DFC #487

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"Don't even think about it, prick."K-Man

Sadly, Jeffy drew the black dot.Marty

Okay, the altar is almost finished...now will you please stop calling me Isaac?Les Miserables

"Don't give me that bullshit . . . who the Hell else were you throwing that at?"Hang Lose

"OK, Dolly and Mommy are getting the sacks ready. Do we get to do this every time Kittycat has kittens?"Hang Lose

Oh no, I think you won the Lottery.Mr. ?

"You know, I'm feeling 'straighter' already . . why don't you try beating the 'gay' out of me with some smaller rocks first?"Hang Lose

Yeah, Dad, this is great! Really great! And when we get home and show Mom how much "rock we scored", gettin' our dicks ripped out through our throats is gonna be great, too. Feeb.zen

"No, I do't wanna have a goddamn snowball fight! We've been exiled, you goon! Go club a seal or something!"agtorange

"Yeah, a stone's throw. I get it Dad, really. You're a fucking card, you are."Torc.

Yeah, this is the best Saturday afternoon yet. Can we change your visitation rights to no days a week?Coalcracker

I think you lied to me, Dad. You told me we were going to see the Monsters of Rock tour!Elkman

Stow away on the Mars Pathfinder Probe, you said. It'll be fun, you said.Nethicus

"I'm sure Mommy just moved the car a bit further. She's probably right around the hill."Torc.

So if you had won the bet, Johnny Hart would be sweeping up dotted lines?megafrim

Yeah, I know I said you could sell anything on eBay, but...megafrim

"Well, considering what I thought would happen, I'd say we're pretty lucky to be stuck in Purgatory for a few thousand years."maf

Remember, a windshield is worth 5 points and an open sunroof is 10 points. Ready?Kevy

"We're just easing Grampa's sufferin' you say ... No way the cops will pin it on us, you say... First-time offenders, no way we get hard time, you say ... Nice work, dumbass!"Lt. Dan

"No, I don't think it's that hot, just leave your clothes on."maf

"This altar is gonna take weeks to build. Why can't we just convert to Scientology?"Sean Q

In Bil's ghastly remake of Fantastic Voyage, the shrunken team battles Thel's yeast infection.Dave Matthews

"Jeez, thirty years of hard labor on the chain gang. Were we really that annoying to the rest of the world?"scoob

This is the way the world ends/ This is the way the world ends/ This is the way the world ends/ Not with a bang but with an annoying, high-pitched, nasal wheezing." T. S. Eliot, The Worstland'zoid

"Dad? Y'know all the times I said 'maybe if you were the last man on earth'? Well, you can still forget about it."'zoid

"I'll love him and hug him and call him George!"Lots42@aol.com

"Dad's idea of catch was no damn fun at all." Keane MemoriesLots42@aol.com

"Tell you what. Let's prove Einstein wrong and fight World War IV with wedgies and noogies instead."Ken

"Where the hell are we? First we're wandering a green prairie with Lilliputian trees, now we're collecting igneous samples. Quit sniffing the India ink bottle, is what I'm saying."Tonton Macoute

Even with the commercial availability of defoliants such as Agent Orange, creating a Featureless Void still requires heavy manual labor. Rocks must be carried out of the circle by hand before we can bring in the steamrollers and heavy-duty erasers. -- Bil Keane, The Family RingmasterKen

"Ever notice that one, you know, always hangs a little lower?"Stan Xhiao

"Well, Dad, sometimes you just have to pick up the pieces and get on with your life, although this time you really blew the shit out of the house."Stan Xhiao

Jeffy and Bil had been sentenced to the vast Retsin mines for their crimes against CertsBob Scott

"BACK OFF ! I SAID BACK OFF! FUCKER! Sneakin up on me like that..hey... what are you doin with those rocks?george of the jungle

You're really screwing us for gifts again this year, aren't you?Blogan

"Ya know, this campfire thing would probably work much better if you'd had the sense to draw some fuckin' wood!"Magikaldragon

"...seven thousand nine hundred eighty three, seven thousand nine hundred eighty four...Space Mutant

Look, here's a tip: the next time someone at the Employment Bureau asks "Have you ever worked with anything high-tech?" just smile and nod, all right?Rotter

"But doesn't displacement of rocks and silt occur naturally?"Bob Scott

...so we let PJ cast the first stone, see? Then we're okay, since only the first one's gotta be sin-free.Lucifer Antichrist

Lost temples all over the world, filled with gold and jewels. You take me on a raid of Mortah, God of Cement.Slibs

Dad, I just wanted to let you know... You're one sick fucker.rudy

You really need to learn how to draw Easter eggs...Les Miserables

"You'll see. These Pet Rocks will be much happier when they've been returned to their natural habitat." While Bil admired Jeffy's passion, he wondered if there was really a need for mineral-rights activists.'zoid

It seems to happen to every rock quartet. Somebody always wants to make it as a solo act.'zoid

Well, this is certainly an improvement over last year - now that you've managed to talk ol' Ms. Tightwad into springing the extra buck a box for the clumping litter.rudy

"Just askin'... Can you draw a rock so big even you couldn't crawl out from under it?"'zoid

"Annie Anthracite...Larry Limestone... I don't care how cute the names are, I really don't think 'Stoney Babies' are going to fill the void."'zoid

"Don't tell me this one's yours, too! *sigh* Mine's gotta be out here somewhere..."'zoid

"Just a couple more an' we should be ready. Is it just me, or does it seem like Kristallnacht rolls around earlier every year?"'zoid

"I'll remember this 'quality time' when I put you in a nursing home."El Caballero

"Don't get me wrong. I loved kicking the shit out of those snowmen, but I still don't understand why we had to tear out their icy hearts."ddsteven

"Don't beat yourself up about it. I thought they meant 'penile colony' too."Mycroft

"You know you're cheap when you don't even buy a tombstone for Thel!"Bob Scott

"I learned an important lesson that day: even the most sissified, limp-wristed, four-eyed cartoonist can hurl a rock with suprising force and accuracy when his target's only two feet away." -- From Ouch!, the Jeffy Keane StoryWestur the Unspeakable

"Dad, can't you just go back to using the belt again? Dragging Dolly out here for a `stoning' is a little bit harsh, and besides I think that last one to the head made sure she'll never be able to spill a jar of india ink ever again...."Mek (Melaniek73)

"...and if you say 'Someday this will all be yours' one more time, I'm gonna have to beat you to death."ItsClaude!

