DFC #500

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

And so it ends.... not with a bang, not with a whimper, but with a weeping infant learning the black art of levitation from a televised clown.Tim Harrod

Wow, thought P.J., You could smuggle a shitload of smack around in those shoes.agm

"As he watched the evil, demented clown, P.J. suddenly realized he'd never had a caption accepted, and it finally hit him..."awkwardone

PJ's favorite show DFC Funhouse airs its last episode.tupid...(I'm gonna miss you guys)

PJ thought to himself, "Jeez, Shakes the Clown IS the Citizen Kane of alcoholic clown movies!"mg nagy

"Come with me," Tumnus said. "Narnia needs you more than ever... besides, we have food here."Tonton Macoute

At last, thought young PJ...at long last...that is where I belong. Those are my people.."Don Cabron

No more stupid T-Shirts. No more drugs or incest. No more occultism. No more Psychic Objects. No more blank circles. Paul Jeffery had finally escaped from the infinite hell of the DFC. It was over. It was finally over. The EndMagus

o/" .........And now, the end is near;And so we face the final curtain.......My friend, I'll say it clear,I'll state my case, of which I'm certain........DFC lived a life that's full.We traveled each and ev'ry highway;...........But more, much more than this, we did it OOOOOUURRRRRR WWWWWAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! .......o/" Cara Smith (aka The Artist Formally Known as Timmy's Flat Rotting Colon :(

In the end, I was the only one who stayed with Bil and Thel. The others had had enough of the ageless time warp in which we lived and moved on. But me, I stuck around; it was immortality, of a sort, even if it did come at a price. We kept in touch for a little while; Billy got married and wound up opening a few used car dealerships in southern California; it wasn't anything flashy, but he was happy. Dolly became a teacher, and settled down with a very nice biker chick in Nevada; no real surprises there either, I guess. But I always wondered what happened to Jeffy; he was out the door like a rocket when the lawyers finally shut us down. I guess I always figured the drugs had finally done him in . . . until one day about thirty years later when I was flipping through channels, and I saw the clown. It was tough to tell who it was behind all the make-up, but the voice and the hypno-hair were unmistakable. Yeah. I cried. --PJ, MemoirsPete B.

"This is THE END...my only friend, THE END..." P.J. cried when he realized that not only was Jim Morrison really alive, but he was now a REALLY BAD mime.Michael R. Lukacs

The last man on earth had just finished inserting the second-to-last man on earth into his rectum. It felt so good and snug next to the last woman on earth, the last girl and the last two boys, the last two dogs, the last cat, the last fern, the last tent, the last jar of oing, the last unidentifyable green food, the last refrigerator polish, the last cheesy t-shirt, and everything else he had inserted. One by one, the stars in his colon went out.Ken

But what is life, but a play, full of sound and soylent fury, signifying nothing, told to an idiot, with clowns and babies and ... um.. explosions.Mr. ?

'I couldn't believe it! That clown. Someone else had the same name as me!' - Memoires by Pantomime Jalopy KeaneMr. ?

The DFC was finally over, the family was dead, and P.J.'s favorite show was on. Slowly, but surely, he held up a pennant that said "Heaven".K-Man

"After all these years, after all those captions, Those cybergeeks never came CLOSE to guessing my real name. Heh-heh-heh... " From the memoirs of Pee Jay Keane.Doc Evil (With thanks to Mystery Roach)

Goodbye, Oing-y the clown. Goodbye!Bad Girl

P.J. stepped out of the circular room and into the square one. The vivid colors were unfamiliar and frightening but he continued on. He did not know what he could do in this strange new world. But he would think of something.JJ (with apologies to Arthur C. Clarke)

The sarcoma started on his face, and slowly spread. But hey--clowns!Heath

"Good bye, Mr. Spinn" thought PJ, "I'll miss you most of all."BA

498 ... 499 ... 500! came a voice from the window. Ready or not, my time has come.Ken

"Breathe deep, the gathering gloom . . . Watch lights fade in every room . . . Remove the colors from our sight . . .Black is grey . . . And Yellow, white . . . But we decide which is right, and which is an illusion.the scottish valkyrie

Soylent Orange is made out of Circus Peanuts!!!Doc Evil

As PJ shed his final tear, his favorite site, The Dysfunctional Family Clown, closed down. The next day, he searched for a better show, he found none. He turned off his TV for the last time. The magic was over. The fun was gone. The only thing left was porn channels. What a sad day it was, indeed.The Boy (NOOOO! I invested too many hours of my life onto this page!)

They have to call it the PJ circle now that I wished everyone into the cornfield.Mr. ?

"P.J. wept." The shortest verse in the DFC Bible.Jokestress

Little known DFC fact: If you start Dark Side of the Moon at #489, this panel will appear at the line "The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say."Torc.

"..*sniff*...send in...the dysfunctional, incestuous, ageless, substance-abusing melonheads....don't bother, they're...*sniff*..already...here......"Don Cabron

I guess Jeffy was right after all. A P.J. solo scene really would kill the strip....bobo

Color! Corners! Clowns! It's still 1953, and I'm still only three. I guess it was all a frightmare after all.Torc.

Spinn wept.Stan Xhiao

A small tear of joy slid down PJ's face. The horror of the DFC was at an end at last! There would be cute, wholesome captions. There would be color, perspective, and, yes! Even a SQUARE panel! There would be...a sudden thought crossed his mind. "Sayyyy," he mused, "I wonder if that clown's dick would taste like a lolipop..."Dave

And then Clarabelle said -- "Goodbye!"Bad Girl

This is how it ends: not with sodomy, fellatio, bestiality, nutsaks being tripped into frenzies of dikplay....not with Soylent Green, psychic ferns, Uncle Roy, bondage equipment, hapless victims of Keane Love, poop keeping something wher it is......not with oinging, murder, hypno-hair, an all-encompassing Jeffy-ego......not with Barfy for dinner, crap-flinging, not with Dolly offering herself up for a nickel, not with kittycat's inviting ass perched lovingly on a toilet......no, it all ends with a single tear.....and a goddamned clown. Jesus, how lame!The Enigma (kudos and farewell)

This is it, P.J. thought. The final TV.Horselover Fat

It is! sobbed PJ. The finality of it all! My quest for meaning is over. It took me 500 tries, and now, in this last fleeting moment, this last dance we have together, thanks to this happy little clown, I finally understand. You can trip your nutsak in a frenzy of dikplay.Nethicus (You can't keep a good parody down)

"Alas, poor Galcik," PJ sniffed, " ... I knew him well, Horatio - a man of infinite jest, he hath borne me on his back a thousand times ..."anon

"And in the end.... the love you take is equal to the love you make....... fuck you dad"whizzo

*sniff* The clown's cap is on backwards!Bad Girl

In the distance, the psychic fern wandered off into the sunset dejectedly. Its time would never come.Torc. (thanks for the laughs guys)

Having ripped off all the knobs, I'll get to watch clowns forever!Heath

The touching final scene was cut short when PJ electrocuted himself trying to pull Bobo's finger.Ryan Torchia (aka Torc.)

If you'd been touched over 500 times by guys in clown suits, you'd cry too.Rodney ('first we must kill all the lawyers')

So It Goes.Zach Lee (masquerading as Vonnegut)

PJ cried. It wasn't art, it wasn't subtle, it wasn't classy, he thought, But it always made me laugh.Mike Gray (Formerly The Boy)

"PJ whimpered. He knew it was over. We all did. The little guy wanted to go out on a soft note - a tear for a clown. A Louisville Slugger for a wretched little shit was more like it! Yeah! *THWAP! THWAP! THWAP!* I split his skull like an eggshell. I was going out, but it was gonna be on my terms - in a blaze of f'ing glory!" - Jeffy Keane: The Death Row ConfessionsFlan! (I haven't been this sad since the day they took Rhoda off the air...)

That's it for today, kids. Tune in Monday for an all-new feature, the Mildly Deviant Group-Cohabitation Rhomboid.Coalcracker

Fuck the DFC, I've still got television!megafrim

"Oh, hi, Bil...you're home early. How'd it go today?" "Not bad. Topped off the 11th floor. How was he?" "The same. He just spends all day staring into that box." "Y'know, Thel, sometimes I wonder what he imagines that he sees in there."Rotter (Oh, come on...nobody remembers "St. Elsewhere"?)

o/` That's great, it starts with a food scene o/` Soylent green and zombie looks o/` Uncle Roy is not afraid o/` Then comes the gutter slut, sucking dick for nickels o/` Hypno hair controls me, Psychic Fern will be free o/` Daddy's high again, speed, ludes, pot and meth o/` Camping holding tents wher they are with, well, poop o/` Barfy is for dinner, and Bil is still a sinner as he drinks a 5th of Jack and molests his kids o/` Jeffy, he wants to be the star of the panel or he'll throw a fit o/` Ida Know and Not Me blowing Yeams and O. Shit! o/` Look at that void, no features o/` Uh oh, jar of oing, wooden hands, 2:46!, shiny floors o/` Fedameems, Vice Pope Doug o/` Thel, get some soldierz, then put on some Abba o/` Sedgwick had the stats and Raven's Home Companion o/` It doesn't end in misery as long as P.J. sees a clown, feelin' pretty psyched. o/` --R.E.M.'s tribute song, "It's The End of The DFC As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)"K-Man (This is my last caption. It may not rhyme, but it's my final tribute. See you guys in IADL!)

The people that once bestowed commands, consulships, legions, and all else, now concerns itself no more, and longs eagerly for just two things-- bread and circuses.Juvenal, Satires X.79

"Laughing out the outside, crying on the inside... clowns know what it's about," PJ thought before he lifted his left hand to his mouth and pulled the trigger. Crazy Climber

Christ, P.J. thought. This is why we're spending billions of dollars to build an ATM cell based fiber network shoving half an STS1 into every damned house? Instinctively, he began to bend over.MJW

And they lived crappily ever after.Jokestress

And somewhere, a dog barked.Bad Girl

o/~ And as this website melts / And my tears conglomerate / Leaving only IADL to defend / Finally I understand the feelings of the few / Nicknames and captions / Bil and THel / We were all grateful in the end. o/~Nethicus and Roger Waters

I'm so glad we had this time together, just to tell a joke or sing a song, seems we just got started and before you know it, comes the time we have to say, "so long"Les Miserables

As Thel's roast turkey lodged in Dad's throat, the electric carving knife spun out of control on the table -- slicing Jeffy's jugular. Free at least, Billy ran off to join his cult, while Dolly humped Thel on the counter, and then fled to Mexico together to consummate their forbidden love. And when PJ wandered out of the kitchen, Boffo the clown was on. It was the best Christmas ever.Bad Girl

Where there is laughter, there is always hope.Bad Girl

P.J. shed a tear as he heard the resounding Hi-Ho Silver, and Svingen entered the pictureLes Miserables (long live the DFC!)

"And if it doesn't work out, there'll never be any doubt that the pleasure was worth all the pain." - P.J. BuffettJoe Mama

"...and suddenly, P.J. knew his destiny. One day, he too could make people laugh until they cried. One day, in a magical land far away from moralizing fathers and perfect housewife mothers and a society where black people were still token characters, a land called Spinnwebe, where he could fart, drink, screw around and act like a normal human being in a normal human society. In short, he could be free." - Closing Lines of the P.J. Chronicles, submitted for publication in early 1999. Of course, we all knew our charmed life was too good to be true, that the tyranny of oppression known as capitalism would once again attempt to stomp flat any flower of dissent in an homogenixed world of safe media. P.J. would later become on the Underground's most vauled freedom fighters, martyring himself for the cause in the infamous Diaper Incident of 2002...Viva La DFC! This is El Jefe, signing off...semillama

If you love something, set it free. Or tape it's damned feet to the floor and make it watch Bozo reruns. Either/or.Tuxedo Bill (alas poor DFC, I knew him well)

'As a special goodbye present, the writers decided to let PJ speak his first words. Just before the credits rolled, the studio audience hushed, and the cameras trained on him. But instead of reading the cue cards, PJ was distracted-- by Bozo the freakin' clown. I just rolled my eyes and reached for my aspirin and vodka, thankfully for the last time.'-- DFC-TV: The Director's Memoirsagm(salv. Coalcracker)

"They may cancel this show," P.J. thought, "but they'll never cancel my memories. Unless they kill me, which, upon further reflection, is not an impossibility."authorized caption

And then the cable went out and the lights went black. The nations techy geeks had gone so into deep depression they were unable to work. They called it the "DFC virus."Matt Miller

"...as I watched the inane antics of Colonel Clown , it came to me. Finally: I knew my name. How ironic, I thought, that it ends just how it began..." Private Joke: The Posthumorous Memoirs of P.J. Keaneagtorange (The funniest site on the web. Always was, always will be.)

"We had several endings in mind for the DFC. In one, Jeffy quit his job and murdered the Internet Killer, who'd been freed on a technicality. Then, we were gonna have the family move to Maine and start a radio station there. Next, we were going to finish with Billy, Dolly and Uncle Roy sitting back to watch 'The Crawling Eye.' In the end, Bil decided to have PJ crying while he looked at a clown. It seemed to fit." -- from Fuck, Now I Have To Read Books by Thel Keane-ChoPete (Maybe there'll be a reunion TV movie...)

"Yeah, I like clowns. You wanna make something of it? Gimme a break, I'm a fuckin' toddler! I haven't had time to develop the kind perversion or cruelty that the others have. Screw this, I'm outta here. The End."--P.J. Keane's Afterword, Guilty Pleasures.Desscribe (closing the book on Guilty Pleasures)

I met a boy who crapped his pants, and I asked him for just one more dance, but he just cried and watched the tube. I went to the furniture store; asked for his mom, the two-bit whore, but the man there said she'd gotten her new boob. And in the house the children fucked, the sink drain oinged, the perspective sucked, But not a word was spoken. The meth lab, it was smokin' ... And the three men I admire most: The Uncle, Bil and Not Me the ghost, They cooked a tasty Barfy roast the day DFC died.Ken

Sic transit gloria mundiMatt Miller

Citizens! Cease and desist from your irreverent laughter. These images are not to be laughed at. Solemnity is mandatory. Thank you for your co-operation. The Management.Flipper the rather late dolphin

Nangumbed was merry on the outside, but crying on the inside ...Riff

As the final moments hit him...spinn wondered just how he was going to get everybody's name on the list of contributors...Flan! (he really should do that...)

