DFC Memoirs: P.J.

It was a common scene. Our parents were going out on the town, but first Billy would confront Mom in the bedroom, demanding that she choose: the old man or him. This terrible tableau played out, everyone ended up in tears. But after the adults left, Billy would vent his rage on me, as usual.

-- "Don't call me P.J." by Peter J. Keane. [sigar]

"I would later learn that, of course, my father was watching the entire scene, drawing it for publication in millions of newspapers. Hell I was two years old--how funny is it that half of my butt is sticking out , anyway?"

-- From It stands for Phillip Jonathan: The Other Side to PJ Keane [Jim Smith]

"Then Dolly's voice melted away into colors, and I realised Jeffy had sold me the good shit. From: Square Peg in A Round Hole: Memoirs of P.J. "Pistol Jockey" Keane. --Prof. Moriarity

Philip Johnson? Paul Jeffery? Peter Justin? Peggy Jean? O.K. I give. --Prof. Moriarity

I looked at Jeffy in horror. I had once thought of him as a role model ...and my best friend. But then, I realized, clutching the remnants of Dolly's tattered shirt, that he was no longer my brother..he was a monster..a monster who had killed every member of our family with his school supplies. I had to stop him. But what could I do? I was barely one year old.....

-- P.J. Keane--Memories of a miserable childhood [Ultra-Girl]

I never wanted much from Bil...an occasional line or two, a decent background, some hair, a lower lip. But what could I do? I was barely a year old and couldn't talk.

-- From It Stands For Percy Jermaine by P.J. Keane [anon]

"We didn't know why Jeffy was so happy all the time--if both my legs had been amputated at the knee, I figure I'd be on painkillers and vodka most of the time. As it turned out, that was his plan too."

-- From P. J. Keane's book Hilariously Named Autobiography [Larry Hastings]

"Seconds later, Jeffey was sucked into the Twister, believing to the last that Dad and Billy actually were running into the basement for planks to bar the door.

-- From 25 Years in Pampers: The Memoirs of J.P. Keane [Hideo Spanner]

Shortly after this photo was taken, the immense force of the tornado slammed the door open, squashing little Jeffy like a bug against the wall. Ah, that was a good day.

-- Circus of the Damned: Growing Up Keane, by Patrick J. Keane [Podbeing]

The next moment, I was lying on the floor, gasping, blood gushing from my mouth, realizing I'd done another face-plant on the footstool. He loved to show the action setup; he never showed the painful aftermath.

-- From Still Short After All These Years, Philip J. Keane. [Owell]

"Strange as it may seem, in our house the monthly re-enactment of the "Trail of Tears" was considered a sacred tradition. I thought it strange until I was about three and a half, when I'm told my parents completted my brainwashing...."

-- Excerpt from A Keane Sense of Betrayal by Percival Jehosaphat Keane. [Ultra-Girl]

"Wide open? Hell, I was trying to get whatever attention I could! But the depths I sunk to latter were far darker"

-- Excerpt from The Shadows of Keane... P.J. Remembers. [Bil's Drinkin' Buddy]

"Simpson came to visit one day, on vacation from the Fox Network. The little pissant thought he was a badass. One look at the set of Dad and Ray's new film "Studs in Boyland", and he had to carry around a barf bag for weeks."

-- PJ Keane, prison transcript [zen]

"Somehow Dolly always sensed when Mommy was out of Claritin."

-- from the testimony of Patrick Joseph Keane, Arizona v. Thelma Keane [Gen. Sedgwick]

With Ophelia-like pathos, Dolly really believed the flowers were the Olympic torch, and that our Arizona split-level was a stadium in Nagano. Then she drowned in the wading pool.

-- PJ, Memoirs [soon]

"The rest of us had no idea what he was saying, but within a week Billy started getting mash notes from Marlee Matlin."

-- B.K. Confidential by Peter Jenkins Keane [Gen. Sedgwick]

"The pilot episode for Bil's tv thriller The Family Circus Zone involved a hitch-hiking youth and a baby who drove using telekinesis. It was not picked up by the networks."

-- My Father's Legacy of Shame and Failure by Father Patick J. Keane [hangtownman]

"It was our own form of Russian Roulette. We would get Bil tanked up on shnapps, then go out to the playground on a really hot day. The loser would be the one he threw up on."

-- From "They call me Portly Joe" [bobo]

"It was a painfully routine occurence. Because I couldn't speak to defend myself Jeffy blamed the incident on me while Billy held my arms as Dolly pummled me senseless."

-- Still Incontinent After All These Years, Ptolemy Johannes Keane [Coyote]

"By this time Jeffy was so desperate for the spotlight he would take the blame for anything we did. Don't think we didn't use that to our advantage every fucking day."

-- Keen Keanes; The Collaborative Autobiography of Dolly, Billy, and PJ Keane [the skyclad answer]

By age 6, Jeffy's terror tactics and megalomania had reached new heights. One of his favorite methods was to go over the panels for the next week, and smash any that were "unfavorable" to him. Too frightened to speak out, Mom just calmly picked up the pieces.