"Didn't Billy get arrested the last time you took him out 'Bowling for Lawn Gnomes'?"Hang Lose

"I guess that was a genie, 'cause I wished for matching outfits, one ton of crack, and OOOOH! Here comes Brad Pitt with his shirt off!"Hang Lose

I don't think it matters how many of these we place around Billy; no coroner will ever believe he exploded passing a kidney stone.Slibs

"Do I at least get a blindfold?"Bob Scott

So what's the big deal? I mean, the other three are still intact, and besides, who gives a shit about Teddy Roosevelt anyway?Gen. Sedgwick

After 40 days in the wilderness, Jeffy was tempted by the Devil, who offered plenteous Hostess SnoBalls.Stan Xhiao

"Must you relentlessly mock everything I do?"agtorange

"The rules aren't that difficult, Bil. Rock vs. rock is a draw! You need paper to win, not more rocks!"'zoid

"God sends us these rocks when Granpa passes a gall-stone in Heaven!"LuvBJones

"Hell yes, I'm keeping it. It shows me more affection than you ever did."'zoid

"I'd move faster if I was you. Those elephants are going to be pissed once the tranquilizers wear off."deX!

"I don't know, Alvin-ball or something. All I know is, it's going to be a long time before him and that stupid tiger play in our yard again."Stiles

"Disturbing the sacred cairns, yadda yadda, eternal curse, I don't give a fuck. Like a curse can be anything other than an improvement at this point."'zoid

"Dammit, play right! Goliath doesn't get any rocks!"'zoid

Let's just face it: Yes, it's 1999. But I'm no Martin Landau, and you're sure as hell no Barbara Bain.Gaijin Marty

Give it up. I can't think of one cute mispronunciation for "intifadeh."Gen. Sedgwick

Songs by The Police that somehow relate to this caption: Walking on the Moon, King of Pain, and, of course, Don't Stand So Close To MeFeh

"The restraining order says fifty feet, so just hang-glide higher than that."Torc.

Maybe there aren't any unpardonable sins, but only you could get us banished to Pluto.Namgubed the Merry Elf

Ok I'll stick with you for a while...but if there ARE cloaked mutanted survivors I'm with them. Understand?The EXXXorcist

"Well goddamn, another Starbucks. We just passed one."'zoid

"I wish we'd never bought Mommy that rock polisher."'zoid

"I'm telling you, moving the cast to outer space absolutely killed Josie and the Pussycats. Can we go home now?"Helder

"Fuck foraging. I'm gonna kill something."agtorange

Still not a pillar of salt yet? Damn!RMD[attempting to salvage 'zoid]

"Point? No, there's really no point to it at all. I just like fucking with Sisyphus."me, myself, I

"Buy the damn disk, Bil. Playing SimCity in meat-space just doesn't work."'zoid

"For the last time, NO! I'm not wearing the damn thong bikini and that's that!"BA (with a nod to Hang Lose, and fixing my own typos )

"Don't look so down, Dad, I thought there'd be more to loot here in Turkey too."Leth

"This isn't much to barter with, is it? I told you 'Y2K Compliant' wasn't a sexual preference."'zoid

"Back in 1962, John and I were approached by two Yanks, a really bizarre father/son combo. They said they wanted to join the Quarrymen, and were willing to supply their own rocks. We tried to explain that we were musicians, but I don't think it ever quite sank in. Anyway, I found them intensely disturbing, but John hung out with them for a fortnight or so. I'm convinced that that's where he had his first experience with drugs." Paul McCartney, Beatle Memories'zoid

"And now we have to walk . . that horse may not have had a name, but that still didn't give you the right to . . . *shudder* . . . you make me sick.Hang Lose

It was my crowning moment. I was beaming a Bil Keane educational short on erosion up to the satellite whan that damned Frank gnawed through the plug of the projector. -- Clayton Forrester, It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad ScientistKen

"Y'know Bil, this is the sort of place you might be expected to draw a cactus, rather than on every fucking windowsill in Phoenix."'zoid

Dolly's gonna be pissed with our raiding her crack supply.Malthus

Does Billy know that he's been chosen be St. Stephen in the Christmas pageant?Carlos the Jackal

"Hey, Dad, your fly is up."Heath

"We'll bury PJ, then say a bear got him. Yep, your dark secret is safe with me. No one need ever know what really happened. Except us. Stop looking at me like that."El Caballero

"How many more Halloweens do we have to go through before that Brown kid gets the hint?"Torc.

"Can God make a rock so big that he can't even lift it?" "I'd have to draw it with a different pen, but sure, it's possible."Elkman

"OK, I think in this case a pennant wouldn't have killed us cos I have no friggin' idea where we are."ItsClaude!

Well, c'mon, let's get going. Them campers ain't gonna drive themselves crazy, y'kow.Der Karpfen

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