The Annotated DFC : Jeffy's Ego

Due, in part, to a succession of Jeffy-centric cartoons, Jeffy eventually developed quite the prima donna attitude. In the following progression you can see his rise to fame, his arrogant period and his subsequent tragic fall from grace.

..aaaaaand CUT!..Whew! God I hate these friggin' holiday shoots! Where's my assistant? Sheila! SHEILA!! Goddamn it get my agent on the phone...and fetch me a nicoise salad and an Evian, will ya! I'm starving over here..thanks Babe...oh and tell that fat pig Roseanne to stay out of my fuckin' parking space! [zazu]

"I don't give a shit if I've got the best lines; PJ's gettin' sack time with that brown sugar, Sunny, from Jumpstart; I should at least be tonguing Edda from 9Chickweed Lane!" [phonsux]

As Jeffy posed for his starring role in the 7 out of last 8 cartoons, DFCers began to get the sneaking sucspision that one of the editors had a "Jeffy fetish" [Tony's Dancing Clams]

I just got word from my agent that I've been cast in "Home Alone 4"!! Shit, where IS everyone? [Tortelvis Grenkle]

There's a loophole in my contract! There's a loophole in my contract! [a.holter]

"Cesspool that this strip is, frame for frame, I'm still the star!" [phonsux]

Welllll... Here's somethin' you don't see everyday, Thel... A whole panel without Jeffy! [Doc Evil]

After countless stupid Jeffy panels, we finally get to see the one we really wanted to see. [Pengie]

Get out of the circle, Mommy! My new contract gives me four more 'exclusives' this month! [Jeffy Ovitz]

Dolly listened without remorse at Jeffy upped his offer to a teddy bear, $1.67 in cash, one co-owned share of Microsoft stock, a pair of Lucy Van Pelt's panties and a "good gram" of crank -- to be let back into the panel. Yes indeed, Jeffy had become addicted to the spotlight. [Vice Pope Doug]

Yeah, it's great that I'm now in every cartoon, but something still has to be done about the name. My agent suggested Jeffy's Family Circus, but to be honest, I'm not willing to settle for anything less than Jeffy's World. [Noodle Muffin]

"' the next time you try an' keep me out of a panel, my agent will REALLY have your ass!" [Podbeing]

Jeffy had to get up. The plant needed to feed. He knew the fame and all the solo panels in the world weren't worth this. [alanon]

Oh, thank God! The Dolly-centric panel was just a dream! [Tortelvis Grenkle]

To counteract Jeffy's sudden rise to fame, The Artist Formally Known As Billy decides to change his name to an un-pronouncable sysmbol. [bobo]

Jeffy, she was yelling at ME. I broke the mirror. So what in the fuck are you doing in the guilt fragment with me, you scene-stealing-little-Maculay-Culkin-son-of-a-whore?!? UNION! [Trevita]

Jeffy looked sad, but secretly, he was wondering whether double inclusions in single panels were an acceptable substitutes for solo appearances. And if it was, just who was Billy sucking to get a piece of the action? [phil]

As if it wasn't enough that he already appeared in every cartoon, Jeffy's agent began insisting he appeared twice in every cartoon. [nonentity]

Whaddaya know, a panel without -- hey, wait, that's him on TV with glasses, a fake beard and an Animatronics body! God, I need Jeffy's agent! [phil]

Hey mom, how about a blow job?..... God DAMN it, my first starring panel without Jeffy in months and that's the best I can do? Fuck, I AM a hack! [Castor Troy]

"If that caption stealin' bitch doesn't shut the hell up, she'll be the next one with 17 stab wounds", thought Jeffy. [Bil's Drinkin' Buddy (disguised as Jeffy's agent)]

Look at the facts, Mom. Billy did one panel without Jeffy, and less than an hour later he's been accidently stabbed 17 times. I think someone in this family is starting to enjoy the spotlight just a little too much. [Westur the Unspeakable]

Jeffy sat there seething. Sure, he was in the panel, but without a speaking role. His agent would hear about this for sure. [Podbeing]

The realization hit him like a thunderbolt. No more hypno-hair captions. Angry messages to spinnwebe. Q rating through the roof. He was overexposed. He was dangerously overexpsoed. [Hugh Jass]

Jeffy an' Eve! It's sposed to say "Jeffy and Eve" -- my fucking agent IS going to hear about THIS!! [Vice Pope Doug]

