DFC Memoirs: Thel


"It would happen about twice a year- Billy would stand there for hours, praising himself endlessly to the cowed neighborhood kids, while his First Enforcer, P.J., stood there mesmerized, torture kit in hand, waiting for the first hint of independent thought on the children's faces- I wan't at all surprised or sorry when Bil passed out that 'special' kool-aid"

-- Thel Keane, Circus of Horrors [Pensive]


..as Thel held the neatly snipped panel in her hand, her mind wandered off to a more simple time when she was a curious, young Lass nervously exchanging glances with the lithsome young cartoonist. After that weekend of unbridled lust, she rued the day she ever let the one person go that really made her feel like a woman. Then, startled by her the shrill yapping of her two yard monkeys, she sighed and smiled as she put another "Cathy" comic strip in her scrapbook.

-- Excerpt from "Thel Keane: Tortured Soul" [zazu]


I never understood the depth of my failure as a mother until the day I put down my cereal bowl, looked up from Oprah, and realized my kids had all imprinted on their older brother.

-- From I Once Was Lost But Now I'm Found: A Christian Memoir, by Thelma Keane as told to Anthony Nero, Savior Press, 1997. [anon]


During their brief moment in the spotlight, Jeffy and Dolly became intolerable: "You da man!", "No, you da man!", "You da man!", "How can I be da man, when you da man?". I was the first to spit in their snotty little faces when their empire crumbled.

-- Themla Keane: It Takes a Melon [Westur the Unspeakable]

"...two seconds later they accidently banged their funny bones together - HARD - and fell to the ground in writhing agony. It was, without exception, the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life."

-- Thelma Keane: Guilty Pleasures [Westur the Unspeakable]


"Two seconds later, Dolly let go of her end and the rubber band caught Billy right in the eye. I was laughing so hard I peed right in my pants and Bil had to drive the little moron to the emergency room. This one incident made all thirty hours of labor worthwhile."

-- Thelma Keane, Guilty Pleasures [Westur the Unspeakable]


As Dolly called out 'Daddy's home', I quickly poured the pitcher of martini's into the centerpiece.

-- Twelve steps away from the Circus by Thel Keane [Radio Show]


"The day that Jeffy scored a solo panel holding a piece of unidentifiable flotsam was the day it all went truly haywire. Billy took to the pets with a phillips screwdriver. Dolly gutted Bil with a weedwhacker like he was a 220 pound trout. That useless Roy Washington just sat in the corner reading his precious Bible and shaking. Thank God I had my valium and cognac, or who know how bad it might have really gotten".

-- Thelma Louis Keane, The Day the Circus Died, Harlequin Press 1998 [Vice Pope Doug]


"I'll never forget the time that Bil saved up his booze money for three months and ordered a thousand dollars worth of 'philatelic material'. We still use the stamps when we write to him at the sanitarium."

-- Thelma Keane, Guilty Pleasures [Westur the Unspeakable]


"After writing both children's names on oppisite sides of the cake, I'd just stand back and watch them beat each other to a bloody pulp. Then I ate the cake"

-- Thelma Keane, My Stuggle with Violence and Buliema [the skyclad answer]


As my daughter and I sat alone and ignored, our hours of work unappreciated, she asked "Are we unworthy in the sight of God, Mommy?". It was then I knew I had to get us free, even if it cost me my life....

-- Excerpt from Not Without My Daughter : My Escape from the PromiseKeepers by Thelma Louise McShane [Raven (It's her maiden name, y'see..)]


"At first we thought it was sort of cute. But later, when he'd moved from gently tapping the cat with a riding crop to little kitty manacles and ball-gags, we realized something was definitely wrong. But by then it was... too late."

-- From Jeffy, I'm So Sorry by Thelma Keane [hangtownman]


"Suddenly, in a quiet week in April, the stardom got to Jeffy. He cracked. He'd spend all day singing love songs to the cat, in a deep baritone voice that Barry White would envy."

-- From Thelma Keane's "He Used to be Such a Good Boy" [the skyclad answer]


"It was bad enough that Jeffy was out of control, staying out all night drugged to the gills and chasing anything with a skirt, but one day he brought PJ home at seven AM and when I saw my baby was stinking of cheap gin and Sally Brown, well, I knew it had to stop."

