DFC #493

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

This is the wierdest set of Russian nesting dolls I've ever seen.Ro

"Sorry, kids, Santa won't be stopping here this year. Seems that in my zeal to protect the ol' family trademark I inadvertently lost our entire under-85 demographic."Stan Xhiao

So it'll be a menage a`.... um.. trois, quartre, cinq,..How the fuck do you say '6' in French?'agm

"Sure it sucked waiting in line, but that bit of reguritated ham sandwich was the first warm meal we had had in weeks." -- from Circle of Hell, the Memoirs of Billy KeaneThe Short Bus Driver

"Um, and...the banks are closed early on friday, and I think I ran outta checks..." --the DFC Players line up for their severance checks and pink slipsTwomp

"PJ, you were brought by the stork. Jeffy, you were in a cabbage patch. Dolly, we smuggled you through Customs by blowing the guards. Billy, we got you on eBay, and cheap too, I might add. Barfy, you were Cesarian." Crazy Climber

"Uhhh... Bogan... ummm... Daria... eehhh... B.J. and Jerome? Oh, fuck it, I give up, what the hell are your names?"K-Man

And then Barfy bit the live electrical wire and it was the happiest, warmest, fireyest Christmas ever!Mr. ?


"...and a choo-choo...and a pony...no? OK, the first person to tell me where Mommy hid my cigarettes gets a week of solo panels..."Torc.

P.J. hadn't heard the "When I was a lad" story before. Jeffy was bored. Dolly counted the uh's. Billy repeated dipshit over and over to himself. And Barfy-- Barfy just thought about last night.Horselover Fat

"In an effort to be fair, your mother and I decided to split up visitation rights into even and odd hours."Torc.

No, no, kids, you've got the order all wrong -- I don't love any of you.Coalcracker

'...Sneezy, Dopey...um,..Bashful...Rudolph? No, wait! Damn, this IS hard. How DID you do it, Dolly?'agm

Because I loved her. Well, because I thought I loved her. Actuallyl, I was coming off of a bad relationship with -- but that wouldn't have worked out anyways. Basically, I didn't find out I was gay until after I'd married your mother.Bad Girl

"I don't know how to break this to you kids, but from now on I'll have to draw you without any genitals."semillama

We hadn't meant to take turns pissing on the drunk bastard's shoes, but he had us lined up and was boring the shit out of us when PJ's improvisational genius took over. God, I loved working with him. -- Dolly, MemoirsPete B. (And I even remember Felix W.'s first Dolly, Memoirs strip. I swear, this is one big nostalgia trip . . .

Blah blah stick together blah blah can't stop us as a team blah blah family sprit blah blah fuckin' blah, thought Jeffy. Screw you people. King Features is giving a hell of a reward to the first person who squeals, and Jeffy needs a new pair of shoes.Pete B.

"We can only afford to keep four of you, and Barfy here has seniority, so..."Heath

"... Mary, pregnant; Joseph, trusted in Holy Spirit; census, Bethlehem, no room at the inn, popped 'im out in the middle of barn animals; Star, angels, shepherds, Wise Guys, gold, frankencense, myrrh. Lived, taught, crucified; people still give a rat's ass. OK, so there's your fuckin' Christmas story, now go pour me a drink!"authorized caption

They're all in a line. Now what's the command to make Barfy play "The Bells of St. Mary's" off their skulls?Nethicus

"Ho, ho, ho, ho. And Barfy."rudy (ripping self off from months ago)

Jeffy squirmed uncomfortably. What the... but that's Dolly behind me...Tonton Macoute

Well, first there was the insurance policy. Plus she couldn't cook worth shit -- oh, and she was a lousy lay. C'mon -- what would you have done?Bad Girl

While most other parents took the time to explain sex to their children, only Bil Keane bothered to explain foreplay.Helder

"No wait, I think it was seven lords a-leaping, 'cause the ten pipers threw an after-Christmas party, and I definitely remember getting blown more often than I got jumped."Helder

