DFC #497

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

It wasn't until a Jeffy sized dent appeared in the door that Thel became concerned.Tuxedo Bill

"Daddy's running around the house naked again! Save us!"Bender

Very good... now bring her to me.hippie

Not only was Bil the most gawd-awful lover you can imagine, I had literally no other outlet to release that sexual tension. I couldn't even masturbate in the shower without one of my dumbass offspring freaking out over all the moaning and rushing to Mommy's rescue. And with four of them running around, Mr. "Birth Control Is The Spawn Of Satan" had assured me at least one would always be around to perform digitus interruptus. -- Thel, MemoirsPete B.

Dear Mr. Keane. As you can see, we have drawn a shower door for this cartoon. We regret to inform you that the original had been blown up and tacked on every wall of our staff. Thank you again. Sincerely, Cowles Editorial staff.Mr. ?

Aaahh, it's fake. Look, the waist is normal sized! Next.Lots42@aol.com

It always happens like that, Thel thought, you finish slitting one wrist when there's a knock on the door.Torc.

Ugh, thought Thel, I wish they'd stop calling me that.K-Man

"Dammit," Thel pouted. "Don't they know I'm not open 'til 10?" Crazy Climber

Hearing that same voice, those same commands, Thel was lost in memories of her wedding night.-Mr. Death

Goddamnit, it can't end just as Thel is about to show us her other new haircut!Yakko

One more step, thought Thel. One more step, and those little spank monkeys at the DFC will get what they've been clamoring for all these years. One more step, and everybody who ever cracked a "mono-boob" joke will swallow his tongue when he sees how perfect both of 'em really are. One more step, and these dipshits finally understand the upside of drawing the mother of your four young children as a nubile young sexpot year after year. One more step . . . nah. Fuck 'em.Pete B., old-school captioneer, salvaging himself, K-Man, Twomp . . . and why is there even a yellow zone any more? Where are you planning on archiving the "Green" ones to anyway, Greg?

"Well, compared to that gangsta rap, that's downright calming," Thel thought as she returned to the shower, let the blistering water cleanse her still-supple skin, through back her head and let the steam waft about her sweat-beaded face as she imagined the upcoming meeting for Klan wives and that dreamy Agnes Klingfelt -- there was some cushion ripe for pushin,' she reflected, unconsciously flicking her nipples with her fingers, not even registering the decibel-level of the cacophony rising -- or the sirens roaring down the street.authorized caption

After a cleansing, hour-long shower, Thel opened the door to hear the shrieks of her melonheaded spawn. All of a sudden she felt dirty again.Coalcracker

Thel regretted having shown the children "The Wizard of OZ". Anytime Thel went near water, they were convinced she would melt.Jackie

It was the red "mommy" that really caught Thel's attention.Jackie

Does anyone else worry when they see children freak out over a shower? Kind of makes you question how often showering occurs at the Keane abode.Jackie

It never fails. The moment you step into the shower, the kids want to be let out of their trunks.megafrim

Like simple insects, the Keane drones were rendered mindless in panic without the leadership of their Queen.Kal

"We know you're in there! Come out with your hands up!" Thel reached for her Luger....Bad Girl

Goddamnit, Bil, Thel steamed, Your mother is in the downstairs shower, you sex-crazed fuck.Stan Xhiao

Oh dear.....did I forget to give the kids their Ritalin again?RMD [what did you expect on such short notice!]

The local firemen put a fifty through the doggy door, and the kids would call 911 at an "opportune" time.NME--

Today, the role of Thel Keane will be played by Patrick Duffy.LuvBJones

Thel gazed lustily at the twisting doorknob and inched closer in anticipation.El Caballero

"No, dammit! Scream 'Bitch Goddess! We worhsip you!' You're ruining it for me!!"Pete

If we all pray real, real hard, maybe Frank Cho will draw a panel just like this.Pete

Thel sighed. Another weekend in Narnia's Lesbian Strap-On Spa brought to a sudden end.Pete

Bil tried to give the gag new life. Thel was carrying the sheet of plate glass into the chase scene naked!Bad Girl

The bottom one is obviously Dolly because of its red color. The one with the question mark is an unself-assured Billy. The next one is Jeffy, always insisting on standing out. And on top? Must be Ronald Reagan wandering into the wrong house again.Ken

Sunovabitch, thought Thel. Last time I let Dennis Hopper and his nitrous tank over for tea.Nethicus (Heiniken? Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!)

Thel didn't mind the harsh lighting, the boom microphone, the union crew or even the live Webcam. But dammit all, she hated taking direction!Coalcracker (self-salvaging, and we all know how painful that can be)

The kids never should have tried to make....The Killer Popcorn!!!Podbeing (I know it's stupid, so what?)

Tonight on Family Circus After Dark...Helder

"Can it wait five minutes? I was about to wash off all your father's slobber."Helder

"Be patient! You know I'm unclean for two more days."Ken

They all want me. Damn I'm hot!Mr. ?

