DFC Memoirs: Jeffy

"This picture was taken seconds before the 'incident'. I had to have an operation to remove the toy from my intestinal tract, and it slowed production down for weeks. Dolly was openly jealous of me and sadistically tormented me every chance she got. She was especially vicious after she had been drinking heavily, which was pretty much all the time."

-- From "Dolly Dearest: Memoirs of Jeffy Keane" [Greg J (also copying Felix)]

"Sometimes my father would get so wasted from glue sniffing that all he could do was stand in a cold shower to ease the pain in his head, while yelling about Nietzsche being right. Then, Billy would take over the cartooning even though he couldn't draw for shit. Chip off the old block, y'know? Anyway, my mother would submit this drivel, and America found it adorable. Small wonder I ended up slaughtering those nuns, huh?"

-- Jeffy "Curling Iron" Keane, the San Quentin Interviews [Vice Pope Doug]

"Eventually we realized what was going on around us, and we made a game of trying to make the jokes extremely obvious. One little gem of mine that always cracked the family up was when I held phallic symbols in front of my very round mouth."

-- From Under Scrutiny: Geoffery Keane's Struggle in the Dysfunctional Family Circus [Jim Smith]]

"From his cartoons alone, you might think that's my hair. In fact, those are callouses and scars."

-- From The Clown's Tears by Jeffery Keane [Mike Smith]

For Billy, the worst thing about being made into the new `slugboy' for Grandma's traveling freak show was having his sessile form pummeled by a jealous baby brother..'

-- From Circle of Pain by Jeffey Keane [Stefan Jones]

It was like some demented Pavlovian experiment. Dolly had seen "9 1/2 Weeks" so many times she became stimulated upon first sight of ice cubes

-- Jeffrey Keane - See you in the Funny Papers [Riff]

We are not alone in the universe--not even when we want to be, especially if we have a sister like Dolly.

-- Jeffy, Memoirs [Kevin]

"Sometimes Billy would give off these lines. Was he talking? In pain? Really clean? Radioactive? Bil would never say. It made improvisation harder than Hell. Don't even get me started on never knowing which way the door was going to open. This one almost took my hand off."

-- From I am Not Jeffy by Geoff Keane [Peon]

"Once again, Dolly blew the take by pointing in the wrong direction. Her continued presence proved you could fuck your way to the top in the cartoon business."

- Jeff Keane, Memoirs [P.T. Swizzlestick]

"And every time she put in that blasted Barry White CD, Mom said she was Gonna Love Me Love Me Love Just A Little More"

-- My Name Is Jeffrey by J. Keane [anon]

"For one brief instant Thel looked into my eyes, at the sheer terror and helplessness that lay there amidst my tears. I hoped with every fiber of my being that she would realize how frightened I was; how much I needed her to keep me safe. Then the frigid bitch followed through on her swing and heaved me out of my own bedroom window."

-- From "Can You Hear the Keane-ing of My Soul" by Jeffy Keane. [Rich Lather]

I called PJ over to the window just in time to see a pair of crows swoop down on the starling and rip its little body to shreds. To this day, all I have to do is make caw-ing noises to send PJ into a crying fit.

-- Jeffy Keane, "Torment Your Siblings for Fun And Profit"

"I'd finally finished writing my thesis on A Dialectic Approach to Split Particle Physics, and I rushed to show dad. The next morning I found out he'd put the caption 'Hey Dad! I wanna write a thank-you note to the tooth fairy!' I was crushed. A little boy died that day, and became a bitter man."

-- Jeff Keane In This Circus, the Clowns are Crying on the Inside -- A Family Circus Memoir [Jester]

So, while Dolly and Billy strung Bil up in his den, I took care of the suicide note. The cops never suspected until that damn Doctor Quincy got nosey.

-- Jeffy Keane, The Deadly Circle

I unflinchingly stared at Billy, knowing that eventually he'd look my way. At that point, the "Hypno-Hair" would do the rest."

-- Jeffy, Not Too Keane on the Family Circus [anon]

"Bil loved the power he wielded over us. He'd coop us up in featureless white rooms for months on end. Then he'd offer us the promise of an outdoor vingette and we'd serve his every sick whim. But on the appointed day, he would gleefully add a tornado bearing down on the yard and drive us out into it."

Jeffery Keane, Children of a Drunken God [Blue Gargantua]

"The dream was always the same: The toilet as a porcelain butter churn, Daddy the fetching Milk Maid, and I the lonely farm hand."

-- Excerpt from "Keane There, Done That" by Jeffery Keane [womba]

..and I remeber me mum reading me the bible. Me favorite bit was when she read me about Jesus and I vidied meself whipping the great white christ and making the red red crovey flow real horrorshow like..

