DFC #492

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)
Okay, fifteen percent.Bad Girl

"It's a utility belt, son. I'm not getting any younger, and someday that Batmobile will be yours."Tonton Macoute

"And someday, all this will be yours. This circle, I mean."Spectre

Cartoon drawing involves a lot of delusion, son. After a while, you really begin to believe you are the master of all of reality.Tonton Macoute

It surrounds us, it penetrates us, it binds the galaxy together. If you follow me to my bedroom, you too can learn the ways of the Circle.Schol-R-LEA

"Well, since it's our last day together, I think you should be told: You were adopted. But then we killed them and took you back, 'cause I needed cheap labor while I went on vacation."Heath

HEY! Do you MIND?!? Occupado, pal!Doc Evil

"Kid, I just want to know what the fuck it is you do to make that hair stick up in back."the scottish valkyrie

Well, when two people love each other very much -- or when one of them has passed out....Bad Girl

"When you can snatch the pebble from...Hey! Give that back!"agtorange

It's okay, Billy, show me your hands...see, I have hair on mine too!Les Miserables

"My son. The fruit of my loins. Such potential, such talent, such...soft, fair skin..."Torc.

I guess it's because my arms are too short to fist myself.Horselover Fat

"The kids at school may be laughing at you now, but when they realize how convenient it is, they'll cut holes in the seats of their pants too.... see how quickly I was able to take a dump?"Mek

...then God told me that I must sacrifice you...now you don't want to piss off God, do you?Les Miserables

We were going to stage an intervention to confront you about your drinking later, but I'm going to the nudie bar instead. Wanna come with?agm

"Billy, after I'm gone, you 'll have to get used to spending a lot more time in the barrel. That's just how life is."semillama

"And then I . . . Jesus Christ. You tucked your shirt into your underwear again, didn't you."Pete B.

"Billy, you have to understand, when I tell Dolly she's always been my favorite, I'm just blowing smoke up her ass. When I tell Jeffy he's always been my favorite, well, a dad's supposed to make his kids feel important, and sometimes it's a little true, I suppose. P.J. -- well, whatever -- but when I tell YOU you've always been my favorite, it's only because it helps you choke down my wad a little easier."authorized caption

Well, they call you a dork because you look like a dork. Duh!Bad Girl

"So you see, son, that's why you'll never see Connie Chung naked."Bob Scott

And that's how Martha Washingtons' urethra singlehandedly won the Tunisian Civil Wars. Isn't home schooling fun?Jenn "And for the rest of her life, Jenn got up before dawn, and watched the DFC rise" Dolari

Whadayamean featureless void? Just look at the detail in your...what is that...sweater?Jenn "And for the rest of her life, Jenn got up before dawn, and watched the DFC rise" Dolari

"You know, Billy, this may be the last chance I get to say this ... I never really liked you, and you're a disappointment to us all."Riff

"So you see, son, thanks to a lifetime of untreated V.D., assraping you really does hurt me more than it does you."BA

"And then God gave white men dominion over the earth..." - and thus Whitebreadedness was passed from father to son.BA

"Y'see, Billy, when a man loves a woman very much, he can't help but smack the bitch around when she gets out of line. All Daddy's do it, son. I mean, Christ, have you been to the Van Pelts'?"anoing

Knowing that any complaints would result in a beating, Billy just stood there as his father fanned beer belches into his face.Mr Chris

"No allowance this week, Billy. Daddy had to spend it on scotch, so he could forget about what a miserable loser his son is for a little while."Hang Lose

Okay, a tuffet is sort of an ottoman, and curds and whey are like runny cottage cheese. Now will you PLEASE put on the spider costume?Kal

"Alright, cough up my cock ring or I'm going in after it."Helder (feeling dirty)

"When I was your age, we didn't didn't have this Inner-Net thing. We had to write our obscenities right on the comics page!"'zoid

"When I was your age... Actually, in some bizarre fashion you're really older than me, so forget it."'zoid

"Your plan to kill the other family members couldn't possibly work because, well, the police aren't ... um ... well, the evidence would obviously ... uh ... can you go over that part with the giant fish again?"Helder

"Featureless void this, featureless void that! Would you prefer a bright-red background with blinking text? Then shut up!"anon

"Want some 'fatherly advice?' Go fuck yourself. Now am-scray, kid."Valvoline 2x

"So the bee has this stinger, and... well, there's pollen involved, I guess... and the bird flies from the flower to the hive... oh, the hell with it, just stop by Dolly's room around eleven, and it'll all become clear."Sean Q (not captioning well under duress)

"Well, you see, when two men, a dominatrix, a dog, and seven chicken pot pies love each other very much...."Prof. Moriarity

"Dad was one sick motherf**ker. For a while he had me wear pretzel sticks in my pants so he could hear if anyone was 'poaching on his preserve.' Not that I didn't find other uses for them." - Billy Keane, 'Crumbs in my Shorts'Duke

"You were right to come to an adult you trust, Billy. Now, why don't you show me exactly what Roy made you do? Here, help me get my pants off. . . "Hang Lose

"And then she sneezed, and I was, like, elbow-deep."for(;;); (That caption actually appeared in a Hustler cartoon. Larry Flynt...W.R. Hearst...both gimps in their own way...)