-- Transcript of People v. Thelma Keane [hangtownman]


"The 'license plate' game turned out poorly. Even Ohio and Utah posed a challenge to these illiterate cretins."

-- Thelma Harper Keene, Why Am I Straight? [Heath]


"It was the sled accident that eventually broke my husband financially. My son's amputated arm was covered, but every time we tried to claim a broken neck the adjuster just laughed"

-- Thelma Keane - Memoirs [Delsyn]


"I'll never forget the time Billy got a copy of 101 Soliatare Games for his birthday. I gave him a deck of cards with no aces."

-- Thelma Keane, Guilty Pleasures. [Westur the Unspeakable]


Everything was set up perfectly. In seconds, the four of them would be blown to their component atoms. But leave it to PJ to notice the tail slowly burning down...

-- Thel Keane, A Melon Ways to Die [zen]


The Great Smudge of '87 forced us to abandon our home while it was professionally blotted. We camped out, pitching our tent in the least inky area we could find -- which was still pretty grimy.

-- Memoirs, Thelma Keane [Lloyd Dobler]


"One day, I tried to teach Dolly about housework. The first thing she did was huff the Endust, and then she spent the rest of the afternoon skipping around the backyard trying to catch the 'pretty butterflies' ..."

-- From I Give Up by Thel Keane [Shem]

"Dolly finally split for good when the Stones passed through town in '65. We forgot about her until a year later, when that damned song came out....the bitch of it is, I was THIS close to running off with Mick and Keith myself..."

--Thelma Keane-Springsteen, I Was a Cum-Burping Gutter Slut Band Groupie [anon]


...Then there was the time Dolly was yapping so much, she didn't look where she was going. She slipped on Jeffy's dropped baseball, did a backflip, and smashed three vertebrae when she hit the floor. I was laughing so hard, it took me an hour to dial 911.

-- Thel Keane, Guilty Pleasures [Raven, Sergeant, Caption Salvage Crew]


"Often, we would come home to find Jeffy, sitting next to the mailbox and crying, the birds having devoured the slices of bread he had dropped behind him, thus leaving him unable to find his way back thruogh the yard to the front door."

-- Thel Keane, The Keane Children: I Can't Believe I Actually Bore the Halfwits [Darth Tigger]


"After giving birth to my fourth child, I was so overweight I bent my hospital bed. When I got home, I started a low-carb diet and a strict regimen of counter-scrubbing calisthenics. Within two months I was back down to a size two."

-- Get Off Your Fat Ass, Already!, by Thel Powter-Keane [Sean Q]


I never try anything on my clients that I haven't done to myself first. Or, if I don't have the proper "equipment", I just get one of the kids to "volunteer".

-- Thelma Keane, In Search of Sexcellence [Ken]


'..and then Bil, still drunker than hell, whinnied and gallopped into the Brown's backyard. Then he tried to crawl into their beagle's doghouse before Jeffy climb get off. Jeffy hit his head and was knocked out cold, and Bil let Snoopy hump his leg for an hour.'

-- Thel Keane, I Killed My Husband Because He Was An Idiot [agm]

Day 23 of Bil's catatonia. The children now use him like a jungle gym. I'm out of fucking cigarettes.

-- Excerpt from Thel's diary [Larry Hastings]


I knew Billy had studied all week for that test - and I knew he'd earned that perfect grade. But the way his face fell when I told him that 'God hates cheaters' was just priceless.

-- Thelma Keane, Guilty Pleasures. [Westur the Unspeakable]



DFC #432
"I used to love catching Dolly when she was smashed. I'd sit her on my lap and ask her about her day and she'd struggle to talk coherently and act like the reek of cheap gin on her breath didn't give her away. Some people might be alarmed by a six year old girl staggerring home drunk at 1AM and what that said about her future. I just looked at it as a small payback for thirty-six fucking hours of melonhead blocked labor."

-- From Guilty Pleasures by Thel Keane [hangtownman]



DFC #433
"Dolly had been warned a million times not to awaken Billy after a vodka and Percodan binge, but as usual she was too stupid to listen. Bil had to hock the car to pay for the reconstructive surgery."

-- Thelma Keane, Polishing a Turd: My Life with Bil, 4th Ed. [Eric the Black]



DFC #441
"I used to love Sunday dinner nights. Rubber chicken, wax fruit and plastic potatoes made for a quick meal, and the stupid gits never seemed to catch on.", Thelma Keane, Guilty Pleasures --Eric the Black

Nothing capped off Thanksgiving like telling the little brats that they had just eaten Big Bird. -'Guilty Pleasures' by Thelma Keane --Mr. ?



