DFC Memoirs: Bil and Uncle Roy

DFC #51
June 2 -- Today, my idiot son saw a skunk and chased it with his BigWheel. The stench would be bad enough, but his complete ignorace to the reek makes the situation truly unbearable. He'd been lounging in the house for hours coated in skunk spray before I came home and forced him to undress and clean himself. If there is a hell, it cannot be worse than this.

-- Diary of the late Bil Keane [Pete B.]

DFC #98
I don't know what the hell this picture was either, but I had a deadline and it was all I could find after that margarita binge.

-- [Bil Keane, DFC]

DFC #159
And this, THIS is the mourning they performed when they thought I had sideswiped a tree. Is it any wonder I had to kill them?

-- Bil Keane: Portrait of a Madman [Psycho Smurf]

DFC #182
"Perhaps the disembodied head of his mother was a bit much, but the little monster had to be taught a lesson, and the Ronald Reagan pyjamas just hadn't worked."

-- Bil Keane, "Daddy Knows Best: Raising Melon-headed Children in a Changing World" [sicily]

DFC #229
...as long as she remembered finding the 50 gallon drum of lube, I was forced to pretend the car needed daily oil changes...

-- Opening the Family Closet - The Secret Years of Bil Keane [zapper]

DFC #273
"I'm not having this! Somebody's taken a huge bite out of the middle already!"

-- From Well, I Thought It Was Funny: A Collection Of My Favorite Reject Captions, edited by Bil Keane [Thany]

DFC #276
"The real secret? Every few years or so, as the kids got a little long in the tooth, we'd set them up for a 'schoolbus scene'. Little did they know they weren't comin' back! They ship in some younger kids the next day and the illusion of eternal childhood was maintained."

-- Bil Keane, Playboy Interview, March 1996 [Blue Gargantua]

DFC #326
Why I left the woods... I had proven that a life can be lived deliberately, in concert with nature. Plus, if Dolly had uttered "gasphetti" one more time, I would have fucking KILLED her.

-- From Bil Keane's Walden: My Life On the Pond [Coalcracker]

DFC #333
Sure, a lot of fathers teach their sons how to jack cars, sell crack, and do drive-bys, but only a few caring dads will go that extra mile and coach them on how to behave in a police lineup.

-- Parent 'Hood by Bil Keane [ks]

I talked about love. I talked about Plato and Socrates. I referred to the newspaper, noting the many popular entertainers who share a similar lifestyle. But although I tried to maintain an enthusiastic facade, explaining to the kids about Uncle Roy was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

-- PJ Has Two Daddies: Coming Out of the Circle by Bil Keane [ks]

DFC #343
"Sure, it was hard watching Jeffy wheel out of the gate and into the waiting crowd. But hell, I've got 3 more kids and we needed a diversion to get out of the embassy."

-- From Seven Years in Iran by Bil Keane [bobo]

DFC #350
"And then there was the time that Jeffy was posessed by the ghost of Pepe Le Pew. Oh, the hours he spent trying to bone poor Kittycat! If it wasn't for the improvement in his manners, diction and body odor, we would have never noticed the difference."

-- Excerpt from Touched by an Uncle: Jeffy's So-Called Life by William P. Keane [bobo]

DFC #356
"Dolly's public persona was nothing like her private one. She was into every twisted kink you can imagine, and since she had videotapes of me and Roy, I had to play along or she'd expose me. Here's a picture of the time she got me to do that 'mama bird/ baby bird' thing she loved so much. I still get the shakes just thinking about it. Christ, is it any wonder that I drank?"

-- From Dark Side of the Circle by Bil Keane [hangtownman]

"She wanted to be like me... and I thought it was cute. She started drawing a cartoon... and I thought it was cute. She sent it in to Cowles... and I thought it was cute. They offered her 74 newspapers and 45% of the plush animal revenues... The bitch had to die."

