isn't wearin' your keys on the left a little presumptuous, Bil? We all know you couldn't 'top' an altar boy."'zoid

"Of all the Patriarchs, you remind us most of Noah... Passed out drunk, exposing your nakedness to your children."'zoid

"Teacher says you shouldn't help us with our homework anymore. Teacher says you shouldn't be in the same town when we do our homework anymore."'zoid

"You were right, dad -- Sunday School is the perfect solution for sinner's block."Helder

The lady running th' Sunday School asked us all who Our Father was. We said we weren't sure.Ratman

Yes, Dad ...according to Father O'Brien, the Pope is Catholic. But he got pissed when I asked him about the bear.Kevy

"We were all s'posed ta quote a bible verse, but all I could remember was a punchline from B.C. Turns out they couldn't tell the difference!"Vinegar Tom

"Dolly's gonna be Mary Magdalene in the Easter play, an' I'm her pimp."'zoid

"Out of our way, you lapsed bastard."Stan Xhiao

"She stood me in the corner and kept swatting my butt with a crucifix. I kinda liked it."El Caballero

Two minutes, thirty seconds until we were booted out! Did we break our old record?Coalcracker

"Actually, all we got were calendars...because it's TUESDAY, YOU IDIOT!"K-Man

"Y'know that thing we did last night? An abomination. And Friday night? Another abomination. And Wednesday? Two scoops of abomination, with caramel swirls and p'stachios. And last Sunday, after church? Abomination!"'zoid

"Wha' ever they tell ya 'bout me an' the Blood a Chrisht, issa...is alla...it ain't true.Vitamin Tom

"...an' when I told him you had 'stigmata, he passed out cold. Are you sure that's the only reason you can't wear contacts?"K-Man

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