DFC #483

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Hello, I'm Billy, and I'll be your pimp this evening. As you can see, we have a wide range of choices here for you this eve- Dammit Jeffy, get in line like everyone else!Leth

Nice couple like you, you'd figure you wouldn't need a surrogate mother.Captain Pedantic

Hi. You came here for a pleasant evening of dinner and conversation. You'll leave here as sodomized broken shells of the people that you once were, along with newly developed fears of children and appliances that will last until death rescues you from your tormented existence. And then we'll have dinner.rudy

"Pucker up, Buttercup! No one gets to see Bil without first passing the oral exam!"Chaplin Perilous

It's ok, when he wags it like that it means he likes you. If he was actually stroking it, you'd be best to hide.Leth

"Okay, final offer... baby alone is three large, take the brood mare with you and we'll let him go at two and a half."Stan Xhiao

When the government finally reopened the Mustang Ranch things just weren't the same.Doihle

"Careful. Jeffy can smell fear."Helder

*sniff* *sniff*...I just have one word for you, lady...MASSINGALE!Les Miserables

Kinda skinny. You got any fat missionaries?Captain Pedantic

I don't know who you people are, but Mom said I get to breastfeed after PJ, so just take a number and have a seat in the waiting room.Vitamin Tom

"Hi. I'm 'Broken Rubber', and this is 'Rhythm Method', 'Forgot to Take the Damn Pill', and 'I Swear I Pulled Out In Time'. We hear that you're thinking of having premarital sex-- but maybe you'll change your tune after you've seen our little show-- HIT IT, GANG!" The Keane Family Singers take to the road to counsel America's misguided youth . . . Hang Lose

"May I take your coat? Purse? Dress?"Hang Lose

"I'll give ya ten bucks and a handjob for the sportcoat."Stan Xhiao

"It's nice to see you again, Mr. Welch. And, my, You can hardly notice the scar from the whiskey bottle. I trust we'll avoid the topic of abortion tonight?"Hang Lose

"Well excuse us, but then maybe you oughtta lock your door!"Hang Lose

"If a guy shows up at the door-- about 6'1", blond hair, no pupils, carrying a chainsaw and missing an 'L' in his name, we're not here."Hang Lose (borrowing from captions past)

"We had some trouble finding your valuables, so we decided to wait until you came home."Helder

"Not only are you going to make a home run on the first date, but she'll drag you kicking and screaming over home plate again and again."El Caballero

That's right....look at the hair....the hair is your friend.... Ok, they're done. Grab the credit cards and poke a hole in the condom in his wallet.Leth

I see you've never been to one of our parties before. You've brought a lovely slave, but you're a little overdressed, don't you think?Seamus

"I'm terribly sorry, but the storm has disrupted our telephone system. Stay for the night, and I'll send Jeffy for a carriage in the morning. Dolly will show you to your room, and Thel will prepare a platter for you if you wish. But for your own safety, I must insist: If you hear a knock on your door after midnight, in the name of God don't answer it!" -- Scene from RKO/Universal's The Haunting of Bil House (1934)'zoid

"Well, your husband should have worn waterproof shoes, then. Or at least yellow ones."scoob

"Don't feel too bad; I thought that was her name, too, until I was four."crispy

"Damned if I know how it happened, but he's conditioned to grab anything dangling and try to climb up it. I'd lose that tie if I were you."Pete B.

When Bil saw the Mormons advancing down the sidewalk, he sent an advance phalanx of shock troops to stall them at the threshhold. Feverishly, he rummaged through the rumpus room for the cattle prod, duct tape, and personal lubricant, which were not in their usual places. "Dammit!" thought Bil. "Why the hell did I ever let those little shits have the combination to the safe?"L'angelo Mysterioso

We're glad you were impressed, but there's been some mistake... the "Believe it or Not" Museum is two blocks overmegafrim

Okay, you got two choices. You can wait for the rohypnol in the wine to take effect, or you can search for the antidote, hidden somewhere on one of our bodies. Either way is dandy with us.Der Karpfen

"I think I see your problem, mister. 36-24-36 is only desirable when it's in inches, not centimeters."Tom. Just Tom.