Tough luck, kid. By the time Mommy gets through seducing your agent, P.J. will get more dialogue than you [Westur the Unspeakable]

Hey, somebody had to steal the thunder away from you, didn't they? I think I call more attention to myself here than you do in seventeen straight cartoons! [Mr. Ben]

Dolly looked up at the oncoming Jeffy, and froze. One thought ran through her mind: "If he keeps this up, he'll get put in the Difficult Zone...but first I have to survive..." [Thomas Wilde]

While Dolly stumbles upon a flower symbolizing her rapidly wilting life, Jeffy silently waited 200 yards away, the sensor of his semi-automatic rifle trained squarely on Dolly's heart. "This'll teach 'em not to leave me out of these panels anymore!" thought Jeffy as he pulled the trigger... [Mr. Ben]

Dolly looked up and froze in terror. Jeffy had the riding mower, and he was out to reclaim his stardom. [anon]

"So, Dolly, you thought a decanter-full of arsenic and a shiv to the heart was enough to get rid of me, eh? I'm back, Dolly, back from the grave, and I want my strip back!" [The Crypt Shifter]

Instead of the instant fame and fortune he so desperately craved, Jeffy received nothing but a lifetime of bitter shame when the "Star Search" judges cruelly ridiculed his answering machine lip-synch act. [Stuffy]

Hey!!! Don't look at the answering machine! Look at me! I'm the star! Quit reading the stupid answering machine message! They all say basically the same thing! Look at me!! Me!!! [Marlboro]

...later that year, Jeffy started refering to us all as his 'staff', and began insisting that we screen his calls and handle his appointments. Years later, we would look back on this as the start of the chain of events that led up to the infamous "noodle incident". -- From My Brother, My Nemesis by Billy Keane [Westur the Unspeakable]

Hold my calls. Dolly and I are going to be busy basking in our run of popularity. [agm]

During their brief moment in the spotlight, Jeffy and Dolly became intolerable: "You da man!", "No, you da man!", "You da man!", "How can I be da man, when you da man?". I was the first to spit in their snotty little faces when their empire crumbled. -- Themla Keane: It Takes a Melon [Westur the Unspeakable]

What's wrong with this backcover of Highlights? Well, Billy is humping Bil's leg while Sam is trying to tackle him, Dolly is defying the laws of physics, PJ is only slightly larger than the footbal, and Jeffy takes up less than a third of the circle, which is strictly against his contract. [nonentity]

Aw, mannnn. I had a lock on the part of Linus, you dig? A LOCK. But nooooooo, my agent says. "Peanuts" is going nowhere, he says. Schultz will be drawing cocktail napkins in five years, he says. Bil Keane is Mr. Excitement, he says. Bil Keane is Mr. Happening, he says. Crap. [Dave]

"Sheriff Jeffy" was quick to point out all of the symbolism in his new badge: In addition to "star" of the strip, each point represented a member of the Keane family revolving around the hub that was Jeffy. [wombat]

Now that Thel's knife fight with Dolly over the box of tissues had left them both dead, Jeffy--always the starstruck opportunist--saw a golden opportunity to make his big comeback. Kevin Bergeson]

This is the cartoon that finally triggered the other Keane children to start the new Usenet newsgroup alt.jeffy.die.die.die [Ratman]

I'm the star! I'M THE STAR!! ME!! STAR!! ME!!! [Namgubed the Merry Elf]

"' just so nobody forgets who this strip REALLY revolves around..." [Podbeing]

Fearing that his celebrity status has separated him from the common man, Jeffy tries an old 'pull my finger' gag to 'regain the trust of the people.' [agm]

Jeffy is disappointed by the inevitable result of his Kiss audition. [Namgubed the Merry Elf]

Yeah, listen sweetie. I don't care if he's got Dogbert and the fucking King of Id in with him right now. You get that fuck Murray on the phone right now so he can tell me why I'm in full costume in a solo shot. Murray? Noone can recognize me, Murray. And if noone knows I'm Jeffy, WHAT THE FUCK GOOD IS A SOLO??? [xian, the boy with the monkey heart]

"The day that Jeffy scored a solo panel holding a piece of unidentifiable flotsam was the day it all went truly haywire. Billy took to the pets with a phillips screwdriver. Dolly gutted Bil with a weedwhacker like he was a 220 pound trout. That useless Roy Washington just sat in the corner reading his precious Bible and shaking. Thank God I had my valium and cognac, or who know how bad it might have really gotten". -- Thelma Louis Keane, The Day the Circus Died, Harlequin Press 1998 [Vice Pope Doug]

