DFC #488

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"Our agreement was only perfectly round, unbroken wafers. Now get your ass in here and see what I found!"Stan Xhiao

"The cookie said 'Eat Me' and now look what happened!"Stan Xhiao

"Mom, PJ took all of the - shit, he's lookin' at my hair again, Mom!"The Mad Kobold

"Diaphragms? Cervical caps? All hidden away, all these years? God DAMN you! I could have been spared this hellish existance if not for your Victorian prudery!"agtorange

"Umf ... can't... get...ungh...cookie..to...mouth...ungk! Damn these arms!"agtorange

"I dunno, they just taste better when I fish them outta the urinal myself."Sean Q

Here we see PJ and Jeffy modelling *the* in shoe for fall: the Pat Boone White Vinyl Buc, perfect for work or play, at home on a yacht deck or in the kitchen. $583 from Donatella VersaceChristian Dior

"You think that's good? Well my brother here can stuff fifteen 'nilla wafers in his ass."Sean Q

"Gordon Liddy brand vanilla wafers? Where do you come up with this shit?"Stan Xhiao

"Hold on, Peej. Heeeeere, Kittycat!! Where's King Jeffy's little food taster?!?"Sean Q

"My god, look at her run. I swear that woman could hear crumbs fall on a rifle range."'zoid

"HEY MOMMY! The expiration date on these is March, 1972. Before I eat this, what year are we in these days?"'zoid

Much as he wanted the cookies, Jeffy's stirring version of Danny Boy always made P.J. lose his appetite.Sean Q

It's all rigged, Mom! This'll be our best product-related wrongful death suit yet!megafrim

"Fuck Y2K, we're ready!"Stan Xhiao

"All right, who's next for the holy sacrament?"Stan Xhiao

"Hot damn, my first tithe! The Church of Jeffy is off and rolling!"'zoid

When Mom and Dad walked in, that's when we knew we'd been set up. We'd had enough; those little spectral bitches had a date with a vacuum cleaner.Pete B.

"Mom! PJ's being a cookie pimp!"deX!

"Well, at least something in our house is vanilla!"Torc.

"Mom, we've been tossing these for over an hour and we're still not as thin as you!"Torc.

Call the folks from the Institute! PJ's asexually reproducing again!Coalcracker

"Vanilla wafers again? Y'know Bil, drawing the occasional chocolate chip would not ruin your Aryan credentials."'zoid

"Well, that really depends on your definition of 'cookie', doesn't it?"Westur the Unspeakable

"Hmmm... Looks like a 65-yarder, with a dogleg to the left. Hand me a #4 cookie, will you?"'zoid (salvaging Ken)

Funny, thought PJ, gazing at Jeffy's head, all I want now are oatmeal cookies.'zoid

"He was...um...hyperventilating, y'see? So we, ah, had to empty a paper bag to save his life... You're not buying this, are you?"'zoid

Vell, vell, vell. I am looking at bottom of bag of cookies, yet I am not seeing the microfilm. Perhaps your mind vhas distracted by the uncertianty of vhether or not my associate vhould rheally kill your daughter if vhe didn't get those defense plans. Allow me to ease your puzzlement. Viktor! Nerushmi svodnoyaya!Rotter

Well, Gramma, we have three kinds: insect-infested, stored next to leaky containers of household cleaners, and months-beyond-stale. Oh, wait, we're all out of months-beyond-stale. Insects, then?Rotter

"Hrkk...achkk...uckk...." POP "Gaaaahhhh....ok, that's seven whole ones. Hrkk..."The Dork Wanderer

...and who, in God's name, are the Keebler Succubi?megafrim

Bil summoned PJ and Jeffy, and placed a bag of vanilla wafers in front of them. "Each of you shall take as many vanilla wafers as you are able to carry." PJ reached into the bag first, and scooped out a double-armful of wafers, so many that he was barely enough to hold them all at once. Then Jeffy reached into the bag. There was only one wafer left. He held it up and said "Bil, there is only one cookie left!" Bil replied "Then you should kick the shit out of your brother." At that moment, Jeffy was Enlightened.The Dork Wanderer

Uh . . . Peej? Have Bil and Thel ever had cookies in the house before? Much less stored in an unlocked ground-level cabinet? Ah, my legs suddenly feel really cold . . .Stefan Jones

"White people! Soylent vanilla wafers are white people!"'zoid

"Christ, what are these things? Some kind of WASP matzoh?"'zoid

"Okay, gimme another one. This time, over Thel, around the pile of laundry, three skips across the toilet, nothin but Dolly's forehead."Spectre

I don't care if I do have an insufficient mastery of analingus, Daddy! I still deserve more than one fucking cookie!Sordid-1

Mommy! PJ's hoarding all the Jesus!-Black Cupid

"Suuuuu-EEEEE! Here Dolly Dolly Dolly!"Paul T. Riddell

One of my fondest memories as a child was dividing up that big sack of clams. Boy In The Bubble: The Geoffrey Keane StoryPodbeing (going back...)