Thel looked at the door with trepidation. Yes, she had managed to get the tar and feathers off. Surely they wouldn't try anything else. Or would they?Anastasia

"For Christ's sake, Mommy's busy! Just stop, drop and roll."agtorange

Among the other obvious flaws in the new Psycho is the fact that no one is shocked to find out that Bil wears a dress.HasNoName

When Accidents Happen: Four Times Too Many! Next on Fox!Monkey Punch

Dear Penthouse: I always thought the letters in this column were made up, until the following incredible experience. I had just checked in to my dorm at Saint Ida's Women's College, and was enjoying a shower after laying out by the pool, eying a hot pair of guys. Little did I know that soon, "Billy" and "Jeffy" (not their real names) would be pounding at the door...Gaijin Marty (stealing from Bad Girl)

Jeeze, thought Thel, can't I for once just enjoy my Barbie Dream Bathroom all by myself?Gaijin Marty

"Cyanide, Take Me Away!"Gaijin Marty

"I'll be out as soon as I lather, rinse, and repeat ... um ... again."Helder

"Not until you put down that toaster."Helder

"Well, all right. You see, when I was a child, my father was always away, and I had low self-esteem. My mother, you see, was..."Heath

Keane finally retired on the proceeds from this panel's European version.Gen. Sedgwick (self-salvaging)

After all these years Keane picks this panel to make a glass panel translucent?Gen. Sedgwick

This Goddamn Picture Gave Me a Stroke, Bil Keane, watercolors on paper, 1999.Coalcracker

Eat your heart out, Sparky!'zoid

Awww, sweetie.......did that mean ole Immodium AD not kick in?Dano

You realize, of course, that this was drawn by Jeff Keane, Thel's real-life son. Shudder.Chris "Werehamster" Dugan

"I would rather have the readers react with a warm smile, a tug at the heart or a lump in the throat," quoth the Keane. Right ballpark, wrong town.Coalcracker (self-salvaging, and we all know how painful that can be)

Dec. 13, 2002: Citing this shocking image, a chastened Supreme Court finally reinstates the Communications Decency Act. In his dissenting opinion, lone holdout Clarence Thomas wrote, "he assraped Barfy and my peener hurts."Coalcracker

"Dammit, Jeffy, I'm not doing the fish thing today!"crispy

Summoned by the chanting of the believers, the undead Egyptian priestess Thelankamun breaks the seals of her tomb in this scene from the Keane Horror classic, The MommyNyder

Last time Ripley emerged from cryogenic suspension she was marooned on a prison planet of desperate men and impregnated by an Alien queen. This time it would be much, much worse...Nyder

After the young Olympian Jepheus castrated his father, the evil titan Bil, he threw the bloody testicles into the shower stall. There, combining with Dow scrubbing bubbles, they gave birth to Thel, goddess of sexual desire and/or household cleansers. Triumphant and now ruler of the melonhead gods, Jepheus took Thel as his lover, paradoxically siring himself. Ovid, Melonmorphoses'zoid

Well, Keane's has at least a partial point. I know that I, for one, will never ridicule Thel again.Zach Lee

Thel woke with a start. The letter, the newspaper articles, the 404 errors -- it had all been a horrible dream!Coalcracker

Naturally, her maternal instincts kicked in and she did. Forty invited guests shouted "Surprise!" What a party that turned out to be.Ken

The day Al Jolson had to take a crap really bad.Stan Xhiao

Dammit, not now! I'm late for an audition over at Love Is...!'zoid

Summer 2000: with the DFC safely rubbed out, Bil Keane's option for a live-action "FC: The Movie" karmically backfires when Demi Moore insists on adding a scene of her own writing.Andrew Roazen/Orrin Bloquy (it's been beautiful, folks)

"Wait! Where do I enter my credit card number? I've been clicking everywhere!"Heath

This is so much more pleasant than Bil's other idea, having the the kids yell "Daddy!" while he's using the bidet.'zoid

While the other kids shouted in vain, attempting to awaken her maternal instincts, Jeffy was clever enough to remember the only two words that Thel responded to. That and "Pine-Sol".Prof. Moriarity

"Tie it in a friggin' knot. Mommy's just discovered the 'pulsate' setting on the showerhead."abnormal_99

"Hurry! Dad and that Galcik guy are on Celebrity Death Match!"Heath

Now available on DVD: the unrated special edition director's cut of panel #194, with never-before-seen captions and camera angles! Own it today!Mycroft

Although the film was touted as a "frame-by-frame" remake of Hitchcock's masterpiece, the plot took a very unexpected turn when Anne Heche's character took the simple precaution of locking the bathroom door.Mycroft

And Billy interrupts what was sure to be the finest panel of Keane's career.Heather

During an idle moment, Thel's mind drifted back to those youthful days spent lonely at the cemetary, when she would cry those heartfelt words, shovel in hand, convinced that her mother had been buried alive.Darren

How many times, Thel cursed, Is he going to get that thing caught in his zipper?Stan Xhiao

I will wait until after the shoot to go postal on their ass. I will wait until after the shoot to go postal on their ass. I will wait...Heath

"Damn it!" thought Thel. "I finally get up the nerve to try Bukkake, and the little fuckin' rug rats want some parenting."Chutney

It slowly dawned on Thel that breastfeeding Billy till he was ten had caused some separation anxiety.Jokestress

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