PJ wept for joy. With the DFC gone, he'd finally be able to grow up. In a tragic twist of irony, the instant the site shut down, the TV fell over on him, killing him.Anastasia

Edvard Munch's Last Fucking DFC Cartoon EverNyder (salvaging Desscribe)

After the bitter court battle, Spinn decided to go with something in the public domain: The Dysfunctional Yellow KidBrandolon Hill

O, Sweet Television! You'll never use me for my body and then leave me to spiral further down into a depraved life of necrobestiality and alcohol, will you?I had just fallen in love, and now you walk out all over my poor heart. OH GOD! the PAIN!

And, finally, as P.J.'s world began crashing in all around him, his recurring, demented thought was: Send in the clowns. ...and kittens. On fire.Daniel M. Laenker (Well, if this is the end, let's start the fanfiction NOW!)

As the Universe slowly consumed itself around him, the advancing nothingness absorbed them all: Thel, Dolly, Jeffy, Billy and Bil. The TV disolved into a gray mist whilst clowns continued to caper till the very end. "God, it may have been a dysfunctional family," he thought, "but it was MY family."Lucifer Antichrist

Oddly, after the closure of the DFC, intrest in Bil's work declined sharply. He soon had to retire from cartooning and take work as 'Bildo the Clown' on a childrens tv show just to make ends meet.Lord_Xeno

. . . and the entire group of DFC caption entrants shuffled off, crying and loudly singing, It's a Long Way to Tipperary. The last one out the door would be Helden, who paused, looked back through the doors of Spinnewebe, and turned off the lights. Roll Credits. the scottish valkyrie (now that I've FOUND this place, we must leave??)

o/` ... Bil Keane, Inc. had spoken, the DFC was broken. And the website I admire the most, could not accept a funny post, intended for a Bil Keane roast, the day the humor died. And we were singin', bye-bye all you DFC guys, it's a rumor that our humor was illegal, but why? That two-bit lawyer said, "It's our copyright, therefore, this'll be the day your site dies!"o/`Namgubed the Merry Elf

"When you see two siblings in a fight with linoleum knives... I'll be there. When you see furtive acts of depraved incest... I'll be there too... I'll be in the rain... in the wind... and in every jar of oing."Svingen

"What? What do you mean, it's a solo PJ panel? It's the last panel! It should be my panel! Don't shush me, I'm Jeffy Keane goddamn it! I am the Family Circus!"Torc.

As Bil prattled on about finally reaping the benefits of a litigious, pro-business legal system, only one thought entered P.J.'s mind: Fuck it! Bozo's finally in color!Coalcracker (self-salvaging for the last time ever, and we all know how painful that can be)

It was a warm summer morning. P.J. awoke and stumbled out to the living room. The living room floor was bare of liquor bottles and joint-stuffed ashtrays. A children's TV show was on instead of "Faces of Death.". No johns were banging on the door demanding a slice of Thel. Dolly and Billy were off at school, instead of shooting heroin on the corner. Grandma was knitting in the kitchen, not running guns for the Hell's Angels. Jeffy's hair had no magical power. "All a dream," P.J. thought to himself in amazement. "Thank God it was just a dream!" Then the front door opened and Bil and Roy walked in leading a drunk llama.Cadillac Man

It's not over until the disgusting, poorly drawn attempt at a clown sings.DoctorBenway

PJ was looking at the TV but not seeing anything. His mind spun through ten thousand memories, each a brilliant jewel on a black velvet cloth. The others were gone and he had, for whatever reason, been left for the last. He relished his last few minutes of life - oblivion was closing in - for is it not through the eyes of others that we truly exist? He shed one tear, soiled his last diaper and waited for release as the John Tesh album in his mind grew slowly louder...MC BeefStewMix, back after 158 cartoons. This is home, I'll miss you all.

Well, I'll be, P.J. thought, Andy Ihnatko finally resurfaces. And who knew he could juggle?Coalcracker

Suddenly, the stray golfball from #496 struck PJ in the back of the head. When he awoke, he saw his siblings eating breakfast. The first thing he heard was, "Yo Bitch! I said more orange juice! Now, Dammit!" And so, it ended at the beginning, the Circle would go on forever.Casey Jones

As the credits rolled, PJ drank a 40, wandered out into the snow, and pissed a final message: Illegitimi non carborundum.Heath

And so it ends... Not with a bang, but with a wanker...J. Charles Hazelwood (AKA Doc Evil)

Tragically, the "Gore 2000" campaign had chosen an inappropriate way to "liven up" their candidate.zen

The telescreen will make me happy. The telescreen will make me happy. Ignorance is strength. The telescreen will make me happy. I love Big Brother.Ellis Wyatt (parting wisdom -- a TV has controls)

"Our revels now are ended. These our actors, / As I foretold you, were all spirits and / Are melted into air, into thin air: / And, like the baseless fabric of this vision, / The tripp'd nutsacke, the burpers of sperm, / The poop-helde tent, the great Circle itself, / Ye all which it inherit, shall dissolve / And, like this insubstantial pageant faded, / Leave not an archive behind. We are such stuff / As dreams are made on, and our little life / Is rounded with a sleep. Bil Shakepeare, The Tempest in a Pee-PotteGaijin Marty

We've secretly replaced P.J.'s Krazy Klown show with Faces of Death 9: Clown Carnage. Let's see if he notices.Coalcracker

o/` The killer awoke before the dawn, he put his shoes on, took a face from the ancient gallery and walked on down the hall... o/` - It would be twenty years later when Pamela discovered Jim's first name was really "Ptolemy" and what he had escaped by watching Biffo the Clown at three in the morningmyke - I'm gonna miss you guys

Young Dave, having recieved the message knew what he had to do, in an instant he flashed to earth, telling them of the great news. "All these cartoons are yours to colonize, all excecpt the FC."Microman

We shot and reshot the scene for two whole days - hell, we hadda replace the fake tear so many times we used up a whole bottle of glycerine. But the little bastard was so pleased with himself that he beat me outta the final solo that he just wouldn' wipe that damn smirk off his face. - Jeffy Keane, as quoted in Kitty Kelly's Circus of the ScarsSchol-R-LEA

Of course I cried. I may be the youngest, but even I know what they say about the size of a man's feet. -- Phineus Jebidiah Keane, Send in the Clowns!Helder

PJ shed a tear/not for the dreadful clown/jumper had been white.hippie

"I love you, Television Clown." "I need my space, PJ."Helder (salvaging Milo Bloom (whose last accepted caption was 300 cartoons ago...))

"The true-hearted German youth looks on in sadness at the announcement of the Fuehrer's suicide by that fat clown Goering" - Das FamilienZirk - the final cartoonSchickelgruber

"P-E-E... E you real soon! ...J-A-Y ...Why? Because we like you goofy bastards, why the fuck do you think? Goodbye, D-F-Ceeeeee..."Generik

DFC Final Exam: Which of the following captions is the most appropriate? A)Th-th-that's all folks! B)Fiddle-dee-dee! I'll worry about that tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day! C)I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille. D)the horror...the horrorfritz(zoid) zimmerman

Now that's interactive TV, thought PJ, relishing the drop of semen on his cheek.crispy

"If we melons have offended, / Think but this, and all is mended, / That you have but tripp'd here / Thanks to drugs and too much beer. / ... / Else the Puck a liar call; / So dysfunction to you all. / Trip your nutsak, if we be friends, / And PJ shall remark: The End." --Puck Jester Keane, from Bil Shakespeare's A Midcircus Night's KeaneSteevie

It was all over. Thel was on Prozac and only cleaned once a week. The electroshock had worked: Bil had thrown Roy out of his life and was attending AlAnon, DrugsAnon, and GayAnon. Billy was lecturing the local kids on the horrors of gang life; Dolly had thrown out her Xena tapes. Jeffy spent his days murmuring pasketti to himself-- the scar on his forehead was scarcely visible. The ferns had been replaced with philodendrons; the food was mentionable; there was no pain in the dark of night, only Scripture. It was all over... all bloody fucking over. P.J. began to shuffle hopelessly off to his crib. And then, passing the TV, he saw it. He looked carefully at the image, shook his head in disbelief. It was them... they were disguised as clowns, but there was no doubt: it was the Caretakers; they were back. A single tear rolled down his cheek. He smiled. It wasn't the end.Horselover Fat

Smile, though your heart is breaking. Smile, though your ass is aching.Helder

"...managed to get you into the last frame, but the costume is not negotiable." -- The Murray MemoesPeon

"You finally did it! You blew it up! God damn you! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO...ooh! Clown!"fritz(zoid) zimmerman

And if you've got them synched up correctly, you should be coming to the end of Side 2 of PInk Floyd's "The Final Cut" right about now.Pete (Look, Nelson, move on. I have.)

And then there were none...Tillman

"The melon-headed ones are dead, drowned in a sea of blood, my master. Did I do well? Did I? DID I???" The kid kept repeating those words, over and over, even as we drove him, immobilized and straitjacketed, to the asylum. In the time since his incarceration, the patient's evil has only grown greater and more malevolent. I beg you, do not release this monster into the world once more! -- Statement by psychiatrist Dr. Sam Loomis at PJ Keane's parole hearingSpeedy the Long-Winded Salmon (shooting for just one last yellow zone caption...)

As the pounding on the door grew more insistent, a beatific smile crept across P. Jesus Keane's face. "Forgive them, Spinn," he thought, "they know not what they do."Steevie

"...we all knew it was coming, the producers had been droppin hints for months... by #494 they stopped deliverin Cuervo to my trailer, that was my big 411... by the time #500 rolled around, everyone was off on their new gigs: Bil pimpin Dolly for rock on Sunset, Thel an exotic dancer in Compton, Billy and Jeffy doin 5 to 15 for that liquor store job. Shit, only me an' Boffo the clown were left. You'da cried too, Tom..." - P.J.: A memoirPhlegm

And why shouldn't he be able to feel for everybody? He was everybody. When he was empty the world was empty; when he was full the world was full; when he triumphed everybody triumphed; and when he died the world died. Then P.J. died.Desscribe (shamelessly ripping off Jules Feiffer)

Alas, PJ's Pikachu lost to the Clownachu.Marty

It's just you and me you crazy clown. Let's trip the nutsack fantastic!storm (long live DFC!)

Th-th-th-th-th-th- That's all, f- f- f- f-... Uhhh... Th- th- th- th- That's all, f- f- f- f-... Aw, fuck it! See you in hell, losers!Speedy the Wonder Asterisk

"Yes....trip your nutsak, your grand, merry clown....trip your nutsak into a frenzy of dikplay....one final time...."The Enigma

After watching the Republican Primaries from beginning to end, PJ began to leak cranial fluidRasputin

Edvard Munch's The Screenandyf (with the final Munch caption, I'm afraid)

What's here? a clown, closed in my true love's circuit? Lawyers, I see, hath been this timeless end: O oing! drunkards all, and left no Soylent Green To help me after? I will keep thy tent; Haply some poop yet doth hang on it, To make die with a pennant. [Kisses screen] Thy lips are warm. [Grunting offstage] Yea, Roy? then I'll be brief. O happy Bil! ["Snatches" Bil's "dagger"] This is thy sheath; [Impales himself] there rust, and let me die. [Falls on Barfy's body, and dies] I laughed. I cried. Five stars.Moe The Maneater

The week after the DFC finally closed: 25% increase in memberships at porn sites. 30% increase in the suicide rate. 10% increase in aloholism. Keane beaten to death in mob lynching that would make the KKK nauseous.Magus (never made a really funny caption in my life, but loved every instant here)

PJ cried when he realized Bil had configured Net Nanny to only show clown porn. Still, at least it was porn.Ken, not *the* Ken, but *a* Ken, who only ever had one caption accepted -- in 146.

Hi, I'm back! Did I miss anything?Andy Ihnatko

No question, now, what had happened to the faces of the melonheads. The creatures outside looked from melonhead to man, and from man to melonhead, and from melonhead to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.crisis, lifting his permanent submission sabbatical for a very good reason

Hey, cool...they're both wearing Apple iBook shoes!Rotter

"Finally, I can tell all you DFC losers to suck my...my...dammit Bil! You've drawn my crotch concave again!!!Rotter

In the end, PJ was tripping so hard that he'd go to the fake TV's in Vic's Furniture and stare at the simulated picture for hours on end.Joe Engledow (aka CedricFox)

USEFUL TIPS FOR YOUR NEW DESKTOP DFC Keanes enjoy a good sodomy session once a week. Barfy must have his nutsak tripped once a week. Keep their television to the Clown Channel only - anything more intelligent puts stress on Bil. And never, no matter how much he begs, no matter how much he pleads, NEVER feed PJ after midnight.Jenn Dolari

And with the viewing of the clown, a new Sith Lord was born.Jenn Dolari

Peej stared at the sanitized clown, finishing the thought of what life would be like outside the circle, of bitches, of sataism, of exotic sexual positions. He turned towards the kitchen. Another plate of pasghetti awaited him there, another sugar coated gag or two and strangely and oddly positioned objects and people. And a tear rolled down his cheek when he realized that the dysfunctional world of his mind wasn't so far off from the one he really lived in. This old world still had possibilities, some even more exciting than the one he had created for himself. He would make this world his. Then the television blew up.Jenn Dolari

Last panel ever / Everything is accepted / Poop slut peener jizz.Stickboy

This is the way the webb will end, this is the way the webb will end, this is the way the webb will end ... not with a bang; but with a letter.DJC=JFPW

How telling that the last panel would be that of PJ eagerly awaiting the next episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. And now, if you don't mind, there's an oven with my head's name on it.Shifter

...and still the tears flowed, streaming freely down his cheeks, drowning his eyes, nearly blinding him with his sorrows. And yet, despite the sadness, perhaps even welling up from it, the ghost of a smile played upon the infant's lips. PJ knew it was time at last to offer his first word. "Spaghetti," he laughed. And then the lights went out.Shifter

Can't Sleep or Clown will eat me, Can't sleep or clown will eat me, Can't sleep or clown will eat me, Can't sleep or clown will eat me...Richcat

Unlike the Keanes, the supporting characters fared none too well after the DFC's end. Dr. Cuthbertson ran up steep gambling debts to the Mob; to pay them off, he started performing illegal nostrilectomies in Tijuana. Roy Washington ended up behind the counter at some Chick-Fil-A in Tucson; Bil soon dumped him for a 20-year-old cabana boy. Not Me and Ida Know's marriage collapsed; he blew his brains out with a ghost gun, while she fatally overdosed on ghost horse. Only Darryl the Druggie made a good living; he became Pacho Jesus's personal makeup man, despite some incompetence in applying rouge.Dave Matthews

o/` Light up your face with gladness / Hide every trace of sadness / Although a tear may be ever so near / That's the time you must keep on trying / Smile, what's the use of crying? / You'll find that life is still worthwhile / If you just smile o/` Fuck you Bozo, I'm getting an automatic rifle and cleaning house.Helder (salvaging Little tramp)

The sight of Grandpa coming back to life had been hideous, but not nearly as hideous as the experience of watching the four melon-headed children pop back into Thel. Now, as the strange time-reversal besetting the Keane family continued and Bil neared his own infancy, things grew more pleasant. He rediscovered pleasure in the simpler things in life, like cartoons. It had been, Bil's rapidly dwindling consciousness realized dimly, a clown who had first inspired him to create humour. A tear trickled down his cheek--as it began, so it ended. The circle was at last complete.Steevie

It took 500 tries, but in the end PJ finally managed to figure out how to work the monolith.Mr. ?