Jeffy didn't care what the hell he had to hold, as long as he was featured. [Vice Pope Doug]

Hah!" thought PJ -- if anyone can out-cute this megalomaniacal little fuck, I can!! [Vice Pope Doug]

"After the kid's older brother tried fifteen times to get into the shot, I gave up on intercutting to show the regression and decided to stick with the old man for the soup eating scene." -- Stanley Kubrick, The Making of 2001: A Space Odyssey [Gen. Sedgwick]

#43: Here Billy gets a solo shot and talks into the wrong end of the phone! Now do you understand why I get so many solo panels? [Jeffy Keane (as told to Gen. Sedgwick)]

"By god, you are right, my brother! I'm gonna take it straight to the man!" Jeffy couldn't help but smile as Dolly marched to her doom. Soon...soon the circle would be his again. "Good on ya, mate" he thought, his mind a dark, oily place... [Paul "Dante" Reed]

...quit your cryin or i'll kick you again you scene stealin little shit.....oh hi dad....nothin....just talkin to P.J. about pasghetti! [Waldo]

"Jeffy is a glory-grabbing little dipshit". Like we didn't know that. These things are rigged. [Vice Pope Doug]

"Cut!! Dammit, I don't care what his contract says. If he's gonna keep forgetting his lines, I'm outta here. How much brainpower does it take to remember the word "p'sghetti" anyway?" [Podbeing]

Jeffy stood in the background, pondering his life. Once, he was lord of the circle; then, he settled for foreground, non-speaking roles. Now, he was so far back, that only his bacon-hair and Billy in the front made him recognizable. A small tear rolled down his cheek, but nobody noticed. [Thany, who has listened to "The Lonely Kicker" one too many times]

Let me in! My contract 'cifically states that I must entirely appear in the panel! This is a breach of contract, you old bag! Now, let me in! [Mr. Ben McClellan]

"Whenever Jeffy got lost, we'd just stay in one place and point the light at the ground. I don't know how he did it, but he found us every time. That pompous little prick never could stay out of a spotlight." Memories of Jeffey, Dolly Keane-Hansen [hangtownman]

Shhh! If you want to be in a cartoon without Jeffy, you got to be quiet. [Bubba]

There are FIVE mistakes in this drawing. See if you can find them! Answers - 1. Billy is "reading". 2. Dolly is drinking a "30" 3. Jeffy is not center panel 4. Everyone knows PJ is a golf fan 5. Bil has stubble, yet Thelma has none! [Stiles]

"It's just not enough to be in the frame, is it, you prima-donna turd? Relight them before I give you a four knuckle high-colonic." [twomp]

"What the fuck? PJ gets gross points and a chauffeur for his non-speaking part, while Billy, Dolly and I still have to share a parking space. You bet you're going to hear from my agent!" [The Dork Wanderer]

While Jeffy whined about PJ being noticeably cuter than him in this strip, violating some contract stipulation or other, PJ blissfully ignored him. Ah, thought PJ, nothing like the feeling of filling up a fresh pair of diapers. [Jester]

By age 6, Jeffy's terror tactics and megalomania had reached new heights. One of his favorite methods was to go over the panels for the next week, and smash any that were "unfavorable" to him. Too frightened to speak out, Mom just calmly picked up the pieces. -- from "Circle Jerk -- The shocking truth about Jeffy Keane" by Perry Julius Keane. [The Dog]

Wait a minute -- it's not revolving around me! Get my agent on the phone!!! --Gen. Sedgwick

Yeah yeah, look smug, kittycat. There were once a bunch of Jeffy cartoons posted in succession, too. Now what? Nothin.' Just the occasional camping trip and wheelbarrow ride. [ol' franklin]

"Suddenly, in a quiet week in April, the stardom got to Jeffy. He cracked. He'd spend all day singing love songs to the cat, in a deep baritone voice that Barry White would envy." from Thelma Keane's "He Used to be Such a Good Boy" [the skyclad answer]

That's it, Kittycat, you and me are friends, right? You and me are going to take over this strip, right? [Joe Z]

"Ha-ha, Jeffy," thought Kittycat. "You are gone, but I'm still in the spotlight. Do you still think your agent is better than mine?" [hangtownman]

