DFC #84

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Hey, Mom, I've got pictures of you doing the entire Elk's Lodge, and I'm taking bids for the negatives... but I have to warn you, their newsletter editor is mi-i-i-ighty interested.anon

...then she screamed, "I SAID, I'M PREGNANT!!! AND IF YOU TURN AWAY I"LL STAB YOU WITH THIS PENCIL SO HARD THE TIP WILL STICK INTO THE KID SITTING IN FRONT OF YOU..." Obviously, I thought she was just bluffing...Orion the Hunter

Okay, I've filled out all your tax forms and prepared your presentation for tomorrow's meeting. Can I please have a drink of water now?anon

I'm making a list of complaints to send to the cartoon characters' union. So far I have...consistent dwarfism...frequent amputations...melon shaped heads... Do you have anything to add?Tazabby

I have to write an essay about what I did this summer. Is "man-boy sodomy" hypenated?knuckles

Mommy, I'm trying to get some things Dolly and I need for a ritual, er little play we're doing for the kids in the 'hood. Can you pick up a cat, two gerbils, and a pony at the Animal Shelter for us? And don't worry about food, they won't be eating.The Craigmeister

Mrs. Crabapple said she wouldn't touch me until I provided a list of all my previous sexual partners.Keef

They have Daddy, and they say to pay up, or they'll mail us his ear. I think that would be cool, don't you?Roy

According to my survey...the mailman said he'd make a "special delivery" to you "anytime, anywhere"...the plumber said that you could fix his "pipes" whenever you pleased...and Mr. Capp said that he'd love to show you a few "tricks" with a billiard cue and a beer bottle.Tazabby

My DFC caption just got put on the "stupid" list again! NOW will you admit that this homeschooling shit isn't working?!Tazabby

So that's two reefers, four 'ludes, ten dime bags of crack and one pack of dental dams. Anything else?anon

I got a customer on the phone who wants to know if you would be willing to try something with...let me look at the list...oh, yeah....snakes, whipped cream and a bulldozerMo Cowan

According to my survey, The mailman said you're a real hot piece of ass, the plumber called you a "Wild woman" but the cable guy said you blew it when you checked your watch while moaning.zazu

I did a survey. 12 percent of our readers want a new hair style, 17 percent want better backgrounds and 71 percent want you to show some nipple. zazu

We've got a pool going...4 kids are betting bulimia, 2 kids have their money on heroin-induced wasting away, but I'm leaning on a tapeworm...tell us mom, how do you keep your grotesquely emaciated figure?Diggit

I don't care if I'm supposed to be crude and evil for the DFC! I just need help practicing my spelling words. Please, Mommy?Vice Pope Doug

I didn't like what you said about me touching myself, so I'm writing to Dear Abby for a second opinion.Kurt L.

As Thel looked again at the police sketch of the serial rapist/murderer. . . . she realized. . . . . . . it was her own son.a little man from another place

Read it all back? "I can no longer bear the pain of being haunted by my dead father's ghost. I keep having those nightmares over and over again. I cannot stand the pathetic failure of a louse that I am forced to call my husband. The guilt of lying to everyone all these years about my children's true lineage is too much. My dreams have been shattered, I have lost all of my faith in this world. Goodbye, I wish I could say I miss you, but I'll be having too much fun in Tahiti with the mailman to even think about you. I never really liked any of you, Thelma" Okay, all done. Now when do I get my new mommy?Lyzza

I don't remember anybody forcing you to bet that the Mets would win it all. So either you find the money or expect a visit from Tiny and Guido.DMW

I'm writing a fan letter to the Menendez brothers. I want to be just like them from their nifty sweaters to...never mind.DMW

Can you think of any other jews in the neighborhood?PDA

Hi, I'm a reporter from the DFC, and I'm here to check out a rumor that a dog actually died in the shadows of your breasts!zazu

..I ..umm.. was wondering if...err..ahh...AW, FUCK IT! Will you show me your tits?zazu

Is there a hyphen in "motherfucker"?The Most Rev. HolyOley

I'm writing a poem about daddy. What rhymes with "sphincter"?jerright

Here's my paper on The Treaty of Brest/Litovsk. Just pretend it's a suicide note or something.zazu

So what you're saying is, after Madison Guaranty went under, the McDougals set you up as your own corporation, as a go between the Clinton's in the governor's mansion and Whitewater corporation, to act as a de facto laundering operation to funnel funds meant to rescue Madison to the Clinton reelection effort? If D'Amato gets a hold of you, Clinton can kiss '96 goodbye.Hugh Jass

Just for once, could you stop staring at my crotch when I'm talking to you?Hugh Jass

I've just written my list of things I hate about you. Wanna hear it?Joe Batutis

Your husband has no eyes, your children all have melonheads, and your father's ghost haunts your children's dreams ... That's all great, but we need some REAL dirt. The Enquirer's willing to pay you, but you have to help me out here. What does Bil wear in bed?BugMonkey

Damn that Madonna! I was nowhere near her when that child was conceived, where does she get off with a freaking palimony suit?! Traffic Man

Uh... heh heh, wow, Mom, you aren't going to believe this but someone- someone charged $300 worth of 1-900 calls to our phone. Isn't that just hillarious? Ha ha. Why are you looking at me ? That sex-obsessed maniac Jeffy is an equally likely suspect.Traffic ManTraffic Man

Mom, my Little Satanist Cult Mother wants to know if you would be our sacrifice at the next ritual? Please Mom, I need to earn my evisceration badge.Traffic Man

...No. 98, Carrie Fisher in Star Wars. No. 99, the buzz-cut with your high school mascot shaved in the back. And the 100th hairstyle that's better than yours, wigs made of dead beavers. Am I getting my point across here?Horselover Fat

I'm writing to my pen-pal in Cuba... does "commie bastard" have one 'm' or two?Kurt L.

So far, 50% of poll respondents say you'll double my allowance; the other 50% say P.J. will mysteriously suffocate tonight. Care to cast the deciding vote?Kurt L.

Mrs. Jones told us to "write a letter to the editor," to say our school isn't as bad as that dumb columnist said it is. So, um, what is a "letter," and how do I "write" it?Kurt L.

Mom, when Bil dies, can we get furniture that rocks instead of this cheap shit from the 50's?Ethelred

I'm trying for the youthful Hitler look. More mousse? Ethelred

It's a petition from the DFCers. They want you to show them your tits.The Lawyer

Hey, Mommy, I wrote a poem for you! Here we go: "Roses are red, Carnations are pink. Arsenic is deadly, there was some in your drink." I'll read it again in case you missed the subtle message.Ned the Fed

Alright, let's see if I've got it straight. 2 dozen black candles, 5 black cat bones, a bottle of ether, a knife sharpener and the birth records for the last 3 days.Anastasia

Need anything from the crack house while I'm out?Anastasia

I'm filling out a Uruguayan passport application. Soon I'll be Pedro Bolivar, free man.DMW

If my calculations are correct, our 1-900-LEATHER number will bring in more every week than Dad makes all year.DMW

You know, mom, I'm getting really sick of covering for your illiteracy and I downright refuse to write down any more of your SICK fantasies just so you can mail 'em to Charles Manson.B-girl starring in The Lady Comes Armed

Now Mrs. Keane, just answer the questions and we'll let you go home. I don't see any reason to start wasting all our time with a lawyer.Sean

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