Then the bee starts plying the flower with alcohol...Gen. Sedgwick

...because if anyone actually said they were backing up the archive and distributing it, they could get in trouble. Does this make any sense to you yet?Robbbbb

Well, you see, Billy, when a man and his syndicate love their intellectual property very much....Gaijin Marty

"No, it's not a shed and they're not made of wood, you little wise-ass. Who've you been hanging around with, anyway?"Stan "Dup Comedian" Xhiao

"Anyone can draw a circle, son. The trick to this business is ... finding a syndicate stupid enough to distribute your crap."Helder (salvaging Crazy Climber)

"You see, son, when a man and his hand love each other very much..."WithoutTaste.com

Bil's short-term memory problem turned 'guess which hand it's in' into an hours long marathon.El Caballero

"Well, yeah, 'intellectual' is stretching it quite a bit, but it's still my property, see?"'zoid

Guess which hand I have your insulin in! Wrong! HAHAHA! Try again!anon on purpose

..and that's when you cough.Jim

"...Plato and Aristotle did it. We can do it."Black Cupid

Listen you little bastard, I hid that watch up my ass for 5 years in Nam, Now it's your turn, get over it.Slappy

Anyway, like I was sayin', shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, sautee it. Dey's uh, shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwichpoewar

"That's Mistress Dad, worm."Hang Lose

"I tried drawing this inside a condom, but the editor had a freakin' conniption when he saw the rough draft."Helder

"OK so I wasn't in 'Nam. But it was during 'Nam."Matt Miller

Billy, how many times do I have to tell you? DON"T PUT SAND IN MY VASELINE!Evil Genius

"I may be old-fashioned, but in this family we date within our phylum, young man."Heath

"No, really--paper crushes the very life out of rock. Now gimme your hand!"Tom. Just Tom. (Thanks for the five years!)

"All I'll tell you is that it's called 'The Keane Curse.' And believe me, you're better off not knowing what it is until your wedding night, OK?"Rotter

"Well, I just caught 'Not Me' and ripped his fucking spectral head from his fucking spectral body. See? Now, who else has been showing Daddy's mail to the Scoutmaster?"'zoid

"Itchy again? Geez, how many times am I going to have to worm you kids?"Twisted Mentat

"Well, if I knew where babies come from, you wouldn't be here, now, would you?"Steve

"How about never? Is never good for you?"Stan Xhiao

"Look, I know you'd love to have a family of your own, but if I let you kids go through puberty it won't be nearly as heartwarming anymore, and your Daddy would get cancelled and die a broken, lonely man. You don't want Daddy to die, do you?"Pete B.

"Of course I respect your individuality, Jeffy."Heath

"Uh-uh. You smell mine first."Stan Xhiao

"...and so what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, according to Nietzsche. So give Daddy the negatives, and I'll let you get big & strong, k?"Leth

"Sorry, but that's how Thel explained it to me."Helder

"Hate is a pretty strong word, Billy. Let's just say I can't stand you, OK?"Lt. Dan

"Alright, son. You've had your fun. Give Daddy back his dignity."daddy still needs a caption

You don't need a tetanus shot. Just walk it off.Anastasia

"It'll be called Dysfunctional Captioners, and it'll make my website a fortune! Sedgewick's a drunken hack, Vice Pope Doug's a gutterslut, Heath's a primadonna, Helder and Stan Xhiao are siamese twins joined at the nipple..."Heath [I don't self-reference often, but...]

"Good boy! Good boy! Now give me the ball. Give me the ball. Give . . . no, don't swallow it, give me the ball."Pete B.

"Well, as it turned out, that guy didn't really have my nose. It was just a trick he did with his thumb. But I didn't know that at the time - so, fifty dollars later..."Rodney(soooooooo llllloooooooonnnnggg)

"Whaddaya mean featureless? There's an ottoman in it, isn't there?"Nyder

Look... I DON'T HAVE YOUR NOSE! Now get out of here!hippie

Okay, son, daddy really needs his suppositories back...Shen Yingming

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