'Nilla Oysters?! Will you stop shopping at the damned dollar stores for groceries?!Jenn Dolari

"What a sec, PJ. It looks like Mommy's stopped binging .... RUN!!!!"maf

Great Gawd Almighty! Lookit Peej, they finally tossed Beetle Bailey outa the army and he's going postal in Mary Worth!Stefan Jones

"I know SOS pads aren't food, but this is the most regular I've been since the Nixon administration!"Torc.

Wait a sec.... one of the C-4s is missing. Dolly!Mr. ?

"It's working! The oysters see PJ as an irritant! I'll show you fools a pearl necklace!"agtorange (Yes? Maybe?)

Can somebody get Legal on the phone? If I call 'em 'nilla wafers but don't use the trademark symbol, is it just a mispronunciation, or am I violating our promo deal with Dandie Treatz?'zoid

Upon stealing the wafers, P.J.'s halo slowly started to float away.Hos

Mom, it's time to scrape PJ again! The barnacles are growing back!Captain Pedantic

Hey, "Cool Hand" Bil, we're outta eggs! Will 'nilla wafers do?Lucifer Antichrist

"...for a while Bil had us do "Culture Weeks" in which we would work under one culture however this was canceled after that time when Jeffy squealed on P.J. during "Middle East Week" from "Why Keanes Have 8 Fingers" by William Keane IIThe EXXXorcist

"Ja, now I haff der krispische gölden Hoard gefounden, und must slay der dwarfische Guardian! Wötan, guide meine Hand!" The aria of the godling Jeffnir, from Wagner's Ring of the Nibbling'zoid

"Waitaminnit! You're fattening us for Thanksgiving, aren't you?"Heath

"Not healthy? Not HEALTHY? This from a woman who thinks MOLD is a vegetable!?!"Westur the Unspeakable (self salvaging)

"Yeah Mom, the mice got into the cookies, but they're not as tasty."Torc.

He's got a saber. Just great. Last time I choose you as my second.Gen. Sedgwick

Long supressed art from The Nabisconomicon.Slibs

It's not fair! Dolly gets to go to School Supplies, while I'm stuck here with PJ in Scary House!Coalcracker (self-salvaging, and we all know how painful that can be)

"Vanilla wafers! Forty fucking years of vanilla wafers! For the love of God, please, please let us age! I want to eat granola, I want to drink martinis and drive drunk. I want to use the regular height urinals. For the love of God, let us grow up!Lucifer Antichrist

I would forever regret asking grandma for a glass of milk. Who knew the old crone was still lactating? -- Jefferson Clinton Keane, Got Therapy?Helder

"No, I don't mind the stand-in for the tribble scene, but I'll be damned if I'm giving him my hairpiece for the shoot."Ken

"He's coming 'round! Bring me another 'Nilla leach!"pathar

"Yo! B.C.! How many clams to do the Fat Broad?"Stealth

"...and PJ and I will not rest until we've found the real cookie thieves!"'zoid

"Not fair... I get one cookie, and P.J. gets all he can eat? ...I want Leukemia too!"...i'm going straight to hell for that one. SPOON.

"Damn it, I'm telling you there's nothing buried in this bag but more wafers! Get the Columbians on the phone now!"Torc. (salvaging Argyle)

"Hey Murray! Is one cookie out of eight close enough to 15%, or should I ask for fractions?" -- Trainee Jeffy forgets Agent's Rule #1: ALWAYS round up!'zoid

That wasn't the DEA at the door?! You mean we ate two bags of Mom's hash cookies for nothin- oooohhh.....the colors....Leth

"The rat's still moving. Gimme a Melba Toast this time, that should finish him!supernaut (still trying)

Ginger snaps. Black licorice whips. Vanilla wafers. Hard candy. Store-brand Lo-Cal ice milk. Grandma's idea of "fun food" really, really sucks.Stefan Jones

"Oh, GROSS! We've gotta eat on that table in a few hours, ya know!"Westur the Unspeakable

"Hey! Who put goddamned cookies where PJ could reach them? This is s'pposed to be the Drano and bleach cupboard!"Stan Xhiao

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