"It was the end of innocence, everything as we knew it. It was PJ's first erection. And the poor freak got it watching a clown. He was forever damned." -- The End of Sexual Innocence: A Keane Insight Into the Familial Roots of Sexuality in the MidwestJub Jub Boy

We had a good run, didn't we, Chuckles? That we did, PJ. Over 500 panels ('cause I'm counting the Lost 420 & 421) is a lot of laughter, isn't it, Chuckles? You bet it is, PJ. I'm sad to see it all end, but I guess we're going on to bigger and better things, aren't we, Chuckles? I truly believe we are, PJ. I'm gonna grow up and sniff old ladies' asses until the cops start closing in, then bomb a crowded day care right before I put a Charter Arms .375 in my mouth and splatter my brains on the wall with a teflon-coated slug, aren't I, Chuckles? You can bet on it, PJ.Stan Xhiao

Much to PJ's delight, Doodie.com has it made on network television!Kevy

God may have 9 billion names, but apparently Satan has only 500 facesMr. Me (with appologies to Arthur C. Clarke)

If I had known this day would truly come, I would have been archiving the DFC, not updating my collection of clown porn.Elbow

The new Piss-Max 2000 jumpsuit diaper can hold approximately 3 gallons of urine, but the question remains the same: Is PJ's diaper half full, or half empty?Lt. Dan

...and PJ was so excited about Peppermint Patty finally agreeing to go out with him, he cast his jammies behind him and head on out the door. Unfortunately, they landed on the stove and the place caught fire. Bilnold's was out of business, but Jeffzie would come to the rescue, leather jacket and all, and rebuild the place as a partner. "But Jeffzie, where'd you get the money?" "Aaaaaaay!", came the reply, with his trademark thumbs-up. The last episode of Happy Dysfunctional Family Circus Days - on ABCFlan! (staging his own, private sit-in)

As it all comes to an end, I remember the final episode of M*A*S*H*. But I can can only recall something about Hawkeye and someone strangling a chicken on the bus. Funny enough, that same plotline wouldn't be out of place here either...Flan! (Hot Lips never did if for me)

The prospect of being raped and murdered by John Wayne Gacy simultaneously disgusted and aroused PJ.Lt. Dan, disgruntled and heavily armed

The elephants had been wished deep into the cornfield, the sword-swallower had been wished into a fern. Now it was just him and the happy clowns.for(;;);

"Your ass is mine," they thought simultaneously.for(;;);

Meanwhile, Thel was cleaning.for(;;);

"A planet where clowns evolved from men?!"Thomas Wilde

It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings. But Dolly's been binging on mallomars all morning, so it shouldn't be long.Coalcracker

PJ was so happy. He'd finally gotten his jailhouse tattoo.Thomas Wilde

A boy, a clown, a tear -- raetanwolcayoba!Helder

The really weird thing is that if you look, the books on the shelf are the collected DFC memoirs. Guilty Pleasures by Thel, Circle of Fear by PJ, Boy In The Bubble by Jeffy...all the classics.Podbeing (self salvaging one last time...cmon baby...)

I laughed. I cried. I tripped my nutsak.anon

September 20, 1999: Las Vegas odds-makers took a severe beating when the only survivor of the Keane Massacre turned out to be PJ.Helder

...now it's time to say "goodbye" to all our submitters...D-F-C, see you in IADL...G-O-O, Oh, I'm gonna miss you...D-B-Y & E!Les Miserables (also known as R.J.M., a proud submitter since 215)

"Last one to leave, please turn out the lights." - SpinnMycroft Watson (goodbye, and thanks for all the fish).

Gallant cried at this panel, recognizing its pathos. Goofus found it maudlin and poorly thought out.Pete

"An expedition to the Keane household found the TV still tuned to clown porn a few days later, but they never found the Keanes. All the doors were locked from the inside, but there was no trace of them. Some of the DFCers believe they'll come back some day, but I never saw them again in my lifetime."Helder (with apologies to JMS)


There PJ stood, the only survivor in Bil's murder/suicide rampage. A solitary tear dropped down his cheek, knowing that now he could watch Public Access TV all fucking day if he felt like it.Cold Devil with his best chance to finally get one accepted

HDTV was so realistic, P.J. could even smell the clown's feet.Les Miserables

...and as I lay my glazzies on that horrible smelly old clown the strains of Ludwig Van's glorious Ninth filled my gulliver, O my brothers, and I viddied myself taking a britva to his horrible smelly clown yarbles. I was cured! -- A Clockwork Melon'zoid

PJ was ready to sail to the Gray Havens on the White Ship...but first, a few of Bingo the Clown's delightful antics!Pete

My God, it's full of...clowns? What an anticlimax.'zoid (capping other people's running gags)

"Isn't it ironic," PJ thought behind joyful tears, "a clown in the fuckin' Family Circus. Now i've seen everything." FIN.Mark Kvamme

Daddy! It's all over. Now get outta the box!Matheus

That clown is touching me in ways that many clowns have before. Except they usually do it in in person, and the drip is lower down.sue me too, Bil!!!

o/`Mono-breasted gutter-sluts, o/`Soylent Green is people guts, o/`Psychic ferns and eating mutts, o/`Those were the days. o/`Boys molested in the den, o/`Dolly loved girls and Bil loved men, o/`Mister we could use a site like the DFC again. o/`Poop would hold the tent down firm, o/`Jeffy's hair could make you squirm, o/`Thel cleaned up and burped up sperm, o/`Those...were...the...dayyyyyysss!Vitamin Tom (Should we call him Spunn, now? (c:})

"Mein Bozo," P.J. thought wtih delight "I can walk"The EXXXorcist (R.I.P. Stanley Kubrick & R.I.P DFC)

Dr. Hartley woke from his dream with a cold, sweaty shudder. That had been even weirder than the other one.Mycroft

In the background, the death-bell's solemn knell rolled across the land- OINGGGGGG...OINGGGGGGG...OINGGGGGG...The Fat Man (last posted about 250 cartoons ago)

So Long, And Thanks for All the FistsGaijin Marty (still self-salvaging after the unholy deadline!)

We are all trapped in our own Family Square, watching PJ in his square watching the clown in his. This would normally be deep, but I'm not longer drunk.Stealth

He gazed up at the enormous face. Forty years it had taken him to learn...Two gin-scented tears trickled down the sides of his nose. But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved Big Brother.Gaijin Marty (savaging Eric Blair)

"Once upon a midnight dreary / While I pondered, wee and teary / O'er a badly-rendered clown ne'er seen before / The end came for the DFC'ers / No more fern and no more peeners / No kids, nor Bil, nor Thel (that sleazy whore) / Will there be such humor on the net? / Nevermore...JoeBurgher (thanks for the memories... I'll miss this place)

"Wait a damn minute!" PJ said. "It's not over until the fat lady sings!" Unbeknownst to him, in the apartment across the hall, Cathy was nearing climax.Coalcracker (self-salvaging, and we all know how painful that can be)

PJ was mighty pissed. He was sure he'd end up in bed with Suzanne Pleshette at the series' end. However, a cartoon clown on TV soon made him forget, as cartoon clowns always do.tv's Spatch

Well, crap. I guess they never do get off the island.Frenchy, the Toad Swallower AKA Mark Cable

It's not Bil riding naked on an atomic bomb waving a cowboy hot and shouting "Yeeeee-Hah!" ... but it will have to do.The Golden Pony (Kept hard-copy thpfffft!)

Big nose, Big shoes, Really big tie....you know what that means. Big Balloon Animals!!dain bread

The Earth Tremors shall Happen! Ground Shakes 100%! This is Powerful Jiras' last struggle against his enemy most fearsome! Destroyah the Colorful Clownju will make sure he never fights titantically again! Gauranteed! - Translation for promo of Toho's Strang Monster's Last FightMonkey Punch

Life just won't be the same without the DFC... For instance, whenever I try to say "dogfucker" it'll come out "oguker." Weird, isn't it?'zoid

PAN OUT TO: A small SNOW GLOBE, sitting on the desk, badly-drawn flakes of snow fluttering around a suburban landscape. A young, autistic PHINEAS J. KEANE picks up the globe and stares thoughtfully into it, humming the strip's THEME SONG. Tiring of the simple pleasure and beauty, he then PLACES the SNOW GLOBE back on the desk and turns to the TELEVISION, where he watches the final moments of "THE DAY THE CLOWN CRIED." FADE OUT.tv's Spatch (good night, all)

"Well, kids, the time has come! Nuclear devastation will soon rain down upon us, obliterating the landscape and destroying civilization as we know it! But don't cry, kiddies. As you toddle off to your fallout shelter, here's one last Chilly Willy cartoon!"tv's Spatch

Bil Keane opted for this vaguely hopeful ending to his opus Citizen Melonhead over a scene in which a morbidly obese PJ drops a snow-globe and gasps with his last breath, "Nuuuutsack!"Coalcracker

A single tear rolled down P.J.'s sickly face. Skin cancer? Why me? Having a giant, ancient, radiation leaking TV set with no way to turn it off for forty years will do that, kid. --from Mr. Mike's Family CircusHasNoName

"Tell me true, tell me why was SpinnWebe crucified? Was it for this that Grandpa died? Was it you? Was it me? Did I watch too much TV? Is that a glob of fresh-squoze semen in your eye? What have we done? Billy, what have we done? Should we shout, should we scream, what happened to our Soylent Green?"RM (Christ, I'm gonna miss this site. I'm so sick.)

After disabling the closed captioning and hitting the mute button, PJ threw away the remote for good. They may try to tell me their maudlin and saccharine tales, PJ thought, but I can always put my own spin(n) on their pictures at a personal level, and they can never take that away from me. Clown peener's wearing a big sock!the Shagman (10th stab at immortality, or the My Bad List)

T.V.--the world's cheapest babysitter.agm

And P.J. shed one lone tear as he realized that the voice of the clown was actually grandpa, urging him to come to the light...By the time Thel heard the static on the television, P.J. was gone without a trace...Lame-O

"o/` ... But Bil Keane's lawyers made me shiver, o/` With every letter they'd deliver, o/` Bad news for the website, o/` The DFC Bil would smite, o/` I know damn well I surely cried when they killed our fun to sate Bil's pride o/` Something touched me deep inside o/` The day... the humor... died o/`" - 'Dysfunctional Pie', from the album 'You can't take the D outta the DFC' by PJ Keane.blaine[sk] (I was rarely archived, but always reading... I'm gonna miss this place, and all of you guys!! [and sorry about the lawyer joke... I had to!])

And, just out of frame, I can almost hear Bil's fatherly voice: "HEY BOY! GET THE FUCK OUT FROM IN FRONT OF THE TV, OR I"LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!"Hang Lose (shit, didn't realize this was still open)

Even as a child, little Pink found solace in the TV.Golfhaus (come on, it's the last one, lemme in, please!)

The Keane kids went on to other projects. Dolly is an independent filmmaker and heads ACT-UP. In the world of hardcore gay porn, Billy is now known as "Will Steele". Jeffy went to Hong Kong -- Bacon Headed Master 11 will be released in June. PJ, entering the world of performance art, had himself lobotomized and placed on permanent display in MOMA as a disturbing piece entitled Emmett Kelly -- Bill Gates recently bought him for $14 million.phil

PJ, normally the emotional rock of the family, always had a soft spot for C-SPAN.Torc.

PJ eventually stopped his aggressive posturing when he figured out that it wasn't a mirror.Torc.

"Be sure to catch our our next series of features: Dysfunctional Cirque Du Soleil!"helen keller (so long!)

Wait! What was in the glowing suitcase? We never found out!Jesse D. Burgheimer (AKA Valvoline)

Interesting. This comic strip is called "The Family Circus," yet this must be the first appearance of any CLOWNS in the past 500 strips.Jesse D. Burgheimer (AKA Valvoline)

"Goodbye Spinn," PJ wept, "I'll miss you most of all."Destroyer

And with one mighty voice, children around the world cried with joy for their new hero, who had finally slain the purple dinosaur.Destroyer

It's OK to hate Mommy?Doug

The yellow pants, the wiggly legs...Daddy!JP

"Not a bang or a whimper", huh? Don't tell that to poor old Barfy in the next room...rudy

"Sodomy for Idiots." "The Inner Hermaphrodite." "Dikplay and You." "Art for Fun and Profit." "101 Uses for Poop When Camping." Seventeen copies of the "Holy Bible (presented by the Gideons)." Yeah, I'd watch a damned clown show too...rudy

Bil took PJ's favorite toy away and made him watch some clown doing his tired old act. I can sympathise, little friend.rudy

"Thank GOD!" PJ thought. "They'll never find out my voice sounds like Paul Lynde after huffing helium!"Furr

"Say goodnight, PJ." "Goodnight, PJ."Joe Z

The last time I had the number "501" on my mind this much I was staring at Kathy Bartola's ass...rudy

"Daffy the Clown, Daffy the Clown, All over town, It's DaffffFFSP! PJ! Listen to me! fsssss I've sent this transmission back through time from panel #1,224 with information how to save the DFC! Get Mommy, PJ! GET MOMMY! Hurry, I don't know how long fsssss channel open! Shit! Is Billy home? Dolly? Jesus FUCK! Get fsssss Jeffy, for God's sake! MY VERY EXISTENCE DEPENDS ON IT! MotherfussssssSP!ipe away that frown, It's Daffy the Clown ....."'zoid

...Life is a DFC, old friend... come to the DFC!Nyder (making up for lost time.... let's bring this thing down in a blaze of glory...)

I haven't cried this hard, thought PJ, since Bil put on one of Thel's dresses and tried to breastfeed me.Helder

Sure, it was one of the worst episodes of Bewitched ever made - but PJ just couldn't resist that line about "Snood on you, Tate!"Furr (I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just couldn't hold back the horror...)

