DFC Memoirs: Dolly

"This is a picture of Jeffy talking to a phone. You never saw it, but Jeffy was loony as hell. We often had to strap him down to stop him from dismembering the cat. I hated the fucker; he was impossible to work with."

-- Dolly, Memoirs [Felix W.]

Billy was dumber than hell, and he was usually riding a gnarly cocktail of uppers and halucenogens, which didn't help one bit. I vividly remember the time he and some of his buddies got really wacked-out, decided they were a gang, stole some sports equipment from props, and challenged some neighborhood crack dealers to a "rumble". Post-production had to edit out the scars on his face for the next six months.

-- Dolly, Memoirs [Pete B. (Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, Felix. ;] )]

I often exploited Jeffy's fear of flying things, which frequently resulted in him wetting himself. I think that secretly he enjoyed it as much as I did.

-- Dolly, Memoirs [anon]

"Despite his own semi-celebrity status, Billy always lost his cool around bigger celebrities. I remember the day he met Joyce DeWitt of TV's Three's Company. That crazy fucker walked right up to her and ripped her shirt off. And the sickening thing was, Joyce really went for it. They were together, on and off, for sixteen years. If it hadn't been for Dana Plato, I think he might have married her."

-- Dolly: If This is the Circus, Who are These Clowns?, Random House, 1994 [zed]

When the Christian Coalition threatened a child pornography suit, for a brief while, we zealously covered all possible "naughty bits" with conveniently-placed objects.

-- Dolly, Memoirs [Roy]

"As I yammered on like a fool about the stained glass painting, the virile stranger behind me deftly used his feet to bring me to ecstacy again and again. Church was, indeed, a religious experience."

-- Dolly: Memoirs [Zenmaster]

My moron parents never figured it out. The "Fag Boy" banner above his bed. The obvious physical signs of the disease. No, they deluded themselves with chicken soup and Robitussin.

-- Dolly: Memoirs [Zenmaster]

"Jeffy's binges continued to get worse, until we had to shut down shooting at noon because he'd be too wrecked to work. Billy took this picture while I was trying to coax him out from under the bed. He'd become convinced he was a killer dustbunny, and had just bitten me."

-- Dolly Keane, Memoirs [ik]

... and when we heard them we would run to the attic and hide under the bed, silent and gripped with fear. Long after they had left, we would dare not move a muscle or whisper a word for fear of being discovered by the DFC and it's evil captions. This was our life for four years.

-- Excerpt "Diary Of Dolly Frank [zazu]

Every Saturday night it was the same Goddamn routine. Dad would come home drunk off his ass, rustle us out of bed and force us to do air raid drills while he read loudly from a 1967 civil Defense manual while wearing nothing but a a colander on his head and a .45 holster which held a pair of barbeque tongs and a cordless drill. Some nights, I wake up in a cold sweat, the words "THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING!! DUCK AND COVER!!! echoing through my head. God how I hated him.

-- Excerpt Daddy Dearest [zazu]

Year after year we would get so excited by all our new toys, only to have them erased the next day...

-- Dolly's Memoirs [Blake]

After all those years in DFC, Billy was reduced to a diaper-clad imbecile living in an institution, staring out the window, mumbling incoherently, drooling and rocking all day long with his shriveled cock in his hand. Sometimes, I think he was the lucky one.

-- Dolly, Recovery Journal

"Frequently, we were forced to play sappy, joyless games, just to 'prove' to our readers that we were wholesome and cute. But that wasn't the end of the torture. These sessions were invariably videotaped, and then we were subjected to hours of mind-numbing 'analysis' as Billy, our self-appointed 'cuteness coach' would critique the tape frame by agonizing frame. Although the police never did find the murder weapon, I'm convinced that it was a croquet mallet that Jeffy used on Billy's head that fateful day Billy announced to all of us that he was taking over the strip from Dad. God, how Jeffy hated croquet."

-- Dolly Keane-Mitchell, "Draw Me in the Color of Pain: a Memoir" [Dave]

Late at night, I would creep back into that hovel of a kitchen and dig out a plateful of macaroni from the garbage. As I listened intently to the orders transmitted through my pronged telecom, I would cough up a digestive saliva that dissolved any organic substance and swallow it back up like the Terran housefly. As I sloughed up this primitive mixture of carbohydrates and artificial preservatives, my most frequent thoughts involved a side of fava beans and a nice Chianti.