-- Jeffy X:Case study #114A-12 psychopathic behaviour journal [anon]

Attaching Dad's head to the cat after the unfortunate "Piano wire football" incident led to some unexpectedly humorous situations.

-- From The Family Freakshow by J. Keane [Riff]

"...Then, as Dolly was going on about why we were so late, the acid finally kicked in... and kicked in hard. I hadn't thought about poor Orville Yeahol in years, but there he was, the knife embedded in his skull as if I'd just done it yesterday, the dumb bastard always was the only one who could figure out how to pass into the other place. That was when I decided that it was time to go sober."

-- Confessions; a Jeffy Keane Story [Kwang the Almighty]

Being under contract with Bil was like being under contract with the Devil. We tried hundreds of ways to get ourselves fired, but even when PJ stopped shaving for a month, Bil found a way to keep him in the strip.

-- From The Endless Circle By Jeffrey Keane [Riff]

"At first, Dolly's powers were limited to levitating her dolls and turning 'My Little Pony' figures inside out. Then she had her first period, and all hell broke loose."

-- From White Circle, Dark Circus by Jeffy Keane [Hideo Spanner]

"The subliminal messages in the re-release of The Little Mermaid drove Dolly over the edge. She roamed the streets wearing her Micky Mouse hat, with a copy of The Aristocats under her arm, cornering total strangers and inviting them to 'Rap about Walt' with her"

-- From Dark Circus, White Circle by Jeffy Keane [Stefan Jones]

But the worst thing of all was seeing the planes overhead, flying to the Colored Lands, so tantalizingly close, yet so unreachable. -- Jeffrey C. Keane, Syndicates and Superglue: The Life of a Cartoon Baby [Marnen Laibow-Koser]

"As we stood there, wondering what Mom had ordered, Billy just stared at her, rocking back and forth on his heels, wearing the T-shirt from his favorite movie, and muttering the word "Greed." Maybe I should have seen the warning signs, but hell, I was only five years old.

-- Confessions by Jeffrey Keane [anon]

With mock fear, Billy yelled out, "Dad! The cops are right behind you!" The ruse always worked; he'd turn around and get off the see-saw. It usually meant a sore rear end, but at least it brought an end to the Suspension Torture.

-- From Jeff Keane's "You're Not My Real Father: Surviving the Bil Keane Years." [Golf]

"I learned early on to carefully structure my communication so neither my parents nor my siblings were motivated to initiate reprisals against me. I was a creative child, and of course, my mother never suspected that my endearing hugs against her lucious, braless bosom were sexually motivated until a much later age".

-- From "Impeachment Can Be Keane", autobiography of William Jefferson Keane, 60th President of the United States. [Vice Pope Doug]

"I was a bit shocked when I learned why the milkman paid mommy."

-- Jeff Keane, Circle of Keaning [The 13th Angel]

In retrospect, I suppose we all should have been a little suspicious that Dad always kept his list of non-extradition-treaty countries absolutely up to date.

-- From If This isn't a Circus, then Who Are These Clowns? by Goeff Keane [Westur the Unspeakable]

Billy, who was looking back over his shoulder never saw the sudden eruption of steam from the geyser until it was too late. After that day, we always referred to him as "old faceless".

-- Excerpt from Blood On You, Fate; Jeffrey Keane's Fight For Self Direction [Norm DePlume]

"Billy's body slumped over the table across from me, his life's blood pooling on the floor. P.J. stared in shocked silence while Dolly screamed and screamed, but Thel calmly wiped the pistol clean and went to answer the phone. We never spoke of it, but none of us ever tried to buy Reading Railroad again."

-- Circle of Fear, by Jeff Keane [Mycroft]

...And should we ever get the bastard angry...oh, god, it was horrible. He'd draw all kinds of shit on us just to teach us a lesson. One time he put a tail on Peej, made his eyes bleed and fused him to the wagon for not eating all his peas. I nearly puked when I first saw it."

-- Arnold "Jeffy" Keane, Rings of Fire [Jamey Powell]

"I was pretty suprised the day PJ built a wagon out of a cake pan, a crowbar, and four mismatched saucers. I was completely floored when he used it to qualify fourth in the Daytona 500."

-- From I.Q. on You, Mate! Biography of PJ Keane, Boy Genius [Westur the Unspeakable]

"The new strain of experimental steroids were beginning to work. Kittykat's size was doubling every day and was already bigger than PJ. Soon I will be able to unleash my army of mutant housecats to take over the world!"

