DFC #484

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

...two crayons, those stubby scissors and the I Can Draw All By Myself! book there. That should pretty much take care of Dad...Coalcracker

"I got a day planner, some pencils, and a three-pack of Monistat-7. Bring on the third grade!"Sean Q

"Thanks, Mom, every kindergartener needs a Ray Conniff Singers LP!"Stan Xhiao

Looks like someone forgot to shave this morning!Captain Pedantic

"You look nice, mom. Naughty schoolteacher fantasy again?"Flan!

"...well, Jeannie gots the Trapper Keeper with the unicorns, and Betty gots one with a butterfly, and Kimmie gots one with kittens, and Sally gots one with puppies, and oh yeah, Cthulhu - that's fine... and Bobby gots one with..."Flan! (correcting his subliminal typos)

"But mom, the only supplies I need for Sunday School are three nails and two planks of wood."Helder

"... a pencil sharpener, some crayons, fifty pounds of potassium nitrate, two fuses, a clock..."agtorage (channeling Pat Oliphant)

"Wow, I didn't know condoms even came in that size."Helder

"It's no use, Mom. First, Dad says a woman's place is in the home and won't let you take a job. Second, they screen teachers for previous child abuse convictions in this district. Third, and most importantly, Pacey transferred months ago."Cassandra

"Any store that considers Physical Graffiti to be an essential school supply is all right by me!"scoob

"Nunchuks, bamboo flute, rice paper... those shaolin monks are pretty specific, huh?"agtorange

"Why can't we buy toilet paper like normal families?"deX!

Every fall, I made sure to stock up on Garfield lunch boxes and Peanuts binders at the back to school sales. Between Bil's inevitable arrest for child abuse and the kids' prolonged hospital stays, I could usually manage to have the house entirely to myself until Halloween. -- Thelma Keane, Guilty PleasuresWestur the Unspeakable

"Let's see what's next on the list ... a three-hole punch? Amateurs."Stan Xhiao

"Put them down, Mom, we'll go home and you can wash real dishes in the real sink."Stan Xhiao

"These fell out of your skirt."Stan Xhiao

"So, you promise if I make it through high school I won't end up with no career, a pansy husband and spawn from hell?"Torc.

"It's a lunchbox. Just think of it as another useless attempt to appear normal, kinda like when you buy Daddy underwear."Sean Q

Xena this and Xena that...Jesus, Thel, you already have a lesbian love princess. And stop trying to live vicariously through me already!Tyranork (salvaging...for the LORD'S sake)

Mom, I just love what you've done with the living room!megafrim

Can we come back Sunday and buy color crayons?megafrim

"As if we didn't get enough of them at home, now they have those fucking AOL disks here, too!?"K-Man

I would say get the 64 pack, but remember what Bil likes to do with the sharpener?Coreens

"Please stay out of the bargain bins, Mommy. I'm not taking 'History of the Fatherland' and I can't read cyrillic!"'zoid

"A slide rule?!? Christ, it's gonna be another long year..."Sean Q

"Jesus, how many copies of 'I Had A Frightmare' do you think I need?"Stan Xhiao

"Well, I'm done. You want I go fetch P.J. from Lost and Found now?"Sean Q

"Pantyhose? Oh boy! Are we going to play Armed Robbery again?"Stiles

"Put that down. All money must be spent on me."sx

"Here comes your security escort, Mom . . . and you thought they forgot!"Hang Lose

"I know you're peeved about the wardrobe mix-up, Mom, but I'll bet that Carol Brady isn't too thrilled about your spandex, either."Hang Lose

"Mom, quit kidding yourself . . this is Jeffy we're talking about. The only way he'll want a 'G.I.Joe' binder is if it has a picture of him naked and straddling a rocket launcher."Hang Lose

"And don't forget to get Daddy his six-pack of Schaefer. I don't want to send another four hours in the emergency room."Hang Lose

"What I really need is some new underwear. Daddy keeps sending mine out to his 'net buddies."Hang Lose

"Save the trouble, Mom. It's the same class, the same teacher, the same lessons, the same tests, and the same homework every goddamn year. I haven't needed new school supplies since 1963."'zoid

MOM! We both know that those humanist bastards are simply going to corrupt my mind with ideas like evolution and math. Can't we just go with good old God-fearing home schooling?Marty