-- From the memoirs of Dolly-Nutbustron of Sirius [The Smoking Mirror]

"It was as if Satan himself had condemned us to Hell. Here was Bil on national television saying he would continue to draw for at least another 40 years."

-- Excerpt from My Life: A Bleak and White Retrospective by Dolly Keane [TBone]

'The true misery of our situation really sank in on the day I saw Billy drawn with a head that was not only three sizes too large, but that was attached to his shoulder. And worst of all, the poor freak never even noticed.'

-- From He Drawn Us Wrong: The Dolly Keane Story [Stefan Jones]

'Mom took Bil's death unexpectedly hard. She blew up like a blimp and spent her days reading us 'letters from your dad' that she had written and mailed herself.'

-- From Circle of Madness: The Autobiography of Dolly Keane [Stefan Jones]

"...as Billy ranted on about something, my gaze was drawn to the front, where her bare calf continued to dangle and tease."

-- From Dolly Keane: Early Awakenings [Prof. Moriarity]

In my first horticultural experiment, one plant sucked up nutrients from the younger ones, one spread it's pollen for any bee that came along, one was sick, twisted and poisonous, and the last was a shriveled little stump. The irony of this didn't hit me for years.

-- Dolly Keane - A Life [Delsyn]

'We knew Mom's drinking was out of control on the night she mistook Jeffy for P.J., wedged him into size two diapers, and then mistook his cries of torment for a desire to breast feed.'

-- Dolly Keane, Circle of Fear [Hideo Spanner]

"I can still remember it all so clearly - the soundtrack from Bi-Buddies filling the house, Mom hiding in the upstairs bedroom, Billy warning me that Daddy had slipped once again into his alternate, Bruce... even the dog could sense the wrongness in that house."

-- Surviving in a Split Personality Household, Dolly Keane [Tehporp]

So Father could generate this foolish "antifreeze" sight gag, we all ended up with heat exhaustion. Thank God the neighbors finally took pity on us and called the police.

-- Dolly Keane - The Oprah Interview

Dad's incompetence was a constant shame, but sometimes it had unexpected benefits. His pathetic attempt to reinvent the 200 mpg carbourator led to us developing leg muscles that would come in handy during the evening of terror that capped his tragic life .

-- From Circle of Fear: The Dolly Keane Story[Stefan Jones]

"Here's what really caused our family's financial ruin: Daddy and Billy's tolerance to lysergic acid diethylamide built up to the point where they had to fill a whole Pringles can with the stuff."

-- Dolly Keane, The Shattering of a Young Girl's Vassar Dreams [Kevin]

Once he was liquored up, Jeffy would do almost anything for another shot of vodka. Once, I made him roll in his own excrement and then shout the lyrics to "I'm just a girl".

-- Life in the Circle: The Dolly Keane Biography [Westur the Unspeakable]

When Billy was 6, our mother became obsessed with Happy Days. She would make Billy stand for hours trying to do an Arthur Fonzarelli impression. No matter how much he complained about being hungry, tired, or having to use the toilet, she would make him stand there for hours until he got it right. That's when he started taking downers. -- Thelma Dearest by Dolly Keane Mitchell. [alanon]

We all thought it was funny when Billy stole a blanket from the Van Pelt boy and unraveled it into one long string. Forty minutes and one high-powered rifle later, no one was laughing.

-- Dolly Keane: Black Sunday [Westur the Unspeakable]

"Whenever Jeffy got lost, we'd just stay in one place and point the light at the ground. I don't know how he did it, but he found us every time. That pompous little prick never could stay out of a spotlight."

-- Memories of Jeffey, Dolly Keane-Hansen [hangtownman]

After 3 months of endlessly watering, weeding, and caring for two sick baby Oak trees, it turned out they were the feet of a buried chicken.


"As traumatic as it was to see Jeffy blow out the candles on my sixth year Birthday Cake, it was nothing compared to the blow of my 16th Birthday party, when he stole my date."

