DFC Memoirs: Billy

DFC #50
"After finally deciphering the Necronomicon, Mother became insufferable; twisting our heads and limbs quite unnaturally whenever her sick whimsy struck."

-- Billy K., A Retrospective [patrik]

DFC #97
... and then there was the time we ripped out Daddy's vocal cords while he slept. Damn, that was fun!

-- Billy, Memoirs [Riff]

DFC #105
Although Barfy was dead, his spirit never left us. Instead it found a home in Jeffy's body. It was a constant source of amusement for us to watch him scratch for fleas, run around people begging for walks, and trying to screw with every bitch in heat. Of course, it was Jeffy's own fault that he was in this situation since he was the one who had shot the nail gun into Barfy's head in the first place.

-- Billy Keane...unpublished autobiography [Tazabby]

DFC #108
It was sickening. To make sure Grandma could hear her, Dolly had to practically scream her praise of Lawrence Welk's genius in my face. Senile though she was, I always hoped Grandma would somehow recognize it for the shameless patronizing it was. I beat the hell out of Dolly for it on a fairly regular basis, but when Grandma finally bought it a few years later, she left half her estate to the little suck-up. You tell me who got the last laugh.

-- publisher's excerpt from "Surviving the Circus", by William "Billy" Keane, Jr. [Pete B.]

DFC #145
"PJ played 'Olympic Gymnast' with Dolly's nipple ring one too many times. One day, she freaked and bit a huge chunk out of his cheek."

-- Billy Keane, from "Family Sideshow: My Years in the Vicious Circle" [Retard]

DFC #147
"Dolly's bouts with bulemia became more and more pronounced, and her methods harsher and harsher."

-- Billy Keane, "Family Sideshow: My Years in the Vicious Circle" [Retard]

DFC #180
"'Well, this is the place' I called out, my voice echoing off the tiles. Dad had had so many happy hours here, dabbling at his mascara, shaving his girly girly pink thighs. Besides, he'd always wanted to have his ashes spread at sea. We flushed the old queen and got the hell out of there"

-- From Sky without a sun: Memories of a father who didn't want to be by Billy Keane [polaris]

DFC #183
After huffing an entire bottle of Citra-Solv, Dolly found herself uncontrollably reenacting the Princess Leia hologram scene from "Star Wars," convinced PJ was projecting Thel's image from his nostril. This was, of course, just before the lobectomy.

-- Billy Keane, "Family Stercus" [Orrin Bloquy]

DFC #194
"Despite the froth at Dolly's mouth and PJ's back condition, our parents would stay disappeared in their bedroom doing God knows what with the pets."

-- William Keane Jr., "Praying For Death" [Colin]

DFC #209
It was on that fateful day, when Jeffy went diving for a hooker's discarded cigarette butt, that his long slide into moral depravity began.

-- Billy Keane, The Vicious Circle

DFC #212
I looked up from my decorations and saw a familiar look on Bil's face. Disappointment. And that's when I knew that once again, I had ruined Christmas.

-- From Growing Up Keane: Memoirs [Rappin' Rickey V.]

DFC #214
"...but Jeffrey didn't make it. He simply had to get off one, last, parting shot at our sadistic wardens of ten years. In his moment of glory, the dogs took him down."

-- Billy Keene, Escape from Family Circus [Blue Gargantua]

DFC #217
"...when dad was desperate for laughs, he'd simply have me do a "Crotch Crush". It never failed to amuse one and all, but the endless hours of agony and the blood in my urine was the hidden price for their merriment."

-- Billy Keane, The Comic God Forgot [Blue Gargantua]

DFC #228
"Did you see what I just SAW? Thel has semen on her JAW! bring it on down 1,2,3,4.... 1... 2... 3! 4!"

-- From Favorite Dysfunctional Family Cadences by Major General Billy Keane [wombat]

DFC #229
After the car broke down, we tried to get over the pass on foot. P.J., being the smallest and most tender, was the first to go.

-- In the Footsteps of the Donner Party - A Memoir by William Keane, Jr. [Podbeing]

DFC #231
(Video capture.) Jeffy was almost to the bottom before the awful realization hit him. We'd lied to him again. You couldn't dive into an empty swimming pool.

-- From Smashing Pumpkins; My Life as a Melonhead by Billy "Billy" Keane. [Owell]

Actually, this image is upside-down. This was when we nailed Jeffy to the ceiling through the room above.

