DFC #499

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"...Boom. Just like that. Out on our asses. Well, except for Thel, who's been flat on her back for years."agtorange

"Yeah, ever since the masectomy she's been stuffing her bra with toilet paper. But it's just not the same in bed."Jub Jub Boy

Take 'em. Take 'em all. It's either you or some anonymous bidder on E-Bay.Hideo Spanner

Look, he's REAL juicy. You put him in the crock pot, cube some spuds, carrots, and onions. You'll only have to wait three, four hours tops!mg nagy

"Okay, okay, THREE dollars for the lot of em'! You won't find that kind of price anywhere."Magus

"You're early, Roy. I thought we'd agreed you wouldn't show up till the final cartoon."Ken

No, the vasectomy didn't take, so we finally just cut it off. What the hell do I need it for anymore, anyway?wEB cONTORTIONs

"They're all here and, just as you promised, I erased all evidence of the house. Now, where's my bus ticket to Tijuana?"the Shagman

"Look, Reverand, you're the one who taught me that birth control was the work of Satan.... they're your responsibility!"dirtysweet

Barfy was disgusted. Thel had two tits, the children were well behaved, and Bil was calmly discussing world politics with the local pastor. By god, it was leg-humping time.-Black Cupid(god I'll miss you guys)

"Mr. Disney, I have something you might be interested in...and at quite a bargain."Torc.

"By the pound or flat rate?"Torc.

"Pastor Smith? Remember us? Bil & Thel Keane..you performed our wedding ceremony. Well, here ya go, I've changed my mind..."Don Cabron

Ow-hay uch-may for the ids-kay?Nethicus

"But- but- you have to help us! You're a man of God, right?" --from the CBS after school special The Only Family That Jesus Didn't LoveHasNoName

In a bit of wishful thinking, Bil drew Thel to look a little more like Jackie O. with every passing day. The syndicate put a stop to it when he submitted a gory Sunday panel with the couple in a limousine, and Bil's head snapping back and to the left.Coalcracker

Hi, Paul. We're going to, uh, Florida or Mexico or somewhere to visit, uh, I dunno, Thel's other parents. Can you and your wife keep P.J. at your place for a few years-- I mean days?agm

Jan. 10, 1965: Jeffy discovers how to pull his own finger.Coalcracker (self-salvaging, and we all know how painful that can be)

"With Vice Pope Doug out of the picture, I was the king. But soon enough, Heath and Namgubed The Merry Elf were hot on my trail. And Helder and Stan Xhiao weren't far behind. And soon as 'zoid came onto the scene, I panicked. I found the man himself, and confessed. Everything." --"The Last Laugh", by Charlie Steinhice.I'll miss you most of all, Gen. Sedgwick.

"So you say this here diaphram thingy will keep us from having anymore of these squealing little poop machines?"Lt. Dan

"I'm sorry Roy, but its over. I've decided that my wife and kids mean more to me than our wild homosexual drug orgies. I hope you understand." And with that simple statement, we knew the end of the DFC was near. - Billy Keane, Life in the Red Zone: The DFC YearsBA

Can you help us, please? PJ here lost his pennant, and we have no idea where we are.Kris Mullen, Vitamin Tom 2 of 2 (the other VitaminTom [no space] is my brother)

No, I haven't told her yet.Bad Girl

Yes, we HAVE heard the good word of Jesus Christ as a matter of fact. You've been sending your people to my house for decades. We've yelled at you, shot at you, molested you, yet you still bring those stupid pamphlets to the door. Can't you people see that we belong to Satan, and we're beyond any help?agm

What have I learned? Well, for starters: The rhythm method doesn't work.Bad Girl

Oh, fuck off. No one wants to hear your hipper-than-thou summation, Mr. Serling.Bad Girl

They're fake.Bad Girl

We're sorry. It is a nice neighborhood, and everything -- but I just don't want to live by a river of mayonaise.Bad Girl

"Yeah, yeah, you've been sleeping with my wife for the past 40 years, and these kids aren't mine. Tell me something I haven't heard from 50 other men."Helder

"We'll perform deviant perversions for food. Actually, we'll perform them even if we don't get any food. But food would be preferred."Helder

"Yep! They have all their shots and are almost old enough to be neutered!"kcho

"You're my future self, here to tell me I made a mistake marrying Thel and having children with her? Well, big fucking Duh."Helder