-- Excerpt from Mein KittyKat by Jeffy Von Keene [anon]

"It was hard being a five year old master thief. Like the time I stole the Shroud of Turin from the Vatican, and my mother found it and ran it though the hot cycle."

-- Wasted Youth by Sir Geoffrey Keane [hangtownman]

Percival Jebediah Keane - ever the master at passive-aggressive annoyance - could simultaneously piss off his sister and kittycat by simply standing still: Kittycat was easy - he'd just block the warmth of the sun. Dolly was tougher, but a diet rich in cruciferous vegetables and beans washed down with plenty of Tequila could bring tears to the eyes of even the strongest of men.

-- Jeffery Keane "Stories in the Round" [Crumbcake]

"That shirt soon became my curse. I remember the time Kittycat viciously attacked me. I needed help to reach the towels before I bled to death, but all I got was, Blood on you, Mate"

-- From Circle on you, Fate: My struggle for identity, by Jeffy Keene. [CrAsH]

"Winters were hard on all of us. We'd be snowed in for months on end and would grow to loathe the sight of one another. Dolly would stop speaking to me and start to withold sexual favors. Mom would fry up shoe leather once the meat ran out. Billy, long out of any proper liquor, would drink Sterno sqeezings, cleaning products, anything to keep the spiders at bay for another few hours. But it was Dad that freaked me out the most. Insisting that the 'Family Routine' appear normal, he would have us act out our cutsie little antics while he would read the paper each evening, even though the last one had been delivered seven weeks ago, and we'd killed and eaten the paper boy."

-- From Why I Left Wisconsin by Jeffrey H. Keane [hangtownman]

"Years of torment finally took their toll on Dolly. One day she just pulled her panties down to her ankles and chanted, 'The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog...' Christ, it was so pathetic I almost forgot to laugh."

-- From "Waist 34, Inseam 13, The Corpulent Years." Jeffy Simmons-Keane [Coyote]

"PJ was the first to go. We tore his limbs from his lifeless body and used the meat and marrow to sustain us for a few weeks. After that, Dolly and I consipired together to take Thel out, and her breasts alone fed us for a month. Well, you can imagine how silly we felt when we realized that the net had never closed up properly and we could have walked away any time we wanted to...."

-- From Circles of Hell: The Decline and Fall of the Circus of Debauchery by J. Keane. [Sinister]

"The Computer Age allowed my ever-increasingly alcoholic father to employ newer and cheaper short cuts in his cartoons. From 1983-1989, Thel's face was often drawn using the ASCII characters ' : V I '

-- From 'Circle of Denial', by Jeff Keane, MCSE [Smokey]

The wildfires made their way up the street, cutting off our escape. Soot blackened everything, PJ was burnt to a crisp and Bil just sat there, trying to figure out what to do with the Three of Diamonds. Of course I left the fucker behind!

-- It Goes on the Black Four!: The Jeffy Keane Story [Raven]

To this day, I've never seen anyone do coke like Billy. He'd pour several kilos onto the windowsill, and inhale it with his mouth because he couldn't get it through his nose fast enough. He'd have so much powder in the air, we had to wear protective suits to go anywhere near him. The producers covered it up by doing only "winter" scenes -- fortunately, nobody noticed it was July.

-- Excerpt from "White Lines in the Circle", by Jeff Keane. [The Dog]

In this cartoon, Cowles editors had to white out the bars from the windows, change the eyes from X's to dots, and swap in a generic horizon for the interior of the garage. The following week, Billy made his first appearance as guest cartoonist while Bil went "on vacation".

-- The Compleat Annotated Family Circus, by Prof. Geoffrey Keane [Sean Q]

While Dolly prattled on, I could only think of one thing... how much I wished my jammies has a nifty floral pattern, too.

-- From Family Circle, Pink Triangle by Jeffey Keane-Fierstein [Coalcracker]

"I remember the beating I got for 'causing' the water damage... that bastard... but Bil got it back in fucking spades when we won our class action suit against him. He just never understood that HE drew us... HE drew our limbs so fucking short... HE drew faucets that wouldn't turn off... HE drew sinks with no overflow drains..."

-- Jeffy Keane: Bedsores from the Therapist's Couch - A Journey Back from the Edge of the Circle [CrumbCake]

Everyone dreaded it when Thel would imitate Celine Dion. After purging a meal of p'sghetti, she would lock us inside and sing 'All By Myself' for hours on end. There was just no stopping her -- we simply had to escape. We almost made it, but Billy blew it when he took too long to pack his stupid Hilfiger T-shirts. Thel caught us, and the resulting "performance" lasted four days. I never forgave the little bastard for that one.