"Since when is a three-speed vibrator a school supply?"Captain Kirk

Let's get out of Remainders R Us. This geography book only has 47 states, for chrissakes!Lucifer Antichrist

"We have to wear uniforms this year. I'm thinking Gestapo."agtorange

"And I'll need some manilla envelopes for the incriminating photographs ... I mean, extra-credit research projects."Helder

"Jesus, Thel, hurry up! Bil can only hold that gun at the cashier for so long..."K-Man

"I hate to interrupt your post-Valium shopping trance, but they're about to arrest Bil for picking up quarters in the fountain with his asscheeks."Stiles

Dear Parents, due to budget cutbacks at Our Lady of the Bleeding Fist, students must supply their own "Displine Rulers." If your last name is Keane, you may want to know that Save-Mart is selling rulers by the gross. Sincerly, Mother Abigale Wackenhands, Headmistress.Vitamin Tom

Get th' ruler with th' METAL, edge, Ma. I can't draw blood with those wimpy plastic ones...Doc Evil

And you still haven't put on the My Daughter Fellated Your Honor Student sticker I won last year.Ken

"For Chrissakes, I'm going to Yale. Spring for the 128-crayon box."Torc.

"Oh, yeah. Jeffy left with some strange guy an hour ago. I thought you might want to know."Lots42@aol.com

"...and 800 pounds of paper mache, a propane tank, and yeah a couple of those magnesium flares. I'll show Mr Claude's Science class that I aint taking a backseat to Lainey's dry ice science project volcano again!"Slibs

Look! I speak in Italic! Sign me up for that 2nd period Latin class!Slibs

``Mom, we do this every September: you buy me school supplies, I write an essay about what we did last summer, the school sends the police after Bil & the Children's Protective Services takes us away, you sell the school supplies & run away with a trucker. Why not this year we skip the part about school, & I go directly to the police, you keep all of the money & we get you out of our lives for more than one crummy weekend?"A Clueless Newbie

"Oh, and get lots of difficult-to-identify objects. I can't do show-and-tell without 'em."Helder

"FYI, Dad wandered into Sporting Goods, and he's starting to get the look again..."Sean Q

"I don't know what 'Sclioun Supulics' means either... Maybe it's Latin for 'Free Shit.'"crispy

Thel thought about saving some time by just buying the damn diploma.Duke

"For the last time, everything is a dollar! That's a dollar, that's a dollar and that's a dollar!"Schol-R-LEA

"I know you mean well and all, but let's be honest, Thel, if you want me to look less butch, dropping the steroid treatments would probably be more effective than a 'Hello Kitty' binder..."Schol-R-LEA (salvaging Tyranork, sort of)

You're not just buying this lunchbox to tease me, are you? You are going to make me lunches this year, right? Right?Anastasia

"Geez, Mommy, you're wasting a good blackout. Looting's supposed to be for fun stuff, not practical things!"'zoid

Hell, even I'm a dollar.Yakko (adding to Schol-R-LEA)

"That's a French Curve? I guess I won't need all these batteries, then."Helder (inspired by Lots42@aol.com)

"Is this the year I finally won't have to dress like Barbara Eden and carry around exclusive 'I Dream of Jeannie' supplies? I'm guessing 'No.'"Bob Scott

"Get the 100 pack. Teacher is hot and I'm going to be dropping a lot of pencils."El Caballero

Don't you wipe?Zillno

"Every whore in town knows about Daddy's foot fetish. You don't think anyone's buying that 'I stubbed my toes on the stairs' excuse?"ddsteven

"Can't we buy folders somewhere besides the second-hand store? I'm tired of explaining to the other kids who Scott Baio is."Helder

"Buy it if you want, but I don't really need it. The Athletic Department hires some other kid to go to class for me."'zoid

"Um..I'm kinda thinking Teacher's not gonna do any lessons involving manila shipping envelopes, old Percy Faith records, and Altoids...let's try another store.."Don Cabron

Aw no, Mom! Please not the Ricky Martin folders! I'll be good, I swear!Mr. Ben McClellan

"Buck up, lil' partner! We might even be in the same class this year!"Tyranork (never learned to read!)

"OH! OH! And some of that unidentifiable crap on the right!"El Caballero

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