"So the church sent you over to 'witness,' eh? Well, this is a good place to witness stuff, all right."Stan Xhiao

"Have fun on the honeymoon. Don't do anything that we've done to your new wife twenty or thirty times before."Helder

"That's a nice coat. It'll look great crumpled up on the floor next to my Dad's bed . . . and your strangled, lifeless body."Hang Lose

"What pained, miserable cries coming from the basement? I don't hear any pained, miserable cries coming from the basement. Dolly? Jeffy? Mom?"Hang Lose

Did you ever see that Twilight Zone movie that had the kid with the gnarly powers? Good! That will save me time breaking you in....Slibs

"Hey Mister! Mister! I can stick my fist up my ass! Can you? Mister? Hey Mister!"Stiles

With the novelty of the Macarena long gone, the Keanes needed a new dance for greeting visitors. Sadly, it was Billy "Lord of the Dance" Keane's turn to choose....Stiles

"Welcome to Keane's Ko-Z Bed-and-Breakfast. You'll be in my bed, your young gentleman will be with Dolly, and in the morning you can help Thel with the breakfast. I like my eggs runny."'zoid

Sorry, we thought this was our house. We'll just put your things back and leave. No need to call the police. Honest mistake. Our bad.Judgement Night

"Shoulders BACK, maggot! Eyes FORWARD! Suck in that gut, and straighten your tie! Jeffy, check the shine on his shoes! For God's sake, how do those pinheads in Washington expect us to win a war with recruits like these?"?!?"'zoid

That's nice. Our God says that missionaries of the infidel must be used carnally before their entrails are drawn from their bodies and their living hearts torn from their ribcages. But we do it out of love.The Reverend

"Welcome to the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program!"Dvandom

You're late! Bil's been marinating for three hours!Seamus

"Well, we were just gonna leave PJ in a basket on your doorstep, but the whole thing sorta snowballed from there."Hang Lose

"My standard stud fee is $600. If you don't want to wear the bag, it's an even grand."Torc.

Okay, so I'm not 6-foot-two, I'm not Swedish, and there are actually 5 of us. Do you believe all the personals in your swinger's mag?megafrim

"A deal's a deal. You wanted to adopt an unwanted child? Well, meet Jeffy."Helder

"Sorry, this is the Hydroencephaly support group. The Scoliosis support group is two doors down."Stupid Picnic (salvaging Scoob)

"They're called Kegel exercises. What are you doing?"Heath

Got any pictures of her with a great dane? Wanna buy some?Lucifer Antichrist

"Sooo...you claim to be my future self who has come back through time in order to warn me about the childhood depravity which would be my undoing. OK, Mr. Hotshot, if you're me, what color dildo am I holding behind my back?"Omigawd

Hey pal, a deals a deal. You knew that when you signed up for "Wifeswap.com."Lucifer Antichrist

"Here are the house rules. I suggest you learn them. Lights out at ten. Anyone puts a light on after ten spends the night with Bil. No smoking 'cept on designated breaks. Anyone smoking while not on break spends the night with Bil. No talking during meal times. Anyone talking during meals spends the night with Bil..."'zoid

"We haven't served that spirit here since 1969."M (with special guest Helder)

"You're the fifth couple Planned Parenthood sent over this week. The other four all agreed that vasectomies were the way to go."L'angelo Mysterioso

"What's the matter, cat got your tongue? Because it sure looks like that pussy's got your whip."Stan Xhiao

"Well, duh, you gave him one cookie, you're going to have to give him more. Christ, don't you people pay attention to the 'Do Not Feed The Bears' signs?"K-Man

Thats right, I'm your sperm donor. And as you can see, I've brought some of my previous work as references.Slibs