"Hell, we should have seen it coming. With Kittycat getting a blitzkreig of attention, it was no wonder that Jeffy 'accidentally' dropped the carton of milk on the spinal cord. Later that night I could swear I heard giggling from Jeffy's room." -- From, Blessed are the Beasts, Pancho Jorge Keane, DVM. [Coyote]

"It got to the point where Jeffy didn't even care anymore. He'd show up on the set, wrists still bleeding from his latest dose, ordering me to edit it out later, and to top it all off he still expected us to pull his damned finger. If it wasn't for that roll of film, I would've erased him long ago ... " from Livin' in a Bubble by Bil Keane [Riff]

Well, if Jeffy's contract allows him free escorts and the company limo, I should at least be entitled to a fucking free cookie! [agm]

"The day Jeffy returned from the back yard with his 'Ten Demandments', we knew the megalomania had gone too far. It only took a couple of weeks of solitary confinement, intermittent buggery and lack of stimulants to humble the little shit in a major way, but God, was it a long couple of weeks!" -- Dolly Keane-Rodham, David Letterman Interview [Vice Pope Doug]

"Oh, Jesus... Look Frank, I've got to let you go. Thel's gone premenstral and is bitchslapping the megolmania out of Jeffy. I've got to find my sketch pad before her bony arms give out!" [Ellie D.]

Jeffy was astonished. Not only was Bil interupting HIS solo, but he was also taking one of HIS danishes! Heads would roll. [Monkey Punch]

"Where the fuck is my deli tray?" [Kai Robinson]

Sick of Jeffy's prima donna attitude, Keane and Cowles engineer a blockbuster trade that sends the disgruntled player to Peanuts for Franklin and a 2nd round draft pick. [Hang Lose]

Damn Him! thought Dolly. Even on the Astral plane, I can't get away from that scene stealing little shit! [Westur the Unspeakable]

Here we witness a young Dolly Keane bawling her eyes out and...whoa, hey! There goes Jeffy again! It's a new world record folks! Eighty-nine straight panels featuring the curly headed little fuck! [SnoopyCow]

Dolly's banshee-wail rendition of "Don't Cry for Me, Argentina" was enough to get even Jeffy to leave the scene. [Magus]

Don't mind me, just a cameo. Go on with your scene like I'm not even here. Don't be distracted in any way by the biggest goddamn star you sorry fucks will ever see. [Brettt Maverick]

"Oh yeah? Well, who gives a rat's ass if I'm not your favorite any more? I've got a clause in my contract that says you and the brat get a one-way ticket to Apartment 3-G if you try fuckin with me." [anon]

"Okay, I've made my appearance. I'm going back to bed now." [Shem]

Thursday I was on a roll: feeding PJ those Ex-Lax cookies, peeing in the doorway, goosing Thel and greasing the kitchen floor. Given that the scene-stealer was there for the whole thing, I had no problem whatsoever beating the rap. -- Not Me, Is that a Smoking Gun, or Do You Just Want Me to Pull Your Finger? [Ken]

"Ha, ha! I have the only speaking part!" [Twomp]

"Don't mind me, I'm just doing another freaking cameo. You know, if any of you other sorry fucks had an ounce of charisma, I wouldn't have to drag my ass through every single strip during sweeps!" [Hang Lose]

"Alright, move aside. Cash cow coming through." [Helder]

DFC #429
"I'm drawin' pretty pictures, an'--hey. Hey, wait a second. God DAMN it! This is a picture of Jeffy! Get that little scene stealing fuck in here! He's a dead man!" [Pete]

DFC #431
"Ow! Not in the face! For the love of God, not in the beautiful, movie-star-profile, idolized-by-millions FACE!" [Pete]

DFC #435
Jeffy brought the scope to bear on Dolly. "Steal my spotlight, will you?" He thought, stroking the trigger. "The next newspaper section you're gonna see is the 'bitchuaries!" --Hang Lose

DFC #437
Jeffy never realized it was Satan masquerading as Dolly. Before long, the poor fool was ready to offer up his immortal soul in exchange for the lead role in the comic. He never dreamed the fame and stardom would only bring him scorn from the DFC and shame from the rest of us. -- P.J. Keane, A Life --jan

DFC #438
I sincerely hope there's a sloganed T-shirt in one of those bags. Otherwise, Jeffy's going to be unhappy, and when he's unhappy, the director's unhappy, and we wind up having to reshoot every scene four times. Capiche? --Coalcracker

DFC #439
"I don't care what your fucking agent says. I am not pre-chewing this for you!" --scoob