"OK, I'll take two lap dances, three gang bangs, and one 'walk the dog.'"Helder

"Well, I want a Porsche, an' a private jet, an' a luxury box for the Suns games, an' a DVD player! But I don't expect anyone to fuckin' hand 'em to me on a platter just cause some old Jew knocked up his teenage girlfriend 2,000 years ago!"'zoid

"Lessee, there was Silly Philly, and then there was Channel Chuckles, and then I needed some money and there was Big Pete's Prison Gang-Bang, and then there was The Family Circus . . . "Hang Lose

"Booze, booze, broken rubber, booze. Happy now?"Hang Lose

"So's I break the bottle against the bar, and I go, 'Hey tough guy, you want a fuckin' piece of this?' and he runs up, all like, 'Bring it on, Bitch!', so's I grab him by his little fuckin' goombah neck, an' . . . "Hang Lose

"All right, kids, I hate to say this, but it's time to clear out the Difficult Zone. Thel's already dealing with Soylent and polish, so Barfy, you take dog-cooking and psychic ferns; Billy, you take care of the poop, the peener and A Clockwork Orange; Dolly, you can do the lesbian innuendoes and The Lottery; Jeffy can take hypno-hair, nutsaks, "good on you mate," and Murray; PJ gets to do Marfan syndrome and the Oing, and I'll take, let's see, Edvard Munch rip-offs, references to Nair, and limp-wristed fag jokes. Once you've got them, put them in airtight containers and leave them in the dumpster next to Uncle Roy."Nyder (oh, *please* use the yellow-zone one about the pyschic fern's time coming! I laughed out loud!)

It's sad, drunken Shadow Animals day at the Keanes.zen

"And the Angel of the Lord came upon them..." [shudder] Sorry, that part always gives me the most delicious goosebumps...Gen. Sedgwick (shameless to the bitter end)

Bil cut off his lecture as he noticed their heads perfectly lined up. He kneed PJ in the chin and the resulting clack-clack-clack-clack-yipe! sound was one he treasured for years afterward.Seamus

After slamming a gallon of eggnog, Dad had a game that combined projectile vomiting with Skee-Ball. Our then-nameless dog seemed to enjoy working the 50-point positionDiggit (sneaking in one last caption)

"PJ, you're getting a bag of shredded newspaper. Jeffy's getting a roll of pennies, Dolly, I'm giving you my navel lint collection, Billy, you're getting a ream of copier paper. Barfy gets a three-story air-conditioned dog house complete with jacuzzi and gold-plated bowl! Let's go out back and take a look! C'mon, boy!"Seamus

Hah! Scissors smash... no, wait, I'll get it...Gen. Sedgwick

Phssh, thought Jeffy. The vomit'll totally miss me.for(;;);

"So if there are four of you, and there are eight chocolates, then.... umm.... twelve minus seven.... Ah, just fight for em'."Magus

Jesus, Dolly thought, couldn't he just buy a fuckin' stepladder?Thomas Wilde

Christmas is the one time of year when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.poewar

...and therefore, I shall from this time forward be addressed as Lord son of Satan...Les Miserables (also known as R.J.M., proud submitter since panel 215)

Right, Jeffy you grab the Christmas presents. Dolly, you grab the porno from the bedrooms. Billy, you grab all the panties you can find. PJ, urinate on anything we don't want. Barfy, well just do what you do best. Move it people, we've only have an hourYakko

The cover from the rare The Family Circus Yodels Your Favorite Carols album. Total sales before the ASCPA seizure: 23.Peon

"PJ's deadweight, Jeffy's a malcontent, Dolly's a shrew, and Billy's after my job. Barfy, however, brings the ball back every single time I throw it. That's why he gets the biggest allowance.'zoid

"They called it an 'electrical out-let' or some such hoosefudge. Claimed it could pump fire straight into that glass candle somehow--in any case, I thought I'd draw one. Can't hurt to keep up on the new trends now, can it?"Tom. Just Tom. (Thanks for the five years!)