-- From "Captive Audience" by Jeff Keane [The Dog]

Billy was so awe-struck by the featureless void that he again began to drool uncontrollably. That was when the voice of the cookie told him what he must do to the rest of his family. And the rest can be read in the papers.

-- Helter Skelter 2: Innocence Lost by Jeff Keane [Feren]

"We all -- especially Dolly -- learned an important lesson that day: Never sass a stressed-out housewife, especially not one who can throw a hot iron harder than Nolan Ryan."

-- From And I Alone Am Survived to Tell Thee by Jeffy Keane [Shem]

"The she'd make us do all the housework, claiming credit for herself of course. We had to obey, what with her telescoping neck turret and remaining breast bomb. She'd gotten Billy with the first one."

-- Selection from Enslaved by a Space Alien War Robot: How We Finally Escaped, D. Keane, J. Keane, P.J. Keane [Mr. Kontoontwon]

"This incident seemed rather harmless at the time. Dolly always tried to sic Barfy on Pink and we thought nothing of it. Then, thirty years later when he was a world famous rock n' roll singer, Pink calls me from a hotel room in London, drunk off his ass and babbled about how Dolly and Barfy was 'the first brick in the wall.' I didn't know what to make of it until they found my little brother naked and hanging from a ceiling in a Motel 6 in Philly."

-- Excerpt from Little Brother Lost: The Fall and Death of Pink J. Keane, by William & Jeff Keane, Melonball Press. [Mr. Ben McClellan]

One of Thel's favorite games was to drive to the country and drop us all off in different meadows with nothing but two slices of bread and our wits to get us home. Rumor has it that I'm actually the fifth of seven children. Not everyone was smart enough to just head for the seagulls that permanently hovered over our shithole of a home...

-- Jeffrey Keane; "Diary of a Melonhead" [SlappyJack]

"Even with all the gene therapy and airbrushing, sometimes it was all too clear that we were nothing more than fourty year old 'children' stuck in these roles. I remember one shot where somebody in post-production failed to hide Billy's bald spot. Jesus, Bil went balistic, tearing up the office in a drunken rage. To try to cover for it, he ran eight straight Sunday panels with 'St. Billy the Friar' dispensing Biblical wisdom."

-- From Circle of Lies by Jeffy Keane [hangtownman]

I was always amazed at how many washings my cheapskate mother could get out of a set of 'Chinet'.

-- From The Frugal Whore, by Geoff Keane [Westur the Unspeakable]

... and the next day we woke up to discover that we could no longer reach our private parts. I think Dolly took it the hardest.

-- Jeffery Keane, If This Is The Circus, I'd Hate To See The Sideshow [Helder]

Dolly cried and cried the day Bil forbade her from seeing Cathy Guisewite. Who will watch Xena with me? Who will braid my hair until my eyes bleed? Who will rub fat-reducer cream on my pudgy thighs? Who will give a flyin' fuck, I thought.

-- Dead Man Skippin': The Death Row Remembrances of J. Hermann Keane [stna lazy boy xhiao]

The mescaline was kicking in hard. I walked into the kitchen, trying to play it cool. "Hi Dad, how's it- whoa, never mind." I turned around fast, before the lizards or the elf in the disposal saw me. I didn't know what Bil was doing but I didn't want it to ruin my trip. He had completely emptied the jar of liquid acid, enough to turn a small stadium full of groupies into snarling lunatics. Baaaad craziness. Later on that night Bil tied Thel up, convinced she was "in with Jesus". Dolly and I had to talk him down, mostly through the help of a judicious quantity of Wild Turkey that seemed to steady his nerves. Before he passed out he drew an extra arm on PJ, convinced it looked better. That was the last time we sold Bil anything stronger than Thai stick.

-- An excerpt from Fear and Loathing on the Playground, Hunter S. Thompson's forthcoming account of growing up stoned. [FupDuck]

To pass the time, I'd often play 'What does Dolly's breath smell like?' Our longest game lasted over three hours before it occurred to me that the 7th Fleet had recently been in port. -- Excerpt from Like Mother, Like Daughter: An Unauthorized Biography by Jefferson Clinton Keane --Helder

"One time, my sister went on and on about the family's bitchin' new stereo speakers and how that was proof that we had arrived in the '90s. I didn't have the heart to tell her that Dad had simply taped some old air conditioning filters up on the wall." -- from D'Jeffy A. Keane, No Exit: Hell Is Other Melons --scoob

PJ swears we gave him some bad shit that night, but I'm here to tell you, he was never right to begin with. - Jeffy Keane, Trippin' to the rhythm of the rain --Page Fault