-- Dolly Keane, Jeffy Dearest [Jester]

At the time, Billy seemed unfazed by his father's cruel retort, "how 'bout the trash?" But 15 years later, he failed the MCATs, dropped out of college and became a garbageman...

-- From Growing Up in a Circle of Shame by Dolly Keane-Fortenski [Coalcracker]

"By the end of the fifth seaon, we'd lost most of our staff. We were forced to do all of the maintenance work just to keep the panel going. Here, we're cleaning up the set. Bil used to call it 'cleaning those tricky corners of the circle'. God I hated him."

-- Dolly Keane, It's a Living? Thirty Years of Cartoon Hell [Blue Gargantua]

"I grimaced. As Daddy put more film in the camera, he told me to undo the first swimsuit strap. I knew the pictures would be on the Internet in hours. But how else could we pay Mom's detox bills?"

-- From Goodbye, Dolly: Leaving the Keanes Behind by Dolly K. Robinson [Crazy Climber]

I know we were hard on Dad sometimes. But his attempts to embrace inanimate playground equipment were a cry for help so desperate even my cold heart could bear them no longer...

-- From Loveless Circle by Dolly Keane-Gingrich [Coalcracker]

Later that DAY, Jeffy and I finally hit a manic phase, but by that time Bil was so depressed it was all he could do to keep his arms raised above waist level.

-- Bipolar, Bisexual, Biding My Time: The Dolly Keane Story [ks]

I remember that beautiful afternoon as if it were yesterday. The sun was shining, Jeffy and I engaged in a playful game of tag and Dad waited at the bottom of the slide, encouraging PJ to be brave. It was one of the few bright points in my miserable childhood. We did have to crop out Billy getting mauled by Sam on the sidewalk, though.

-- Excerpt from The Dark Circle, by Dolly Keane. [Ultra-Girl]

"By this time Jeffy was so desperate for the spotlight he would take the blame for anything we did. Don't think we didn't use that to our advantage every fucking day."

-- Keen Keanes; The Collaborative Autobiography of Dolly, Billy, and PJ Keane [the skyclad answer]

"Our lives were so miserable that we sought refuge from the torment any way we could. I remember whenever we saw Jeffy carrying anything breakable we would sneak up on him and yell, 'UNCLE ROY IS LOOKING FOR YOU!'"

-- In the Circus Without a Net, Dolly Keane-Schultz [Coyote]

Towards the end of it all, Billy went delusional, grabbing any peice of wood he could find and talking about all the lovely furniture he would make. Soon after, he died from our strict diet of "gasphetti."

-- Circle Jerks by Dolly Keene-Johnson [Bill]

"This panel would have been great, but the day's shoot fell apart when, after the prop man spent two hours arranging the set, the camera angle showed that the set had no ceiling."

-- Dolly's comments on Family Circus' Funniest Bloopers, ABC [Looseleaf]

"Even though PJ was smaller, it was Jeffy who fixated on being treated like the pest he was. Terrified of flyswatters and pesticides, it was self-fulfilling prophecy; we found him face up with all four limbs in the air."

-- Dolly Keane-Yokum, Circle of Hell [Gen. Sedgwick]

While Jeffy was experiencing some rare affection holding a beloved pet, someone would activate the electric can opener. He could never figure out which one of us it was. He was too stupid to realize that we were taking turns.

-- Dolly Keane Out of the Circle and into Scientology [twomp]

"Kittycat had spawned some crazy fetish within Jeffy that was strange even for our family. It manifested itself by Jeffy dressing up like a priest and having spontaneous orgasms at the mere sight of the cat. Christ, it was spooky."

-- From Bedknobs and Broomsticks, Fetishes Exposed, by Dolly Keane-Schultz [Coyote]

"Then a blindingly bright light broke through the clouds and PJ was assumed bodily into heaven amidst a joyful chorus of angels. All I could do was stare and think 'Fuck! If he woulda told me he was the Messiah I would have been nicer to the little shit all these years.'."