He says "No man may come unto the father but by me." It's something he picked up in Sunday School.'zoid

"I'm glad you agreed to meet us, Mrs. Kehane. This will be difficult to believe, but we have proof. Twenty-five years ago, two women with similar names gave birth in the same hospital, on the same day. There was a mix-up. Anyway, to make a long story short, your husband is our baby brother."'zoid

"We'll give you your baby back, if you guess my brother's name."'zoid

Nah, don't worry 'bout old Thel... She always gets rather cobra-like around strangers...rudy (looks like she's ready to strike, doesn't she?)

Bil and Roy are on vacation this week. Filling in will be the Smithsons from down the block. Otherwise, the negatives get released.Pete

"Alright Jeffy, here's the kid who stole your lunch money in '75. Go ahead and beat him up."Helder

"Just don't develop that film until after you've brushed your teeth. Several times."Hang 'Urban Legend' Lose

"...Now Dolly, you stand in front of the lady, On the count of three, start climbing!"supernaut

"Well, he calls it 'Performance Art,' but it's more commonly referred to as a 'weak bladder.'"Ogdred

"Oh, man....we are gonna kick your asses so hard."Ogdred

"So, you're the new interns, then? Well then, Bil's in the rumpus room, you'd better get your clothes off and get started."Schol-R-LEA

"Jeffy'd like to know if you want your Whup Ass in a can or on tap?"Torc.

"Well, Dolly and Thel both want to keep you, but Jeffy says he just can't work with someone who doesn't know how to accesorize a checkered sport jacket."Cassandra

"No, I'm sorry. Our shrine to Abe Vigoda is, er, under renovation. But please, sit down, have a drink."Ken

If every sperm is sacred, you can consider your shoes now blessed.Mr. ?

"Then, Bil had another of his 'brilliant' fucking ideas--he brought in our Cousins Oliver and Betty to live with us. Those two were supposed to 'rap' with us kids and get teenagers to read the strip. We found them three days later, dangling from the shower rod. Lucky bastards..." -- from It Stands For Peter James, Now What The Fuck Are YOU Looking At? by P.J. KeanePete

Your house? Ha ha! You must be mistaken, Mr. and Mrs. Harrison. If I were you, I'd just smile and nod and back the hell away!Mr. ?

"There's yer Antichrist. Exorcise away."K-Man

"We've accepted Jesus Christ as the butt of most of our jokes. Does that count?"K-Man

Billy's rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot" always got a little out of hand around the 'here is my spout' line.Heath

"Sorry, but it took six days to get Bil detoxed and we don't want anyone bringing him any 'surprises'. Jeffy, frisk the boy. Dolly, get your rubber gloves."'zoid

"I can see it in your eyes. You're starting to have doubts about trusting that Natural Family Planning bullshit."flodnak

"I bet you wish you picked Door #3."Helder

"Welcome back from the honeymoon, Auntie April. Make sure an' ask Mom here what it felt like passing a Keane baby through her narrow hips."Sean Q

"So, yes, I am the 'other man', but I'm going to be big about this and set her free."Stan Xhiao

Better give me your belt and tie now.agm

"I'd call off the wedding if I were you. Jeffy's gaydar never lies."maf

Thanks for coming. Please note that Bil Keane's "marriage encounter" program is not affiliated with your local church, or with any religion that acknowledges a vengeful god.megafrim

"Him? Oh, that's just little Torgo - he looks after the place when I'm away."Westur the Unspeakable (Manos, anyone?)

"You poor, poor, dumb bastards. You have no idea what you've walked into, do you?"The Enigma

"The first door to the right leads to the coatroom, the second door leads to the bathroom, the third door leads to Dad's inescapable den of anal torture, and the last door goes to the kitchen. For your sake, try not to get them confused."Hang Lose

"Mom, put PJ down. We don't want him to miss the view."Stan Xhiao

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