-- Billy Keane on Larry King Live

DFC #235
"Sure I knew it was just a paper towling tube, but when your old man is an unpredictable, washed up, drunk... well you try to humour him."

-- Excerpt from 'My Life With The Thrill Bil Cult' by William Keane [Bil's Drinkin' Buddy]

DFC #246
...later that year, Jeffy started refering to us all as his 'staff', and began insisting that we screen his calls and handle his appointments. Years later, we would look back on this as the start of the chain of events that led up to the infamous "noodle incident".

-- From My Brother, My Nemesis by Billy Keane [Westur the Unspeakable]

DFC #251
"We tried to ignore it for the longest time, but one day Dolly's dyslexia ruined a perfectly good "Pull my finger" gag. She was fired the next morning."

-- William Keane Junior, Circus Freaks: The Untold Story of the Family Circus [Jester]

DFC #266
"Throughout the nightmarish ordeal that was my childhood, I was always grateful for my brother Jeffy. No matter how badly life treated him, he always maintained that sense of wide-eyed, childhood wonder. He was fascinated by the simplest of God's gifts, and would stare enchanted at bananas, and grape stems for hours. He enjoyed a rich fantasy life, talking ceaselessly about answering machines and dressing up like clowns or cowboys...Actually, come to think of it, Dad was right. Jeffy was a fucking retard."

-- From Jeffy Remembered by William Keane Jr. [Jester]

DFC #270
Thel and Bil punished Jeffy for breaking a vase by forcing him to go without food for 5 days in a row. Jeffy was weak...barely able to pull himself up onto two feet. He begged PJ for even a morsel of gruel. PJ, with his usual flair for cruelty, mocked Jeffy by spilling the food all over himself and on the table just out of Jeffy's reach.

-- PJ: Portrait of a Developing Sociopath by Billy Keane. [The Unmasked Revenger]

DFC #298
When Dolly got the FTD job, Jeffy and I took bets on whether the child labor laws would shut her down before her own incompetence did.

-- Billy, Memoirs [soon]

DFC #308
"It started out like any other day. Dolly and PJ fighting over a TV show, the rest of us huddled in a drug-induced stupor. The peacefulness of that domestic scene was suddenly shattered, however, as Bil came flying down the stairs, screaming, The meth rig's on fire! The meth rig's on fire! Instantly, I knew that our lives would never be the same again."

-- From Daddy Liked to Cook: Growing up in the Icehouse, by Billy Keane. [polaris]

DFC #325
"An' then the particles smash together, an' then they can figure out lots of stuff about electroweak symmetry breaking..." Dad just stared blankly at my attempt to explain the Superconducting Supercollider. It was then that I knew: I was different from the other Keanes.

-- Good Bill Hunting: Diary of a Boy Genius Raised By Idiots [ks]

DFC #330
On his furlough days from the treatment center, Bil would often take us to the park. Of course the social worker never let us out of her sight, but Bil always managed to get a quick feel somehow.

-- Growing up Keene: Life within the circle by Billy Keene [JohnBoy]

DFC #331
"By this time Jeffy was so desperate for the spotlight he would take the blame for anything we did. Don't think we didn't use that to our advantage every fucking day."

-- Keen Keanes; The Collaborative Autobiography of Dolly, Billy, and PJ Keane [the skyclad answer]

DFC #333
It would start off with pulling the finger. Then I'm pulling his nose, tugging on an ear, and by the end of the night we would go through a box of Trojans and a bottle of Tequila.

-- Excerpt from Never Call Me Keane by Billy Keane [anon]

As I endured yet another lecture about spending too much time with Charlie "Dutch" Schultz and the boys down at the restaurant, I suddenly knew I'd have to have Dad taken care of.

-- Goodmelons by "Fat Billy" Keane [ks]

"Sure I like enjoyed playing such sophomoric games with my schoolboy peers, but when my drunken father chased me around the house with a freshly picked 'Boogie' on the end of his finger, it was just pathetic."

-- Session 132, Tape 4 [Opie]

"Food on you, gate! Hood on you, freight! Mood on you, date! Good on ewe, mate!"

-- From Pushing a joke too far: Why Scott Adams is rich and we couldn't even afford furniture, by William Hearst Keane, Jr. [Heath]

DFC #334
"The last thing I remember was Dolly saying 'Do you think Grampa's having p'sgetti in heaven?'....Then everything went black."

-- Excerpt from the trial of William Keene Jr. [The Dork Wanderer]

DFC #339
"Every day father would make us practice what to do in case the pirates attacked. Eventually we just pushed him into one of Jeffy's tiger traps."

