DFC #59

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"Oooh, look Mommy. When I grow up I wanna be an angel, and then but nobody'd fuck with ol' Dolly."Brian Raiter

So that's how a real angel is decked out? Man, I guess Grampa must've really ticked off St. Peter to be given that crappy white sheet.MechaGumby

Look at the pretty angel, Mommy--brrrrragggghhh you'll rot in hell, you slu--and the nice wings and halo...MechaGumby

Does Billy floating near the ceiling mean the exorcism is working, or not?Roy

Psst... your God is nothing... bow down and worship ME! dannyboy

Boy, public schools sure have changed ever since President Buchanan got elected!Greg J

Okay, I'll go through it one more time before we leave: natural selection, over billions of years, has selected those species which are most likely to survive...Greg J

In Sunday school they said nobody in heaven suffers from encephalomyelitis.Kitten Head

'Course, the bitchy part would be getting all this wood burning in the first place. Say . . . is that a stack of hymnals over there? Yeah, light that up, that'd get the choir loft going . . . maybe just a little propellant to make sure the pews catch, too . . . alright, Mom, we can do this. Tell Reverand Miller we'll take the job.Scavenger Boy

Yep, you really can see up his robes if you sit this close to the pulpit.Trism

So does Benny Hill get up from behind us and try to cop a feel or do we have to wait until all the scantilly clad nuns chase him around while the band plays Yakkity Sax?paTRICK heSTER

There it is again mommy- it sounds like lots of boys screaming 'HELP' from the priest's vestibule...grover

Mommy, if Jesus "loved the little children", why didn't he hafta go to jail, like Daddy?Vice Pope Doug

What's the big deal? If getting nailed to a cross makes you the savior then Jeffy has been holding out on us.DMW

Of course I've been loving my neighbor. Hell, I almost gave Mr. Wilson a heart attack.DMW

I thought we supposed to PUT money on the plate.Zebra

That's the one, mommy. He's been coming to me in my dreams and telling me to kill all those birds and squirrels. Come to think of it, he hasn't been speaking too highly of you lately.Diggit

Watch. If I say "Tsirhc Susej" enough times, this window'll shatter!Riff


Fire breathing, snake handling, and now levitations! I like this church MUCH better.anon

Mommy, can I turn around and tell that man just exactly what happens to the testicles of men who go to hell for wearing their hats in church? Please?Craig

"If I was an angel, I'd fly around and poop on people's heads."Blake

Personally, I prefer the symmetry and simple charm of the pentagram.MechaGumby

Mommy, is it okay if I skip my turn to handle the snakes? After seeing what happened to Billy, I'm not so sure about this now.Greg J

Representationalist tripe! I prefer the abstract chaos in the Mondrian on the right.Dofang

Whew! Billy got the wine without anyone seeing. I knew signing him up as an altar boy would score us some hooch!Dofang

Mommy quit deluding yourself. There's a pool of hyena vomit in hell with your name on it.Peter "JSM" Burrow

I hate being a Christian Scientist. Tell me again why I can't get that appendix operation?Boschcat of the Apocalypse

Damn Mom! The priest can chug wine almost as fast as Dad.Coyote

As Dolly poked the deflating balloon where her mother's left breast had been, she wondered. Where had Uncle Roy been lately? And why had Mommy's voiced changed so suddenly? Did this have anything to do with that really deep flower bed Daddy had dug? Something was wrong, but she couldn't put her finger on it.anon

"As I yammered on like a fool about the stained glass painting, the virile stranger behind me deftly used his feet to bring me to ecstacy again and again. Church was, indeed, a religious experience." --Dolly: Memoirs.Zenmaster

Wow! When Jeffy said he was going to be in the church play, I didn't think that they'd actually crucify him!The Unmasked Revenger

Mommy, will god make my tits as big and pointy as yours?Phil Enis

How come the one in our basement is hanging upside-down?--Tom

And if you'd prayed to him before, you wouldn't have needed the mastectomy!--Tom

p'too!that'll teach god to fuck with me!spazzamajazz

...of course, the Christians stole most of the their mythology from the Zoroastrians. Now, if you really want to talk gods, Cthulhu has the rest beat hands down.The Lawyer

I thought you said that the windows would blow out if we ever set foot in a church.Mr. Atoz

Back to the DFC Archive index