"... 135 counts of child molestation, 76 counts of child endangerment, 19 counts of child abuse, 1 violation of the leash law -- and the principal says that if he ever catches you student-teaching the sex-ed class again, he's calling the cops."Helder (self-salvaging)

Most of the kids loved Dad's spoken-word concerts, but Barfy dreaded the stage diving that inevitably followed.phil

"Ahem! Ahem! I don't see a Jack Daniels in my hand. Santa is watching you! Ahem! Ahem!"Heath

o/` D'oh: I drew proportions wrong. Roy: a golden shower drop. Me: what Jeffy's thinking of. Fag: a log that's not to chop. Slut: a mom who gives you head. Dog: Your next meal, don't you know? T: and A I'll draw on Thel. Which will bring us back to D'oh! o/`Ken (idea by SeanQ)

"And I haven't told you the best part of the settlement. Starting Monday, there will be a second Bil Keane panel on the comics page: a little reader participation job I'm calling The Dysfunctional Nipple."Ken

"I kept saying 'No' to drugs but they just wouldn't listen."Stan Xhiao

And with a great effort, Bil had at last passed his stone. Another great, shared-family moment.Monkey Punch

What happened to the tree and the presents? It's a funny story kids. - 1958 Family Circus poster for Gambler's Anonymous.Anastasia

As the end draws near, the Antichrist summons the Hound of Hell and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Pustulence, Whore, Sexual Famine and Bad Breath.Nyder

Other cartoonists draw lightbulbs over characters' heads when they get an idea, thought Barfy, but oh no, not Mr Creative here...Nyder

"The end times are upon us! The millennium is nigh! Death is our only escape!" The kids smiled. This was going to be the bestest Christmas ever!Pete

"And this is sign-language for 'Give me your wallet and bend over, you deaf fuck.'"Heath

"... milk 'n cookies for Santa, waiting up all night, unwrapping the presents on Christmas morning, playing with the boxes instead of the contents -- it's all been done before. Let's try something different this year -- everyone get undressed."Helder

O.K. kids, just stand there real still while I get a 2x4, 5 bricks, and Jeffy's BMX bike...Hos

The children and Barfy waited in line with varying degrees of patience. All of them wanted a turn on the new Date with Richard Simmons virtual reality program.Ken

'...dryer lint, shoelaces, football, pretzels, string. Let's see... what ELSE does Daddy love more than any of you?...'agm

Stumpy, Ennui, Easy, PipeHead, and Dog. Where's Spoogeful and...and...the other one? -- From He Never Even Remembered My Name, the Bitch., Roy Washington, Stonewall Press, 1999zen

"Aaaaagh! They're coming for me! Oh my God they're coming for me!"Darren

Luckily, none of us kids could recognize the early warning signs of a heart attack. "Life Insurance: It's Not For The People Who Die, It's For Me" by Jeffy KeaneLt. Dan

...Donder and Blitzen, and the three Wise Men were, of course, Johnny Walker, Jack Daniels, and Adolf Coors. Any more religious questions, wise ass?ARGYLE

Christmas in the slammer was always my favorite time of year...the trunchens decorated like candy canes...no presents to buy for you losers... and the mistletoe, ah, the mistletoe...ARGYLE

And so Dad divided up his empire. Dolly got the international opium-smuggling network. Billy wound up with the seat on the Illuminati Council of Eight. PJ became U.S. ambassador to Madagascar. And me? I got the stupid friggin' cartoon strip!" -- From Circle of Power, Circle of Shame by Jeffey Keane-GuiswhiteCoalcracker

"Look, one of you keeps chewing up my slippers and urinating on the Christmas tree. I think I've narrowed it down to Jeffy or Dolly."Torc.

"Yes kids, you have to kiss under the mistletoe no matter where I hang it."Torc.

"No, we're not exactly crackers. We're more like honkies."Heath

"Now, I thought I loved your Mommy... But it turns out, 'Daddy's cap is on backwards,' so to speak."Black Cupid

"I caught Watterson with an underage prostitute. With Breathed it was drugs, planted of course, but he caved anyway. Larson had a thing for farm animals, surprise surprise... Almost got Trudeau on a treason rap, but it was a bluff and he called it. Never turned up a goddam thing on Schulz, but I'm still digging."'zoid

"Well, we've had 15 Christmases, 10 Thanksgivings, and ... um ... 22 Easters since PJ was born, so that makes me ... no, that can't be right."Helder

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