-- The Dys Family Robinson by Billy Louis Stevenson Keene [JohnBoy]

"From time to time, my desperation led me to run away from home and find a better-drawn children's story to live in. On one occasion, I spent nine happy days with the Cheshire Cat before my father tracked me down and dragged me back to the featureless void..."

-- From Shattered Circle, by William Keane Jr. [Desscribe]

"Some days, he was so stoned he'd mistake himself for a giant tree sloth and dangle innert for 5 hours before losing his grip."

-- Circle Jerk, the diary of Billy Abraham Keane [Magus]

DFC #345
'Jeffy always liked the sessions he had with kitty. He would reel in the ecstasy that kitty had as he scratched her back with the "back door buddy" that dad always used with his "special guests," and kitty didn't seem to mind. Jeffy cried for weeks the day dad ran over kitty with the lawnmower, and promptly fell into a life of drugs and prostitution.'

-- Billy Keane, Reflections On A Cat-Scratcher [toade]

DFC #347
"It was the first time Jeffy got hurt chasing a little pussy, but not the last. Good Heavens, not the last."

-- From the eulogy given by William Keane Jr. at his brother Jeffy's memorial service [hangtownman]

DFC #360
"It was the oddest dream I ever had. My phallus emerged from my trousers as an angry dog, viciously trying to attack my sister's cat, or 'pussy.' I knew then that I desperately needed therapy."

-- Boy in the Bubble: A Memoir by William Keane, Jr. [Podbeing]

DFC #391
I'll never forget that day, Jeffy and I had finally worked out a viable Grand Unified Theory, one explaining the glue that made every star and planet move in the intricate dance of existance. We tried to tell our mother, but she was so mad about us sitting on the back of the chair that she beat Jeffy into a coma from which he would never recover. It took me 45 years to recreate the data lost on that day. The name Thel Keane should hereafter be known as one of the greatest impediments to our understanding of the workings of the cosmos as a whole.

-- Excerpt from The Poop Holds the Universe Wher it is; A Study of Dark Matter and its Effects on the Cosmos by William F. Keane [The Notorious D.F.C.]

DFC #392
"My modelling career began tastefully with this photo for a J.Crew ad. However, it was only a matter of time before I was doing nude spreads in Playgirl, and I finally hit rock bottom in that damn Abercrombie and Fitch catalog."

-- William Keane Jr., Circles of Hell [Robbbbb]

DFC #396
"This incident seemed rather harmless at the time. Dolly always tried to sic Barfy on Pink and we thought nothing of it. Then, thirty years later when he was a world famous rock n' roll singer, Pink calls me from a hotel room in London, drunk off his ass and babbled about how Dolly and Barfy was 'the first brick in the wall.' I didn't know what to make of it until they found my little brother naked and hanging from a ceiling in a Motel 6 in Philly."

-- Excerpt from Little Brother Lost: The Fall and Death of Pink J. Keane, by William & Jeff Keane, Melonball Press. [Mr. Ben McClellan]

DFC #411
Jeffy would often lay awake most of the night "Oilin' the old baseball glove". I think he was 20 by the time he realized it was supposed to be a euphemism.

-- "Flowers for Jefferson", W. Keane Jr. [Paul Roub]

DFC #412
PJ couldn't reach the pages to turn them, of course, and Dolly was just too dumb to notice. She'd been singing page 1 of "My Heart Will Go On" since 7am. By 3:30, Dad was passed out, Mom was drooling and unresponsive and Jeffy had taken his own life.

-- "I Can't Think Of A Funny Title, But Boy Was My Sister A Shithead", William Keane Jr. [Paul Roub]

DFC #413
We made the mistake of calling him "new jack bitch" one morning at coloring time. PJ put a whupass to us we never forgot, and from then on we were all "his boyz."