-- From Now We Know What the 'J' Stood For by Dolly Keane [hangtownman]

"...'Uh... nothing! We were just... out for a walk.' But either my lie was inconvincing or the fact that Bil's legs were still trembling with his recent ecstacy gave us away. The next morning, Thel was in restraints and divers were called in to search the pond for Bil's discarded member."

-- From Who Says It's Not Natural by Dolly Keane-Keane. [hangtownman]

"My father and brother just couldn't cope with the holidays unless they got completely wrecked. By seven o'clock Dad usually sat in the other room wearing a plastic bag over his head, leaning forward occasionally to vomit into a plastic bucket. Billy just slumped at the table nursing a little Bailey's mixed with milk (for his ulcer) while arguing with our Grandpa, who was long dead. Billy usually lost those arguments, by the way."

-- An except from the diary of Dolly Keane [Cadillac Man]

"And then one day I complained about being drawn with a dumpy butt and cottage cheese thighs. I should have known what he'd do next, the bastard."

-- From Drawn Toward Daddy, the Dolly Keane Story [hangtownman]

I always suspected Mom used a little extra "motivation" to scrub the counters to a mirror finish. Then one day I found her amphetamine stash. When I came down several hours later, I could see my reflection in the driveway.

-- Dolly Keane: The Unauthorized Autobiography [Sean Q]

As ectoplasmic remains of Not Me and Ida Know churned behind our car, Billy shrieked "Take that, you invisible motherfuckers!" Sure, we all enjoyed the carnage, until someone stole Thel's meth supply again and we had nobody left to blame....

-- Excerpt from Not Me, We Hardly Knew Ye... by Dolly Keane-Know [Raven]

After about six of Thel's Special Cookies, Billy would just stand and talk to the wall for a few hours.

-- Dolly Keane, Melon-choly Memories [Ratman]

He'd launch into terrible rants, calling us names I wouldn't print in the Necronomicon, let alone a mainstream publication. Eventually, however, we realized that at those moments Billy was little more than a ventriloquist's dummy for dark forces beyond our ken. At those times, it was truly the cookie talking.

-- Circle of Life, by Sister Delilah "Dolly" Keane. [Lloyd Dobler]

"Sometimes Bil made us reenact scenes from his favorite movie, 'A Christmas Story'. One of his favorites was making PJ plunge headfirst into a bowl of mashed potatoes while chanting 'How does the piggy eat!' Other times he would just order Wizard of Oz plates off of the Home Shopping Network just so he could say 'fra-GEE-lay, must be Italian' when they came in the mail."

-- Porthole to Hell, by Delores Keane Humbert [chain link]

"They used to tease each other like this for hours on end, their mutual attraction undeniable. It's no wonder we had to take the little shit in for tetnus shots every damned week, and I don't even want to get into what we had to do for PJ!"

-- Dolly Keane, Square Pegs in a Round Hell [Riff]

"P.J.'s constant imitation of Barfy was a continual source of hilarity in our family, right up until the day he vigorously humped Grandma's leg at Grandad's funeral".

-- Dolly Keane-Etheridge, Circle of Jerks: The FC'd Up Years. [Vice Pope Doug]

...Determined to crush Billy's "effeminate" traits, my parents eventually pushed him over the edge. They were constantly taking him out for NRA meetings, beer-drinking contests, and month-long camping trips. All that Billy got out of it was lyme disease, cirrhosis of the liver, and an Oedipus complex that would make Freud gag.

-- From "Circle Of Patriarchal Bullshit", by Dolly Keane-Dworkin. [The Dog]

"And so, with just a little regret, I hopped out of my role as 'Dolly' in Family Circus to fulfill my new obligations as the Easter Bunny."

-- Vonda "Dolly Keane" McIntyre, From Circles to Ellipsoids, A Voyage of Self-Discovery. [Mr. Kontoontwon]

In 1972, we decided we were sick of all that pasketti & meat bulbs crap Thel'd been feeding us everyday since 1960, and we started dumping it behind the sofa. Then came that fateful day in '96 when Bil, high on PCP and Windex as usual, discovered the pile, and rolled around in it, screaming loudly, proclaiming himself to be Jesus.

