DFC #97

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Hey Kids! Quick come here and help your father find his glasses, I think the neighbors are going to do it again!Sappy the fucked up Salmon

Thel was in bed next to Bil, strangled, most likely by Bil himself when he came in drunk last night. Dolly could be seen out on the corner whoring herself to businessmen for crack money. Jeffy and P.J. were having some heavy anal sex in one of the house's bathrooms. Billy was undoubtedly in the backyard playing "Fabio the Pirate Lover" with Barfy the dog again, and Grandma was on the couch smoking a big fat joint and watching "Love Connection" in the nude....But the kicker, folks? The real bitch of the bunch? Bil had lost his glasses for the third time that week.Toothpick Vic Vega

Every night, same old story... I promise myself that this time, I'm only playing one game of Tetris before bed... next thing I know, it's morning.Kurt L.

Dammit! I've looked everywhere! ...where the hell are my glasses???Kurt L.

Why in the HELL did God make morning!?Nathan Frank

I'm getting tired of this... life on the road... no friends, no family, wake up in a different bed every morning... but, it still beats the hell out of paying child support.blah

"I bet Scott Adams gets plenty."Mr. Clean

Shit, Dolly... I couldn't take another night like that... I'm almost out of nitro' pills...Orion the Hunter

This is horrible. Everyone looking at me will think I do drugs. They'll never imagine that I spent my night trying to talk my mother down from the garage roof, where she had her Depends on her head, and was cursing the neighborhood for not recognizing her as the "Shah of All the Persias".Vice Pope Doug

... just hang in there Bil 'till ol' Mr. Benzedrine kicks in... not as young as you used to be ... gonna have to start takin' it easy with the mescal and the cheap comic strip whores... used to have a wife and a family... if I had any balls I'd go out under that sick yellow sky and blow my fuckin' brains out ...orlando

Shit. Up all night configuring that damn color generator, and the sky's still yellow and everything's still all halftoned. Fuck it. I'm going to bed.Brandt

The creature's needle-sharp ovipositor was poised to launch its parasitic larvae into the remnants of Bil's rotting brain tissue.Ngoc van Trimble

What am I doing up so early. All I got to do today is draw another crappy one panel comic strip.Scoats

Oh great, another day of sitting through boring meetings and talking to unhygienic programmers. Sometimes I wonder if being CEO of Microsoft is worth it.His Imperial Majesty

*yawn* Let's see...drop the Rolls off at the mechanic at eight...cartoonists guild luncheon in Boston..practice my acceptance speech..probably should take the Lear jet..1Pm video conference with Fox on series spin off..two thirty meeting with my agent and Simon and Shuster...cancel dinner with Sharon Stone...check my invest... *Huh?..whu*..OH FUCK! I was dreaming I was Gary Larson again.zazu

Eat your heart out, Roy Lichtenstien!anon

... and then there was the time we ripped out Daddy's vocal cords while he slept. Damn, that was fun! -- Billy, MemoirsRiff

Oh, shit; it looks like they're flooding the neighborhood with mustard gas again.The Incorrigible Welshman

"Honey... I had the most awful dream... I was in this hellish Felliniesque world of strange and unnatural proportions where everyone always looked like some kind of balloon animal gone wrong. That's what I call a bad trip."anon

After all those years in DFC, Billy was reduced to a diaper-clad imbecile living in an institution, staring out the window, mumbling incoherently, drooling and rocking all day long with his shriveled cock in his hand. Sometimes, I think he was the lucky one.Dolly, Recovery Journal

The sky looks piss yellow. All right -- that is definitely the last time I mix Grandma's whiskey with the peppermint ice cream.TossOff

Hey! That goddam whore took my wallet, my crack, my keys, and my penicillin! I'll teach her to fuck with the Chairman of the Democratic National Committee!orlando

Oh, Oh. Colors. Sunday. Gotta drag out that tired "Kid Being Followed Around by the Dotted Line" schtick again.anon

My god, the world ISN'T black and white. The republicans were WRONG!Yakko

Oh God, lets hope he's been lying when he said, he's only fifteen.Zebra

Am I a man dreaming I'm a butterfly, or a butterfly dreaming I'm a man whose life is a nightmarish hell trapped between a frigid wife and four melon-headed demons?polaris

Christ, I've gotta get more of that stuff. One dime bag, and I'm out for four days.polaris

Chirp chirp chirp my ass. Say hello to my little friend, Mr rapid-fire pellet gunpolaris

So after I punched my boss and goosed his wife or, vice versa, what else did I do last night Thel?anon

This is a Kodak moment. It isn't often that I can drag myself out of bed in time to see such a pretty sunset.anon

Shit, where the hell am I? And why is Dennis Mitchell in bed with me?Mo Cowan

Every morning when he woke up, Bil would swear that just for a moment he could imagine a world with love and hope and colors, a world without his sick need for incest and excessive drug use, a world in which the DFC simply did not exist. But then, slowly, the grim reality would come back to him, and the colors would simply fade away.Hans

Oh, God, what a hangover! All I can remember doing is downing two six-packs of beer and then locking myself in my studio with Jeffy's crayolas. Tazabby

This panel has suddenly gone from black and white to color...I must be in Oz!Tazabby

Thank you for a WONDERFUL night, Baby. But I must get home now to my dull, mono-colored family.Tazabby

I see those idiots at the DFC finally splurged on a color scanner.Yakko

Whoever put the cactus where the clock radio used to be is getting their ass kicked. I just want you to know that.Yakko

The final mystery: Did Kurt Cobain kill himself because of clinical depression, because of drug addiction, or because he saw this cartoon and realized how much he looked like Bil Keane?Rotter

Like Timothy Leary in his final weeks, Bil spent every moment in a dull stupor thanks to the white balloon of nitrous he kept within reach at all times.Rotter

Fuck. My smallpox experiment has spread to the walls...and sky? Oh, shit.Ethelred

Whaddaya mean Ted Turner bought the fucking strip last night?!?!beeblezorp

Oh shit. I'm in color. That means I have to go to church with this hangover.Anastasia

Where are my glasses? I can't tell if that's a nuclear blast or the rising sun. Please God, let it be a nuclear blast.Anastasia

Where did all this furniture come from?Anastasia

Mental note: When the tape recorder sprouts eyes and hops into the room, it's time to cut down on the beer.Magus

...and when I open my eyes, I will be a single swinging bachelor, living in Malibu, and surrounded by scores of bikini clad beauties. ONE...TWO...THREE...OH SHIT!!!Tazabby

Where the hell are my eyeballs? Damn things...oh, here they are. Who the hell put them on this purple thing? What is that thing, anyway? And why the fuck have I got a catus in here? And what are these little dots? WHAT'S GOING ON??!!Ned the Zombie New Zealander

Oh, my ass is dragging! The comic strip deadline is 7:15 a.m. and I don't have a fuckin' thing drawn. Where are those old Blondie strips I keep for inspiration?Yo-man

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