-- From "Circle Jerk -- The shocking truth about Jeffy Keane" by Perry Julius Keane. [The Dog]

"When I cried, my 'father' would draw me as a monkey and force me to parade around as if nothing was wrong, attracting stares and strange looks. God how I loathed life."

-- I have no voice, and I must Keane, by Patrick J. Keane [Magus]

"Hell, we should have seen it coming. With Kittycat getting a blitzkreig of attention, it was no wonder that Jeffy 'accidentally' dropped the carton of milk on the spinal cord. Later that night I could swear I heard giggling from Jeffy's room."

-- From, Blessed are the Beasts, Pancho Jorge Keane, DVM. [Coyote]

"Even at that young age, I knew what to do. I rammed my hand right through that plate glass window, grabbed the cat's throat, and squeezed. It was a good feeling."

-- From Psycho Junkie: A Gonzo Childhood by PJ Keane. [Shem]

" 'Don P.J., I must ask you a favor.....' They all started the same way -- begging for favors like so many dogs begging for scraps. Why couldn't they at least wait until I had been burped?"

-- Excerpt from Una Cosa Nostril by Don Pedro Jeane Keane [TBone's House O' Screamin' Weasels!!]

"I block Kitty's sun / Dolly tries to tell Mother / Her blood warms the cat."

-- P.J. Keane: A Biography in Haiku [Crazy Climber]

"While Dolly screamed about something, Kittycat and I stared lustfully into each other's eyes, remebering our night of passion. But soon we'd have more than just memories; 3 weeks later I found out I was carrying his child."

-- From "No One Ever Suspected: the Autobiography of Patricia Janet 'PJ' Keane" [fish in the sky]

"'I must be like the cat,' I thought. 'To blend with the shadows is nothing if one has not mastered the noiseless footstep.'"

-- From The Littlest Ninja by "PJK." [Shem]

" It was upon her fifty-third round of her off-key rendition of the old song 'Ragg Mopp ' that my one year-old mind first grasped the concept of physical violence... "

-- From "Angel of Justice: Memoirs of a Vigilante" by Parker Jackson Keane [Doc Evil]

Being the token Asian kid was tough. Early on, I made the mistake of correctly pronouncing "spaghetti", and I never got another line again. But the worst was when Jeffy had his "fits". Once, he flung a dozen eggs at me after he thought I looked "cuter" than him. Thel of course, blamed me.

-- Excerpt from "Yellow boy in the white circle" -- the autobiography of Pyong Jong Keane [The Dog]

"When Allan Funt offered us twenty grand to embarrass Jeffy for an episode for Candid Camera, of course we accepted! We showed that egomaniac a thing or two, plus we got some killer blow out of the deal!"

-- From Peachy UnKeane: The Truth Behind the Circle by P.J. (Tom) Keane, Melonball Press. [Mr. Ben McClellan]

It was always fascinating to observe them -- their petty squabbles, their selfishness, their total lack of understanding of the universe around them. They were so wrapped up in their own petty affairs, they mistook me for their son. Amused, I maintained my infant form, and allowed this charade to continue for the next 40 years.

-- From "91 Revelations: The Divine Writings of Swami Pramandathanu Jagdrumindarsinu Keane" [The Dog (I don't know what I was thinking either)]

"Alternately suffering from abuse or neglect, I scarcely thought of myself as human. My family filled me with revulsion. It was only natural to fixate upon Barfy, the only friendly face available."

-- From Inside the Circle, the autobiography of Percy Jerome Keane [Mowgli, PFC 1st Battalion Scavenging Corps]

It was cute here, but then I hit the toilet. It took me 12 long years to break that habit.

-- PJ Keane, Geraldo Rivera interview, April 4th, 1997 [Nethicus]

"Billy had made one of those stupid volcanos for his third-grade science class, and one of my favorite memories is getting Barfy to imitate me one dinnertime and wolf it down. Talk about explosive diarrhea."

-- Citizen Keane by Pontius Jesus Keane [Crazy Climber]

"The she'd make us do all the housework, claiming credit for herself of course. We had to obey, what with her telescoping neck turret and remaining breast bomb. She'd gotten Billy with the first one."

-- Selection from Enslaved by a Space Alien War Robot: How We Finally Escaped, D. Keane, J. Keane, P.J. Keane [Mr. Kontoontwon]

"Of all the topics Dolly went ballistic over, the 'difference between drool and slobber' was our favorite. We'd spend hours making the veins on her neck bulge."

-- Barfy and PJ ("Practical Joker") Keane, We Wrote This Tell-All Book Since They Never Let Us Speak [Heath]

"None of my roommates understood why I freaked out that time I was tripping on mescaline and accidentally sat in a beanbag chair."

-- From PJ : The College Years by Peace Jesus Keane [hangtownman]

"The combination smell of Ben-Gay, Massengill, and Aqua Net is still a turn-on for me today, though I have no idea why."

-- Peter Jones Keane, Hot: Confessions Of A Sexual Compulsive, Volume VI [Heath]

As usual, dad was totally shitfaced, but for once he didn't smack into the door on his way out. Jeffy announced his success with a shout: Gooooooooooooooolllllllllll!