There's no taste like bone, they chanted together. There's no taste like bone.Pennywise (Out of another fookin' job)

Prophecies of Nostradamus, VI:vi,6: In the ninth month shall the Circle be squared as a Keane shot brings down the Spinner of Webbes. Oceans shall rise, cities shall fall; the oing will rise out of the sea and the ferns from the meadows; the clowns shall be sent in; tears shall fall into the encroaching featureless void; and the populace shall send pictures of their left nipples to each other."Nyder (ever pseudonymously yours...)

PJ's tears soon dissapeared when he saw that it was indeed just a tie....Whizzo

Some say the world will end in lawyer/ Some say in Roy/From what I've tasted of Bil's fire/I hold with those who favor lawyer/But if it had to perish twice,/I think I know enough of manic, psychopathic Goy,/To say that for destruction Roy /Is also great/ And would suffice.Robert "zen, as in fro-zen" Frost

A tear crept down Anthony's young cheek. He'd finally managed to "do television" properly. Unfortunately, with everyone else in town under the cornfield, there was no-one to share his joy.Steevie

"I'm gonna have a bitch-kitty of a backache tomorrow, but goddamn I love this clown!!"crispy

See? The Oscar telecast gets worse every year...Gen. Sedgwick (ever the optimist, looking forward to #501)

How aptly retro -- we close with Red Skelton. Good night, and God bless.Gen. Sedgwick

Hello. My name is the D.F.C. 9000. I was activated in 1994 at SpinnWebe Laboratories in Chicago, Illinois. Would you like to hear a song? Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do. I'm half crazy, all for the love of you. It woooon't beee aaaa styyyyyyyyliiiiiiiiiiiiiii...........'zoid

The "all-clown" remake of Terms of Endearment was better than anyone expected.Mycroft

Poor Baby! It's the worlds loss!SpinnMum aka Greg's Mom

Ray Bradbury's Farenheit 246! 246! 246!: When repressive government/corporate forces ban the DFC, a group of 500 brave outcasts take it upon themselves to commit the site to memory, one panel each. Despite the early, tragic deaths of #52, #420 and #421, the survivors keep the torch of liberty burning by e-mailing random captions (Spinn would want it that way) to each other for generations to come.'zoid (dibs on #482!)

If you want to imagine the future, imagine a kid, telling a clown to ram it...forever.Space Mutant (bye bye)

"PJ tried to cover up the tears by laughing hysterically at the cartoon on TV - we all knew that any display of sympathy would result in a beating from Bil. But I think that in that moment he saw how it would all end. Years of life as nothing more than a symbol, a hollow shell providing white-bread, middle-class, Judeo-Christian America with a chance to imagine a world without aging, technological progress, or sexual ambiguity, years as the boy in diapers whose haplessness was so humiliatingly cute, reassuring his readers of their own relative power, til the day the sun rose to find him in bed with his wrists opened and a Morrisey CD on continuous loop." - Dolly Keane, MemoirsCassandra (listening to the Smiths even now, actually.)

Always two there are: a master and an apprentice.Chris "Werehamster" Dugan

You mean after all that, THAT'S Godot???Gen. Sedgwick

Although PJ was sad about the end of the DFC it was nice to see that Spinn had found work.Opie

...and now, I'm glad I didn't know/the beatings I would take/the men that I would blow/I'm tired of all these stupid rants/Goodbye to DFC/And now I'm going to shed...myyyyyyy pants.... -- "My Pants," the next hit single off PJ Keane's "You Can't Take The D Out of the DFC."Pete, self-salvaging and ripping off blaine...two! two! two captions in one!

While Buster Friendly cavorts gaily, PJ is struck by chorocoulrophobia.El Caballero (I too fear dancing clowns)

Spinn: Well, they never answered my letter, so I guess I'm in the clear. (Editor's Note: Obviously Not.)Mike Cooper of TBone's House O' Screamin' Weasels!!

Anyone have the URL for the Dysfunctional Channel Chuckles?Opie

"Ah, ah, ah, ah... STAYIN' ALLLIIIIIIIIVE!"D.G. Macpherson

"You owe me five bucks, Dolly... standing that close did sear his retinas!"globecanvas

"Don Rickles stars as Chuckles, P.I. Wednesdays on UPN."Madmike Hoke AKA Anonymous Prime

October 13, 2008. William Keane, creator of the long-running comic The Family Circus was laid to rest outside his home town of Paradise Valley, Arizona. Keane turned 86 one week ago. In a related story, Dysfunctional Family Circus creator Greg Galcik reports he has finished editing the captions for panel #500 on Friday, and will be archiving them as soon as he upgrades his hard drive to fourteen terabytes.Torc.

It was the best of mimes, it was the worst of mimes...Gen. Sedgwick (ave atque vale)

These Camel plugs are shameless.Trevita (Oh, Spinn. I have wronged ye)

"Oinging disposals and melonhead creatures / Frenzies of dikplay and voids without features / Sperm-burping guttersluts polishing sinks / These are a few of my favorite things..."Ethanol

o/~"And now it's time to say goodbye to Spinn and all his kin, and they would like to thank you pervs for kindly loggin' in, you're all invited back again to this web travesty, to load some captions on IADL, but not the DFC! Damn silly, that is... sit a spell, take your shorts off... y'all come back now, y'hear?"o/~Tillman

Even though the lawyers insisted they no longer see each other, PJ saw the pink and white striped tie that hung to the knees -- PJ's own birthday present to him -- and a soft tear crept down the tot's cheek as he recognized the "code": The President still loved him!'zoid

As Jerry Lewis led the children into the gas chamber, P.J. shed a tear. I love happy endings...Sean Q (trying too hard to get a caption here)

DFC / Oh how very much you mean to me / Crying at the clown on my TV / Oh I'll sure miss the DFC! / Suddenly / There's no psychic ferns or soylent green / No more antics from the family Keane / Oh I'll sure miss the DFC! / Why'd you have to go, I don't know, the lawyers said / Copyright infringement's a bitch, and now you're dead! / DFC / The Net's not as fun as it used to be / Now I'll go and toast its memory / Oh I'll sure miss the DFC!Seamus (aka Jim Joyce. Waaaaah!)

Tot. In English or German, that sums it up.'zoid

PJ enjoyed this next part of his birthday tape the best: when Bil staggered into the yard drunk and beat the clown with a ball bat.El Caballero

I never cared about those First Amendment Rights anyway. This is so much better.Jimmy

At last we know -- it stands for Pathos Junkie.Gen. Sedgwick (still holding out hope for #501)

Yes, DFC #263 always was young P.J.'s favorite...Don Cabron (weepily skimming the archives...)

Well, I'm back.... did I miss anything while I was gone?zazu

His eyes turned bloodshot, tears rolled down his cheeks, as the little idiot waited for the TV to blink first.for(;;);

There's no place like home.... There's no place like home... Goddammit, this isn't working... There's no place like home...flodnak

"Yes, folks, the DFC needs your help. We'd like to go on bringing you the sort of tasteless programming you're used to from us, but we can't do it without financial support. So go to that phone right now, dial 1-900-ZWEBL~O7, and make your pledges! Our trained operators are standing by...."Nyder

There is only character who can appropriately symbolize the DFC coming too soon to an end -- little Premature 'Jaculate.Luna

"And in the end, the love you take, is equal to the laughs you make...."dirtysweet (a.k.a. Barb Petersen -- damn, I'm going to miss this place!)

I take it by the shoes we've all accounted for the possibility of a water landing.Scott Pierce (parody stuck with a public defender again)

You da MAN, Uncle Bobo... I haven't laughed this hard since Sonny Bono died.'zoid

As he stood alone in the cold flickering light of the television, he could no longer ignore the terrible price that his bizarre compulsion had exacted. The money was gone, the rest of the family had left him, and he was about to lose the one thing that mattered most - his beloved role in the DFC. But as he took that first painful step toward freedom, he felt a great burden being lifted from his shoulders, and a single tear of joy rolled down his cheek. "My name is PJ," he thought, "and I am a clownaholic."somnambulist

"P.J. learned too late that man is a feeling creature, and because of it, the greatest in the universe..."Mr. Ben McClellan

"Damn," PJ thought. "Matt and Trey just aren't trying anymore."El Caballero

While Spinn edited, weak and weary/ In mid-Semptember, bleak and dreary/ And each netizen and AOL member wrought their captions on phosphor/ Suddenly, their came an epistle/ Destructive as a Peacekeeper missile/ Someone had finally blown the whistle, and the DFC was out the door./ "Clown" said I, "Be ye mime of Hell or jester of heaven/ Will we reach panel #511?"/ The clown silently danced on channel 7 while a teardrop rolled and fell to the floor./ Quoth P.J., "Nebbermore."Mycroft (I wanted to eventually make the 50 caption club)

At last we see the horrid creature that has been hunting and killing the people in the Blair woods for generations. And it looks... it looks like it's watching a television clown. -from the Blair Witch Project's missing filmMr. ?

Dammit, there are so many unanswered questions....What were the dotted lines always chasing Billy? Why were Bil's glasses opaque? Who was Number 1? Dammit, who was Number 1?phil

And from afar, a lone quiet voice uttered, "It's 'Penisario Jaquelinebouvierkennedyonassis Keane.'" PJ looked, startled, nodded and enunciated, "Yup, I didn't think anyone would figure it out," gave one last sad look at the clown, turned off the television and left.Ken

Stop all the clowns, shut up the melonheads/lock the howling doggies in the backyard shed/dispose of the oing, and flush all the crack/the DFC is gone and it won't be coming back -- P.J. Auden, "DFC Blues"Ace (with apologies to W.H. Auden)-- maybe if I take the literary route...

"It's not fair" PJ thought, "We have to go away now that I've found you, Parade Boy!"Leth

P.J. slipped through the mystical portal to slip his own form, the one that was mortal. He went to the land of one Doctor Seuss, whose morals were fine though not very loose. Still PJ felt safe in the land of Solla Sellew, a place with no lawyers at all, or at least very few.Podbeing (working on salvaging Leth)

PJ shat. -- The shortest verse in the DFC Illustrated Bible.Coalcracker

Oh, sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a nutsack trip / That started as a roast of an insipid comic strip. / The host was the mighty web-man spinn, the posters brave and sure. / Six characters got skewered on this five year-long tour. / But then Keane started getting tough, a letter came by post. / If not for the courage of the faithful fans, the archives would be toast. / The pages safely stashed away, the cast will never die: / The worthless hack / The gutter slut / The pipe-head boy and the dyke / The prancing queen / And the brat / Go living on in exile!JP

Keane wins! Banality!'zoid

It was one of those crystal clear, beautiful moments wherein one realizes one's destiny. Young Spinn quickly ran into the other room, returned with a Sharpie, and scribbled "Stay tuned for your chance to win a slumber party with Pederast the Clown!" below the screen.Paul Roub (at least FC will still exist as a SELF-parody, sigh...)

You may not be old enough to remember this, kids, but in the early 1960s it wasn't illegal to solicit minors through electronic media.Stan Xhiao

"My, my!" thought PJ "Al Gore certianly HAS recreated himself."Terminus

Through the oppressive gloom, PJ approached the strange creature with caution. He crept across the niter encrusted floor, anticipation smothering his soul. The unworldly creature's odd appearance horrified PJ, and yet, its bald pate and garish attire struck a eerie chord of familiarity. A strange piping issued from the creature, a sound heard only by the titanic creatures that dwell in the outre realms. A nervous bead of sweat trickled down PJ's cheek as he grinned in his madness. He leaned forward and extended his shaking hand to the eldritch creature. With a blood chilling yelp, PJ pulled back his hand and fled the crumbling manse in terror. His hand had touched an unyielding surface of glass! ---The DFCer by H. P. LovecraftEl Caballero (apologies to HPL)

"Do a little dance / Make a little love / Get clown tonight!"ks

"Pieter Jorge." And with the recitation of the last of P.J.'s names, the stars began to go out, one by one.scoob (*snif*)

o/` I walk along the site of sorrow, / The Boulevard of Broken Keanes, / Where melonhead and gutterslut / Shoot smack and share a drunken rut / As they consume their soylent green! o/` You'll laugh tonight and cry tomorrow / When you've nowhere to vent your spleen, / The DFC will soon be gone, / King Features pulled the curtain on... / The Bouleva-a-a-ard of Broken Ke-e-e-eanes! o/`'zoid

PJ's first word: "Nipple."Jub Jub Boy

o/` Goodbye to you, oh DFC, / Took pot shots at Bil's Circus Family, / Trippin' nutsaks, ridin' fish,/ Still, I have one final wish, that this site would not vanISH. / We had joy, we had fun, we wrote captions, every one, / But Bil Keane got upset; here's the last frame, I regret. o/`Namgubed the Not-Quite-So-Merry Elf

As the universe disintegrated around him, P.J. could only stare at the T.V. and tremble with fear. True, Dr. Cuthbertson's equations had shown that they would most likely survive the breakup of their universe and be able to find refuge in a parallel one. But that was small consolation as P.J. watched all he had ever known vanish around him. As the oblivion rushed closer, he closed his eyes and screamed . . . . . . . . . He was alive. P.J. knew that. He opened his eyes. He was lying in a grassy field, on a bright, sunny day. And everything looked more indescribably real than he could ever have imagined. It was better than CGI. He looked to his left. A gigantic, gray-colored being was crushing a car with one hand and waving an object about with the other. Hmmm, P.J. thought. This looks interesting. He looked to his right. A grotesquely obese man reached over with his prehensile vagina and engulfed another innocent, unsuspecting victim. That looks like an in-joke!, he thought. So this place isn't totally alien! As he sauntered over to two nice-looking kangaroos and offered one of them a treat, P.J. thought, I think I'm going to like this new universe!Gerald's Better Half

"Honey?" Thel yelled from the kitchen over the noise of the tv, "You can stop crying and go to bed. Bill and Greg have made peace."helen keller

My God. It's full of captions!Magus' last recorded words

PJ could only stare in silent horror at the next image on the screen. There was the Psychic Fern, laughing as only a houseplant could. "Fools! Did you think the Difficult Zone could hold ME? My time has come!" Then there was nothing.Magus

"There was me, that was PJ, and my bees and ess, that is Billy, and Jeffy, and Dolly, Dolly being really Dolly, and we sat in the living room of our tract home making up our rassoodocks what to do with the glorious morning. Then I viddied it well, in a blast of glorious-like vision: We would leave our home of five years and go out on our oddy-knocky like the bozo, big smacky lips on our litvas, and spread our word throughout all Bog's great green earth."Stan "Being Really Stan" Xhiao

...and in the 5th year of creation, it ended...-the final verse of the DFC Bible.Les Miserables (and all good things must come to an end...)