-- It's No Wonder I'm Anorexic: Memoirs by Dolly Keane [agm]

"The she'd make us do all the housework, claiming credit for herself of course. We had to obey, what with her telescoping neck turret and remaining breast bomb. She'd gotten Billy with the first one."

-- Selection from Enslaved by a Space Alien War Robot: How We Finally Escaped, D. Keane, J. Keane, P.J. Keane [Mr. Kontoontwon]

"The day Jeffy returned from the back yard with his 'Ten Demandments', we knew the megalomania had gone too far. It only took a couple of weeks of solitary confinement, intermittent buggery and lack of stimulants to humble the little shit in a major way, but God, was it a long couple of weeks!"

-- Dolly Keane-Rodham, David Letterman Interview [Vice Pope Doug]

After Dad ran off with Uncle Roy, Mom really let herself go. The extra hundred pounds were bad enough, but then she started bringing ugly old men home. Finally, we made Billy hold an intervention....

-- Pathos and Pork Rinds: Life After Divorce, Dolly Keane [Raven]

It's not my fault that the Muzak played Beethoven. They should have known better than to put on The Ninth.

-- Dolly Keane, A Clockwork Melon [Ken]

"After she took that semiotics class Mom would be too busy searching for meaning in the list to actually go to the damn store. Thus began 'the lean years.' "

-- Dolly Keane-Yokum, Circle of Hell. [Gen. Sedgwick]

Thel, sweaty and spent, lay limp on the ironing board, the scent of a woman's passion mingled with Macanudo tobacco filling the air as "Uncle Bill"'s illegitimate offspring finally recognized their resemblance to the familiar-looking visitor -- Billy, Jefferson and P. Jefferson. Bil, the poor sap, never figured it out until the impeachment hearings.

-- D. Keane, Family Oval [Orrin Bloquy]

"Dr. Cuthbertson said the tumor could only be treated with radiation. Dad figured he'd save a few bucks and have Billy alternate sitting real close to the TV with defrost cycles in the microwave. We buried him on a Tuesday."

-- Dolly Keane, The Unauthorized Autobiography [Sean Q]

It took three weeks for any of us to realize Jeffy was possessed. Between his pot belly and his enormous ass, who could tell if his head was on backwards?

-- Dolly, Memoirs [Raven]

"We thought it was cute when Jeffy first mounted Bil and hollered "Hi-yo, Silver!"; we thought it was weird when Jeffy corralled Bil in the backyard and fed him oats and hay; and we were thoroughly disgusted when Jeffy turned the toilet into Bil's waterin' trough."

-- "The Psychotic Family Circus" by Dr. Dolly Keane [Lt. Dan]

Fuckin' Jeffy. We all had our pockets lined with food and jewelry, Grandma's bad eyesight and Alzheimers provided the perfect cover story. We weren't there, never had been. "Bye, Gamma!" Stupid shit needed to die.

-- Death Row Stories, chapter 6: Dolores "The Melonead Mangler" Keane [Paul Roub]

"Jeffy had this total fixation on Star Trek. He wore the uniforms, he'd say things like 'Engage' and 'Phasers on stun', even his development of a Shatner-like gut, it was all annoying but we didn't think it was dangerous. Then one day I caught him in the basement performing a Vulcan Mind Meld on his own tongue. The things the tongue told him put him in a mental institution for three and a half years." -- from Remembering Jeffy by Dolly Keane-Mitchell --hangtownman

Not only was the color of Thel's sky different, but the sun shone backwards for her alone. My Mother and Her Daughter: A Tug-of-War With Dental Floss, Dolores Keane-Keane, 1979. --Stan Xhiao

Fuck smack -- it was Thel's trips to Godiva that bankrupted us. Sometimes she even sent me out at the same time to get a Whitman's sampler. With the weed money, of course, the bitch." --Dolly Keane, It's Not Easy Being Keane: A Memoir --phil

"Billy got into a lot of animal rights stuff in the late '60s. I loved to freak him out by saving him only the animal crackers that were 'endangered'." --Dolly, Rememb-oirs ----Tice

It was always "I'm hungry" or "I'm tired" or "I need my insulin" ... Christ, PJ was the neediest motherfucker I ever met. Thank God he choked to death on that game piece or I woulda had to kill the piece of shit myself! "Where's My Ten Bucks?: Confessions of a Bad Babysitter" by Dolly Keane --Lt. Dan