DFC #442
Dolly, PJ, and Barfy were all excited when Bil's finished his nickel and got out of the joint. Billy had already spent 6 months in county, so he wasn't much impressed. Jeffy, however, was somewhat distraught when Bil asked him to "toss his salad". "Conjugal Visits" by Thelma Louise Keane --Lt. Dan


DFC #445
After the divorce, it became a contest to see who could spoil the little bastards worse. Bil's weapon of choice was the new shopping mall. I countered with flavored enemas. "Diarrhea of a Mad Housewife" by Thelma Lou Keane --Lt. Dan


DFC #447
"After Billy joined the Hare Krishnas in the 3rd season, he tried hard to stick to a vegan diet. The day I gave him a box of animal crackers I nearly blew his mind. Teach him to chant all day long.", Thelma Keane, Guilty Pleasures --anon


DFC #451
Seconds after Bil took this shot of Dolly trying to get Jeffy to give her "some skin", Jeffy suckerpunched her with a right uppercut from the floor. Knocked her silly. I must've giggled for days. Endless Circle: A Sequel To Guilty Pleasures, by Thelma Keane --Podbeing

"Jeffy's enormous ass really threw off his center of gravity, and a small tap from his sister would send him flat on his back, blubbering for mercy. I nearly peed myself every time this happened." -- from Thel Keane, Guilty Pleasures. --scoob



DFC #452
I told him he had to be the ring bear and gave him some raw salmon in a sack. I can still recall the sound of 125 guests vomiting at once. -From 'Guilty Pleasures' by Thelma Keane --Mr. ?


DFC #457
"Dear Diary, January 20: Billy got into the shoe polish today. As punishment, I made him stand out by the roadside holding a lantern. Oh my God, who ever would have thought kids would be this much fun?!?"--Sean Q


DFC #458
"As Jeffy's popularity waned, he started to get desperate. After a while, I could get him to do almost anything in return for a featured role." -- from Guilty Pleasures, by Thelma Keane--Joe Z

"I always made sure the diaper pail was at least 30 feet from the changing table, just to watch that pansy gag down his own vomit." - Thel Keane, Guilty Pleasures--crispy

Of course, in his disgust the little spaz dumped the diaper load 6 inches away from my foot, and dripped the entire way to the diaper pail. When I slipped in the shit I banged my head and blacked out. When I came to, Jeffy was scattered in chunks around the house. --Transcript from the trial The People vs. Thelma Keane--Kal



DFC #459
"The ritual had gone on for years now. Bil would dial 1-976-GOOD-BOY, never noticing that Jeffy had picked up the extension. Then, the little creep would wait until Bil was on the verge of orgasm to scream 'FBI! FREEZE!' To be honest, I think they both came to enjoy the beatings that inevitably followed." -- from for cartoon girls who have considered suicide/when the circle is enuff by Thel Keane (posthumous)--Pete


DFC #460
I was fine when Billy started to give the emancipation proclamation speech, PJ started talking air traffic control talk into a crow's drumstick, and when the butter turned into Tom Sawyer on a river raft, but I think I freaked out and overturned the table when the evil muppet hands started reaching for my breasts. -From Chapter 4: The Best Thanksgiving we ever Had. 'Guilty Pleasures', by Thelma Keane--Mr. ?


DFC #465
"One time I told Billy that one of the objects he carried in his pockets was, in fact, God. He didn't sleep for three weeks. I didn't stop laughing for five." -- Thelma Keane, Guilty Pleasures--Pete

"Sure, I was hard on the kids, but how were they going to survive a prison riot if they didn't know how to fashion a proper shiv?" -Thel Keane from her book "A Bottle of Gin Hidden in Every Room."--Kearney

I had half the junk drawer shoved up Billy's ass before it occured to him that he might not need a Y2K upgrade. -- Thelma Keane, Guilty Pleasures--Helder



DFC #469
I signalled and signalled, but the old fuckwit was too soused to find the trapdoor release lever. Always get a professional for these jobs!--T Keane, "Regrets, I've Had a Few...Four, Actually"--Gaijin Marty