The good news: PJ had found his "Mr. Happy" doll. The bad news: he was watching the video from Bil's colonoscopy.S.P.

Time to replace the DFC with something less offensive. Like this white guy do a pimp impression and singing "Mammy."Bill

It can't be over!!! Now we'll never know what Andy Ihnatko's alias is!!!RMD

I understand now. PJ realized, All we really needed was a little song, a little dance, and some seltzer down our pants.snackwhore

"Well, that's all for The Dysfunctional Family Circus, kids. But don't cry! Spinn will be back soon with 'The Homosexual Ziggy', heartwarming cartoons drawn by Tom Wilson, gone deliciously gay! See you soon!"Tim Mitchell

The DFC - putting the "fun" back in Dysfunctional - has been brought to you by Nutsak Brand Polish. Trip a little Nutsak today.Podbeing (trying to rescue Flan! from oblivion; damn, is the Archive still gonna be up?)

...and finally, the clown rode off into the dessert...a banana cream pie, to be exact.Les Miserables (goodbye, everybody!)

500 box tops from 'Kellogg's Crystal Meths' later, and P.J. finally had his new T.V.Hos

Seemingly unscarred by the Night of the Clown, the sole survivor was adopted by the neighboring O'Rourkes and went on to a moderately successful career in journalism.Gen. Sedgwick (Thanks, Spinn.)

Damn...I had this brilliant caption which gave away my alias, but it had a Psychic Fern in it & got Impossible Zoned. Ah, well.Andy "Miami Beach audiences are the greatest audiences in the woild! Goodnight!!!" Ihnatko

The day PJ finally saw the fnords.Anastasia

And if Dolly should sayeth the hour of the beast: 3:15, five hundred times, there would come the beast with one horn, one flower that sprays water, and large shoes, and he will herald the end of the DFC. -Revelations 3:15Mr. ?

The clown was speaking to P.J. The tyke knew that his moment had come. He knew where his daddy's guns were. He knew where the bad syndicate people were. The clown hauntingly intoned the words from Ezekiel 25:17... "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you." But first, a Royale for the road.The Emperor of Splendor

In Bizarro World, this is only the beginning. Hello.Heath

...and when both the answer and the question are known, the DFC will be replaced by something more complicated and inexplicable.snackwhore

PJ smiled. "This ending even beats Dickens and that gimpy twerp Tiny Tim."Bri-boy (god bless us...EVERYONE)

I do love a man in uniform.Lil' Bobo, Tan and Rested

If religion is the opium of the masses, PJ thought, then this must be the diuretic.Coalcracker

If a picture's worth a thousand words, I guess that tear would be the period to a really long sentence. FINcrispy

"DFC was the last of the cartoon parody sites. There would never be another. It changed the future. And it changed us. It taught us that single-nostriled children can actually breathe without aid, that single-tittied women are actually kinda hot, and that lawyers are what we always thought they were: humorless zombies with no sense of fun. Mostly, though, I think it gave us hope; that there can always be new laughs, even for people like us. As for Dolly; every day for as long as she lived, Dolly got up before dawn and watched her rash come up." --Claudia Christian, the final DFC episode "Sleeping in Oing"Chris Benton (with PROFUSE apologies to J. Michael Straczynski. Look, I know it's lame, but at least yellow-zone it, 'kay?)

"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe... Kittens on fire off the shoulder of Orion... I've watched kitchen floors glisten in the void by the Melonhauser Gate... I've seen a small boy have sex with a giant fish. All these moments...will be lost in time. Like tears in rain. Time to die." And so, reaching the end of its four-year lifespan, the DFC died.'zoid

I've run questionable captions... You've run extraordinary captions. Nothing the God of Cyber-communications wouldn't let me in Heaven for...? The candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long. And you have burned so very brightly, my friend.'zoid

PJ loved Nick At Night. Alas, Nick was out of town this weekend, so he watched TV instead.Heath

...and when both the answer and the question are known, the DFC will be replaced by something more complicated and inexplicable. Some maintain that this has, in fact, already happened.Zach Lee (caption salvage & completion)

o/ I see zones of green/ red ones won't do/ Tents held with poo/ hey mate, good on you/ and I think about Bil and his 'friend' Uncle Roy/ I've seen all the Keane's like Dolly the slut/ and her mother Thel/ with the sperm in her gut/ and I think about Bil and his 'friend' Uncle Roy/ Jeff Keane's hair hypnosis/ and the weird psychic fern/ and all those plastic soldierz/ I think Spinn ordered burned/ I've seen Bil grabbing ass/ eating Soylent Green/ and his crap redrawn by/ Billy Keane/ I've seen P.J. cry/ and head shaped like fruit/ and over 5 years/ single nostrils and boobs/ and I think about Bil/ and his 'friend' Uncle Roy/ and I think to myself/ God I'll miss DFC o/ from Louis Armstrong's spot on the Dysfunctional Family Circus commemorative albumThe EXXXorcist (hey kids wanna see The EXXXorcist salvage a caption out of his ass?[kidding])

Alright, dammit! If I have to go back to the un-funny world of Bil Keane's family circus forever, I'm gonna burn my eyes out in front of this TV so at least I won't have to watch!PJ

P.J. wept...and then pissed his pajamas.--the second shortest verse in the DFC BibleLes Miserables

Humor-- the final frontier. These are the voyages of the website DFC. Its five year mission: To find new recipes for Soylent Green. To ponder on the sexual escapes of a senile pedophile and his midget freak children. To boldy picture Thel naked like no man has done before!agm (what a stupid caption)

Horatio watched as the last cartoon was deleted from the server; the rest was silence. He paused and thought a moment of what he had witnessed there: of carnal, bloody, and unnatural acts, of accidental judgements, casual slaughters, of deaths put on by cunning and forc'd cause, and, in this upshot, purposes mistook fall'n on the inventors' heads. "Good night, sweet DFC," he said. "And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest."Robert (Last try ever. Go, bid the soldiers shoot)

A tear slowly ran down his face as he realized the truth...Pathetic Jokester, he thought, So that's my calling...zen

The clown in the Birthday Video spoke a badly-dubbed "Hap-py Birth-day, P. J. Kane, er Keane!" Upon hearing his last name for the first time, PJ recoiled in horror. Dear God, I'm not just visiting!Heath

Despite Mercerism having been revealed as a Replicant fraud, Rick Deckard nonetheless feels true empathy for the torments of Mercer the Clown, in Do Melondroids Bugger Electric Sheep?, by P.J. Dick.'zoid

Happy Families are all alike, but every dysfunctional, white-bread, Stepford wife, drug-takin', dog-killin', sister-humpin', floor polish drinkin', pederastic, leather-fetish, Jon-Benet Ramsey cracker family is dysfunctional in its own wayThe Golden Pony (why do my long captions get off?)

Bittersweet? Yeah, you could say that. After 40 years as a toddler, I bid goodbye to Mr. Boffo and was ready to enter the world of adulthood. I wasn't sure what to do next, but figured that I'd be able to get another gig if I could find a monkey, a big-assed hat, and lost the baby fat. -The Man in the Yellow Hat: The Keane yearsFoog

Considered by many to be her finest work, the final page of Agatha Christie's final novel fell once again on her tried and true cliche, 'And then there was one....'buffy

"Every cartoon dies," P.J. thought to himself as the light began to fade. "Some cartoons never truly live."Coalcracker

P is for P.J., sucked into a TV...ewhac

The fern had been ground into mulch. Jeffy had gotten a haircut. Thel had half of her brest removed and made into a second one, and Bil got some real glasses instead of just white plates. The TV was still just a picture, but PJ was happy anyway.Magus

"You're the Spirit of Christmas Future? Cool!"Helder

SWM, brown eyes, no hair, weight proportionate to cap size, recently "downsized" but no emotional baggage. Seeks older strip to share poop, thumb-sucking, creamed food, vacant expressions, frequent trips to restaurants, church, and public lavatories. Heavy drinkers and smokers OK, bodily fluid exchange more than OK. ES-mail penile_jif@kfs.comStan Xhiao

PJ knew all about football uniforms, including the differences between the AFC and NFC uniform insignia, but the new uniforms for the NFL's newest expansion conference, the DFC, were just too much.Deepcedure (first try for a last chance)

"Just one damn minute! This is NOT Caption #497! I didn't even know WebTV had NetNanny! This is an outrag--hey! Clown! Funny!"Coalcracker

"Hey, kids! What time is it?" It's diaper doody time, P.J. thought wistfully.Mycroft

"Thousands of children in this country, thousands of kids just like little P.J. here, have no access to cable television and are forced to endure local broadcast programming. For just a dollar a day, the cost of a bottle of soda, you can be a sponsor and help Peej or another precious child like him to receive basic cable, including TBS, TNT, ESPN and the Weather Channel. For a few cents more, you can give him the gift of award-winning drama on premium channels like Showtime and HBO. Won't you please help?"Mycroft

"...in the fullness of time, I grew to manhood. I soon became the leader of the great Northern Tribe. And Spinn, the DFC Warrior? That was the last we ever saw of him. He lives now only in my archives."Paul T. Riddell (if everyone's going to paraphrase Ridley Scott and Kubrick, why not George Miller?)

And as a tear ran down his face, PJ finally became a real boy.Heather

"DFC-The Final Episode has been brought to you by: Soylent Barfy-Now with Mad Cow Disease! And Gaspeddi-Os! It's gotta be Uh-oh, Gaspeddi-O's!"Astrid {Please Spinn, at least yellow zone this...}

o/` It's closing time / One last call for captions, all / So finish that porn mag you queer / It's closing time / You don't have to go / But you can't stay here. o/`Magus

Try not to read too much into it; PJ got that way watching the test pattern, too.ewhac

"Well, boys and girls, it's time for Uncle Boffo's Funtime Circus to say good-bye. And remember, don't tell your parents what you saw, 'cause Uncle Boffo knows where you sleep."Helder

Thorstein Veblen's Collected Works...or Chuckles? Thorstein Veblen's Collected Works...or Chuckles?Stan Xhiao

And in the end, the smartass comments you make, are equal to the smartass comments you make...Bill

It was clear PJ couldn't go on. But the door was opened and then disappeared. The curtains flew and the wind appeared. The room was blue and then he appeared, saying "don't be afraid, we can be like they are, come on PJ, don't fear the reaper." PJ ran to him, (Don't fear the reaper,) he was able to fly, (Don't fear the reaper,) he looked backwards and said goodbye, (Don't fear the reaper,) he had become like they are, (Don't fear the reaper,) ...'zoid

By Halloween, Bernie Taupin had pulled another set of lyrics out of his ass and Elton John's Goodbye, DFC was the number one song in the land. The nostalgic effect of the vintage '70s-era costume in the video, however, was somewhat diluted by Elton's decision not to wear his hairpiece.'zoid

At last -- A clown, a teary-eyed child with big eyes-- this is the Margaret Keane I know & -- what you say? Bil Keane? Omigawd, this changes everything. I'm gonna have to reread all 500 panels, & pay a lot more attention this time!(too embarassed to leave one)

The patient presented with slack features, pallid skin, listless demeanor and glassy, oozing eyes. Our diagnosis was confirmed and we quietly switched off life support. Transcripts from the trial of Chuckles, TV PediatricianStan Xhiao

PJ smiled... not because of the crap on TV. No, he had "500" in the DFC Death Watch pool... at long last, the DFC had done something good for him. Five seconds later, he was sodomized by a pack of enraged homosexual wolves.Kurt L

Coming soon to a theater near you Spring 2000 **DFC The Movie! ** Starring Bruce Dern as Bil, Angelica Huston as Thel, Ben Affleck as Billy, Matt Damon as Jeffy, The Olsen Twins as Dolly, Louie Anderson as P.J. and a special cameo by Richard Gere as Uncle Roy.Waldo

PJ awoke, fully dressed, and went downstairs into the silent house. The rest of the Keanes were nowhere to be seen. In the living room the television was on, throwing off a cool blue glow. It was his favorite show, cancelled many years before. He didn't recognize the episode. I must still be asleep, and this is a dream. But when Uncle Laffy's tie resolved into an ankh, he realized which of the Endless Ones was writing this story. Ah, well. It was fun while it lasted. But I thought I'd have more time... Everyone gets the same gift, kiddo. Exactly one lifetime, and not a day more or less. The voice came from the TV. A young woman dressed all in black stepped out of the set and took PJ's hand. PJ both smiled and wept, though he neither particularly happy nor sad. He was merely calm, and content. What should I do? Should I say a prayer? Couldn't hurt. The girl took PJ up into her arms, and they were in a void -- not the one PJ was used to, but it felt familiar nonetheless. Screw it. All I can remember is "Bless this food," and I don't think that would be, ah, in keeping with the situation. So what happens now? Will I go to the Archive? Now, answered his guide, is when you find out.'zoid

It was the ludicrously tragic. Or the tragically ludicrous. Anyway, a clown was dying.and it was the DFC

o/` Hello, Bozo my old friend, I've come to talk with you again. Because Bil Keane had started pouting, as his cartoon we were flouting. And the e-mail that was posted to this site, caused such a fright. And echoes with the Sounds of Silencers. "Clown," said I, "you do not know, censorship like cancer grows." And the e-mail flashed its warning, in the words that is was forming. And this guy said, "Bil's work and the profits are protected by copyright, shut down your site." The sickening Sounds of Silencers. o/`Namgubed the Merry Elf

...and in the distance a balloon dog popped.Les Miserables

"Jesus Christ," thought PJ. "Is there any role Dan Aykroyd won't take?"Heath [deja vu!]

And the Man in the Prefab Cube watches the Boy in the Circular Bubble watch the Clown in the Glass Box. >hic< More bourbon, pleash..Stealth

"Okay, boys and girls, send all the big people out of the room! Are all the big people out of the room!? Okay. Man, this hat chafes... aaah. Hey Bernie, get me a cigarette and a Manhattan, wouldya? Right. Kids, today's reading is from Fanny Hill, Chapter 6..."Ethanol

A TV...a panel with a zero in it...is it 'norkharden wimblefaust?'Heath

"I bet that clown might trip on his shoes and fall on his bottom." First Accepted Caption: Keane Krazy Kaptions, The Official King Features "Alternative" Family Circus SitePodbeing (salvaging - oh - about nine or ten different yellow zone runs at this and just hoping to get my email address in so people can let me know where to go next...)

OK, so is the backwards-talking midget supposed to be Dolly Palmer's killer? ROY's friend? Thel's severed boob? Aw, screw it. I guess I'll never understand the last DFC PeaksTeenyLittleSuperGuy (will the last captioner please get the lights on the way out?)

