DFC #89

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Hey Billy, I got an idea: why don't you stare out into space like a damn retard? OOOPS, I see you've already thought of that.Kurt L.

...so anyway, that's what a eunuch is and Mom says you'll be happier that way. Is it my move?Scott Ryan

What's my secret? I'll tell you what my secret is. I'm really Jeanie from I Dream Of Jeanie. That's riiight! I could just fold my arms, nod my head and shake my ponytail...and I'd be out of here like that. But you know what? I like DFC! anon

It's your turn, Billy. Uh...Billy? Damn! Mom must've walked by in her thong bikini again.Tazabby

OK, this next game is for your other testicle.anon

Strip poker, strip checkers, strip anything, just to get outta these fucking uniforms!Phaze

..and as Dolly droned on and on about plate tectonics and spotted owls, Billy realized that he had underestimated Dolly's dosage of arsenic.zazu

I win! You have to eat the bug infested Oreo!anon

Look, it's very simple. On the first square you place one penny, then you put two pennies on the second square, four on the third, eight on the fourth, and so on. So do we have a deal?jerright

I don't know what it is, but checkers just makes me feel...kinda...sexy.Roy

OK, we use shot glasses for playing pieces. Yours get filled with dark beer, mine with pale ale. When a piece gets jumped you gotta drink it. And when you get a king, you gotta down the beer and it gets refilled with Jack Daniels. Loser has to chug the board.paTRICK heSTER

Let me remind you, if you win this game, daddy might find out about the "kiddie porn" that's missing from his collection, and that means a full body-cavity search.Meatball Head

When I snap my fingers, you will remember nothing. But when you hear the word "check", you will drop your pants and fondle yourself while mumbling "I feel as pretty as a little girl".a little man from another place

Mmmm, roast Barfy, Soylent Green, mad cow dis...oops, I thought this was another "eating" picture. Never mind.Greg J

Ok, Billy, it's your turn to ....Crap! NOT THE DFC AGAIN!!!!....to uh...uh...OH SCREW THEM!!!! Just move your piece!Tazabby

So how come they have "check" in chess, but not in checkers? I think somebody fucked up big time on that one.Kurt L.

Leave it to Daddy to buy us the world's only 7-by-7 checkerboard. Damn idiot.Kurt L.

Dolly soon found that the only way she could win at checkers was to play against an inflatable "Billy" doll.The Outsider

No, I'm serious! Look under the table. Look at your chair. Where the Hell are your legs?The Outsider

Billy stared across the table, motionless. It suddenly dawned upon him: in the frenzy of "double or nothing" fever, he'd damned himself to thirty-seven years of slavery at Dolly's hands.The Outsider

Hey, we agreed: you jump it, you pop it. That's why *I* picked Mom's birth control pills for white.anon

Sorry, Billy, but I won, fair and square. I get to use the Family Nostril for the rest of the week.The Outsider

...an ingenious little two-part topical neurotoxin of my own invention. The red pieces are coated with Part A, the black with Part B. And so, 007, although you do have indeed captured all the pieces, it is I, Goldfinger, who has won the game.Rotter

Whenever you get that glassy look, I can never tell if you're stoned or just having another petit mal seizure. Billy?Hugh Jass

Just once I'd like to see your stupid fuckface blown wide open by a hollow-point .44 magnum. Then I'd put a candle inside and have art.Ethelred

I'm really not this bad at this game, I just get a kick out of throwing a game of strip checkers. I guess I'm an expeditionist.Diggit

Shit. Another DFC panel, and I've already had all of the sex, drugs, and booze I can handle today. Don't those perverts ever quit?The Lawyer

That was a stupid move. Now my piece can jump more men than Mom.DMW

The DFC is here. It's time to put away the checkers and get naked.DMW

Stop staring at me like that, Billy! For the last time you can't hypnotize me into giving...you...my...last... bottle...of...whisk---here, master.Tazabby

Here's the deal: If you win, we're even. If I win, I get to boink your little girlfriend across the street.Frenchy, the toad swallower

Dolly could tell by the look on Billy's face that her plan had worked. He had eaten the brownies she made, and realized the "secret ingredient" was ex-laxMo Cowan

That's right. Now if you let me take another piece, I'll pull the zipper on my shirt down another inch.anon

Ah yes, the Sicilian Gambit Declined defense. I remember Zamagusta trying that on me in Barcelona, the poor fool... I wiped him off the floor. Now, Khamaturian, he was another story. He had a little, how you say, finesse. But I found that if I looked him right in the eyes, like this, and maybe fluttered an eyelash, he'd start sweating and dropping pieces, and I'd have him for lunch.Horselover Fat

You know Billy, ideally the pieces you would've jumped and collected in front of you would all be of the same color. Don't you know how to play this simple game?Cheezealicious

I WIN!!! That means _You_ have to spend the entire weekend with Daddy and his friend Roy, dressed up as Cyndi Lauper!Vice Pope Doug

The black box attached to the table leg? It triggers the nuclear device in the basement. You _know_ I'm a sore loser.Vice Pope Doug

So I told Susie if she didn't give me her lunch money every day, I'd tell everyone her terrible secret. I was bluffing. But she's been giving me her money every day and is real edgy. So, do you think you can find out what she's hiding? I can probably use the extra information. Just in case she decides she's doesn't want to pay anymore.Anastasia

No, moving the knight to King's Rook 3 neglects control of the center! Are you *sure* you're conversant with the Four Knights Variations?Threepio (from Free Internet Chess Server)

Oh this realllly beats out Sega Genesis. *YAWN*Tazabby

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