-- Pele Juninho Keane, Una Cabeza Como un Futbol [Ken]

"Dolly's practice paid off. She quickly inhaled several chicks right through the fencing, and the pet shop was none the wiser. That afternoon we ate like kings."

-- From Padraic Joyce Keane, Surviving the Circle: Thirty-five Years Without a Home-Cooked Meal [scoob]

Dolly cruelly taunted their caged predicament, but thirty years later, in a city pond, the ducks would have their revenge on a pasty, out-of-shape woman clutching her broken dreams and penchant for blue shirts and white shorts. They were far kinder on her, than fate on me, dude.

-- Paul Julius Keane, My So-Called Dysfunctional Life [Orrin Bloquy]

"I have seen many strange things, but nothing compares to the day when, in an effort to save humanity from Dolly's singing, the notes jumped right off the sheet music in front of her and attempted escape."

-- "The Circular Files" by Percy Julian Keane [The Puckman]

DFC #432
"I remember one time, Dolly and Thel got into a staring contest...it didn't end for hours. Finally, Dolly brought it to an end by pissing all over Thel's feet. She may have won that one, but she celebrated in an iron lung."

-- Pubert Jacques Keane, Circle of Fiends [Pete]

DFC #435
"We always knew it was going to be a rotten day when Dolly came home holding someone's pancreas. There was blood under her fingernails, a happy smile on her face, and always, always the same phrase: 'I did the Bad Thing again.'" - Pubert Jacques Keane, Circle of Fiends --Pete

DFC #437
Jeffy never realized it was Satan masquerading as Dolly. Before long, the poor fool was ready to offer up his immortal soul in exchange for the lead role in the comic. He never dreamed the fame and stardom would only bring him scorn from the DFC and shame from the rest of us. -- P.J. Keane, A Life --jan

DFC #439
"After 40 years of still being little ankle-biters, Thel's yelling that we'd all 'grow up big and strong' ceased to be a convincing argument to eat the glop Bil had drawn." -From Circle of Pain by Ponce Julio Keane --Jester

DFC #440
"Da pa ddd wa drtoo wa ma. Ga ga ga wa da rtoo rtoo da. Fa da doo wa wa."--from Da Dmoo Ma Ma Ma by Peabo Jermaine Keane --Dave Matthews

DFC #447
"Then there was the time we were at the Zoo. Jeffy and Dolly were at the Childrens Petting Zoo area with Dad and my uncle. Billy walked around all day making stupid jokes about "fitting a whole elephant in my mouth" while eating animal cookies. That was when Mom hopped the fence and showed Billy that he would always be an amateur. Mom always was a competitive bitch." -- taken from Growing Up Keane; memoirs of Perdition Jonah Keane ---- Mr. Yummy Pants

I remember best, one of his quiet reflective moments, a day after one of his biggest fights, with a cauliflower ear and a head still lumpy and misshapen from the awesome pummeling he'd endured the night before; he was talking to each of his animal crackers, asking them if they loved him before he bit their heads off. Even then you could see the beast just waiting to be set free. --an excerpt from Raging Billy by Pesci Jake Keane --The Notorious D.F.C. (with the way my caps have been getting accepted lately, maybe I should change to the Notoious IADL...)

DFC #448
"I realize now that it was ffffuuuuuuck the constant taunting by my nutsaknutsaknutsak siblings that led to this vagina condition. Shit piss nimbus! The fact that rrrrrrrrarrrrrrghscrotum the miserable cocksuckers died in that mysterious fire fuckmefuckmefuckme is small consolation for the fact that I twitch 24 hours a day." -- from New Buggrit Buggrem Millennium Hand and Shrimp Beginnings: Living a Fuck Fuck Fuck Full Life with Smegma Tourette's Syndrome Poop by Pigfucker Jizzmopper Keane --Pete

DFC #464
"The stray bullet that ended Jeffy's life struck just as he was going to rat me out about the 'gift' I left behind Thel's new chair. It was then I knew God had a Great Destiny planned for me." -- from Memoirs of a Genocide by Juniper Pinkus Keane--Stefan Jones

"Luckily, the distraction provided by Jeffy's tetrodotoxin-induced collapse bought me enough time to hide the blowgun from Thel." From A Vicious Circle, by Pollux J. Keane--The Guest

"Ha! I spit upon his minimalism! Although his spare lines impressed Thel, my groundbreaking work as a chiaroscurist caught the attention of Dad himself, who at once loved and feared it. My last appearance, incidentally." --Where's PJ?, Pigment-Jefe Keane--Stan Xhiao

"Lastly, I must thank my brother Geoffrey, who inspired this work." From the acknowledgements of The Grand Unified Theory: The Universe is Like a Melonhead with Bad Hair Trying to Touch his Bangs to his Heels, by Pauli Jacobi Keane--The Guest

DFC #464
"As my father held me, I looked up and saw the world framed in a rectangular window, and I felt the strong yearnings for a far away home for the first time." - Perpendicular Junction; Sitting in the Corner of the Circle - PJ Keene--TomF