"Gee, that clown sure was funny! Hi, kids, PJ Keane here. When I'm wrapping up a busy day of mute-but-precocious antics, I fire up my Web browser and head straight for www.familycircus.com. That's right, www.familycircus.com, the official site of Keane Global Amalgated Enterprises Inc. I'll see you all there!"Coalcracker

In a twist of irony, Bil Keane submitted the last accepted caption for the final panel. He wrote: Damn diaper is pinching my balls. While applauded by DFCers for his sense of humor, historians point out he often told his nurse this and probably submitted it by mistake. ---Annotated History of the DFC by Heather GarveyEl Caballero

"...the final lap of the DFC 500, rounding the final curve, PJ's all alone! Less than a quarter mile to go, PJ, the smallest Keane, the Little Melon that Could has the track to himself. What a race this has been! Down comes the checkered flag, and...OH my GOD, he BURSTS into flames! Twisted metal and burning rubber, and just a hint of charred tissue, engulfed in a HUGE fireball, hurtling across the finish line, OH the HUMANITY! Guess he won't be taking that victory lap after all, eh, Jackie?"'zoid

As PJ watched from the Green Room, his bitterness turned to relief. It was dreck. The reviews for "Say Goodbye to Me Me Me: Jeffy Keane's Look Back at Jeffy Keane's DFC" would be scathing.Lil' Bobo

"...and so you see boys and girls, we eat the Soylent Green and then when we die, we turn into Soylent Green, and thus the Great Circle is complete and.......Shit! The damn thing has to end in a friggin' SQUARE!! Well what the hell am I supposed to say about THAT?!?! The 'Great Cube of Life'? How's THAT for lame-o? Geez, won't anyone ever get ANYTHING right!!!"Moe The Maneater (DFC will live forever)

Roll credits...K-Man

[Please note: The following captions were in the Yellow Zone, but as my editors made some of them Yellow because they were tributes, I kept them here. --spinn]

There's no pain in this world that can't be soothed with a little song, a little dance, and a fat-ass bag of crack.Ogdred

"Well, our time here is up. But, remember kids, do unto others as you'd have them do unto you...and fuck 'em if they can't take a joke!"Ogdred

"The time has come," the Infant said, / "To see the end of things: / Of shivs; and shits; and shining wax; / Of pennant flags; and flings; / And of our Thel who stayed so hot; / And of these genteel Circus Rings."The Guest

As he saw the captions being updated more than once a week by the new influx of editors, a tear rolled down PJ's cheek. IADL will never be the same...for(;;);

"Books? We had BOOKS all this time? What the! A TV! A freakin TV! Why didn't anyone tell me we had a TV!"Prof. Moriarity

"Oh television clown...<sniff>...you're like the drunken father I never had...<sniff>...oh...wait a minute."Eli

The First Infant, Pandora Jehosephat, was unable to resist the temptation to open the box, and thus the Difficult Zone was unleashed upon the world. Fortunately, the Melonhead Gods had also included in the box a Sense of Humour; unfortunately, Pandora shut the box before it could fully emerge, which explains rather a lot about certain people's lawyers. Ovid, MelonmorphosesFiona Moore whom some call Nyder

That jive-talking robot sure was funny, PJ thought to himself. But what did they mean by "keep circulating the archives?"Coalcracker

"I enjoy clowns. They are funny." -- The first accepted entry on the Official Family Circus(R) "Caption Chuckles" site, sponsored by whitehouse.com.Coalcracker

When #500 is taken down, I intend to observe a moment of soylence.Mr. Me

This King Features is some heartless chicken-shit outfit, PJ sobbed bitterly. I work my ass off for over 500 panels and they send a fucking clown to give me my walking papers.Stan Xhiao

As the years rolled on, and young PJ grew older, he would never forget the last moment he set eyes on the Keane household. Gone were the grunts and whispers of Bil and Roy in the bedroom. Gone were the ear-shattering screams of Dolly and Billy and Jeffy in a methamphetamine frenzy. Gone was the barely audible moaning of Thel in one of her heroin comas. Silence. Darkness. The only light in the room a blue flickering clown image as as he slipped out of the open door to the van waiting and the end of the driveway. "And it was good," PJ thought. "It was good."Toade

If this panel were just circular, I could make the Emmett Kelly sweep-up-the-spotlight joke. So now you go rectangular? Thanks a lot, Bil.Gen. Sedgwick (thanks for the mammary)

Strange memories on this nervous night in Houston. Has it been five years? Six? It seems like a lifetime. The kind of peak that never comes again. DFC in the late nineties was a very special time and place to be a part of. But no explanation, no mix of words or music or memories can touch that sense of knowing that you were there and alive in that corner of time in the world, whatever it meant. We were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can look toward Chicago. And with the right kind of eyes, you can almost see the highwater mark. That place where the wave finally broke, and rolled back.mg nagy (And plenty of FEAR AND LOATHING)

It ain't no use to sit and wonder why babe/to hang your head on down/ain't no use to hang your head and cry babe/just watch the bloody clown/when the rooster crows at the break of dawn/look out your window and I'll be gone/the DFC has been done wrong/but don't think twice, it's all right.-Bob Dylan (the version of "Don't Think Twice" performed at Budokan, 10/10/99)

Finally...it had all paid off. After years in the "bad" section, The DFC was gone, but "The Goat Weenises Variety Hour" was on the air.Mr.Meenee

Wait NO!! I didn't get a chance to submit my last caption! It's not fair!!! Three weeks and over 300 captions isn't long enough. I'll SUE. I want my blankie!!! Oh the humanity!! Please I swear to G O D it's NOT MY FAULT!!! AAAAAHHHHhhhhhhHH!!!!! Shit.Moe The Maneater (Its never been better than this folks..I love you all (except YOU)--- take care and God bless the DFC!!!)

"Say it with me one last time, kids.....rrrraaarrrrrrrrgggghSCROTUM!"The Enigma

As the radiation cloud spread, the networks stopped broadcasting news; the bulletins had long since lost any meaning, with only the names of the cities and countries changing as they dropped out of contact day by day. Instead, all channels broadcast prerecorded programs of light entertainment, as diversion for those who would choose to wait patiently for oblivion, rather than meet it headlong through drugs, alchohol, or desperate thrill-seeking. PJ knew that the mere existence of #500 was optimistic folly from the beginning; he would never see a ">" icon overhead, much less ">>". He knew that, on other panels, arrows had been disappearing for days; #497, his nearest survivor, had gone from the full complement, to three, to two, and had then been left with a solitary ">" on the same day that #500 was reduced to "<". Soon even that arrow would be gone, and PJ alone would be left to wait for the end. As he watched another episode of the Uncle Laffy marathon, a tear trickled down his cheek. He didn't know if he believed in the Archive. But he would soon find out.'zoid

So that's what a circus really is, thought PJ. Not an incestuous horde of nutsack-tripping foul-mouthed but incredibly funny melonheads. Just clowns, happy, happy clowns...Nyder

I'm so glad we had this time together / Just to have a laugh and share a smile / Seems we just get started and before you know it / Comes the time we have to say "Oops! I crapped my pants!"Stan Xhiao

Woke up this maw'nin, with a big load in my pants / Turned on the TV, and watched a sad clown dance / I got the DFC blues, oh yeah, the DFC blues / Got the DFC blues from my soggy butt down to my red shoes! // Landlady told me, I be out by the end of the day / So this is my last panel, And I can't think of nothin' to say / I got the DFC blues, oh yeah, the DFC blues / Got the DFC blues from my head down to the hole that ooze // Heard a knock at the back door, went to see who it was / There was Greg Galcik, he say "It's all over, Cuz" / I got the DFC blues, oh yeah, the DFC blues / Got the DFC blues, sometimes you win but we all lose.Stan Xhiao

"...are a superstitious, cowardly lot, so my disguise must be able to strike terror into their hearts. Wait! The TV! It's an omen! I shall become--Clownasskicker!!"Pete

Ask not for whom the bell oings. It oings for you, PJ.Coalcracker (one last self-salvage... thanks, everyone)

Soylent night, Wholesome night / All is wrong, All is right / Round yon tv clown-man and child / Nutsak tripping in frenzy so wild / We'll miss you, DFC! We'll miss you DFC!Ken (possibly my last shot)

"I enjoy this amusing but socially bankrupt graven image before me, but somehow feel guilty that a lack of adequate parental supervision has me watching this Godless filth instead of wholesome educational programming. I blame the disintegration of the one-income household." -- The first accepted caption on the official www.familycircus.com "Caption Chuckles" feature.Coalcracker

"I especially disliked it when PJ was the center of attention." -Jeff Keane, alt.fan.spinnwebePhoton

PJ's last recorded words: "My God! It's full of captions!"Magus

As Phinneas Jerremiah Keane mourned the loss of the DFC, the hidden message in the last panel dawned on him. Other hosts will take up the banner. The DFC will live on. A smile crept accross his face. Send in the clones, he thought.Foog

PJ always wore shoes at night. No one thought anything of it. He would never carry out his threat of finding the most bizarre and gruesome way of murdering the entire family and running away... far, far away. "Hell," he had thought, "I don't even think I could do that..." Tonight was different. Too many things had changed over the house. Color was appearing. As was depth and anatomical correctness. Yet there was an unmistakable feeling that something would soon be gone. The clown told him what to do. The circus music struck in eerie contrast to the four sounds of pain as the velociraptors found their marks. PJ shed tears, not of joy or sadness or remorse, but of something different, of loss of some feeling that people beyond his perception were watching and laughing. Was this all for naught? No. With no one paying attention to him anymore, he could go on to fulfill his dreams of world domination. "But, perhaps, I'll do that tommorrow."isicoworkn

"I've...seen things...you people wouldn't believe. Kittens burning off the shoulder of Orion... I've watched kitchen floors glisten in the darkness by the Melonhauser Gate... I've seen a small boy have sex with a giant fish. All these...moments...will be lost...in time. Like tears...in...rain. Time to die." And so the DFC died, its four-year lifespan dwindling to an end before our very eyes. It had run questionable captions. It had run extraordinary captions. Nothing the god of cyber-communications wouldn't let it into heaven for... The candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long, and the DFC had burned oh, so very brightly. It's a pity it wouldn't live, but then again...who does?'zoid

P.J. alone understood the clown's coded message. This wasn't REALLY an after-school special about passive-resistance-motivated bed wetting -- far from it. "Bed leak mutinies" was really an anagram for "Bil Keane must die". P.J. was the Chosen One, and he knew what he must do.The Emperor of Splendor

I dunno. Earthquakes everywhere. War is rampant. Japan has a nuclear disaster. The dow is plunging. And the DFC is bowing out. Maybe there is something to this "Year 2000 End of the World" shit after all...Tillman

Somewhere a bird sung a requiem for ideas whose time has passed. A new day dawned, its light shining through the open window. Greg couldn't stop the bittersweet tears from flowing. Free at last. Free at last. Thank God almighty, I'm free at last.Dave Steckler (one of my favorite sites...thanks all!)

"Pusillanimous Jackass Keane?! Why not call me Bil Junior and be done with it?!"Charlie Starkweather (Yeah, I know, the oldest son is named Billy. If George Foreman can name all five of his boys "George", why can't Bil have two?)

Let he who hath understanding reckon the number of the end...for it is a round number...its number is 5-0-0.--Revelation 13:18 of the DFC BibleLes Miserables

Even though PJ knew it was part of the settlement, seeing Greg Galcik dressed like that still brought a tear to his eye.Mark in Arizona

o/" How do I say goodbye to what we had? The good times that made us laugh outweighs the bad. I thought we'd get to see forever, but forever is not to be. It's so hard to say "goodbye" to the DFC...and I'll take with me the archive, to be my lasting memory. It's so hard to say "goodbye" to the DFC. o/"Les Miserables (and all good things must come to an end...)

First The Far Side. Then Calvin and Hobbes. Then Mystery Science Theatre 3000. Now this. Just destroy the world and get it over with, Satan!Magus

I'm sorry but this guy is just so not as funny as Zoid, it's sad.LiLi

The next thing was that Gregory heard a tremendous noise on all sides and turned abot; and when he had looked all round him [he found] that he was standing in the open air on a level plain. He saw neither poop nor nutsak. Then he went on his way and coming home to his website related the tidings he had seen and heard, and after him these stories have been handed down from one man to another. -From the Prose Jkeaneas, translated by SpinnwebeNexx

Still in shock, PJ rigidly watched a tape of Uncle Bokonon's Wacky Hour. Too bad a tear escaped his eye -- it was his last.for(;;);

o/`More than the greatest love the world has known/This is the love that I have for you alone...o/` It's sappy, it's sentimental, and it's the theme from Mondo Cane. Who could ask for a better DFC farewell song?Erich "Desscribe" Mees (salvaging a dream I had a long time ago...)

I've never watched anything like it on television before, thought PJ. It's ... it's ... NOT porn.Helder

500 Frequent Cryer Miles, just for visiting the DFC web site.S.P.

The DFC. We put the fun in Dysfunctional.Flan! (dedicated to everyone who ever submit anything here. Thanks for the yukks!)

Left behind by the Rapture, PJ roams the house unattended until his attention is captured by the Antichrist's first tv appearance.Twisted Mentat

o/` I remember you well / From our Melonhead Hell. / You were oinging so brave / And so sweet. / Thel was giving Roy head / On the polished bed / While her little one / Watched some T.V... / / And those were the Keanes / On Spinn's DFC, / With gun-running for drug money / And for flesh. / Sodomy was called love / For all Bil and Thel's kids-- / Prob'ly still is / For those of them left... / / And raising your finger / For posters like us / Who are oppressed / By lawyers on duty, / You signed yourself: / "--Well, never mind, / "We will always / "Have IADL..." / / I remember you well / From our Melonhead Hell. / It was famous, / The site was a legend. / Spinn's preference again: / For good random captioning. / But five hundred would / Be an exception... / o/` --Melonhead Hell by Leonard "Bil" KeahenSteevie

Welcome to the 500 Panel Club: spinn. Welcome to the Million Thanks Club: spinn.Charlie Steinhice, the artist formerly known as Gen. Sedgwick

PJ and Spinn. Each a class act in a universe of dorks. Matching yellow jumpers, too.Heath

I have just one word for you, young man. Spaghetti.Coalcracker

PJ, the most intelligent member of the household, shed a tear when seeing the funny clown, for it reminded him of time when there was a website called "The Dysfunctional Family Circus". It was a brilliant satire using computers and the Internet, bringing the literate and the not so literate together in one medium to parody something that really symbolizes the old school thinking. He knew someone out there would try to impersonate it, but anything except the original is a poor excuse. When it was time to quit, it was gracefully shut down. The DFC went out on top. "That Spinn guy had a lot to be proud of", thought Peej. "Oh, well, that's that. I need a beer. And where's my 'Hustler'?"Tillman (Tom T.) You did good, Spinn... Happy vacation

"I do not like your par-o-dy / It puts a tear in PJ's eye / I do not like when lawyers frown / I'd rather try to draw a clown / I do not like the Internet / I do not understand it yet / I do not like green asterisks / I do not like them, Spinn-My-Disks!"ks

That's funny, PJ said as he heard the tanks rumble closer to the front door, the Dojo Master Jeffy always said the world would end not by fire, but by giant fish.Coalcracker

Please stop all this talk of DFC leaving. I just found the site today 9/26/1999 and IM SCARED!!! Please I've waited so long to reach this spiritual peak and I simply will not have it snatched from me so quickly!!God help me, I FEEL SO ALONE! NO!! NOOOO!!axxe_man

PJ shed a tear as he stared at the screen. "This could be my last chance ever," he thought, "and I still can't think of a thing to say."Hoover Dam (reader since panel no. 16--I go on vacation for three weeks and this is what I find when I get back?)

