DFC #83

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

...Ok, that's one copy of "Thel's Masturbation Fanatasies, one Father Keane's Amateur Lesbians and Billy's Ho Ho Homo Christmas. Will that be....Huh? I'm sorry, The whole "Anal Dolly" series is on back order..yes it's very popular..our best seller...yup....will that be VHS or CD-ROM?...and how will you be paying for this-Visa or MAstercard?...zazu

"Listen, that mission folder you sent me didn't self destruct like it was supposed to. Uh-huh... No, I'm not being followed..."Blake

Hello, 911? It seems I've accidentally nailed a folder to the side of my chest. Again.jerright

"Okay... um... have him come out in favor of the tobacco companies and against Koop... but that's the last time I give Dole any free advice!"The Sandman

Yeah I've seen the photos. How much for the negatives?Yakko

Yeah, I told her I'm your bitch, but she says you're not here and it'll be my word against hers. Anyway, she and the dog have been staring at my ass for hours, and... well, I just wish you'd get home, Dad.Paul Roub

Look here, Mr. Wilson, if you don't want me to post these photos of you and Brenda Starr over the internet--you'd better start paying up--and now!Tazabby

Yes, Daddy, I promise not to tell her about last night....no, I don't know where you left the whipped cream. I'll check under the bed. Tazabby

Hello? I'd like to buy the Ronco® brush shredder and a set of those EverKeen® knives. I'm cooking up a little surprise for my parents.DMW

Sorry about that. I guess I sent you Bil's crap by mistake. I've got the real cartoons right here and I'll try to get to the FedEx office before it closes.DMW

No shit? The Kansas City Star readers put us in the top five on a comic strip poll? Have they tested the water supply?DMW

No, no, no! I asked you if you know how to "wok" a dog! A leash? What the hell do I need a leash for?! I think what we have here is a failure to communicate...Phaze

I'm sorry, there's nobody here that fits that description. I believe you want 1-900-BIG-TITS. This is 1-900-MELN-HED.Phaze

I'm tellin' ya, Johnny, it's him! That Benji mutt! His movies mighta sucked, but I'm bettin' I can get 10 g's easy with a strategically placed ransom note!Phaze

...and for $50, I'll sell you the black ones she wore when she went barhopping while Bil was out of town at that cartoonists convention...Frenchy the toad swallower

Dr. terHorst? My thesis project is all done and I'm on my way to your office with the final paper. ...Yup! 5 mgs of pentahydroxymelatonase a day plus some careful conditioning, and she's absolutely convinced the dog is her husband!Rotter

Yes, this is 1-900-NAMBLA... Sure, we take Visa... And the expiration date?... Ready? "Oh, Mr. Scoutmaster... Yes, I'm pulling my shorts down... OOOHHH... Can I touch it?... MMMMMM.....Orion the Hunter

At the moan...the time will be 5:30......a little man from another place

.... HIV _negative_! So, we're still on for Saturday, right?Vice Pope Doug

..yeah,I'm OK Skip. I'm just feelin' a bit nauseous right now. Yeah, the ole' lady just got through showing me her interpretation of "Doggy Style".kafka

You idiot! You sent me a recipe for chocolate chip cookies, not directions to build the X2-140 superbomb! How am I supposed to do anything with these? You expect me to feed them to my teachers? What good would that do? Substitute arsenic for vanilla, strychnine for --wait a minute, let me get a pen . . . Lyzza

Hi! Did you know that your number plays "Yankee Doodle" on a touch-tone phone? ...um, does anyone there speak English?Kurt L.

Sally? It's me. So how did -- (damn, here comes my mom...) uh, how did the egnancy-pray est-tay turn out?Kurt L.

...and even at dinner, nobody noticed. Strange. So, as far as I know, Jeffy's still locked in the Port-A-Potty...Kurt L.