-- PJ, The Cappin' Keane, by B. "Deuce" Keane II. [Stan In The Hood Xhiao]

DFC #439
The guilt continued to rise in me as Jeffy's stubby little arms strained to reach his plate. Putting SuperGlue on the back of his chair had seemed funny at first, but with Thel harping about what a "fuckin' pussy" he was being...well, it was enough to make anyone cry. -- William Raymond "Cyrus" Keane, Thelma Dearest . --Cranky Bear

DFC #443
The congregation never learned who drank the sacramental wine and peed in the chalice, but Jeffy's chablis-belches ruled him out as an accomplice for future escapades. - "God Is Coughing Up Blood", by W. Nietzche Keane --Auntie Em

DFC #445
"Bil tried to maintain that the blank balloons were some kind of profound social commentary about lack of communication in the family. Fucking union arbitrator said it wasn't a speaking part so I got paid scale for a mere walk-on." --Svingen

DFC #453
Dolly slowly hiked her nightdress farther up her thigh. She had to know I was staring, the little vixen. I knew she would come to me later, after Story Time... Confessions of the Inbred, by William Keane, Jr. --Podbeing

I had grown "too old" for Bil's taste, and was now relegated to the ottoman. Jeffy and Dolly both commanded a thigh seat, and PJ, that lucky bastard, was in the catbird seat. One more unwanted pregnancy, and I'm on the fucking floor with Barfy. "Curse of the Firstborn" by Billy Keane --Lt. Dan

DFC #455
"The smells hit me like a ton of seawater...overripe kelpy, oily, fishy smells that made my eyes sting and my gorge rise. As soon as we got into the restaurant I slipped the hostess a fiver and she seated me at a separate table at the other end of the restaurant. But I would have to get back in the station wagon with them when dinner was over. Worst vacation I ever had." She Sells Seashells, Wm. Keane --"Stan" Xhiao

"Getting arrested seemed like a drastic way to leave the strip, but I was desperate by this point. Here I am wearing Charlie Brown's sweatshirt in public the night after the murder." --Billy "The Kid" Keane, Dope, Hope, and Soap-on-a-Rope --Heath

The hexagram came up The Salmonella, but it was too late to warn them; they were committed to the swordfish. Once again, my talent for doing the I Ching with my head had turned up totally worthless. -- Kean Bil Li, The Taming Power of the Melonhead --Ken

DFC #456
It was the last straw... Thel had promised me the rump roast once we got PJ fattened up enough, and I come in and see that Dolly's already eaten the bottom half, leaving nothing but innards, stubby arms, and an inedible melon head. "Call Me Anything But Late For Supper" by William Lecter Keane --Lt. Dan

DFC #457
"She enjoyed playing connect-the-dots so much, she'd deliberately slip me peanut products. Bitch." -- testimony of William S. Keane, parole hearing for Thelma L. Keane, May 2004.--Gen. Sedgwick

Sometimes, when she was really wasted, she'd stick her hand through the pipe in my head and tickle my brain...I still twitch, just thinking about it... -- William Keane, Requiem for a Killer Midget: the Story of a Suburban Cyborg Mutant--Zest-fully Me!

"Welcome to Wal-Mort! Welcome to Well-Mart! Welcome to Wail-Mert! She practiced for hours, but she never did get the job." --Mom Over Easy, Wm. Keane Jr--Stan Xhiao

DFC #458
"During Jeffy's final days, as the tumor ravaged what was left of his brain, Jeffy could often be seen re-enacting scenes as Scarlett O' Hara from Gone With The Wind. It may have been the most pathetic thing I have ever seen." - from I Never Was Keane On My Family by William P. Keane--The Enigma

DFC #461
"The depositions were long and tedious, but it was worth every hour we spent. Finally the Justice Department had enough evidence for its anti-trust suit against Jeffy and the courts ordered him broken up two months later. The reign of terror had ended at last." -- from Freeing the Circle by William Keane--hangtownman

DFC #465
"Keane boys proved to be more intricate than mere 'frogs and snails and puppy-dog tails'. Still, I missed Jeffy." --Billy Keane, Review My Book On Amazon.Com!--Heath

"...and with a f-f-f-ffffunt, my Gameboy lay in pieces on the counter. I feared her from that moment on." --Billy Keane, The Family Anocracy--Heath

DFC #468
"The saddest thing of all was the night the Fairy dispatcher made a mistake and sent the Melon Fairy instead of the Tooth Fairy. The next morning, all we found was a torso, a bicentennial quarter, and a tooth. All we ever got by way of apology was a form letter and a coupon." -- William Keane, In Memoriam Dolly--Zest-fully Me!

DFC #470
There I was speaking to a dog. Once I came down, I told Dolly never to score acid from a dyslexic again. -- William S. Keane Jr, Fear and Loathing on Page C-6--Ken

I didn't mind doing a whole panel, start to finish. But sometimes Bil would blotto halfway through a fuckin' panel, then it's Billy to the goddamn rescue. And for that I got what, 2, 3 bucks? "Goddamn Right Today's Panel Was Drawn By Billy" by Billy Keane--