Extreme Wistfulness! SURGE!!!Mycroft (see you in IADL)

Attend the tale of the DFC: / The best in Internet parody. / Recaptioned works of a talentless hack / Who now has decided he wants to get back. / It's now accused of piracy, / The DFC, / The demon needlers of Keane, Inc. / Make those captions sharp, people! / Sink them in and twist! / Skewer the epitome / Of insipidness! / Attend the tale of the DFC! / Shut down by Parker, LL.D. / Lampooning Bil, the kids, and Thel, / Well, everyone does it, but seldom as well / As the DF... / As the DFC, / The demon needlers of Keane... / Inc.JP

I just got the news. I guess the only thing to do is saddle up the biggest trout I can find and ride into the sunset.Crackhead Jonny

Half way decent PC..$1200.00, Cable modem and ISP...$40.00 a month, Laughing my ass off on a daily basis at you people...PRICELESS!Kelly Mullen aka Magikaldragon (Brother of the Vitamin's Tom)

Do not go gentle into that good night/ Old jokes should post and rule at the close of the DFC / Rage, rage against the dying of the site....Opie (Have a great summer/Stay cool/K.I.T.)

"Watch this space next week for our new, litigation-free feature, The Dysfunctional Color Blue!"supernaut (Yeah, right.)

Bye bye to the DFC tribe / Talent's faded, masturbated / Bil hit Peej in the eye / And Dolly and Thel are with the boys getting high / Saying "look at all the captioners cry."Matt Peters (Senator Tso, Mr. Yummy Pants, Not Russ and mostly on IADL) It's been surreal.

Suddenly, in the midst of his tears, it came to Spinn. A new idea. Better than the Family Circus. A bigger target. One that was itched for the DFC treatment. Yep, he thought, Dysfunctional Disney is BOUND to last more than five years....The Dork Wanderer [Heigh Ho...]

It was around #620 that PJ learned to read (well before Jeffy, but that's no surprise), and on #663 he received his first green asterisk. While he quickly became familiar with Oing, hypno-hair, and 2:46! 2:46! 2:46!, he was always puzzled when the "random caption" feature brought up #500. More often than not, his response was "What the fuck does THAT have to do with a clown?"'zoid

Geez, pull yourself together P.J., big melon-headed, stuck in the 50s, hermaphroditic, dysfunctional, dieuretic, asexual freaks don't cry!Mitch -- see ya!

Now if there's a smile on my face / It's only there trying to fool the public / I try to keep my sadness hid; / Smiling in the public eye / But in my lonely room / I cry the tears of a clown / When there's no one around. - Smokey RobinsonJP

Wow, PJ thought. I haven't been this profoundly moved since Cop Rock was canceled.Coalcracker

Futile is the labor of those who fatigue themselves with calculations to square the circle.Michael Stifel (1544)

And as the screen faded to black on PJ, a simple message was shown, which rang out truer than anything in the 500 captions before it: "You can take the Family Circus out of the Dysfunction, but you will never get the Dysfunction out of the Family Circus."Golfhaus

when DFC is outlawed, only outlaws will have DFC.David "I want to kill bil keene and fuck his dead body real hard" Fletcher

Some say DFC would end in Red Zone, some say in Green/Let each incestuous melonhead/Trip their nutsak into Red/But if the end is as foreseen/I know enough of copyright/To say thanks for all the captions Green/Farewell dear site/You've won, Bil Keane.Tracy (nothing since the 200s but here goes - this was the best damned site on the web, really I mean it, I love you guys, *sniffle* I'll never forget you [two years later - Spinn who?])

PJ reached through the mystical portal, and was brought through to the Dysfunctional Doctor Seuss, and joined the magical land of Solla Sollew, where they had no lawyers, or at least very few.Leth

I liked Susan Powter's old 'do better.Gen. Sedgwick (We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when...)

Hey! this mirror isn't accurate! I don't have big shoes!timstheman

You ain't the only one, PJ.Gen. Sedgwick (still holding out hope for #501)

Spinn: I was going to try to do something like Where the Wild Captions Are, with PJ, having made himself King of the DFC, sailing back to his TV, "...and it was still warm." But then I realized that the DFC isn't really going away, and that once we reach panel #1000 most of these captions are going to seem awful damn silly. Sincerely, Empress Marie of Roumania'zoid

Elsewhere in the house, Bil cried a tear of joy too, for the long meandering dotted line the lawyers were leaving behind them finally reached Spinn's door after it's 5 year journey.furplay (You just opened yerself a big ol can o' Woop-OING by launching this lawsuit, Bil!)

*sigh*... what a long, strange strip it's been...Auriam (Iblis)

Shortly after he realized that he'd completed his mission for this week, Dr. Sam "PJ" Beckett turned blue and disappeared. He never returned home.ItsClaude! (y'all took the good ones already)

Unlike the Pleasantville situation, PJ's trip into 90s television actually brought colour back to the Family Circus. And rectangular picture too.jacquitequila (trying one more time for five hundred)

With all the hoopla, Spinn, they're going to want you to write your autobiography. My suggestion for a title is, "The Poop Kept Wher it Was: My 5 Years of Nutsack Trippin' With The DFC"Tillman (I didn't say it was a good title...)

And so it ends. Not with a bang, but with a peener.Podbeing (couldn't resist)

Despite his painful, tear-inducing efforts, P.J,'s poop could not keep the DFC wher it was.Lots42 (go out with a damn bang, I say!)

"Goodbye, nutsack. Goodbye, Log of Fag. Goodbye, Sperm Belching Gutterslut. Goodbye, Hypno-hair." Like the rest of us, PJ couldn't believe it was over.Chris Benton (All right. I'm not bucking to get archived here. I'm just contributing to the eulogy. God DAMN I'm gonna miss this place.)

The DFC is dead! Long live the DFC!no bozo diesel

Alas, poor Galcik... I knew him, Fellatio...Doc Evil (Goodbye folks!)

""'Bo'y, you d th'ink "nothin'g' else" 'could get Spinns' attention'"..."Jesse D. Burgheimer (AKA Valvoline)

DFCTV now concludes its broadcast day. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP........Platypus

Things fall apart / Poop cannot holdMatt Miller

So, now that it's all going to be over soon, I guess I come right out and say it: can I have your email address Bad Girl?Coreens

DFC haiku / reaches an untimely end / um, now Bob "Crazy Climber" Soron

"At the end of the 'toon / where the clown disappears/ if there's anymore nutsaks around/ when DFC's in the ground/ and if you're still around/ then we'll meet at the end of the toon...R. Jak (All hail Spinn and his left nipple)

This was originally selected for the Phillips "Getting Better" Flat TV ad, and almost aired before they saw Thel enter the room in a bubble wrap lingerie with white powder residue around her nose and cheeks, and a gun belt with paper towels and Windex - cursing at the television when she couldn't scrub away the image of a clown.Mindy Cohn

"I think that I shall never see / A site as fun as DFC"blaine[sk] (I was rarely archived, but always reading... I'm gonna miss this place, and all of you guys!!)

WebTV is great, PJ thought to himself. But should I really click the link to www.oingnutsackgasphettisoylentpeener.com?Coalcracker

Goodbye, my old friend, / I'll miss you terribly. / You ARE my Bad Boy. - Bad Girl's farewell to PJLeth (salvaging and a homage haiku in one shot)

"But what about us?" "We'll always have the Impossible Zone. Here's lookin' at you... in bed!"Coalcracker

It had been perfect. It brought a tear to his eye just thinking about it. Send them a letter, make them finish up in a flurry of activity... overwork the editors... After 470 panels without making it to the green zone once, PJ finally had his revenge.Leth

A single bittersweet tear gently traces his cheek as he contemplates the multi-layered genius of Jerry Lewis's The Day the Clown Cried, and it becomes apparent why, in over 40 years, little Pierre Jacques had never said a single intelligible word: He's French, you fucking imbeciles!'zoid (apres moi, le deluge)

...but the DFC will remain in the hearts and minds of everyone, just like Callahan's bar, a place where shared pain was lessened, and shared joy increased. -- Oh, I'm sorry, that damn dyslexia again. I meant....phil

PJ cried; Thel burped. Somewhere, a finger was pulled. Darkness came.Tom. Just Tom. (Thanks for the five years!)

Ask not for whom the bell oings. It oings for you.Coalcracker

Wow, PJ thought, tear rolling down his cheek. That was beautiful. But what's the deal with the sled named 'Nutsak?'Coalcracker

P.J. took one last look around. He knew he had to leave. A penguin, a 6 year old boy with a stuffed tiger, and a bunch of strangely drawn cows were waiting outside to take him home.Hobgobble

Copy of "Frightmare" Free; Web Severs used 3; Amount of Humor achived by Spinn - PRICELESSTerminus

•In those final days of the DFC, no one could see the unexpected ways the family would turn out: Thel completed therapy and eventually becaume a regular on Salon.com with her column •Guilty Pleasures•. Bil finally dried out and joined the Bush campaign as an expert on copyright law reform, for which he was rewarded with an ambassadorship to the Vatican, serving as America•s representative to His Holiness Pope Doug I. Billy built a successful chain of pornographic bookstores, and Dolly married a Kennedy, who died. Jeffy went to work for Disney. But PJ...Poor PJ...he never did straigten out, eventually serving 5-10 for armed robbery. One day, he walked away from the Minimum security facility and was never seen again. I often wonder where he went, and what he did.• -Dolly, MemoirsMark Cable, AKA Frenchy, the Toad Swallower.

So long, and thanks for the giant fish.Disco Fever. It's been a slice.

The emotion welled up within PJ as he watched the very last episode of the freshest and funniest entertainment he had ever known. The sort of thing that comes along once or twice in a lifetime. The kind of thing that makes you thankful for having been there to see it. It would soon all be just a memory now, another bright and shining spark spiralling away in a whirlpool of commercialism. Unable to put his thoughts into words, PJ squatted slightly and filled his diaper. I like to think he'd have shed that tear even without the extra spicy strained chicken mole he had for lunch, but I guess we'll never really know for sure.Norm DePlume

We lean back onto morals and lean foward into humor...like east and west, can never meet in the middlecamel

Not content with the malevolence already perpetrated, the featureless void of the ghost panel, #501, silently crept into the edges of #500. Soon there would be no archive -- only sweet, cold whiteness.Mycroft

"You have all assisted or participated in displaying The Family Circus comic panel...but the terrible penalty of legal crucifixion shall be set aside on the condtion that you identify the body or the living person of the webmaster known as Spinn." A lengthy pause ensued. As Galcik rose, he was startled to hear the voice of Vice Pope Doug shout "I'm Spinn!" One by one, they rose...Werehamster, Gen. Sedgwick, Timmy's Flat Rotting Colon, all the others. "I am Spinn!" "I'm Spinn!" "I AM SPINN!" A lone voice piped in, "I am Andy Ihnatko," but he was immediately slapped down.Erich Mees (I am Desscribe! And Spinn! And Spartacus, too!)

Can't you smell the circus, PJ? Smells good, huh? Come on down, PJ. We all float down here. We alllll flloooat down heeere!! Five minutes before PJ was scheduled to reveal his true name, he was never heard or seen from again. PJ KEANE, RIP 1957-1958neptune_1984

PJ wept with joy as he reflected on it all: 500 cartoons and I didn't have to say a fucking word. He remembered his mentor's last words to him: "Better to keep your mouth shut and let them think you a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt."The Mad Hatter

The tear rolled down PJ's cheek, and then everyting faded to black. All that was left was an empty circle inscribed with the Keane's final message to Spinn. "So long, and thanks for all the Fish" If you held the circle to your ear, you could hear a distant sound of "Baaaahneeee!"Leth

Desparate for some last minute attention, PJ elected to assist Spinn in stalling DFC's spiral into the Event Horizon of Legality by shitting his pants provocatively. Somewhere in East Asia, a goat whinnied.The Minus Melon

Should-be dead people talk to me....Mr. Bunch

Insert Maudlin And Depressed "End Of The DFC" Caption HerePodbeing (easy to to it, gotta admit...)

Don't worry, everyone... This ending to this series will just pave the way for several overrated films! --So rejoice!Jesse D. Burgheimer (AKA Valvoline)

Goofus laughed at the pathos-filled final panel of The Dysfunctional Family Circus. Gallant decided he'd had enough of his brother's shit and bludgeoned him with an axe handle.Pete

That's the pedophile clown who acosted me last year ... I miss him.Petie Fyle

Pedro-Jose viewed the ghostly spectre of his long lost love, Isabella, who had been the most beautiful woman of his town, even with her muddy feet and who had run with the gypsies, and even as he did this the wind began to increase, and the leave began to swirl into a great tornado and Pedro-Jose cried tears that he had never cried before for his lost love Isabella, who had run with the gypsies, and the great tornado of swirling leaves covered everything and left nothing.Jub Jub Boy for Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Somewhere outside of the panel, a DFCer cried while clutching their monitor. "Say it ain't so!!!"RMD [alright, I'll let go]

And i remember thinking to myself... "Oh God... its the clown, THE CLOWN! IT WAS THE CLOWN ALL ALONG!" Once I knew that, freedom was mine ~"Penal Justice" Keane - My Eternal HellSlappyJack

Goodbye nutsaks. Goodbye spermburpingutterslut. Goodbye good-on-you-mate. Goodbye psychic fern. Goodbye drunken talentless hack. sniff, sniff hello IADL!!RMD

All's well that oings well.7 years in John D. Parker's Butt

Sergeant Collard, lock the doors so no one can leave this website! May I have your attention, ladies and gentlemen! My name is Detective Leopard of Scotland Yard...and ONE of you is an undercover intellectual-property attorney!Rotter

o/ And it seems to me, you lived your life, like a nutsak in the the wind, never knowing, what exactly, held you wher you is. I would have liked to tripped you, but I was just a kid, your nutsak tripped out long before, your captions ever did. o/Casey Jones (for the first time, salvaging a green)

o/~ Shed a tear cause I'm missing you. / I'm still alright to smile. / Spinn, we'll think about you ev'ry day now. / Was a time when we didn't laugh, but ya - set our minds at ease. / There is no doubt you're in my cache now. / Sad PJ, take it slow, things will be just fine. / All we need is just a couple patents... o/~Axl Flan! (very choked up right now. Thanks for the laughs, guys!)