Kevin...? sorry, Generalissimo Mitnick? OK, I've turned off the power in Idaho with the code you gave me. Now can we pirate FOX's sat.link to show my mom's new canine porn feature?Ethelred

Hello Humane Society? I wanna report a vicious animal. Yeah my fucking dog bit BOTH my thumbs off!Joe Blow from Kokomo

No, I have no problem with doing the bitch for the money... it's the dog... do I have to do the dog, too?KAF

You DO know that we are going to kill you don't you P.J.? HAHA!! Telling mom won't help, she's in on it too. And we're going to feed your remains to Barfy so there'll be NO evidence. Stop crying you little wanker, there's nothing you can do about it. Remember, we'll be there at "bedtime"...B-girl Starring in Fried Green Eggs and Ham

No, I'm not talking into a miniature vacuum cleaner. The cartoonist simply doesn't know how to draw anything manufactured after 1963.John Atkinson

Look, the next fuckhead from MCI that calls me and asks me if I wanna switch, will have to have this phone surgically removed from their ass! Got it, babe?DrDave

..ISO Gay white male, well hung, into S&M B&D rubber fet...GEE JIMMY, I'M REALLY PSYCHED ABOUT THE BIG GAME TODAY...*pheww* that was close ..where was I?.. Oh yeah..rubber fetish, leather... zazu

..Hello, Mr. Gotti? I fixed that leaky pipe for you..zazu

I don't care what the friggin' FAA says. Duct tape and hot glue'll work fine. Why do you think they call us ValueJet? zazu

No, Dolly is all booked up for the evening. Could I interest you in Thel? She can do some really kinky things with corn and a jackhammer.....Mo Cowan

"Yes, I've been bad. Spank me!"Dauber

I dunno. All I really know is, they've been starving Barfy for days and when I got home from school, a bucket of chicken blood got dumped on me. I think they're up to something and I've really got a bad feeling about it.Anastasia

No, no, no. I don't care if you grew it on Mars, I'm not paying $75 for an dime bag. Now what do you have that the old lady can afford?Anastasia

Look Margaret. I've got my DNA test results right here. I'm not the father. Why don't you ask that Dennis kid. I don't think he got that nickname for no reason.Anastasia

Yes, that's right Mr. Child Welfare Authority guy. She keeps following me around with the dog and telling me to 'just do it'. Please come put me in a foster home. And try to make it a permanent on this time. She's a menace to herself and every living thing in this house. My father? His mistress has him shackled in the basement. It's really a bad scene here. Please hurry.Anastasia

Yeah, that's right. Two large pepperoni pizzas. And please be warned. If the delivery guy shows up with anchovy pizzas again this time, we're going to have to kill him. Have a nice day.Anastasia

...I just can't shake the feeling that my mom and my dog are conspiring to kill me. I know, it's crazy, but every time I turn around...Kurt L.

Name: Mrs. Allen; Address: 334 Elm Street. Right before you do her, just say "Billy says thanks for the 'D' in Math, bitch!" That's right. Remember to make it look like an accident.Kurt L.

Hello ACME Taxidermy? Yes, I just received the mounts you made for me. Unfortunately, I'm not very pleased with the orientation of both of them. Furthermore, you chopped off the right side of Barfy's head, and my mother still had part of her shoulder attached...Of course you're sorry, but what am I going to...No, I don't want her tits thrown in for free! I suppose you're going to offer the dog's scrotum now too!Not Me Ghost

Oh Baby, Let me run to the bathroom real quick--This is only 2.95 a minute isn't it?veruca Epsom Salt

"Yeah... 480 pounds of fertilizer, 100 gallons of karosene... yeah... it's a... um... Boy Scout project... yeah..."gLENN

Billy to Xanzac 223, Billy to Xanzac 223, come in. I need you to transport me far away before my parents see this report card and shred my hide. Over.Tazabby

Look, tell Schulz that I can take over as Charlie Brown but I gotta get out of this shitty contract first...I gotta go the walls have ears!Lord KAS

Hey bitch...are you wearing panties? Oh, hi Grandma! I'm sorry, I hit the wrong button on speed dial...Oh, you're not wearing any?Frenchy the toad swallower

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