DFC #486

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Twenty three of the requested specimens have been gathered Master Zarx. Request permission to commence the anal probes.megafrim

"You'd better check the fuckin' list again, lady... I'm tellin' you I'm not defective and I don't belong here."Stan Xhiao

"Anybody can stick a plant in a stupid little pot. Wanna see where mine's growing?"Tonton Macoute

"My daddy taught me how to smuggle heroin. Wanna see how it's done?"Ogdred

Damn! Here, let me fix your pony tail...Namgubed the Merry Elf

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who realizes underwear are an instrument of patriarchal oppression.3 Dollar Bil

"I'll take the girl with glasses and the one with the blocks, for now. Gimme a call when your next shipment arrives."Helder

"See the little man in the boat? Whoops! Missed it! See the little sausage in the big bun? Whoops! Missed it again!"Stan Xhiao

"You call that a defensive posture? Lift up that shield! Hold the blade properly!"Stan Xhiao

"Guess where I'm pierced!"Tonton Macoute

"You're like one of those aliens in the late-night movies, aren't you, with the big bloated heads and an IQ of a jillion and you come to save us from our own stupidity, or maybe it's to eat us, I dunno, I'm always asleep by the third commercial."Ken

Miss Hurley would never let Dolly be Simon again.Ken

"And Rule Number Three: Don't piss me off. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies."Stan Xhiao

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ... and I thought ... ha ha ha ... Thel had a ... ha ha ha ... bad haircut."Helder

"Hurry up with that pass! My water broke."K-Man

"My mommy says I need help in the bathroom." Another trap baited, another substitute violated.El Caballero

"'Milk and cookies'? That's funny. Let me know when the Chivas gets here."ItsClaude!

"For today, can we change the name of 'Show and Tell' to 'Scratch and Sniff'?"Captain Kirk

"Where's Mikey? Oh. He wouldn't share the green crayon, so I gutted him like a catfish and stuffed him in his cubbyhole."Captain Kirk

"Do you remember my brother Billy from two years ago? I just want you to know I can be twice the man he was."'zoid

"I just hate the club scene, don't you? What say you and I go find someplace where we can hear ourselves talk, hmmmm?"'zoid

"Just so's you know, Mommy gave me her Prozac this morning 'stead of my Ritalin. I'll tear the roof off the place, but I'll be smilin' all the while!"'zoid

"The blonde with the ponytail, talkin' to teacher? Not unless you got an asbestos dick, kid. You could bake bread in that pussy."agtorange

"I have to go to the bathroom. Wait...ahhhh. Okay, carry on."agtorange

"You're nice. I think I'll kill you last."Torc.

"...thus if the ruling class we establish grants all the worker students decent grades, my theory will be proven and I can tell the National Review to go ahead and publish my report, Marx was a big poo-poo-head."Torc.

"All this and shit wages. Lucky you."Torc.

"The other kids call me The After-School Special. Meet me at 3:15 if you wanna find out why."'zoid

"Nap time. Third mat from the cactus. I'll be waiting for you, babe."'zoid

Miss Hoover? Is that your real name or is it just what the vice-principal calls you?Rotter

No, you really REALLY don't want to know where my homework is.James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight

Well, my Daddy said to leave anything illegal out of my "What I Did This Summer" essay.Lucifer Antichrist

How did my panties come to be around my ankles? Well, that's a funny story...Lucifer Antichrist

Look, girly, we found you on eBay and we can find a replacement just as easily, so you toe the line.Lucifer Antichrist

Nice school you've got here. It would be a shame if anything were to happen to it...hucke

"In case you're interested, Bobby's eyes are bleeding and for once it's not my fault."Torc.

"Actually, I like to think of myself as Teacher's Petter."maf

Seriously, once you've experienced my prehensile pony tail, you'll never go back to men.Norm DePlume

And if I lift the hem just a little more, Ralphie's bow tie will spin and smoke will come out his ears. Isn't cartoon kindergarten fun?!Norm DePlume

I was just thinking of that scene in "Fantastic Voyage" where the white corpuscle was eating the bald guy's head. No particular reason.Norm DePlume

I give you two days. Tops.TBone's House O' Screamin' Weasels!!

Ahh.. there's my Mr. Jellyfishy!Mr. ?

"Your asthma inhaler? Why, it's somewhere in this room, but right now you're very, very, very cold."Jester

"You must be the new hyperthyroid girl. Welcome to the 'tard class."Stan Xhiao

"...an' I'm not allowed to learn about dinosaurs, or hom'setuals, or books with dirty words, and I can't have any peanut oil, and red food dye makes me hyper, and I need help putting my boots on and taking them off when it's wet, and I'm scared of bees, and I'm excused from having any flouride, and Mommy says that I can't get near that Jewish kid any more cause last time I told him about Jesus there was almost a lawsuit, and I hope we'll have a lot of fun this year."Cassandra

Miss Krantz, I, um, well, Joey, he, umm... we're, well... Where do we keep the Vaseline?rudy

"I just wanna make sure of something... Anything I Show 'n' Tell is protected by the teacher/student privilege, right? You can't use it in court against me, right?"'zoid

"Hey, white hankie, left side. Move that over to the right and I'll meet you in the janitor's closet at nap time!"LuvBJones (salvaging Matt Miller)

"My Show n' Tell is on female ejaculation!"LuvBJones

"I think we realized that Dolly was destined for a career as a tobacco lobbyist the day she convinced the teacher to let them play Doctor instead of Dodge-Ball. Well, a lobbyist or a high-priced defense attorney." -- "Still Eight Months After All These Years" by Petrovich John KeaneStiles

What do I want to be when I grow up? When I grow up? Ha ha ha ha!Mr. ?

