DFC #98

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

I don't know what the hell this picture was either, but I had a deadline and it was all I could find after that margarita binge.Bil Keane, DFC

Hi and Welcome Back! We'll get back on topic now, Mr. Keane you we're just going to tell us how you get around the child labor laws....Yakko

There's two schools of thought on why Chevy Chase's talk show failed. Chevy's own view was that it all started to go south the night Bil Keane was on. The other view-- held by everyone but Chevy-- is that the show bombed because Chevy was such a loser. Everyone can agree, however, that the show in question was dismal. Keane himself concedes, "Hell, even my own family couldn't watch it."Horselover Fat

Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Cowles. I hope our viewers are inspired, because we need their help to make the First Annual Telethon for the Cure of Melon-Headedness a success. Few people know that melon-headedness can strike ass many as four out of six family members...anon

" Good afternoon! Todays' guest on ' Where Are They Now? ' is Lyman, best friend and former roommate to Jon Arbuckle; and the original owner of Odie! Lyman, tell us why Jim Davis wrote you out of 'GARFIELD' continuity... "Doc Evil

Hi people, this week on InternetToday we have special guest Bil Keane who is going to teach us how to make our Web pages as funny as his cartoon!Yakko

Of course Billy's too young and unsophisticated to realize that furniture, curtains, perspective, and backgrounds all detract from my elegant, lifelike portrayals of the family. By only having the essentials of the cartoon visible, my topical, biting satire is so much more effective.anon

Bil never forgave his family for missing him win the 10th annual Dilbert look-alike contest.Greg J

And now, here's today's guest on Mysogynists Anonymous--the man who invented spike heels!DeRaptor

After one particularly strong acid hit, Bill watched an hour of Don Lapre convinced that HE was the host who was Making Money.Keef

Phil Donahue here! We're back from break -- our topic: the colony of egg-headed retards on the comic pages... And here's our cartoon expert, Scott Adams...The Danimal

"Bil Keane on a nationally syndicated talk show, promoting 'Family Circus: The Movie'." This drawing, and many more, can be yours for just $19.95, when you order Billy Keane's new book, "Things That Will Never, Ever Happen (even if hell does freeze over)."Kurt L.

And today our guest cartoonist will be Muhammed Ali!el Marko

Now on the Cartoonist's Channel we're going to demonstrate how to do a strip while stoned out of your mind on a triad cocktail of coke, vodka, and LSD.Ethelred

Are you a badly drawn cartoon character? Are your limbs too short? Is your head too large? Are you missing any nostrils? If you can answer "yes" to any one of these questions we can help you. Our law firm has been specializing in suing tenth rate cartoonists for the unbearable pain and suffering they cause their subjects. Just call 1-800-BAD-ARTS. Tazabby

So, Americans have voted me "Most Obsolete Cartoonist?" Well, here's what I say to that: Butane lighter! American Flag! BURN, BABY, BURN!!!Kurt L.

...and welcome to the TODAY show, I'm Willard Scott. This is my last show so they're going to let me stuff this pop-tart up Gene Shalits' nose here...Doc Evil

Hi, my name is Pig Pen and I'm and alcoholic. "Hi Pig Pen". Well it all started when I was about three years old and I never washed myself. But people didn't realize that my parents never had money to buy soap, shampoo, or even pay the utility bill. And, well, thanks to the 700 club, I..sniff...sniff...I realized you don't have to wash yourself, because God loves you anyway, even if you are a stinker. So with me today is my fellow stinkpot who will talk about his new book "Smelling the Irish Coffee: An Alcoholic's Guide to Bad Hygeine and Jesus"...Man you stink!..but we love you and God loves...Poor Wretch

Hi Kids! I'm Bil and this is Uncle Roy. Welcome to Saturday Morning NAMBLA Cartoons.The Most Rev.HolyOley

"White power!!!! Ahem... now what was it you were saying, Reverend?"anon

"Hey family! Never thought I'd be on TV, did ya? Well... so it's Cops, but I swear I didn't know she was 15!!"anon

This just in: a hungry, rabid Bengal tiger has been spotted roaming the city! Everyone, stay in your homes! The tiger will attack anything that moves -- especially hideous black-and-white comic characters!!...Kurt L.

And to my ex-wife, who squeezed me out of my old strip so she could marry that "Wizard Of Id" guy: I've been banging a different supermodel every night since I signed my eight-figure development deal with Disney! Eat it, Thel!!! And keep the kids! Hahaha!Rotter

Hi boys and girls! Today I'll be interviewing Republican congressman Sonny Bono. It seems he needs the airtime for his campaign more than you need your Saturday morning cartoons. Let's hear why...Anastasia

Hey, Billy! This is your id speaking! Doesn't acid make everything look groovy? Lick another Snoopy sticker and we'll get on with the main show!orlando

"Sometimes my father would get so wasted from glue sniffing that all he could do was stand in a cold shower to ease the pain in his head, while yelling about Nietzsche being right. Then, Billy would take over the cartooning even though he couldn't draw for shit. Chip off the old block, y'know? Anyway, my mother would submit this drivel, and America found it adorable. Small wonder I ended up slaughtering those nuns, huh?" -- Jeffy "Curling Iron" Keane, the San Quentin InterviewsVice Pope Doug

"We're back! Today's topic deals with grown adults who're compelled to draw like children. Tell me, Dr. Matthews, just what kind of emotional void are they trying to fill?"Dofang

Billy, if you're out there, be sure to use a goddamn compass for the next strip, or I'll beat your ass silly! Oh, and if my Scotch is watered down, there'll be hell to pay when I get back from this book tour!Dofang

Bil Keane, beloved creator of The Family Circus cartoon series, today announced on the Geraldo show, his long standing homosexual relationship with a man identified only as Roy. His wife and children did not view the program, but were informed later by an hysterical neighbor. When Keane returned home, he was castrated by his wife Thelma, with a pair of pruning shears. He was rushed to Mercy Hospital in critical condition. Next Up: Sports.Vice Pope Doug

...so, I'm offering this check for ten thousand dollars for the creator of the "Dysfunctional Family Circus." Or, for just his disembodied head, I'll make it fifteen thousand!Kurt L.

Let me answer those charges: No, caller, I do not abuse my children during the production of "Family Circus!" Sure, sometimes I'll beat them, or starve them, until they do something cute... but that's only when I'm pushing a deadline! Listen, dammit, that's standard practice in this industry! You want abuse, go ask Charles Schulz how he treats those "Peanuts" kids, and get OFF MY BACK!!!Kurt L.

Even after publishing PJ's first drawing, Bil and Thel still hadn't realized that their baby was profoundly deaf.Mr. Clean

Billy (age 7) substitutes once again for his father by drawing this cartoon which he entitled "Daddy proposing to "Uncle" Roy on television."Tazabby

Thel and the kids had finally tired of hearing about Bil's formula that grew pubic hair on paper. Tazabby

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