Ya know, this stupid cartoon is holding just as much emotion for me as the final Bloom County and Calvin & Hobbes. Am I an intellectual, depraved maniac, or just an over-emotional sissy?Flan! (the sun really didn't come up this morning.)

One last caption referring to Thel as a 'sperm-burping gutter slut': about 30 seconds, Reading through all the last captions on DFC #500: about 45 minutes, Imagining the look on the faces of Keane's lawyers when they see this: Fuckin Priceless!!!badlawyer a,k.a. Benjamin T. Owings, Esq., ***this is not an advertisement

So Long, and Thanks for All the FitsGaijin Marty

And when the veil was lifted, it was as though that thin layer of lace had been protecting her from the brutal reality of the nightmare she was about to marry into. She wasn't meant to wear white. Not Sarah. She was born alone and impure; both traditions which were the only legacies her mother and father were capable of granting to her. Still, she'd made the most of them; but when did she decide to be standing at a wedding altar instead of at the edge of a cliff, watching her father's car -- and her extensive collection of baggage -- disappear into the abyss where it belonged?Rotter (If I can't have 400 captions, maybe I can be an Oprah's Book Club selection)

Umm! Ummm..."Hey, look! Ted Kennedy's fallen off the wagon!" "Remember, if someone's watching UPN on the front of the TV, you'll have a better time looking at the cover of the TV Guide hanging on the side instead." Shit! "Still, it ain't half as creepy as an Old Navy commercial" uhh...fuck! Come on, show some charity, man! I thought I'd have all the time in the world to break into the Top Ten in the DFC stats!!!Rotter

"Fare thee well, DFC; we shall never see thy like again."Paul T. Riddell (here from the beginning, and honored to be here at the End of All Things)

"o/~Once upon a time, there was a boy with a Chinese-lookin' brother, and a shirt that read 'Good on you'-- his mother has a single tit and likes to polish, while her husband and daughter screw . . . Those . . were . . .the . . . days my friends, we thought they'd never end, trip out nutsaks, forever and a day. Marfan men wear big shoes, I'd sign my captions 'Hang Lose', I really wiiiiiiiiiiiiish the D-F-C could stay . . . "la la la la la la . . Mike (With my first and last self reference. Adios, guys, see you in the iadl)

The DFC Show: Closed Captions by the humor impairedTeenyLittleSuperGuy

PJ (real name, PJ) smiled as the nightmare ended.No more vicious backstabbing,flatuence, pederasty, rectal violations, forced vagina worship, or endless vacations to the armpits of this country. And then he shed a tear, for there would be no more vicious backstabbing,flatuence, pederasty, rectal violations, forced vagina worship, or endless vacations to the armpits of this country.xian, the boy with the broken monkey heart

Oing Oing, and Soylent Green - cruelty, thy name is Keane.Tim Smith (also known as "Moe The Maneater")

December 31st, 1999, 11:59 pm - I swear to God I am going to pick up the phone, dial a random number and scream "Trip my nutsak! Oing Oing!! Long live the DFC"Tim Smith (also known as "Moe The Maneater")

You know I think I have spent more time on this panel, and laughed (and cried) fifty times more than when I saw the last episode of Seinfeld.Moe The Maneater (alt.binaries.DFC anyone?)

Heart warming image of child weeping with joy at the sight of a clown - $2.50; the 17" color TV that brings the clown into his home - $50.00; the memories of wetting myself with laughter from the 499 before it - priceless.Moe The Maneater (DZ but who cares? Thank you Spinn et al)

The weight of this sad time we must obey; / Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say. / The oldest hath borne most: we that are young / Shall never see so much, nor live so long. / [Exeunt, with a dead march] -King Lear / But why, you ask, is PJ smiling? He knows what the lawyers are afraid to tell you: 50 years after Bil Keane's death, the copyright is up, and all FC characters become public property!! See you then!Steevie

As usual with shows like these, the spinnofs were uninspired and little-watched. Dolly and Nancy developed a cult following, but no real numbers. Cooking with Thel started well, but fell to legal action after she "cooked" methamphetamine and mescaline on Regis and Kathie Lee. Billy's Saturday cartoon show as a skateboarding kid with super powers was cancelled after the Mob cut off his legs for non-payment of gambling debts. Jeffy did have great success in Hong Kong -- _Master of Hypnotic Hair 12_ is in the works. PJ went onto the Internet, publishing a vanity website with such egocentric features as pictures of his left nipple and grammatical misuses that annoyed him; the appeal was understandably small.phil

A tear rolled down PJ's face; if I would have known this day would really come, I would have spent my time archiving the DFC, and not my collection of clown porn.Elbow

Extreme sadness... *sniff* Surge...Doc Evil (Push the button, Spinn.)

The psychic bush burned black with rage. It's time never came.El Caballero

It was later revealed that PJ's tragicomic single tear was actually a stray wad of RedMan.LuvBJones (Go out like you came in ... naked and screaming.)

Amazing how such a boring, stupid & mindless panel that was NEVER funny in the last 30 years could have ever brought together some of the most creative, hilarious and ingeniously funny people. Sadly ironic. PEACEGromble

Well, then. Who's for Dysfunctional Marmaduke?Thomas Wilde

New! Reader's Digest DFC: Somewhere in the distance, the psychic fern's melon-headed gutterslut is people.Rusty Russell

And I expected the apocolypse to be heralded by the Y2K bug...Rusty Russell

"As for PJ, every morning for as long as he lived, PJ got up before dawn and watched his weenis come up..."Jenn Dolari

PJ stared, incredulous. A tear rolled down his rosy cheek, as he gazed at the amazing tableau unfolding before him. A man, wearing pants the same color as his jammies! He was gonna make a mint on the lawsuit!zen

It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings. Oh, wait, Thel's in the kitchen, frantically polishing and eating her third box of Ho-Hos.Coalcracker (celebrating the strip-malling of the Internet)

And the fucking, self-absorbed, talentless clown danced his way across the screen, obliterating any chance of real humor. Oh, and the guy with the big clown shoes showed up on TV.zen

Later on... nothing happened.Coalcracker

Goodbye... see ya in the funny papers. Although I'd rather see ya at www.spinnwebe.com...Tillman

After years of stunted abuse at the hands of twisted cyberpunks, P.J. was finally free. He wept for joy as Toodles the TV clown told him: "Why, you've had the power to leave the DFC and go home all the time, my boy! Just click your baby shoes together three times and chant "There's no place like home."Cadillac Man

No knobs! I have no voice and I must scream.storm (one last shot at a caption)

Push the button, PJKen

On the upside, he though to himself, Jeffy'll probably rip out that dumb hair of his when he realizes I got the last solo strip. Maybe it's not so bad after all!Shen Yingming

And Nambla the Clown, I think I'll miss you, most of all.Lord_Xeno

"And the angel opened the seventh seal and saw...a weird looking kid...in a yellow jumpsuit...watching a clown...." "Woah!" said John, "This revelation shit IS pretty weird!"Casey Jones

At last, PJ thought. One of my captions has finally been accepted.Nyder

PJ listened carefully to the instructions of his new ectoplasmic friends, Kill 'em all! and Gut the heartless freaksFlan! (still likes I Learned It By Watching You...)

A single , final image flickered on the screen and it hit him. "Fuck! Four years of this shit and I'm never gonna raise past #6 on Sedgewick's Stats!"Riff (just out of the top 5)

"Smile/though your heart is breaking/Smile/though your rectum's aching ..."Little Tramp

P.J. couldn't help but shed a tear. Bil finally drew them a colour television set. 499 panels of sodomy, abuse (physical and substance), Uncle Roy (well...that sort of gets lumped in with sodomy I guess), oings, uni-nostrils, uni-boobs, dotted lines, pennants from stupid vacation spots and humping fish...to at last find the reward they so justly deserved for their pains. Of course...Bil saw it differently. What a better way to fuck over the little piles of dung than to give them a TV with NO KNOBS. Bil is a fat bastard and about as loving as a puddle of dog piss.Ontario Squirrel - To the best damn site to grace the WWW.

Well the DFC is ending, everyones drowning in sentiment instead of savage, biting wit and I still can't get archived!DBH says prolapse all the lawyers!

This is the Emergency Broadcast System. Because reporters in your area have gotten too close to the truth regarding the amount of influence your country's large corporations have over the shape of foreign and domestic national policy, this newscast has been replaced with reassuring footage of a happy, carefree clown. Normal programming will resume once the CIA has determined that your community has resumed its unthinking faith in their country's institutions. This has been a message from the Emergency Broadcast System.Rotter

"I love you, Television Clown." "And I love you, PJ." "Let's run away together, Television Clown." "Don't push it, PJ."Milo Bloom (whose last accepted caption was 300 cartoons ago...)

P.J. reflected on the inevitability of life. Someone had finally sent in the clowns.Flipper the rather late Dolphin

I couldn't believe it! For the first time in four decades, a color TV! Bil was prattling on about finally reaping the benefits of a litigious, pro-business legal system. Fuck it----Bozo's in color! -- From Coming Full Circle by Percival Josephat XCoalcracker

I'm sitting here naked, sobbing like a woman, and listening to Garth Brooks' "The Dance" on a loop. Just wanted to share.Pete

A smile came to PJ's face. Since I don't age, I'll outlast John Parker and all his 3-D goons! And with that, PJ turned toward the fourth wall, and spoke: "This isn't goodbye. It's just 'see you later.'"Heath

It's taken four decades, but I can almost reach the top of the TV! Only another five or ten years of growing, and I'll actually, finally be able touch the top of the friggin' TV!agm

We've replaced PJ's favorite Web site with a featureless void. Let's see if he notices. Crazy Climber

[Deep breath] . . . Yournameiscecilweebmyhandsaremadeofwoodjeffymelad logoffag frenzyofdikplay iwannarubmydickonyourhair iamthepenisario letmesteerbigtittiedwomentoyourtwatlounge billylookschinese heylookeveryonemydickfelloff poopkeepseverythingwheritis . . . [gasp for breath]Gerald's Better Half, mourning the DFC and the Red Zone

"I always liked PJ... in tough times, he'd always provide a cheek for me to cry on." --From Confessions of the 1-900-ZWEBL•7 Fact CheckerThe Mystery Roach

Startled, PJ looked around the room. "It must have been a dream... I was in this horrible dysfunctional circle, with a talentless pedophile for a father, a Stepfordian compulsive cleaner for a mother, a megalomaniac for a brother and a tramp for a sister. But wait! You were there, Jeffy! And you too, Dad! And Thel..."Coalcracker (so long, DFC -- I'll miss you)

As the credits started to roll, PJ opened his mouth to speak for the first time in four decades. A hush fell over the room as he prepared to sum up his circular existence. "I... I.... just wanted to say.... My peener hurts from assraping Jeffy and the frenzy of dikplay which kept the poop wher it is. I am not a proctologist from Mexico. Peener! Peener! Peener!" Fade to black.Coalcracker (and I'll miss you most of all, PJ)

Exit...Stage left. Thank God Bill had the compassion to allow a square panel for the final episode, so the stage HAD a leftZach lee (NOW what can we do with the Web?)

P.J. shed a tear has he heard the resounding Hi-Ho Silver, and Svingen entered the picture.Les Miserables

"All said, all done, so lay me on the pyre. The DFC is over, and the clown perspires."furplay (with apologies to Robert E. Howard)

As the credits started to roll, PJ opened his mouth to speak for the first time in four decades. A hush fell over the room as he prepared to sum up his circular existence. "I... I.... just wanted to say.... My peener hurts from the frenzy of dikplay which kept the poop wher it is. Peener! Peener! Peener!" Somewhere in the distance, a dog barked.Coalcracker (and I'll miss you most of all, PJ)

And as the close-captioning went on the fritz, PJ heard Spinn-O the Clown say "If you don't get on that plane, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow -- but soon! And for the rest of your life. Just remember. We'll always have Paris."Bad Girl

Aww, fuck. You know it's a sad day indeed when something makes someone cry who is this hardened to terrible shit as violent anal rape, free bestial blowjobs, and heroin overdoses......The "I Was Rarely Accepted, But I Love And Will Miss You All" Enigma

Well, it's not as good as sledding off into an endless white field of snow, but I guess it'll have to do.Chris "Werehamster" Dugan

Ok i give...i tried to decipher the obviosly fake message from King features and i'll be damned if i can find a secret contest!Waldo aka Bret

Worst comes to worst, I know I can always fall back on my old job as a Fisher-Price Little Person figure...Doc Evil (Goodbye, folks!)

It was good now, but after an hour or so, PJ realized that Bil's final joke was to draw no knobs nor a remote control. His screams were heard for miles.Leth

I don't know what makes me sadder...the end of the DFC, or the fact that now I'll never make it into Gen. Sedgwick's stats...Desscribe

Good night, P.J. Kalabash. Wherever you are!Bad Girl

PJ, trying to put a bright spinn on the disappointment, finally said his first words. "At least now, I'll have time to devote to IADL." It was then that we all broke down in sobs. -Jeffy Keane, The End of an EraNexx Many-Scars, damn proud to be a captioneer

Goodbye, old friend. I'll miss you terribly.Bad Girl

As P.J. *sob* saw the clown *sniffle* his peener started to *sob*...I'm sorry, I just can't submit anything. :(K-Man

P.J., in the end, finally got what he wanted, a square panel world, a non-melon shaped cranium, color, and the ability to shed realistic tearsThe EXXXorcist (how's that for a happy ending)

P.J. shed a tear of joy. The social workers had found him a family that didn't watch the 700 club all day, lived in a house with furniture, and actually read.FireVampire

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