DFC #82

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

You've hidden from my mom under the bed before, but not after you lost the handcuff keys like a dumbass. God, this is like "Three's Company" come to life.Diggit

"Here kitty-kitty. I won't hurt you... I was just foolin'. I wasn't gonna light it."Blake

Dolly discovers that while under the bed is a good place to hide many things, it is a particularly poor choice for long-term storage of bodies.Blake

"Mom, how many times do I have to tell you not to let Daddy watch scary movies? It's going to take me all day to coax him out."Blake

Hmmmm... Just a few more days under the mattress, Jeffy, and your head will be pressed flatter than mine.jerright

Now where did I stash that nipple clamp?Mattness

Ok, mom, calm the fuck down! Your Mr. Dildo accessory set is right here! I just borrowed it for awhile. sheesh....Phaze

Oh my Gawd! P.J. was under the bed the entire time they were porking! He's flat as roadkill!Frenchy the toad swallower

And with that one fatal pinprick, Dolly learns the hard way that her parents' mattress is filled with sulfuric acid -- not water.Kurt L.

"Jeffy's binges continued to get worse, until we had to shut down shooting at noon because he'd be too wrecked to work. Billy took this picture while I was trying to coax him out from under the bed. He'd become convinced he was a killer dustbunny, and had just bitten me." Dolly Keane, Memoirsik

So this is where Hoffa ended up.DMW

It took years of therapy to convince Dolly that she wasn't a dog. Until then, Barfy's life was a continuous nightmare.DMW

Daddy, I hafta know where you put the whip now or else I'll hafta come over there and un-handcuff you. And you know how Pain-Mistress-Dolly hates letting you out when she's not done yet...B-Girl starring DeathSleep 8: Mark Dies For the Last Time

Hey, what happened to my stash of "Leather Slave" magazines!?el Marko

Mommy!! My head's floating above my body again! Didn't you show Bil how to flatten layers in Photoshop?Ethelred

You can come out now Jeffy. The sacrifice is over. We used that stupid Suzy Derkins from down the street instead.Anastasia

You see, P.J.? There are no monsters down here! It's all your imagi--OHMYGOD, NOOOOO!! AAAAAAARRRRGGggghhhhh..--- (*burp*)Kurt L.

It's okay...there there. Shhhh. I know it hurts when all the other cartoonists laugh at you. No, there's no hurry. You can come out whenever you feel ready.Ted the Fed

Fear gripped Dolly as she heard her mom's banshee wail from behind, "SO! YOU'RE the one who's been skimming my stash!" Dolly knew she was in trouble...Orion the Hunter

It had been several days and several panels since I'd had a caption accepted, and I was getting desperate. Since I knew I hadn't lost my touch for biting wit and cutting-edge comedy, I could only assume that the editor had gone off on a heroin binge. In any case, I submitted a caption for this cartoon that couldn't miss: Billy! I found your fuck doll! If that one didn't work, then nothing would ever work again. --The Lawyer, Memoirsanon

Look, Jeffy...this is where they stuffed the body of the last kid who refused to share his heroin stash with his family.Tazabby

C'mon, Jeffy! Billy said he finished the tunnel and we can finally get out of this sorry strip.MechaGumby

Great hiding spot, Billy! Dad'll never think to look behind that old stack of drawing and anatomy books!MechaGumby

Dolly froze in terror as the beadspread sprouted teeth and began to feed on her left arm.The Most Rev. HolyOley

Daddy's friend Roy found the Ecstasy stash again, and is all dressed up like Frank N. Furter from Rocky Horror -- rather well, actually, but that's beside the point. Anyway, I'll be under here until it wears off.Vice Pope Doug

Alright! Who took my box of vibrator attachments?anon

... and when we heard them we would run to the attic and hide under the bed, silent and gripped with fear. Long after they had left, we would dare not move a muscle or whisper a word for fear of being discovered by the DFC and it's evil captions. This was our life for four years. -excerpt- "Diary Of Dolly Frank" zazu

Well OK, But one more night under here and and I'm complaining to Child Welfare....again!zazu

Every Saturday night it was the same Goddamn routine. Dad would come home drunk off his ass, rustle us out of bed and force us to do air raid drills while he read loudly from a 1967 civil Defense manual while wearing nothing but a a colander on his head and a .45 holster which held a pair of barbeque tongs and a cordless drill. Some nights, I wake up in a cold sweat, the words "THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING!! DUCK AND COVER!!! echoing through my head. God how I hated him. -excerpt- Daddy Dearestzazu

Hey Mommy, I think I found all our other nostrils!Hugh Jass

Of course there was no Thing Under The Bed, Dolly thought. It's all in her head, just like her parents said. But.. what was caressing her fingers with a slimy tongue and sharpened incisors while it made a low gurgling noise? Mister Sinister

Dolly froze in shock and fear. "Jeffy's hidden under the bed," Daddy had told her. And as her hand unexpectedly found the cold, pulpy mass, she realized the monumental difference between "hiding"...and "hidden."Rotter

Billy, you look in the closet; Jeffy, check Mommy's dresser. You heard what Daddy said: Mommy's taken his balls away. They must be here somewhere!Rotter

Ewwwwwww! All those times I wet the bed I thought it evaporated!ferret

OK, well... I'm just going to crawl under here and live in the dark forever since no one loves me. Did you hear me? Anyone? Hello? I said I'm going away forever. Won't be back. Is anyone going to try to stop me? Hello?!?ferret

Oh shit!!! It's got me!!!!Groovy

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