See? Put them at ease. Tell a joke, talk about the weather, whatever. That way when you whack 'em, they don't yell and don't bleed as much...--D Keane,Chapter 6, page 232, Il Nostro Cerchio. --zen

To hold such power, such glorious power... and then, to let it slip away? Inexcusable! I'll show you how to wield such power! I'll show THE WORLD! HAAAHAHAHAAA!!! Some days, Mom would misplace Jeffy's medication. That's when the little fuck was totally unbearable... -- Dolly Keane, Memoirs --Kurt L.

When no one was looking, Jeffy would have imaginary conversations with Lincoln and Washington. When people were looking, he had loud arguments with them. The boy was seriously fucked up. -- Dolly Keane, Memoirs --Helder

"It was a mistake coming to Thel for help. Soon, Billy would be pre-treated, soaked, scrubbed, pre-treated again, and finally washed in "hot" with chlorine bleach. We were lucky to have any hide left." -- D. Keane, Memoirs--LuvBJones

"Of course, the little fucker never washed his hands afterward, and Thel let him make the hors d'oeuvres for the party. Let me tell you, every ambulance in the fucking county was there that night." Dolly: The Playboy Interview--Svingen

"Actually Jeffy had multiple personality disorder. Whenever Mom would go bezerk and start jamming things up PJ's ass, he'd start flitting around the room with an old dishrag and say his name was "Isadora". - Dolly Keane, Memoirs--maf

'The week Courtney Love and her daughter Frances crashed on our couch was a memorable one. Thel and Courtney compared heroin tracks on their arms and swapped needles and yelled 'Fuck you!' at Bil all week, and P.J. and Frances threw pieces of poo at each other. Love told Jeffy she'd pay him twenty bucks to change her kid's diaper, and never paid him. It was fuckin' hilarious.'--D. Keane: Memoirs of '94--agm

"Billy always demanded a different meal from the 'imaginary waiter.' Jeffy tried to sneak away, and I just sat quietly praying for dear life. Nothing helped, though. Those two always made us eat every last bite." --Meals Fit For A Keane, Dolorous Keane-Love--Stan Xhiao

"Either Billy was spontaneously channeling the spirit of Adolf Hitler, or it was a perfectly normal seizure response to hours of Bil's drunken, homicidal stare, coupled with liberal applications of tequila and two servings of Thel's creamed-pork fondue. Jeffy and I were already planning on how to divide Billy's room between us."--Dolly Keane, Memoirs of the Squared Circle--Tempus Fugit, the Time Flier

"He woke up that morning with the song--and its single, raw lyric--looping over and over in his mind. He couldn't make it stop. At first it annoyed him, then made him berserk. By the time he got to the office, Seasons In The Sun had a tight grip on his mind and wouldn't let go until it was appeased." --Disaster Downtown! The McCloat Building Massacre, Dr. D. Keane-Schlesinger--Stan Xhiao

Despite it all, I look back on our family games of "Find the Wet Spot" with a certain fondness -- Dolly Keene-Johnson, Circle Jerks--Bill

Like a pit-crew on the NASCAR circuit we'd change the sheets before the next "Uncle" came to visit Thel. By the time I yelled "All Clear" she was strapped to the bedposts and Billy was leading in the next customer.What We Did Last Summer by Dolly Keane--Minding Gutter

"We always did our best to 'help mom make the bed,' which was understood as 'making it impossible for mom to make the bed.' Bil thought it made for cute comic strips, and it did - until the day that we saw The Look in her eyes.....and The Knife in her hand." - from My Life As A Keane by Dolly Keane--The Enigma

"He didn't get the Daisy Red Ryder, he didn't get the Revell Visible Woman model, he didn't even get the pants he so desperately needed. The day after Christmas he mounted the highest garden shed in the neighborhood with Dad's old M-1 and picked off every pet he could scope...and the terror had just begun." --It's Her Fault: Thel Keane and the Schoolyard Slaughter, Dolorous Keane-Furman--Stan Xhiao