"When I left this morning, I forgot to draw our house. Could we stay the night with you?"El Caballero

"Hand over the cash or it's strained peas all over your new suit!"El Caballero

Hey Kids!!! Trace the failed, exploitive, cheap "relationships" in this panel. Here's the hint - all you have to do is trace who's looking at who! Good luck!!!Podbeing

While Bil continued his public confessional, Jeffy thought, "Wow. My boogers taste like bacon."Stealth

"And if you stick your finger in.....HERE....and wiggle it around, you can make his little arms flop around. That's about it, hope you enjoy him. Oh, and keep the bedpan there handy, he don't really hold it in all that well after a "show""MrScary

Oh sure, they look good in the WonderBra, but you should see what happens when she takes it off.Lame-O

"And not only am I returning him, I'm returning all the brushes she bought from you."Stan Xhiao

"OK, so maybe I'm not a single, Leonardo DiCaprio look-alike -- but you're not a 9-year-old nymphomaniac, either."Helder

"Alright Clarence, now do you believe me that the world would be a better place if I'd never existed?"Helder

"I drew you? God, I am a cocktail hound, aren't I?"Stan Xhiao

Perhaps you can explain this black dotted line down my wife's blouse.Bad Girl

"Well yes Lloyd, `Bagel-In-a-Hat' is a great idea, but it's just not as good as `Baby-Made-From-Turkey-Loaf'"Hos

"Yeah, we saw Sullivan last night. I tell you, Sid, these Brits with their 'yeah, yeah, yeah' and their mop tops... I'll be damned if any of MY kids ever turn into teenagers!"'zoid

"Guess the wife-swapping's off this weekend, eh, Gene? Guess we'll go see what the Boyles are up to. Lovely funeral, by the way."M and Heath

"7:00-7:30 Bewitched: Endorra splits Adam into three different Mongoloid children. Darren (Dick Keane) inexplicably loses his job, and before he can talk his way back into it, hurls all over Larry Tate." Yes, readers soon came to regret the shutdown of the DFC, and spinn's subsequent job writing for TV Guide.phil

"Well, he's a cute little ticket, and he hasn't got too many miles on him, and we've changed him often . . course, if that's not your style, I could show you something more in the way of a '54 Baconhead."Hang Lose

"Amazon dot com? What the Hell is that, morse code?"Hang Lose

"We're on our way out. The place is yours." And with that, the Dysfunctional Yuppie Tightass began.Heath

"You're PJ's grandson, come back from the future to create a classic paradox by... OK, here he is. Go for it."Nyder

Never accuse a man of sleeping with your mistress when your entire family is right there. -- from Bil's Big Book of EtiquetteKen

Blessed? I'll trade you the whole lot for your hat.Steve Ear Boy

To be honest, the act was fine, even though Jeffy's soft-shoe routine needed work and we never could get Barfy to perform on cue. It was when Bil got carried away and began burping the "Hallelujah Chorus" in front of that Hollywood talent scout that the death-knell sounded for the "Keane Komical Kapers."-- The Non-Evolution Man, or Why We Hacked our Father Into Tiny Bits, by Dolly Keane-HansenNyder (will anyone else get the title reference? Let's see....)

"Don't squeeze the Charmin, don't shake the baby, don't let the dog drink anti-freeze... Christ-allmighty, Mr. Whipple, don't you ever grown tired of telling people what they can't do?"HOLY JESUS BATFUCK

You're looking for a one-armed man? Well, we're looking for a giant fish. Any sign of it?Coalcracker

"Would you take our picture? You would? Great! Thel, you hold the runt while I go get the spikes and Wesson. Kids, start getting undressed!"Heath

"Yeah, it used to be right across the street there, real nice split level, but, you know, shit happens. So you got a quarter or something?"Stan Xhiao

"..and since I'm gay I don't know where the kids keep coming from."Mark in Arizona

"No, trust me, you don't want to shake my hand right now."Torc.

"Actually, they're all named after their respective fathers. Oh, don't give me that, Thel; I've known for years."Pete B.

"P.J. just soiled his last diaper. I'll give you five bucks for the hat."Sean Q

"No, Father, I never once wore a rubber. I see you don't wear yours, either. Barfy, Piss on the holy man's shoes."Riff

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