During contract negotiations, Bil drew this symbolic cartoon: Blowing Smoke up Jeffy's ass. --Bad Girl

DFC #441
Jeffy was so high and mighty that, even early in his career, he insisted on every bit of food he ate being served on an english muffin. --The Mad Hatter

DFC #442
Thel! He said he's canceled my contract! Can he do that? --Terminus

"I played the lead in Hamlet for the Shakespeare Theater Company, for God's sake, and now you have me reading tripe like, "Daddy's hugs give me goose-dimples"?? Well, this mortal coil is shuffling off to his trailer and calling it a day!" --Hang Lose

Years of therapy: $48,000. Multiple courses of IV antibiotics: $5,600. Buying Bil and Roy a timeshare weekend at Fire Island: $15,500. The look on the little fucker's face as he realizes he's never getting another solo panel again: priceless. --zen

My contract specificly allows me to hide stupid T-shirt slogans, if I so choose! --Namgubed the Merry Elf

"B-but... I'm the star! They should love me! ME!" --frer

DFC #444
"I'm no rocket scientist, but there's no way this cartoon'll bomb! Why, I'd just go ballistic! Practically explode! But seriously though, I'm need some guidance...." After 783 straight appearances, Jeffy's humor noticibly waned - especially when he started bringing in the props. --Die Fledermaus

DFC #446
"Look mom, it's not that I don't want to drink your blood and join your army of the night, but my agent says that without a share of the gross merchandising and a guaranteed minimum of the revenues, my hands are tied." --Helder

DFC #447
Jeffy's on vacation; Billy will be the unmitigated center of the universe this week. Look alive, Billy. --Orrin Bloquy

DFC #451
Out of the panel, has-been! There's a new sheriff in town, and her name is Dolly Keane! --Black Cupid

DFC #455
"Protest all you want, older brother, snickered Jeffy. My contract says I make the big entrances around here. You'll be lucky to get a bowl of cold chum soup." --Ready When You Are, Mr. Shatner!, Jeffrey "Jeffy" Clottus Keane --Stan Xhiao

DFC #458
Looks like somebody's contract has been... heh heh... renegotiated.--flodnak

Proud, erect bearing, show the camera my best side, and click I'm beautiful, click the camera loves me, click...--Withnail

"No! No! Don't look at the camera, you moron!" The sounds of the director screaming meant one thing: Jeffy's transition to television was NOT pretty.--Spectre

"As Jeffy's popularity waned, he started to get desperate. After a while, I could get him to do almost anything in return for a featured role." -- from Guilty Pleasures, by Thelma Keane--Joe Z

Even doing menial tasks, Jeffy reveled in his fabulousness.--Stealth

Jeffy tosses out his latest contract proposal after Bil wiped his ass with it.--El Caballero

Sometimes even I couldn't believe what I'd stoop to in order to get into the spotlight. -- Jeffery Clinton Keane, Yeah, Well I'm Famous-er Than You, Asshole!--Helder

"Roman emperors were followed by a lackey who whispered 'You are only a man' to remind them of their imperfections. Bil just stuck a shit-soaked diaper on my hand." --I'm The Fav'ritest, Jeffery Tiberius Keane--Stan Xhiao

It was at this point when Jeffy learned that the spotlight was shifting.--E. A. Blair

DFC #459
"That's right, I want to dedicate You Are So Beautiful. Whaddaya mean, 'to whom'?"--scoob

DFC #460
And now for the end-of-day DFC commodities report. Boys' Nostrils: zero, down 2. Thel's Breasts: 1 1/2, up a half. Jeffy's Ego: 185, unchanged. Ink Percentage 15, up 11 3/4. Bil's Eyes: 20/80, down 120.--Ken

DFC #461
"The depositions were long and tedious, but it was worth every hour we spent. Finally the Justice Department had enough evidence for its anti-trust suit against Jeffy and the courts ordered him broken up two months later. The reign of terror had ended at last." -- from Freeing the Circle by William Keane--hangtownman

DFC #464
Nothin' in this contract says I gotta spend 15 hours a week with that smelly lil' bastard, so I'm goin' to the trailer.--Nethicus

And in clause 34(a), it specifically prohibits any object resembling bacon more than my hair does. The drapes go or I call Murray.--Orrin Bloquy

DFC #471
So let's say this ball represents Earth. Now, in our Divinely Ordained, Jeffy-Centric universe...--Bill