DFC #54

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

I pissed Bil off, so he erased my dick - Man, I can't take a leak!Geoff

I dunno. All I can tell you is that the principal told me to bring in a semen sample this morning.The Lawyer

How the hell am I supposed to tell my folks that I'm expelled? I mean, when I broke a plate, they killed Barfy as punishment...The Unmasked Revenger

Thanks for asking, but I'm OK. I'm just a little tired. Ever since Dad got fired for drinking on the job, I've had to work nights washing sheets at a massage parlor.The Unmasked Revenger

"...and just like that, it was gone. Five million bucks, down the tubes with nothing to show for it but a handful of useless paper. So this afternoon, Johnson, that sonofabitch, comes over to me and says "How's all that Microsoft stock doing?" And the look on his face -- I had to deck him. So of course Mrs. Hoover sent me to the principal's office. Bitch."zed

So the gunman had already shot five teachers. Then he goes over to old lady McDonald, and he says "I always liked you."Barticus

...so then I thought I must have killed her, and I panicked, and buried her out back, but now I'm thinking maybe she wasn't dead, and, oh, man, I'm in trouble if anybody finds her.Roy

Mom said she was gonna get some fresh meat. Unfortunately, she wasn't talkin' about our lunches. . .anon

I got some really bad news last night. My agent renewed my contract with the goddamn DFC for another 3 years!kafka

Huh, you think *you've* got it bad! My ole' man spent so much time behind me last night, I got three hemoroids the size of grapefruit this morning.kafka

"Either this ruler is messed up, or I am way smaller than average."Blake

...and the worst part is, although you know it's gonna happen, you never know when or who's gonna do a "melon-head" joke.Greg J

Oh, Christ, here comes that Peppermint Patty chick. I guess I'm not going to hold onto my milk money after all.Greg J

Look, Freddy-- if you do that Laverne and Shirley thing one more time, I'm gonna shove these books where the sun don't shine!Toade

Yeah I've been brown baggin' it ever since teacher confiscated my "Hitler Youth" lunchbox.Psycho Dave

Oh shit, I think I'm about to pass that kidney stone!Vincent Van Gopher

...so she's all, "I don't care if the other mom's don't use their tongues..."Merlyn

She shot me down again... laughed right in my face this time, in front of everyone! I swear, one of these days, I'm gonna teach that van Pelt bitch a lesson...Kurt L.

Ever since they taught us about incest at Sunday School, Dolly won't let me anywhere near her. Life sucks. Kurt L.

You know the difference between a bag of s**t and one of my mom's sandwiches? The bag. And now that I'm brownbagging my lunch, there's no difference at all.Kurt L.

No, it's not that -- I don't mind dissecting cats in biology. I just wish the didn't make us kill the damn things ourselves...Kurt L.

All I could find was snail bait. I hope it works. When Mom turned her back I slipped it in the orange juice. They thought it was the flu when I left. They should be goners by the time I get home. I hate them all so much.anon

Sweetie, I know you're not exactly fond of them, but it's time we considered one of those good ole fashion MALE condoms. I've had to make three visits to the emergency room this week to retieive the FEMALE version...and you should have seeeeen the look on the Physician Assistant's face. Which brings me to the topic of managed care...Was anon, now ChrisT

The last thing I remember hearing is "Go unconcious for the Lord". Now I have to hand out a bag full of Religious Pamphlets, or I get the "Blessing Stick" again.Treb n Monk

..and the worst part is when these "experiments" are almost over.. they shock my testies 'til they're blue.Treb n Monk

"So my mom gives me this bag in a hurry, I get to lunch, and I open it. Know what I saw? That fucking dog's SHIT, that's what."The Squid

I really hate having to go to the store to buy Dolly's pads.Lord KAS

Dad really stepped on this batch. I bet Pucho's gonna kick the shit out of me again.John Arrington

"I just KNOW every single caption is gonna be a gay thing."Tim Harrod

But no matter how hard I try, and no matter how many hours I spend with the school counselor, I just can't come to terms with the fact that all that's left of Jeffy is this little bag of ashes.zed

"So my dad stands over me with the belt and screams, 'You'd better not make the stupid list, again, you rotten little bastard.' You don't know what living in this kind of fear is like."Nethicus

John, you don't get it. My mom is not letting me back in the house until I move this key of coke I over-ordered. C'mon Johnny, you know you want a taste. Help a buddy out.Anonawolf

When the principal said he was going to give me my cojones in a bag, I didn't think he meant literally.ZooBoy

This time I'm going to light the bag after I put in on the porch!ferret

Either you get your hand off my ass or I'm going to use this ruler to measure your colon.ferret

Oh man, the swab test for the clap really SUCKS!!!Seapup

With your one nostril and missing arm, you must be another half-brother. Who's your Mom, the waitress at the cocktail lounge, or the teller at Off-Track Betting?Meli O'Girl

Mommy took my sandwich to the vet; it's the third time this month she put Barfy's stool sample in my lunch.GroundFault

The music teacher was sick today so the sub made us watch 'Xanadu' on videotape. I want to curl up and die.Boschcat of the Apocalypse

Why yes, I do crave the sweet release that only death can bring.zapper

If I could figure out how my school lunch turns into a bag of heroin every time I enter the DFC I could be a goddamn millionaire.zazu

I saw mom picking her nose while she made my sandwich this morning. God, I hope someone will trade with me!Matt

No, this isn't my lunch. I brought Grandma's colostomy bag for show and tell.Hans

No, Tod, it's not you... you've been wonderful. I just can't shake the memories of Linus. Moonlit nights on a blanket, evening walks through the pumpkin patch... and God, that thumb.Paul Roub

"Wow. That's really sad. So, after your role in The Greatest American Hero hit the fan, that's when you decided to finally get your GED?"Mister Sinister

Fuck, do I have a wicked case of crabs!Boschcat of the Apocalypse

Every day it's the same thing: "Mrs. Johnson, may I use the restroom?" "No, Billy Keane, you may not." And every day I end up carrying home soiled underwear in a bag.anon

Yousef, if it appears that I may lose resolve before igniting my satchel charge, please send me to Allah yourself...Shane

When I see him shuffling by in those floodpants of his I almost feel sorry for the bastard... but it's my trust fund he's drinking up, dammit.Horselover Fat

Man, Jeffy! Why can't my hair take a perm like yours?Riff

...so anyway, they told me to get in touch with all my sexual partners from the last 5 years, and >sigh<, that's why I'm here.Craig

...then tap twice with your left foot, kick with the right and... NO! NO! NO! Damn it! I said KICK, not SHUFFLE! I wonder if Bob Fosse has to work with uncoordinated idiots like you.paTRICK heSTER

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