"I was finally thrown out of the house after I demanded 'hamburglars' on Thanksgiving Day. Bil beat the living crap out of me and tossed me into the street. Soon after, I became a roadie for the band that was to change my life, the Quivering Rectal Cavities." -- Jeffy Keane, You'll Never Eat Gaspetti In This Town Again --Pete

"I knew that if I wanted to succeed, I would have to practice often." Excerpts from My life as an Electric Football Player Model, by Jeffy "Melonhead" Keane --Drummer

I watched in astonishment...Billy and Father Rossazona stood, eyes locked in what would eventually lead to a fifteen-year sentence for the Reverend. Still, I've never seen Billy in love like that...--My Circle, My Story, by Jefferson Lincoln Rockwell Keane --zen

Here's a picture of Billy in the last days before we committed him. His only friends were Animal Crackers, and even they mauled him occasionally. -- Jethro "Jeffy" Keane, Circular Logic --Krazy Llama

"Bil was a terrible babysitter. Not only did he misplace Billy's insulin, he also prepared a lunch of Animal Crackers, Pixie Sticks, and Jolt! Cola. But man, he could plan a beautiful funeral."-- Jefferson Keane, as quoted by Newsweek Magazine --Hang Lose

Jeffy stood motionless, frozen in horror; PJ had just consumed an entire grocery bag of Minute Rice... In 60 seconds, the entire wedding party would be covered in toddler entrails. "Please, Throw Bird Seed at Your Wedding: the PJ Keane Tragedy" by Jefferson Klinghoffer Keane --Lt. Dan

"When he and his new wife were done running the gantlet, the groom had to fight Bil's latest steroid-inflated 'champion.' I don't know what Bil had against the institution of marriage, but weddings were never easy on the set." -- Jeffy Keane, I Started a Joke --Tom Madigan

"When Bil and Thel were away, we would often put down their beastiality and S&M magazines and raid the hidden cache of history books Billy kept hidden under his bed. That was how PJ learned to read." -Jeffy, Memoirs --The Dork Wanderer

"Due to Bil's insistance that we buy our books from the 'factory second' stores, we all grew up with the notion that Washington came after Lincoln." - Sen. J. Keane (R - KY) --The Puckman

"Protest all you want, older brother, snickered Jeffy. My contract says I make the big entrances around here. You'll be lucky to get a bowl of cold chum soup." --Ready When You Are, Mr. Shatner!, Jeffrey "Jeffy" Clottus Keane --Stan Xhiao

"She'd just stand there poking his face for hours, often raising bruises. Billy just stood there, staring at her until they both came. Craziest fuckin' S&M trip I ever saw." -- Jeffy Keane, interview for Swank--phil

"Being a cartoon character isn't all it's cracked up to be. Some people think that never aging would be a great thing. But as long as we exist, PJ will always shit himself." - excerpt from Jeffy's interview with Barbara Walters--Opos

If there was anything I hated more than handling PJ's dirty diapers, it was having to open up the time capsule to put it with the rest of them. Why Thel and Bil wanted these as the momentos of his childhood I'll never know. -The Repressed Memoirs of Jeffy Keane--N. Viro, Mentally Friendly.

Sometimes even I couldn't believe what I'd stoop to in order to get into the spotlight. -- Jeffery Clinton Keane, Yeah, Well I'm Famous-er Than You, Asshole!--Helder

"Roman emperors were followed by a lackey who whispered 'You are only a man' to remind them of their imperfections. Bil just stuck a shit-soaked diaper on my hand." --I'm The Fav'ritest, Jeffery Tiberius Keane--Stan Xhiao

"The one panel he ever did that could actually use a pennant and he tries to get creative. It's no wonder I can never get past the Fourth Step." -Amends, Jeffy Keane.--Stan Xhiao

"When Bil got Photoshop for Christmas, it just got worse. The sick bastard started superimposing his voyeur upskirt shots of Thel onto our little league photos. I was never the same." -- The Four Foul Rule: An Autobiography, Jeff Keane--Zest-fully Me! (arghhhhhh)

"In real life his involvement in our sports was limited to screaming obscenities and throwing cocktail onions at the kids on the other team. And that was nothing compared to what he used to do at Dolly's ballet recitals." --I Lived A Frightmare, Jeffrey Keane--Stan Xhiao

"When Bil went through his heaviest boozing, he'd often rip his cartoons to shreds and storm out. If I wanted to eat, it was my job to stitch the panel back together and send it to Cowles before he got back from the bar..." -- From Circle of Pain, Circle of Shame by Jeffy Keane-Eisner-Katzenberg--Coalcracker (self-salvaging)