DFC #67

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Ha, ha, ferry funny. Now get Gramma's denturef out of your mouf and fet them in the cleaning folution before she beatf you fenfeleff.Mister Sinister

Billeeee ... it's meee, Dolleee ... don't drink from the Flintstones jelly glassss... it's curssssed!!!Kittycat

So your grandma is--damnit, boy, can't you keep you hands off your winky for five minutes?SpinnWebe (one of my favorites from last time)

Gramma wants to be young again, Billy, that's why she's offering you to Satan. Do you know who Satan is, Billy?anon

"And when we're all done buying new shoes for you, we'll go to the lingerie department and buy me a bra that lifts -and- separates!"AMSB

"And that, Billy, was the most drunk I ever got."Matt Karp

..so while I was climbing the speaker tower, Wavy Gravy was yelling, "DON'T EAT THE BROWN ACID!"zazu

..and if those books aren't back on time we'll hunt you down and feast on your carcass like a pack of wild Dingos!zazu

And so I pulled the trigger and BAM! I sent your grandfather straight to hell.anon

"Billy, you know about the package that comes for me every month, right? The vials of blood from those little Swedish children? Well, I'm afraid UPS lost them this month, and...well, to make a long story short, this'll only hurt if you struggle..."zede

Billy knew that the mall owners were wrong -- having his picture taken with Bea Arthur just wasn't the same as getting a picture with Santa. It would be a blue Christmas this year...zede

And that's when Oppenheimer looked at my hairdo and said, "Wow! We can make an Atomic Bomb!"Nethicus

Dammit, Biwwy! Teww me where you hid wy jawbone!Teo

No, I'm VERY upset that you ate all my pain medicine. However, it only makes sense to wait until it wears off before I smack the shit out of you.Vice Pope Doug

...Over and over and over again until the Principal made him put his pants back on and climb down from the roof. Of course, when I was carrying your father, it was before expectant mothers were warned about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.anon.

Hiding an old person's teeth isn't funny, Billy. When I find 'em, I'm gonna bite down on your carotid artery and suck on it like a piece of linguini in clam sauce.chas

Oh, stop being so provincial. In Europe, goiters are considered extremely sexy.Diggit

Can you break open my hair and eat the popcorn? Whatever are you talking about?His Imperial Majesty

...and that is the source of my power. So you see, it is your duty as first born to be sacrificed under the light of the next full moon which, by the way, is just a few hours from now.Boschcat of the Apocalypse

You mother is right. You are the best kisser in the Keane family.Boschcat of the Apocalypse

Why am I twisting your arm? Why don't you tell me who put the "Dentu-Creme" label on my tube of "Ben-Gay"?Orion the Hunter

Billy, If I hear you sing that damn Barney song one more time, I'll be forced to gum you to death.Bleach!

So, you figured it out... I killed your grandfather. Now, dear boy, what do you want for your silence? Your grandfather's watch?Rich Coughlan

No, honey, don't call me Daddy anymore. Now, I'm Mrs. Dorkfire!Riff

Billy listened to his grandmother's endless yarns about winning the 1902 "Miss Oklahoma Territory" goat-milking pageant, knowing that when the strychnine kicked in, he'd be free at last.Capt. phealy

Come, join us, as your brother Jeffy has. Someday, we cauliflower people will rule the universe!The Outsider

It's a little complicated, really. See, I had a fling with your mommy's daddy, and that's how your daddy was born, so your daddy is your mommy's half-brother, and you're all mutant freaks.Roy

Oh, Billy, but people did love the Elephant Man, and they'll love you. Now let's just turn that frown upside down.Horselover Fat

"Actually Billy, women reach their sexual peak at a much older age than men do."Blake

"Oh my! Your taxidermist did a beautiful job. Billy looks so natural."Blake

I know he's my son, but that doesn't change the fact that your father is a pathetic loser.DMW

I have $20 and a fake ID in my purse. Take them and get out while you can. You can hole up in Gasoline Alley.DMW

It's first COUSINS that's a problem. It's okay for grandma and grandson...trust me.RBByrnes

Now, since I'm holding your arm in a position where I can snap it like a twig...I assume there will be no more talk of locking me away in a nursing home!RBByrnes

...and your mom, well, she came home every night full of more semen than a submarine....Mr. PI

...and you, Billy, well, since you're a bastard, you'll get nothing when I'm gone.Mr. PI

So you see, Billy, Grandma simply can't forgive your mother for intentionally getting pregnant with you and entrapping your father to a damnable existance of family life and sickly sweet cartoons. Now go to bed!!Toadie wan Kenoadsie


Well, my parents abused me too, but *I* didn't squeal to police.Zebra

Dad's explanation that he now had two Moms didn't alleviate Billy's stress regarding how many beatings he would have to endure once his Dad came out.Meem

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