-- Excerpt from "Bil Keane - the Death Row interview" [Delsyn]

DFC #357
"It got to the point where Jeffy didn't even care anymore. He'd show up on the set, wrists still bleeding from his latest dose, ordering me to edit it out later, and to top it all off he still expected us to pull his damned finger. If it wasn't for that roll of film, I would've erased him long ago ... "

-- From Livin' in a Bubble by Bil Keane [Riff]

DFC #368
During my later years I could be especially cruel. In one panel I erased everything on the floor as "my share of the housework", then made Thel clean the rest by hand, while I drank shooters just outside the circle. For kicks I drew Dolly's ponytail so tight she looked like a jammed Pez dispenser. The sycophantic "Jefferace" was an afterthought.

-- An excerpt from An Endless Circle by Bil Keane [mj]

DFC #380
"As shown in this illustration, the last throes of carbon monoxide poisoning frequently provide an enhanced sense of euphoria."

-- Keane, B., A Short Treatise on Mass Termination of Prepubescent Offspring, Journal of Reproductive Mistakes, 1988, v.9, p.666. [Ghago Minarookis]

DFC #387
"Well, you know -- a high chair with 24 cubic feet of desk space, endorsement contracts from Garanimals, it all went to his head. Shortly after this picture was taken, he was dating Pamela Anderson."

-- Bil Keane, I Was Not the Ringmaster [phil]

DFC #388
In hindsight, the convenience of not needing a flashlight was eventually outweighed by the hideous sores when we camped at Los Alamos.

-- From "Not Too Keane" - Bil's Story. [lefty]

DFC #393
Although I believed in minimalist drawing (no stuff in the background and whatnot), every now and then I'd pop a few 'shrooms, throw on some Dead, and draw to the music. On this one occasion, I'd promised to quit drawing after one song, but it turned out I'd put on the Copenhagen Dark Star.

-- Bil Keane, Secrets of the Artist[Ken]

DFC #398
As the halfling approached, my eyes gravitated toward the ring she was wearing on her left hand. Just a few more steps and I could take it. Just a few more steps and it would be mine.

-- Bil Bo Keane, Precioussss Moments [Ken]

DFC #418
"Well, I had that same Dolly clip-art I'd used since '74, and I was getting ready to draw -- I dunno, probably a door or some shit like that. Then the mescal hit me, and it was all I could do to get out that curvy stick-thing"

-- From Drawing Comics the Bil Keane Way. [phil]

DFC #436
The nightly bedtime story "reading" was a constant source of embarassment to me. The large print seemingly taunting me every night as if to say "Look at your sorry ass. You're forty years old, your children are melon-headed amphetimine addicts, your undying lust for your mother made you marry a one-breasted beast of a woman, and you can't even read." But I got my revenge, oh did I ever. - Excerpt from Top of the Bell Tower with a Loaded Rifle: Look at Me now Ma! The Unauthorized Biography of Bil Keane --yoniBE@R

DFC #439
About two seconds later, Jeffy learned that Thel actually could force him to eat it. Fortunately, King Features had top-notch medical coverage, so the jaw reconstruction didn't cost me a dime. -- Bil Keane, What Are You Lookin' At? --Westur the Unspeakable

DFC #464
"Eventually, I got so damn pissed off at the whore, I erased her one night and replaced her with an oversized drinking bird toy. Somehow, the kids never seemed to notice." -- from Art of Darkness by Bil Keane, Sr.--Riff

DFC #255
One morning, as I tiptoed out of Bil's bedroom after another night of sodomistic sinfulness, I saw that redheaded harlot Dolly. She had just smoked the last of my crack, and was now uttering lewd come-ons to me. 'Whassa matter,' she asked, 'don'tcha like my booty?' The growing bulge in my gym shorts answered her question. I had no time for her, however, for I had to get down to the maternity ward to snatch an infant for that night's Satanic sacrifice.

-- From "Uncle" No More: How I Escaped the Keanes and Found Christ by Roy Washington [Dave Matthews]

DFC #434
I had the perfect tenth anniversary gift picked out for Bil and Thel until Billy overheard me and started blabbing to everyone about a "cat with nine tails." So I got them a set of serving spoons instead.

-- Roy W. Keane, Uncle is Not a Safeword [Ken]