DFC #79

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Okay. You're in the trance now. We can start your scientology auditing.anon

OK, now that the kids are occupied, let's beam up to the bedroom and set the vibrator to stun!Mark Elliot

As Keane tried to talk his sorry ass out of yet another "Billy was just picking up the soap, and I slipped.." routines, she prepared to stab him right through the heart with her nose.anon

So, Those brats are whining for hamburgers? Fine. You get the hibachi fired up and I'll kill the dog.Tazabby

Okay, I apologize for accusing you. But we've got to stop this fellow, what's his name, "Not Me," from calling 1-900-HOT-STUD.Greg J

Wow! the kids were right! There isn't anything in there!a little man from another place

When i count to three you will dance around naked and pretend you're Bob Dole.a little man from another place

I know they're cute. And I know you like the little animal sounds they make in the bedroom. But honey, if it happens again, I'm calling the fucking child welfare people. Okay?Bob Schmalfeldt

Aww, Thel, don't be such a wimp. The kids are all waiting... You know they would have caught PJ if Jeffy didn't have to sneeze... It's less than 20 yards... KAF

Honey, let's tone down the steroids in the cereal a few grams; Billy's already KO'd a dozen Guardian Angels and Jeffy's growing a beard--on his forehead.Ethelred

Billy, rotate the pod please...rotate the pod please, Billy. Okay, I don't think they can hear us. I'm a little worried about how they've been acting lately...Sean

Look, I'm not accusing you of anything, but let's face it; no Mary Kay rep in the World, makes 300,000 a year!zazu

..what Ted Kennedy and I do on our own time is one of your business, got it?zazu

..I got a slutty dish rag whore for a wife, psychotic misshapen demons for children, a dead end career, Rob Petri's wardrobe and YOU have The BALLS to ask me, "Why do I drink?" zazu

Jeffy was right about PJ's haircut. Every time he hears Wagner, he tries to burn down a synogogue!zazu

..it's perfect timing, Thel. One grenade'll take out the lot of them. No more baby sitters..no more college funds..no more vaseline on the door handle..zazu

..well look it this way:1 grenade + 4 college tuitions = 2 Mercedes 500SL convertibles!zazu

"Right out that window are three reasons why...now should you call the abortion clinic or should I?"anon

Baby, I don't know what turns me on more, those spectacular cans of yours, or the way your Speed-Racer-helmet hair looks when you go down on me.Phil McCrevice

I don't care how much they whine. If you keep leaving food out for them, they'll just keep coming back to the house, so stop it.Kurt L.

I called the police-told 'em we had midget prowlers-I love this bit.-nj

You are feeling horny ... you are feeling very horny ...Kittycat

I command thee, Ida Know, in the name of the Almighty, to leave Thel's body!Kittycat

If you tell anyone I couldn't get up last night, you can kiss Aruba goodbye.Yuppie Scum

..Well, as long as THIS cartoonist is drawing THIS panel, THOSE luscious casabas are D-cups. Got that, Thel?zazu

Now that you mention it, yes I would rather jerk off than fuck a cold, blood sucking, castrating banshee like you! zazu

...and DOGBERT TOO?!?!?zazu

Now honey...I said you could keep one of them...The rest are going to the white slavers.DarkUrthe

Me?? I thought YOU wanted kids!anon

My name is Al, and I'm a bilcohollic... name is Bil, and animal choleric... I'm an alka... a lush, an' I'm here 'cos o' my wife won' sleep with me no more.Horselover Fat

Of course, I'm in the mood for sex, but Madame Brunhilde's "Pain Palace" dosen't open for another two hours.Orion the Hunter

You know, Thel, seeing those neighborhood kids romp and play makes me wish that we had children. Huh, Thel? Thel? ...What'd I say?Rotter

Madam, I may be drunk today, but you will still be ugly tomorrow.Don Spudleone

And just remember: I can draw you with no fuckin' head at all, if I want to, capiche? Now bring me a beer.Zenmaster

If we hurry, we can be in Guadalajara before they even know we're gone.DMW

I know you've been lonely, but Dilbert?DMW

I need things to go well tonight with my boss, so remember, no underwear!anon

Pull my..aw fuck, am I sick of this shit!zazu

....cuz she likes the free, wild, knock-down kookoo, groovy wind in her hair...that's why I'm leaving you , Bitch!zazu

Look all I know is, the brat got a hold of the tape and her mom is very litigious!zazu

And if I EVER catch you in bed with the electrician, my mom, a midget amputee and a poodle again ... that's IT!Vice Pope Doug

Repeat after me: "I will take my Prozac. I will not try to kill my children"Zebra

"That's it -- they're all outside! You lock all the doors and windows; I'll get your thigh-boots and a can of whipped cream!"zedula

Honey, I shrunk the kids.The Outsider

One more crack about my artistic abilities and I'll personally rip out those silicone implants!Tazabby

"That's an idea, but remember what Hunter S. Thompson said: 'Tear gas slaps at the problem, but nerve gas solves it.'"Paul T. Riddell

Back to the DFC Archive index