Oh, puh-leeze. Not only do I hear the hum, I can tell it's a Doc Johnson. Next time might I suggest one from Adam & Eve?Gen. Sedgwick

"OK, I finished the 'balance the ball on the nose' trick. Now can I please have a fish?"BA (salvaging Hos)

Miss Honeywell could only stare silently as the little Keane girl began to 'oink' at her.BA

"You weren't emotionally attached to that gerbil, were you?"Helder

"YOU SCREWS CAN'T BREAK US!...there's gonna be a breakout at recess...EVERYONE HERE KNOWS WHAT HAPPENS TO SQUEALERS!...Janey made a shiv outta her barrette..."'zoid

It's a simple deal: I get all A's, and my Daddy never hears about "Career Day".megafrim

"HAH! Just try and flunk me! I'm here on a affletic scholarship, and Coach'll have your ass if I can't play."'zoid

"The Students' Ideology Collective would like a brief word with you about today's citizenship lesson."'zoid

Aug. 1985: Seeing a teacher drawn as a real person instead of a 'wanh, wanh' sound temporarily stupefied and confused Schultz, allowing Keane to temporarily make up some lost ground. -- The Cartoon Wars, Ch. 13: Arizona Geezersagm

The rest of the students had a pool on how long it would take Dolly to make this teacher to snap.Male Bimbo

"Of course the last teacher that gave me a C+ had a really bad accident with a baseball bat, but don't let that influence you."maf

"I'm sorry, but my lawyer advised me not to discuss what I did during my summer vacation until the trial is over."Helder

"Look, we both know half these idiots will never get beyond eighth grade. So why don't you give me a free hand to thin the herd a bit? You'll get a higher average achievement rating, and I'll get to do what Dolly does best."'zoid

Damn, the last time I saw anything with a head that swollen and misshapen was when Dad came back from Bangkok.Gen. Sedgwick

For "Show and Tell," I pierced by labia. Again.Bad Girl

"How does it make you feel that half of these bed-wetters are already better with computers than you'll ever be?"'zoid

"A-B-C-G-yadda-yadda-who gives a fuck. When you've got the skills I've got, you don't need a diploma."'zoid

"We're supposed to tell the authorities if our parents keep drugs around the house? Why, are you looking to buy?"'zoid

"I need extra attention, 'cause I have daily sex. I mean dyslexia."'zoid

"Well, YOU try drawing a picture of your house when it doesn't retain the same shape for more than 10 seconds at a time!"Magus

"Why . . . Pam? . . Pam Smith? The Pam Smith that was a pretty, young co-ed at the University of Arizona in 1978? You spent three weeks chained up in our basement-- 'member me now?"Hang Lose

So what'd you think of my 'What My Daddy Does With Me" paper?The EXXXorcist

"Yeah, it was me who slipped the meth into the gerbil food. It's not as cute as Hamster Dance but it's still pretty funny, don't you think?"'zoid

Before the third week of school last year, I had the teacher whimpering like a puppy at my command... Don't think it will take as long with you.Lord_Xeno

I'll be good. May I please have my shiv back now?Anastasia

And there, in the crowd, their eyes locked. --from I Am Curious (Melon)Heath

"grrr.... ARF!! ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF! rrr... ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!..."sect

"We are stronger than you could ever imagine, Ms. Rafferty. And we know. Oh, yes.....we know."The Enigma

Trust me. You don't want to know what happened to the class hamsters.RMD

"Some days a girl just feels like lifting up her skirt and getting some air circulating on the ol' pussy, know what I mean?"Stan Xhiao

"Sure sure...study real hard so I can go to college and meet a nice boy, get married, have kids, discover that he's a child-abusing drunk with no real ambition or talent...yeah, of course I can see why doing my homework is so important."Stan Xhiao

You're a lot prettier than Mrs. Byrd.... well, after the acid incident anywaysMr. ?

"I can fit your hair in my mouth!"Bob Scott

"....Jeffy, Alice, Principal Jenkins, plaztic zoldierz....does the nurse need to know everything that's been Up There?"Stealth

I'm six and I get more than you!Virtue

"Your mama so ugly, daddy draws her with a bag over his head!" Miss Connors always dreaded the day after "Def Comedy Jam."Bad Girl

So what is it? Chemo?Horselover Fat

"Heh, um, Capricorn, why do you ask?"Torc.

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