DFC #51

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Pinky dick, pinky dick! Daddy has a pinky dick!Troll Ticket

Look, I don't care how tough you THINK you are since you started working out. I've always been able to kick your ass, and I always will be. Deal with it.Kurt L.

That reminds me -- I need an allowance raise. My secret audiotapes of our little sessions are down to a _buck_ on the street, thanks to pirated Chinese copies flooding the market!VPD

Jesus dad, that spare tire hanging over your belt makes me weep for my future.Roxanne LeReaux

I have a feeling that twenty years from now I will be describing this moment to the therapist.Zebra

"Dad, did you fart or did those Toughskins just rip from your waist to the bottom of your fat ass?"anon

I notice you've had a few "bad bladder" days around here yourself lately, ya sockless bastardpolaris

Dad, before you put this damn uncomfortable button-up shirt on me, remember this: sixty years from now, when you're wearing rubber diapers, I'll get to dress you in an uncomfortably tight shirt and laugh when you can't even unbutton the damn thing.gsmercer

"Oh, you're showing me how to dress? While you're wearing your designer jeans, Mister Eighties?!?!?Mister Sinister

Dad! For the last time, I AM NOT A PINBALL MACHINE! Geez, you GOTTA stop coming home drunk!Magus

Geeesh dad, what would it cost you to draw a stick of furniture in this God-forsaken hell hole!anon

Thanks, Dad. I guess there's some things my prosthetic arms just can't do after all, huh?Greg J

You do realize that if you don't get your hands off me this instant, I'm gonna have to mess you up bad!RBByrnes

Hurry up, dad, or I'll be late for my first day of work as a lawn jockey!His Imperial Majesty

It's not MY fault her brains splattered on my shirt! Next time you can kill your wife yourself, coward!anon

"Quick, Dad! All the oil's leakin' outta my right leg!"zed

Daddy, wouldn't it be easier on me and my clothes if you just bought yourself a set of weights???ra-zin

I learned it from watching you, okay!!!Rich Coughlan

O.K., but if I'm your "little man," whose "Mr. Happy?" I'm gettin' confused. . .anon

Threats and violence will get you nowhere. If you pay the ransom, she will be released unharmed, but hurry! The air is probably already getting thin.Roy

Man, look at that bulge! When I grow up I want a set just like you, Dad!nj

Hey, what gives? I thought a full house BEAT three of a kind! What kinda strip poker is this?The Abominable Dr. Phibes

Okay, now if you hear me say "code red," that means they've found the wire, so send back-up this time.Greg J

Dad, the clothes you're wearing are pretty small on ya already. Ya sure you want to try on mine?jp

I guess I shouldn't expect much, I mean, you even draw yourself dorky.Rishmawy

Man oh man Bil, you're reaaallly settin' us up with this one.Rishmawy

Gee...no wonder Mom calls you "stubby"!RBByrnes

You sure have a funny way of checkin' for colon cancer, Dad!zazu

Daddy, is this going to be a "good touch" game or a "bad touch" game?Hans

I've always wondered, Bil-- why am I only 18 inches tall?Mr. Groovy

Wait a minute. What the hell am I doing getting fashion tips from you?Rich Coughlan

Uh oh. The west side of the house is sinking againRich Coughlan

Whoa, our shadows are cast in different directions. Weird lighting effect.Rich Coughlan

The truth is dad, I really don't know how I ended up naked on the front lawn.Nat Fairbanks

Dad, the wistful look on your face tells me that part of you is saddened that the unspeakable acts you just forced me to perform have destroyed my youth and innocence...yet you've got a chub again. What gives?zed

And then I said "Yeah, my daddy and I do that all the time" and th' whole class turned 'round an' looked at me, and Mrs. Johnson said that I needed to come to come to school early today to talk to somebody from the Deesee Effess, whatever that is. Anyway, the next slide was of this lady with her things hangin' out, an'....zed

Jesus, Dad, quit shakin' me! I was just kidding about the highwaters.Diggit

When PJ squats like that it means he is filling his diapers...daddy? daddy?Boschcat of the Apocalypse

That little 666 on top of my head? I dunno. Been there as long as I can remember. Birthmark I guess.Boschcat of the Apocalypse

I don't know why I have to get all dressed up to go to the church youth group meeting; Reverend Jones makes us shed our clothes first thing, anyway.The Lawyer

"Look, I *swear* I'll have Mr. Valconti's money by friday!"The Sandman

You're right! This shirt hides the shoulder holster completely!panicboy

Look out, Dad! We can see the Marlboros pokin' out of your pocket!Riff

So I have a little much to drink, take my shirt off, and start doing the "bump & grind" with the topless dancers. Nothing I haven't seen you do 2 or 3 times...Nethicus

Daddy, why do I come up to mommy's chest,but your knees tower over me?Chapstick

"Aw, Dad, can't I wear your glitter panties and bra today?"anon

Those pants, those glasses...My God! You look like an old, white Urkel.DMW

"Dad, when did you start shaving your legs? Hey, you're wearing lipstick too!anon

June 2 -- Today, my idiot son saw a skunk and chased it with his BigWheel. The stench would be bad enough, but his complete ignorace to the reek makes the situation truly unbearable. He'd been lounging in the house for hours coated in skunk spray before I came home and forced him to undress and clean himself. If there is a hell, it cannot be worse than this. -- Diary of the late Bil KeanePete B.

It's my flight/fight reaction, I can't help it - threaten me, and I pee.patrik

I want you to slowly count to ten while I say it again: I don't know where the bottle is.John Arrington

What the hell's the matter with you? Haven't you ever seen somebody get that part of their body pierced before?Greg J

Don't be pissed at me Dad, I didn't want to bet on the Mariners/Orioles game in the first place...but...since you DID force the issue, I'm holding you to it...slave for a week! And after you finish dressing me, spit shine my sneakers.The Unmasked Revenger

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